Eh, maybe I spoke too soon.

Eh, just a few days after I post that I don't feel like a noob anymore, I get handed a bunch of situations that make me feel completely unprepared once again.

First off, my Mom is kind of "two steps forward, two steps back", and not in a Paula Abdul friendly kind of way. Like, I had mentioned to her last time that I was seeing someone, and she didn't seem that interested in hearing more, so I didn't really press the issue. This time she was asking questions about him, like how old he is and stuff. All of this seemed pretty good, and I was kind of happy my Mom was interested in my life again. Then she asked "Has he had previous partners?" She actually said this. I don't know if it was her Asian-ness or the fact that she was a doctor that made her feel entitled to that. I got kind of angry with her, and asked her if she had asked my Sister-in-law that. She doesn't even really have the decency to be embarassed or sheepish about it. Ugh. So they're a work in progress.

The big dilemma for me is coming in the form of family weddings, though. So I took Chris to a friend's wedding in Thanksgiving, and it was really fun. However, now I'm getting invited to a ton of cousin's weddings for this upcoming year. 4 so far, actually (I have a gigantic family). Not really sure what to do here.

1. My parents haven't met Chris in person. I dunno if a wedding is the right place for all that.
2. Plus, while I'm out to a lot of the cousins and aunts/uncles on my Mom's side, there are a lot of extended family I'm not. While I don't really care, I really don't want to cause any drama, especially at a cousin's wedding. I know it's lame, but I feel like it's probably better not to bring Chris to those.

So that's kind of lame. I mean, one of the things I love about Chris is that he's really understanding of my general overthinking of everything, and would understand if I'm not comfortable bringing him to all these weddings. It still kind of sucks though :(.

Eh, the first one isn't until April. I have some time to decide I guess.

Catch up

Haven't posted in forever! I'm so behind on my blogs too! And my porn!

I've just had a string of visitors in town for the past few weeks. It's been fun, but it's been crazy.

The big 3-0

Everyone asks me if I felt like turning 30 was a big landmark, but I feel like I went through all the reassessment when I turned 29 (hence, uh, this blog, and everything that's happened because of it). I had an amazing birthday party with all my straight friends, and my new gay friends. I just got some space reserved at a casual bar in the east village, and people dropped by all night. At one point there were like 40 of my friends there! It's kind of a cliche, but I really do feel like my friends have been such an important part of my whole journey, and I think they were all really excited to be there, this year of all years, for so many reasons. My sister also came into town from DC, and it was the second time she and Chris have gotten to hang out a lot, and it was really fun. She likes him, a lot, which is important to me.

Gift update

So I ended up getting Chris a snowboarding Jacket- we're going to Vermont with some friends to go snowboarding for a 3-day weekend in January and we're really excited! He's never been at all, and doesn't have any snowboarding kit, so I'm gonna try to dig up an old bib and gloves and goggles from home, and I got him a new jacket and gloves for christmas. He got me a Le Creuset Dutch Oven that I've been wanting for a long time; we had discussed gifts like some of you guys suggested, and he basically came out and told me that he was totally stumped on gifts heh. It cooks like a dream (if you cook at all, you probably know Le Creuset), and the nice thing is we can cook more often with it.

Blizzard!

Even if you're in Cali, you probably heard about our little snowstorm, right? Just right after my sister left, my cousin and her husband came to town for a wedding and also crashed with me. They were supposed to fly out Sunday, but because of the Blizzard and the crazy holiday flights, they didn't get a flight out until TODAY. It was really cool to have them the extra days and we got to do more stuff, but it is nice to finally have my apartment back to myself. If just for the porn.

I fly back to Cali today after work! And right after the New Year's, I'm going to Vegas with my cousins! These are the cousins I'm out to. It wouldn't be so weird if I ditched them one night to go to a gay club, but where would I even go? I really just want to see strippers and go-go boys. Now that I'm 30, I'm comfortable being a dirty old man :D. Anyone know a good place?

30, out, not-a-noob

Turning 30, having an awesome boyfriend, and being pretty much out to everyone I know (ok, there's still my Dad's side of the family and some of my high school friends I haven't seen yet this year), I kind of feel like this blog was wildly successful in it's first task! And it's probably time to refocus it. I dunno. Probably with the new year I'll have a new title, about box, and stuff like that.

Ancient History

The Ex!
So I had a weird conversation with my boyfriend last week after we both got back from our vacations. We had just got back from our vacations and were at our own apartments catching up on TV and blogs and whatnot while talking on the phone. As a joke, I said "did you catch up on your porn?" And he kinda laughed, and then he made the strangest comment. Basically, he said he was browsing one of porn roundup blogs and SAW HIS EX.

Now me, I act like Joe super-cool, and I laugh at that and ask some simple "Really? weird" type questions, but I'm SOOO CURIOUS!

Basically, from other conversations, what I've been able to piece together is:
1) It's a solo thing
2) The guy has a HUGE dick
3) They went out about 7 years ago, so this guy can't be that young
4) He's sure it's him because the guy has a distinctive tattoo.
5) They would have gone out in Virginia, so this guy might be from the south.

I know it's not a lot to go on, but based on the time frame I think it might be this guy... but eh, I think he'd be too young. Eh, still not sure. Maybe this guy? but he's not really solo.

Adding to the list
So this is the creepiest thing I've ever posted, but after seeing New Moon (I KNOW), I would totally add Taylor Lautner to my list except he's JAILBAIT. Gross right?

Nothing has made me feel older than Taylor Lautner. Not even the fact that I'm turning thirty, NEXT SUNDAY ><.

I love my unemployed boyfriend

So I mentioned a few posts back that Chris recently got laid off, and I haven't really had time to process it, with all the crazy traveling. I think that actually, given that he has his severance to last him the next 2 months, and unemployment benefits, it will actually be really nice.

Him
To tell the truth, he was really stressed at that last job; the hours were bad and he hated it. It's very frustrating to be in a relationship with someone and witness them struggling against an obstacle they can't rise above, so in many ways I think this is gonna be a good move for him.

Also, with the free time, I'm kinda hoping that he'll get back into a regular fitness routine, which had fallen by the wayside with work and stuff. I know it's super shallow of me, but it's nice, right?

Also he's gonna cook for me on Wednesday! Sweet potato gnocchi, a recipe he picked up from his family over thanksgiving break!

Me
His unemployment will also force me to be more cost-conscious with my daily living, which, really, I needed. The recent travel has been AMAZING, but it really has kicked a little dent in my savings. With Chris having more free nights, and being more cost conscious, I'm hoping we will be spending more time cooking and watching movies at home, going to museums (which I get into for free), and going out drinking a little less. With the weather starting to turn cold in NYC, this is a good thing for other reasons.

The gift issue
The one big thing that really gets complicated now is the gift issue. So my 30th birthday is coming up in 2 weeks (ugh), and then Christmas is just 2 weeks after that. I was already really stressed that Chris might get me something super-extravagant for my birthday, and now I'm even moreso. Beyond that, his gift will kinda set the ballpark for Christmas gifts.

What are some good inexpensive ideas for new couples to do gift-wise? We really are not the "make things for each other" crew.

Thankful

On a day like this it's good to think about the many things in my life I have to be thankful for.

• For my Grandmother, who recently passed away, I am thankful for the sacrifices and hardship she took on in life, so that her children and grandchildren could have a better one.
• I'm grateful for the rest of my family, who have for the most part, been incredibly supportive.
• I'm thankful for my friends.
• I'm thankful to be in a relationship with someone as patient and compassionate as my boyfriend.
• I'm thankful to have a job, even though I complain about it more than I should.
• I'm thankful for the unbelievable smells of homecooked food coming up from the kitchen. I gotta go get some of that!

I'm thankful for my life. It's good to be able to sit back and say that once in a while.

Introducing the BF to the sibs

Leaving for SF tonight for Thanksgiving, and then Chris is flying in on Friday to attend our friends' wedding on Saturday, also in SF. My sibs wanted to meet him (not ready to introduce him to the parents yet), and 2 of my cousins caught word and wanted in too. I'm really excited to start introducing him to more of my family!

The one minor snag is Chris just got laid off. Like JUST last week, while I was in India. It sucks, but I'm not that concerned- he's a smart guy and I think he'll find a new job soon enough. I am just a little worried about my sibs and cousins hearing that one thing and focusing on it too much. Do you think I'm the worst boyfriend in the world if I ask him to just pretend he didn't get laid off at lunch with my family? I don't really see much downside, and it will keep the conversation from being too awkward, right?

Ugh, I'm so bad at all this.

Who's on your list?

So other than the wedding, I spent most of my time in India traveling with my old roommate and his girlfriend of two years. We somehow got on the subject of movies that were bad, and he made fun of her for liking The Proposal and I innocently chimed in that I would watch it just for the scenes with Ryan Reynolds naked. My ex-roommate paused and turned to me and said "You like him? What is it about him?"

Apparently, I had stepped in a couple-minefield of theirs, which is their "lists". I have no idea why straight couples do this, but I guess that episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel have their list of exceptionally fuckable celebrities is true in real life. So, Ryan Reynolds is on his girlfriend's list and he's jealous. Still I realized I never really think about it that often and I don't know if I have a list, but I figured I'd try to put one together. This is unordered, and completely superficial. Personality doesn't matter unless it's Christian Bale, who is too psycho to consider fucking.

• Ryan Reynolds
  
  So I know I said personalities don't matter, but in this case they kinda do. Ryan Reynolds was already pretty cute in his comedian days, and then he decided to graft his funnyman head onto a super-ripped body for some crappy action movie and blew up into superstardom and my better wet dreams.


• Jason Statham
  
  So I'm pretty sure I've already posted this exact picture here, but that's cause it's one of the hotter pictures that's ever existed ever. Jason Statham actually started out as a fashion model before moving into movies, and that's cause he's hot and built like a tank.


• Takeshi Kaneshiro
  
  So I surprised my friend's girlfriend with this one. She blurted out "I thought you weren't into Asian guys." I was like, "Uh, why would you think that?" She mumbled something lame about, "Oh, all my gay Asian friends aren't into other Asian guys." I would have been offended by her weird generalization, but this was pretty late in our trip, and I had kind of gotten used to her saying provocative things to get a reaction out of them, so I just told her I was too narcissistic to not like other Asian guys. Like I've said before, I don't know if I really dated enough to have a real type... I kinda tasted the rainbow while I was dating.
  Anyway, Takeshi Kaneshiro is sweet hotness on toast.


• Patrick Wilson
  
  I would have been on the fence about this one last year, but Watchmen sealed his geek credibility for me, so I'd totally do Patrick Wilson. He's a little bit too-all-american for my tastes, but I'll make an exception. Just this once.


• Gabriel Garcia Bernal
  
  This one comes with a bullet. There are some movies/stills where I'm not into him at all, and then there are some where he is stunning. Eh, but what am I saying, I'd do him even if he had a reverse mohawk and was covered in rat droppings.
  

So that's my list right now, but I'm probably forgetting a few. Sure there are plenty of hot celebrities out there, but the list is for people who make your breath just stop when you see them. Also, in the discussion with my friend's gf, she mentioned a lot of celebrities that I think are like "women-only". Like, I just don't think they have any gay appeal. These are like Colin Firth types. I can see how they're objectively good looking, but they just don't strike that chord there.

Shallowest post ever? Nah, check the archives.

Voyage to India!

Just got back from India! This picture is from the second out of four (yes, four) nights, called a Sangeet. This is the only night we dressed in traditional Indian attire (called a "Kurta"), the rest of the nights most guys outside of the wedding party wore western suits. To say the wedding was extravagant would be an extreme understatement. In India, parents save up for their kids' wedding like parents might save up for college here. Really, no expense is spared. It was an AMAZING, one-of-a-kind experience. I feel really special to have been a part of it.

In addition to the Kurta, they also had people doing Mehndi. Normally this is only for females, but I'm a little more comfortable bucking traditional gender roles these days, so I got a peacock on my palm. The peacock is the national bird of India, and in addition to that, it opens the door for a lot of "cock on my palm" jokes. Yeah.


So... other than that, travel around India was crazy. I saw the Taj Mahal, which was amazing, of course. In India you are surrounded by people in desperate poverty on a scale you can't even find in the US, which really takes you out of your comfort zone. It's very hard to take problems like your job and your parents that seriously after seeing stuff like that.

The funny thing about India is that you will see men on the street holding hands, and in clubs, men will dance with each other. None of these are signals of homosexuality though; in fact, homosexuality was only decriminalized in India earlier this year, and it is still a very touchy subject. I didn't really get to go around much so I can't really say what the gay scene in India is like, but from what I have heard it is still mostly underground.

Anyway, I'm exhausted! Still have one more wedding to go to this week too!

Vacation!

I'm so excited! I leave for India TONIGHT! I'm going to see a friend's wedding!

Anyway, take care everyone! Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with all the blogs while I'm away, but it's tough. You guys are all doing a lot!

Happy Halloween!

This is the before picture. After 3 different parties in Chelsea, the West Village, and the East Village, all while it was kind of sprinkling, we managed to lose a few balloons here and there; I finally ended up giving the whole bunch to a girl who asked for them at the Pyramid club.

Super fun weekend, though. Hope you guys had a great time too! Looking forward to seeing everyone's costumes! Post a link to em in the comments if you got one!

Told the aunts

They were super cool about it actually. My Mom was even in the room, but she didn't say anything. Eh.

Umm, this is more of a tweet-length post than a blog post, but I've been busy.

Aunts still in town

but I haven't told them yet. What happened to me? I used to be a pro at coming out, six months ago; I guess I got rusty.

We've had a great weekend, and I was all planning to do it by now, but I just never got the nerve up. It really is going to change a lot of things.

They're out of town for the evening. I guess I'll do it tomorrow.

---

In other news; I'm hating work in a way I haven't ever felt before. I really just want to get through this year and then quit. It's gotten to the point that I am stressed out about work constantly, even on weekends. Just thinking about my work is making me tense. It's really never been this bad.

---

Haven't seen Chris in a week, cause the aunts have been in town. I'm gonna see him tonight. It's gonna be great, although I hope I don't spend the whole time just whining about my job and stuff

Updates on gayness

So having my Mom and her sisters staying at my place hasn't been that bad actually. They're so busy doing touristy things that they're not really nagging me about stuff, and it is nice to have them around.

---

So I know I'm officially the last gay man on the planet to have seen this, but I really love the Miley Cyrus Fire Island video. It is like an advertisement for gay.

Homeopathic Remedies

Hm, haven't posted in a while so I thought I'd share a little slice of life, as it were.

For some background, you have to know that I used to smoke a lot of pot. Not really that big a deal. I wasn't like a super drug addict, but back when I had a roommate right after college we would spark up and play mario kart and starcraft and it was fun. I hadn't really smoked at all in a few years. My bf smokes quite a bit, and I kind of haven't liked it for the past few years, so I didn't really partake much, and I have to say I tried not to express my dissatisfaction, but I was kind of a hypocrite in my mind, kinda thinking he was a little old to be smoking pot still.

So last Saturday we went bowling for his friend's birthday, and this is so pathetic, but I somehow pulled my back or something. I know. Yoga twice a week and regular gym visits, and I hurt myself bowling. I really am getting old. So I put on a strong face in front of Chris's friends and I even bowled after it hurt which was even stupider, so when we got back to Chris's place I was in super pain. I tried to sleep it off, but in the morning it still hurt like a bitch. Luckily, my boyfriend was there with his home medicine, blow jobs and pot.

The blow job was really good, but the pot was (and it feels incredibly trite to say this about recreational drugs) amazing. I felt fucking fantastic. It was like all the muscles that had tensed up around my back just suddenly let go of all of the tension right around there. I'm a total lightweight, so it only took like 2 hits, but I suddenly went from not being able to move to floating around his apartment. So, yeah, I guess I'm reversing my recently judge-y opinion. Yay for Weed!

Last post for me for a while. Like I said, my Mom and Aunts are in town and that's it's whole own mess. I never really got to talk to my Mom about if she was cool with me coming out to them so I dunno how this is gonna go down :/ Wish I had some more of that back medication right about now.

Visitors

So I've been going crazy the past week cleaning and organizing my apartment. It's actually really empowering; I can actually see the floor of my closet now, and I've donated about 4 giant bags of clothes to the Salvation Army. I'm also going to the Container Store like a junkie, getting different kinds of boxes for my shelves, so things aren't just piled there. It looks pretty great, and I'm not even done yet.

The main reason for this is I have a ton of family visitors staying with me starting next week. I live in a studio apartment in Manhattan, so it's not huge to begin with, so any space I can create by throwing out old crap will be greatly noticed when I have 2 or 3 extra people sleeping here. The first wave is my Mom and 2 of my aunts though. I haven't come out to my aunts yet, although I really want to. I kind of indicated to my Mom that if the topic comes up I'm just going to tell them, but she got really quiet and changed the subject. Dunno if I have to bring that up again, but I don't want to just end up springing it on her in front of them. Ugh. Why is it that I feel like the jerk here?

After that, I have some cousins staying with me, and they're cool so it should be a lot of fun. After that I go on a world trip vacation for 2 weeks to see 2 different sets of friends getting married! Should be tons of fun.

---

In other news, Chris and I bought a beer making kit at a flea market and on Thursday we got together at his giant Brooklyn apartment to start the brew. It was SUPER fun, although it took way longer than I expected, and I didn't get home til 2AM and we didn't even get to have sex! Still, it was an awesome fun date, and I hope our beer turns out drinkable! I could totally see this being a fun thing we do every other month or so.

Recent News

Met up with one of my oldest friends from back home who just moved to NYC and came out to him. He was really supportive- wants to meet the boyfriend and everything, it was nice. It was cool to catch up with him, he's in a totally different line of work than me. He studied premed undergrad, but then went to music conservatories, and now he's in NYC trying to make his name as a jazz musician. It's crazy and ambitious and it sounds awesome. I went to see one of his shows last night too and it was great. I'm not really a jazz guy, but it definitely made my happy, which is all that matters, right?

---

Everything with the bf is going pretty good. Saturday night after a friend's party I couldn't sleep so he stayed up with me for a long time and we just talked about everything. We talked about his life before New York, previous dating life stuff we'd never discussed, and just general history stuff. It was nothing special, but I still like getting to know more and more about him. Again I feel like such a cheeseball, but even right now when I think about him I have to smile. He makes me happy ;).

And we watched porn together on Sunday. It wasn't that weird!

More Parental stuff...

This is kind of a continuation of the last post. I think the reason why the whole coming out stuff has come back into the fore is that I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with my parents recently, and how it has changed.

Last week I got a call from one of my close friends who lives in SF who was in tears. Her mother was diagnosed with an incurable, terminal illness, and has only months left to live. In addition to being heartbroken for her, it also just reminded me the recent loss of my grandmother. We talked for a long time, and I tried to keep a brave face on the phone, but as soon as she was off the phone, I broke down from all the emotion.

I feel like it would be a disservice to my grandmother and my friend if I didn't take this as a call to action of my own. I love my parents, and I am lucky to have them in such great health. I really wish I could just call them up and talk, but it has been so stilted recently. I haven't told them about my boyfriend, because the last time I mentioned seeing someone to my mom, she was so cold that I just didn't want to deal with her anymore.

I am so happy right now with where my life is, compared to a year ago, and I wish that I could share that happiness with my parents in a way that they could appreciate. It would be easy for me to say "this is their problem, not mine" and feel superior, but I think I am going to have to swallow my pride and work with them through this, even if the conversations are going to be terrible and make me feel horrible.

Incomprehensible

Earlier this week there was an episode of Glee in which a kid comes out in High School and is accepted by his peers for his confidence and individuality. Today the NYtimes magazine had a piece about coming out in middle school which is completely incomprehensible to me. I'm amazed at these kids today, but at the same time I have to be a little bewildered by it. I know everyone's different, but honestly at the age of 12? I don't think I even knew what gay was. I probably wasn't really aware of my own sexuality (especially to have the confidence to rule out bisexuality or just being a phase), until I was at least 15.

I actually don't think I had my first crush on a boy until 16 actually. Up until that point it was just pretty pictures on the internet.

Regardless, it's nice to know that the younger generation is more accepting. I can't help but read these stories and wonder why I couldn't have had the balls to come out when I was in high school, or at least college, and if my life would have been less miserable. While I'm sure that is true, it also comes with the realization that I would be a very different person today, I would definitely have different friends, and everything about me would have been affected. And I like who I am and where I am, so I guess all things considered, it all worked out for the best.

It's 1AM

and I love him.

I mostly only get to see him on weekends. We'll usually spend one night in the week together, but other nights we talk on the phone. We said good night about half an hour ago. I was just lying here in bed trying to go to sleep and all I want to do is call him back and tell him I love him again. It's too late and he's probably already asleep.

So I'm telling you.

Business as usual

After we had exchanged 6 words total, I was worried that things would change. I'm happy to say that things haven't! Everything's been pretty awesome. We spent all weekend going to friends' birthday parties, and the awesome thing is that I really like his friends and my friends really like him, and it's all a lot of fun. It makes for a crowded social calendar, but I can't complain.

---

Well, I can't say nothing has changed. I find myself grinning stupidly at times. I went shopping after yoga today and I almost bought these ridiculous heart-shaped ramekins:



I had a momentary vision of baking eggs for him on a Sunday morning. Then I snapped out of it and turned and ran. Barf, right?

---

I wish I had more pictures to share with you guys other than the vomit inducing ramekins. One of the bday parties we went to was for one of his gay friends and it was at a Gogo Bar in the East Village. It was super fun. At one point, I got Chris to slip a dollar into a gogo boy's underwear, which he did but he made a face. Hehe. There was also this IMPOSSIBLY endowed gogo boy that we spent all night just trying to figure out the physics of it. He let one our female friends actually reach under his towel and touch it at one point, and she assured us it was all-too-real. I am going to have nightmares about that one. Seriously, I wish I had pictures. It was like, beyond porn.

---

Speaking of which, the porn thing came up again, although very casually. I was at his place, and his porn on his computer is just right there, next to his downloaded episodes of "Mad Men". So first of all, I was relieved that it was pretty much the same stuff I looked at. Nothing crazy; not exclusively Asian porn (which would have been a red flag). Second, I was struck by how open he was about it. Being closeted for so long, my computer porn is locked down like Fort Knox. They will find the lost city of Atlantis before they find my porn. I guess it struck me that I probably don't have to be as crazy cautious as I have been with it... But I probably still will be hehe.

---

Anyway, things are going pretty great! The weather has been amazing, so I'm going to go meet the boyfriend for an outdoor bbq in about an hour.

Words

I drunk dialed him last night and he said it. At least I think he did. It was almost offhand.

I didn't say it back cause I was drunk.

I'm seeing him tonight.

Not sure if I'm gonna say it.

Sorry if this post is weird. I'm a little stunned and a lot hungover.

Oversharing topic: Ass

So um. It's time for me to admit that I'm a total hypocrite, in the oversharing manner that I normally do. Ok, let me start from the top.

[REDACTED for future modesty :/]

Bromance; Race

One of my big problems with blogging is that if I take a break for a while, all these things I want to talk about start piling up, and then when I finally sit down at the keyboard I want to give each topic that's been germinating it's fair share of time, but then the post becomes a monster. Well, here goes, I'll try to keep it succinct.

The Bachelor Party
This weekend was my friend E's bachelor party! I've known this guy for like 5 years now and he and his fiance are two of my closest friends in NYC now. They were the first NYC residents I came out to (Identified in this post as Friend Couple #1). Y'know though, after my parents, I think that one of the relationships that I feared would change most was the relationships I had with my straight guy friends. I always knew that they would be "cool with it" but I guess I always worried they would treat me different going forward. After this weekend I feel ashamed for not giving them enough credit. This weekend I was totally just one of the guys, and even though they all knew I was gay (even some of these guys that I never met before), it wasn't awkward, and it was fun. There was some ribbing about me sneaking off to gay bars, and they made me get a lap dance from a girl (which was actually fun, and she was a really good sport about it). Mostly it was just drinking and bonding, and mostly making the groom's life hell, cause that's what bachelor parties are all about right?

They even let me throw some beads at this guy underneath our balcony for showing me his ass, heh. Ah, New Orleans.

I did break away from the hetero-fest a few other times too, especially while they were getting series' of lapdances, to check out the gay go-go bars too heh. I figure if they get to see female strippers, I can see cute brazilian boys in their underwear. It was pretty much the same thing as up here, but I do think I attracted a lot of attention, both from the go-go boys, and the other patrons, just cause I was Asian. It was nothing untoward or creepy actually, but that and an offhand comment in one of letopho's recent posts got me thinking alot about my next topic which is:

Race
So I have been pretty sheltered, race-wise having grown up in California and living now in NYC, both of which have thriving Asian populations. I was a little stunned in New Orleans not seeing any Asians (except our group, which was predominantly so. For the most part it was fine, but there was some outright racism that I'd really never seen before, but my friend told me is really not uncommon in the south. At one point, a group of us (maybe 10 asian guys) were walking down the street, and this hot dog vendor stopped and bowed mockingly at each of us. It was offensive on this level I'd never even seen before; I would have told him off, but he wasn't even worth my time.

OK, I meant to write more about that, especially in the context of dating, but I'm tired now. More later.

Next Long Weekend

So this weekend isn't officially a long weekend, but I'm actually taking Friday off. A really good buddy of mine is having his bachelor party in New Orleans this week! He's straight, actually, and every other guy in the bachelor party is straight, but it should still be a fun time. While the focus is drinking, I'm sure there are a few titty bars on the agenda too. I actually took the liberty of writing down the names of a few gay bars in the area (I figure if these straight guys with girlfriends and fiances can see tits, I shouldn't feel guilty about seeing some of New Orleans' go-go boys, right?)- I've never been there, and I've heard they have some of the oldest legal gay bars in the country.

As it turns out, last week was some huge gay party there, which is just as well that I missed, lol. Anyway, this weekend should be fun, regardless!

Sleeping in fail!

OK. I'm having an amazing weekend, but it was slightly marred by the fact that I forgot to turn off my work alarm that goes off M-F so I woke up at 8 today. Chris was able to get back to sleep and I felt bad keeping him up by fidgeting in bed, so I decided to go to the bakery and get some stuff for breakfast. Only I got here and they open 2 hours later for labor day I guess...

So to recap the weekend... Chris slept over Friday and we didn't do much- we just played some video games. On Saturday we met up with some friends for brunch which somehow got turned into a whole day of drinking on my steps and then margaritas and then dinner. I also went to the Barney's sale and bought a really cute blue striped Hugo Boss suit for $450! I have like 3 more weddings to attend this year so I figured a new suit was in order.

Sunday was the beach day! I had never gone to Sandy Hook but it was definitely the nicest beach near NYC that I've been too. The ferry to get there is only 45 mins, but it is a little pricey at 40 bucks round trip per person. We brought our own beer, wine, and sandwiches, and we met up with my super good friends who were celebrating their 1 year anniversary that day! Chris and I had been joking all weekend about whether or not we'd actually take off our clothes, but honestly I never thought in a million years I'd do it. So when we got there, and I realized it wasn't all creepy old men (and there were actually some HOT guys), I just decided to go for it, and Chris and our friends eventually followed suit... or... lack therof. It was really funny at first, both the weird sensation of being totally naked on a windy beach, as well as the panorama of naked bodies of all shapes and sizes, but the novelty wore off and it just became comfortable. Toward the end of the day, we realized that the people wearing the suits actually stood out more than the nudes. SO MUCH FUN. We're definitely going back the first weekend of next summer! Here's the only photo of me I feel comfortable posting, heh. Feel free to be distracted by my beautiful friends in the background.

We got back and between all the alcohol and the exertion of swimming in the ocean and all the sun, we just passed the fuck out. I managed to rally to meet some friends for drinks that were visiting from out of town, but only for like a beer, and then we headed back home.

OK I'm dumb, I just realized that this bakery is closed for labor day. Bah. Uhh, here's another oversharing picture. Yup! That's Chris!

Last thoughts before the long weekend!

Long Weekend! So excited!

So I think we're going to go to this gay beach in NJ (Sandy Hook) on Sunday, and a bunch of our gay friends are coming too. I haven't actually decided if I'm going to go nude when we're at the optionally nude section, but just in case I trimmed my pubes :P. I had been getting a little lazy with that anyway. Only problem is I think I gave myself a hitler moustache... May need a touchup...

Other thing... I think I'm gonna give Chris my key. No big deal right? It seems like a big deal when I think about it sometimes. Oh well. Onward!

Do you share your porn?

Do you share your porn collection with your significant other/boyfriend? Do you share your porn collection with anyone?

I kind of think it would be hot to watch porn with my bf, but then again... LIST OF ANXIETIES! GO:

1. having just come out this year, it's also something that I kept such an intensely guarded secret, I think it would make me anxious having someone else looking at my collection.
2. I also wonder if my porn collection reveals any subconscious biases... For example I don't have a lot of Asian representation, but part of that is kind of that there's not a lot of Asians in porn to begin with.
3. I would also worry that he would infer things about my preferences based on the movies and the guys in them. I think the worst thing would be if he felt like I was more turned on by the guys in the porn than him.
4. The truth is, I haven't been watching that much porn since I came out really; I haven't really needed it like I used to... but I still download some of the vids from my old favorite sites, almost like keeping up with and old friend, lol. I'd also hate for my bf to think that I've needed them to jerk off with these past 3 months, cause I've probably only jerked off like... twice in the past 3 months. (On a digression, I have no guilt about jerking off in a relationship or anything lol, I just haven't really needed it or felt like it). Augh TMI again?

At some level I think it would be funny/hot, but like everything... I freak out thinking about this kind of stuff. And I can't pass up the opportunity to make another list.

Oversharing Friday

I knew I couldn't stop oversharing for long. This one I'm pretty proud of.

Actually that just totally reminded me of another thing I was going to share. This morning at the Starbucks near my house, I was ordering my coffee, and I realized with a little bit of a shock that the cute Asian barista guy was totally flirting with me. I go there pretty often, and I had kinda gotten a flirty vibe with me in the past, but this time he was totally overt about it-- like he had remembered my drink order from last time, and teased me about ordering a banana... Well, anyway, I mean, he's a cute barista in Chelsea, and I'm sure he gets hit on a billion times a day, and he probably just flirts with everyone, but I had forgotten how flattering it is. I guess that's one of the things that I miss from being single, the ego stroking you get from a total stranger showing interest in you. I am getting plenty of ego stroking from Chris though, so it all evens out. Anyway, the point of this story I guess is that this cute barista was flirting with me. Not gonna do anything, but it is still nice. Heh.

Upcoming weekend plans

On a lighter note now, things with the bf are going really great.

We've gotten into a routine now where we meet at my apartment mid-week once or twice and cook dinner, watch TV, and have sex. I talk to him pretty often every day, either on IM or on the phone. Then on weekends, he'll come over here or I'll go over there and we'll hang out all weekend.

With the long weekend coming up, we toyed with the idea of doing a short vacation; I actually called a few B&B's in Fire Island, but they were all booked on such short notice. I think we'll maybe try to do that in September. Instead, we're going to staycation in Manhattan or Brooklyn, and do a beach day trip to either Sandy Hook in NJ, or Cherry Grove on Fire Island for all of Sunday. I think I'm kinda proud of myself for not getting freaked out about a vacation together like I have about everything else.

In memory

Lot has happened the past few weeks so I haven't gotten to post much.

In short, my grandmother passed away about two weeks ago, and I had to go back to SF last weekend for the funeral. I don't really wanna talk about that much, so I'm not gonna, but I will just say, she was 89 and her death was not unexpected; she lived an amazing wonderful life, and I'm grateful and humbled by everything she accomplished in her life so I could have a better one.

Much love, everyone.

Posting for Post's Sake

1) This post is mostly so the embarassing sex positions post won't be up top..

2) Things with Chris are going really good. He had a party at his new place yesterday and I invited some of my friends too, although the embarassing part is I started getting Asian flush, which I normally never get, but when I do get it is all over my body and really kinda gross. Still his friends and my friends got along which is always fun.

3) We're throwing around the idea of a trip of some kind... I think it would be fun to just go back to Fire Island with him, or maybe we might just do something more casual like a day trip to a beach... I kind of hate overplanning stuff, but it's kind of inevitable at this stage huh.

4) So since I totally overshare on this blog and I kind of cling to the thin veil of security through obscurity, I was totally jostled today when I was browsing pictures on Letopho's blog and found that we have a mutual friend. It's a small world after all... Despite the fact that I have my picture and use real names on my blog, I feel like I can be super frank about a lot of stuff (sex, relationships, neuroses) that I wouldn't tell anyone I know in real life just cause it's all strangers on the internet. Still, I guess since the bubble of bloggers I read are mainly of similar background to me both ethnically and geographically, it's not that surprising after all. I'm still a little spooked though. I may start taking down some pictures ^^.

Oversharing about Positions

Ok, so a few posts back I made an offhand comment about trying to find a gay kama sutra... now I'm not trying to burn up the world here but it's just... I can't seem to do the "cowgirl", er "cowboy" position and it's frustrating me. The first time I tried it, it was just incredibly painful, and the second time I just couldn't seem to get the position right.

Like... where am I supposed to put my legs/feet? I don't think I'm doing it right.

The other positions are working fine, this is just one that is eluding me...

OK, I feel awkward now.

Steve MacIssac

Not the normal fare of this blog but a friend tipped me off to the artwork of Steve MacIssac and I thought I'd share it.

I love the strong line work, but I also like how he draws all different sorts of guys and body types, and combines strong visual storytelling techniques with minimalist dialogue, and sometimes just strong graphic layout to get a message across.

Wedding Crap

So as you may know from the premise of the blog, I'm almost 30- and 30 is the age where your friends who are legally allowed to do so start pairing off in legally binding ways.

Here are all the things on my mind due to the weddings in a list because I like lists:

1. One of my good friends from college is getting married this Saturday actually- I'm excited! My old college roommate is coming into town with his girlfriend who I haven't met yet. I already came out to him but this will be the first time we've hung out, and of course he'll get to meet Chris. I'm not bringing Chris, mostly because I RSVP'd +0 way back before I even met him, and I know how much my friend has been stressing over flowers and seating arrangements and chairs, and it's also way too early. Still, we'll hang out the night before with the other guests in town, and maybe after the wedding too.
2. Two of my other super good friends are getting married in November, and due to my newfound status, I got invited to both the bachelor and bachelorette parties! While I probably would have appreciated the strippers at the bachelorette party more, I think I'm still suffering from masculinity perception issues so I am only going to be attending the bachelor party. It will be a little weird, as it will be me and 19 straight guys down in New Orleans, tossing out beads on Bourbon Street and going to strip clubs. If I get a chance, I may check out a gay bar down there by myself (it has the oldest gay bar in the US or something) just to see what it's all about, but of course, I'm going there to hang out with my friend, and really it's more of a drinking thing, and I'm all about that anyway.
3. So the corresponding wedding for those two is in November, back in SF. Now... these are two of my super good friends here and they have met Chris like 5 times now, and totally love him. Again, I already RSVP'd for this wedding +0 before I even met Chris, but I have a feeling my friend may ask me if I'm bringing him, and I don't know what to say there... This brings up a whole new set of anxieties which mandates a SUB-LIST !
   1. The wedding is still 4 months out, and Chris and I have only been dating for 3. Isn't there some rule about how you shouldn't make plans farther out than you've been actually going out? If not, there should be.
   2. Again, this couple has been stressed out about guests and I know they've even had to cut some close friends. I can't imagine them allowing me to bring someone I just started dating in favor of a friend they've known for years.
   3. Bringing a date to a wedding is kind of a serious step, and you can piece together from past blog post how good I am with serious steps...
   4. Beyond the drama of the serious step, it's actually during THANKSGIVING WEEKEND, and it's in SAN FRANCISCO, where my brother lives, and where my parents are going to be coming for THANKSGIVING DINNER with the FAMILY. WAY TOO SOON, RIGHT?

Bah, I always make myself stress out about these things too much. Bed now.

Oversharing Again

So... just curious.

At a certain point in a long term exclusive relationship, do you stop using condoms?

First Relationship Insanity...

So in a lot of ways my relationship with Chris is my first one ever. Everything's going really good, but there are still some things that I'm a total noob about and I am just dealing with as they come up. So, post warning: this is where I use my blog as a platform to blurt out all the weird neurotic things that have been bouncing around in my head the past month or so.

First of all, I had a billion friends over these past two weeks now that the weather in NYC is getting good. My tiny studio apartment basically became a hostel for anyone I went to elementary school with. The last weekend I had 3 other dudes sleeping in my apartment, and not in the way that would normally get me complimentary blog comments. Still, I managed to hang out with Chris here and there, but not as much and not as 1-on-1 as the previous two weekends, and it was pretty good. My friends all love him, which is nice.

But here are all the things that are lurking in my mind, basically because I'm a 29 year old in the first real, honest relationship I've ever been in, and that is supposed to happen when you're 17.

• I'm trying to find a good balance between hanging out a lot, and monopolizing his time. He works really late, and I sometimes get pouty when he doesn't come over and I feel really needy at times like that and I hope I do a good job of keeping that to myself. He cancelled on Monday drinks with me and a lot of my friends because of work stuff, which I was kinda bummed about because a ton of my friends were there and wanted to meet him... but he had hung out with me and other friends like, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, and the Monday thing was pretty last minute, so I really don't blame him for it. I just don't really know what to do with that vaguely disappointed feeling I got there.
• To make up for it, on Wednesday, which was the last night one of my guests was in town, he picked up the check at our "going away" dinner for her, which was us two, my guest, and our mutual friend. This was at The Standard Grill in the meatpacking district, which isn't like SUPER expensive, but it definitely isn't cheap. I was kind of stunned awkward at the gesture, and I think I made some sort of awkward joke to my friends about working it off in trade later that night. It was incredibly sweet, but again I'm retarded with that kind of thing. Still, not as awkward as I'm making it sound, and I've definitely picked up the tab sometimes when it was just the two of us but still. It was very sweet and I'm overanalyzing it I know.
• So I actually bought these two t-shirts for the The Big Gay Ice Cream Truck which is awesome, and if you wear the shirts you get a discount or something, and I couldn't decide whether to get the truck or the cone (as my friend put it, one implies "lick me", one implies "ride me"), and they're both cute so I just bought both on a whim and figured I'd give one to Chris (we're the same size). Then after I got them it struck me that I had not only just bought him a gift, but that they were MATCHING shirts, and so because I'm a freak they have been sitting on my shelf in the fedex envelope I got them in. Last time Chris was here he even asked curiously what was in the envelope and I think I said it was a gift for my nephew. I'm weird, I know...
• Unrelated to him, I think it's the first article of clothing I've bought that declares my homosexuality. I mean, I own pink t-shirts, tight jeans, and a white belt, so it's not like I'm trying to dress straight, but it just struck me that this is the most out item I own. Shirt's pretty awesome though, right?
• The PDA thing- I think the first time we met up with Chris's friends on the street one time and they kissed hello and I kind of balked at kissing Chris in public I felt a little weird. I know it is paranoid, especially in Chelsea, but you never know who's looking and judging and I know that sounds retarded. I've definitely gotten more comfortable with it- after Pride especially. Last weekend when we were out with all my friends at a straight bar (The Bowery Electric, though, so not a totally straight bar I guess) I kissed him on the dance floor... and then I did the "Womanizer" dance on him... there were a lot of tequila shots involved. I do worry I'm a little too makeout-y now heh (not cause of the gay thing, but just cause of the general couple thing... I always feel my straight couple friends are very cool about not making out in front of others in a big crowd and I should do the same?).

Well... I guess that was a big ball of crazy. I mean, if that's all I have to complain about here on my blog I guess things are going pretty good. I'm helping Chris move apartments tomorrow (his old landlord was a dick trying to raise his rent in this economy), and I'm meeting him for pizza tonight and helping him pack. Still training for the half-marathon-- although missing 2 long runs cause of tourist visitors these past two weeks and probably missing one this weekend cause of Chris moving has made me consider dropping it.

Have a good weekend everyone!

From 'dating' to dating

I figure now that I'm dating someone, it's as good a time as any to delete all those online dating profiles I hate anyway, and I figured now was as good a time as any for a gloves-off review of each site. This is basically going to try to be the comprehensive review I was looking for when I started online dating and I couldn't really find anywhere. [Update hehe as I was writing this I see gawker has done a cursory overview of the same sites... http://gawker.com/5320419/after-craigslist-and-manhunt-here-is-where-gays-will-get-their-clicks]

Overview

So in past posts I might have sounded a little down on online dating, but in all honesty I think it's great. A lot of my friends who don't drink and hate the "circuit" scene in general find it to be a really reasonable alternative, and it is embraced by the gay community in a way that is really unparalleled in the straight dating world. If I were in a more philosophical mood I might wax on about how the very stigmatized nature of our sexuality makes us de-stigmatize other practices that other people might find distasteful...

When I started I was a little shocked at how ruthlessly efficient the whole process could be, and that was probably the part I was a little less forthcoming with my straight friends when I described the process.

Sites

• Manhunt
  So Manhunt is the 800 pound gorilla in the gay online dating scene. Wait, that metaphor sucks- because everyone talks about it. While some people complain alot about Manhunt, due to its limited free functions, creepy ownership details, and the perceived destructions of gay social interactions, but I'm a pretty tech-happy guy, and I kind of see Manhunt as a very efficient system that people like to use, even in its free form, and it's really kind of easy to use and fun, if you don't take it too seriously.
  Pros: NUMBERS- at least in my area, MH has the widest userbase by far
  Cons: Seriously crippled free accounts- you can only send a certain number of mails per day and you can't view full resolution pics, which is almost a dealbreaker really.
  Statistics: I conversed with over 10 guys on this site, and met up in person with 4.
• Adam4Adam
  After Manhunt, A4A seems to be the next most recognized and popular system in my area, and the best thing about it is it's free to use. Also, it seemed like the user base was a little more diverse than manhunt.
  Pros: Probably the best non-pay services, including full res picture viewing and unlimited messaging.
  Cons: Limited to 3 photos per profile, which is probably not a terrible thing really.
  Statistics: I conversed with over 10 guys on this site, and met up in person with 3.
• Gay Romeo
  So I joined GR at the recommendation of my European friends; apparently in Europe it is a very good system. However, my experience with it was pretty bad; maybe it's the relative immaturity of the site in the US but many of the profiles are clearly fake (like they use photos of famous actors and models) and there doesn't seem to be any attempt to clean up these fake profiles. Furthermore, every single time I got contacted on that site I felt like I was getting some kind of phishing scam. I didn't really find anything worthwhile there.
  Pros: Ummm, it's good in Europe from what I hear.
  Cons: It's unusable in the US.
  Statistics: I didn't have any real conversations on this site, or meat up with anyone.
• OK Cupid
  So OK Cupid is not exclusively gay, but I found that they do have an active gay community. It is more oriented toward dating than hooking up, and some of my friends reported having great success with that site. I found the quizzes and profiles to be a little too limited, and to be honest, I think it was a little too wholesome for what I happened to be looking for at the time as a guy who just came out.
  Pros: Very nice interface, good userbase.
  Cons: High barriers to actually meeting people.
  Statistics: I conversed with about 5 guys, but it never really went anywhere.
• Lovetastic
  I don't really know what to make of this site- as I only used it for about a week. I saw a lot of ads for it and it seemed like it had a cool interface, but when I got on I found that it has some kind of reputation system, and until you get enough reputation you can only send one mail a day or something. Also, the userbase just seemed really small.
  Pros: Very clean, oriented at a wholesome audience.
  Cons: Weird point system; small userbase
  Statistics: I conversed with one guy on here, but it never went anywhere.
• Gay.com
  So gay.com is another big player in the online dating market, but compared to manhunt and a4a I found the crippled features of the free account to be the worst. You can't even view the thumbnails of the non main profile pics, and I just didn't understand the search functions.
  Pros: Large userbase
  Cons: Crippled free account
  Statistics: I conversed with about five guys on here, but it never went anywhere.

Other Resources

• Realjock
  So Realjock is not really a dating site, but it's a gay men's health and fitness forum that has profiles like a dating site. I actually found their workouts and stuff to be really good, but their forum is a little toxic- people are a little too forward with their prejudices and insecurities right off the bat, but it's not too bad if you know what your'e getting into. I would just read the forums with a grain of salt, and then it's actually a pretty good resource for health and fitness issues, particularly ones pertaining to gay men. I'm not actually cancelling my account there since I still use the forums for stuff like half marathon training suggestions and what not.
• Grindr
  Hehe, as silly as it is, of all the dating sites/apps, I will miss Grindr the most probably. It's pretty new, but grindr is a free application for the iPhone or iPod touch that is basically a super condensed version of adam4adam. You just pick one photo (usually taken arms length with the iPhone camera) and you can write one or two lines about yourself and that's it. Then people can browse profiles near them (using the iPhone's GPS) and you can chat people. It's not really a good system, but it is great fun, especially when your'e bored.
• DList
  So Dlist is also a bit of an enigma to me. When you join it, it definitely does seem like some of the other dating sites, except most of the profiles have public face pics, and it's definitely more of a social sharing platform than necessarily a dating site. In fact, it's like the gay myspace. I don't actually think many people are using it to hook up like mh and a4a but I dunno, maybe I'm wrong. Like RJ, I am not cancelling this account actually, since I've found it to be useful for non-dating stuff; I'm on a group there for a local DJ that I like, as well as a party promoter with some good events.

Conclusion

Gay men may complain about the shallowness of the online dating community but I have to say it is unparalleled in the straight world for its efficiency and directness. If you know what you're getting into, it can be a lot of fun. And stay safe out there, kids.

Another Long Weekend Update

So we spent all of the long weekend together- I was a little worried it would be too much, but now it's Tuesday and I kinda miss just having him around. God I feel like such a cheeseball. Basically I had three different friends throwing house parties all weekend, and I ended up bringing Chris to all of them, so he's met all my friends- I was a little nervous I guess, cause it's one thing to come out to your friends, and then another thing to bring around a guy, but they were all cool and my friends all got along great with him, which was awesome.

And uh, in regards to the technical difficulties mentioned earlier in the blog... those have been since remedied, apparently ;)

I've been planning a big post for a while, but it's taking forever to write, but I hope it will be actually useful to some people... maybe Thursday.

Dinner Date

Well, PF and I spent Saturday through Monday together, other than when I was doing my community service. He's coming over tonight and I'm cooking him dinner! Then we're going to a friend's bbq tomorrow, and I haven't really figured out what we're doing for the rest of the long weekend.

[UPDATE: Weird, I made this post but it never published]

Pride (In the Name of Love)

Heh, so I couldn't get out of my Community Service; they're pretty strict here with the sick days- you have to actually present a Doctor's note to get it postponed, and honestly, after everything that happened to me I didn't want to make waves.

Still, I was determined to make the most of my pride weekend regardless. Saturday after my service work, I got out around 8, met up with PF and got dinner in the West Village. We actually ended up going to the Stonewall Inn, which he had never been to; it was crazy crowded, but not uncomfortably so, actually- we ended up getting a stool at the bar and making out for a bit ;). It was a fun atmosphere in there, and it was kind of nice to get our weekend started at the place that started it all really.

Pretty much every other place in the Village was crowded beyond belief so we went up to midtown to meet up with some of my friends. We ended up at the Ritz- and I got to introduce PF to my good friend Alex; it was also the first time I got to meet Alex's new boy, so it was pretty fun for everyone. We ended up moving back down to the Village actually, and we ended up at The Hangar, which was playing some hip hop, and we drank a little more and danced a lot and it was super fun. I was pretty exhausted though, so I went home with PF and we just passed out. The next morning, we got up early to go to get brunch and then PF had to leave early to get back to his place around 11. I still had 3 hours to kill, so ended up catching up with some of my other friends who were getting brunch near the parade route and getting set up for the parade. I didn't actually get to see any of the parade unfortunately, but I did hang out in the crowd that was gathering around it and feel the atmosphere before I had to go.

The community service itself wasn't so bad- I actually ended up sweeping Times Square, which was kind of a trip, given that I work there during the day. I was a little nervous someone I worked with would walk by, but it was all cool. In fact, when you're wearing a blue jumpsuit and sweeping the floor in Times Square, no one really looks at you at all, which sounds dehumanizing, but it was welcome to me at the time. And as stupid as the whole thing was, I really feel like it could have been so much worse; sweeping up cigarette butts and flyers is a billion times better than the jail cell, and honestly, when I was blacked out I could have done so much worse- In the long run, one night in jail and 2 nights of community service is a small price to pay for learning my limits and hopefully avoiding any such craziness in the future.

Met up again with PF that night, with his co-workers again, who are always fun, and we just wandered around. They showed me the pictures they got to take at the parade, and while it looked like it was fun, it also looked like it had been really long and actually really commercial, which is a little sad. They did get some goodies handed out at the parade though, like a novelty spanking paddle and stuff, heh. We wandered to a few more bars but they were all really crowded to the point of spilling onto the street, and I was exhausted from the two days of work, so PF and I just went home. PF didn't bring any stuff to spend the night, so we ended up just talking a bit; I basically told him I felt like I had grown a lot in the past week as a result of everything that had happened to me, and that despite all the horrible stuff, and the community service, I had one of the most fun weekends I could remember. I asked PF if he still wanted to be my boyfriend and he said yes!

And this PF stuff is getting annoying. His name is Chris. :)

Parents Just Don't Understand

Off the topic of arrests, dating, and general relationship confusion...

Since I lost my phone, I called my parents to let them know that my old number wouldn't work for a bit, and not to freak out, and I ended up talking to my Mom. Eventually, discussion about my job, family members' health, and the weather dried up and we were left with nothing left to talk about but me.

Like I said, my parents have recently seemed ok with things finally... My mom mentioned she was coming to NY in the fall with one of her sisters, and it occurred to me that I haven't come out to any of them. I asked her if she was comfortable with me starting to tell some of her sisters and brothers, and she just stayed quiet. Finally she asks "How sure are you about this? Are you sure you're not bisexual?" Sigh. #momfail.

But whatever, I told her I was sure, and blah blah blah and we got back to talking about her trip. Then she asks me if I'm dating anyone. Now... ok... maybe I'm expecting too much, but here is what a normal parent/child conversation about relationships is supposed to go, if I'm not mistaken.

Mom: Are you seeing anyone special?
Child: Yeah, kinda.
Mom: What's his/her name?

And here's how mine went:

Mom: Are you seeing anyone special?
Child: Yeah, kinda.
Mom: So you're not being promiscuous?

So I get that she is concerned about my health and great, but it kind of depressed me that she showed no interest in really finding out about what's going in my life, and clearly doesn't want to hear about any specifics. And I'm not going to go forcing it down her throat or anything. Still, it does bother me because I used to be pretty close to my parents and now that is strained. Obviously my expectations for them might have been to high, but I would like them to be interested in my life, and be happy for me when things are going well... I guess I'm worried it's going to be like this forever.

Oh well. I'm getting that out of my mind. Gay Pride this weekend, and while I'm missing big chunks of it to probably pick up trash on the West Side Highway, I still plan on enjoying the rest of it.

Happy Pride everyone!

Shifting Gears

Do you ever feel like life is sending you a message? So sometimes when I'm writing this blog I'm happy for the kind of candor I can only have with strangers; I think I tell you guys shit that I wouldn't tell some of my closest friends, or just stuff I can't say out loud cause it's just what's in my head and it's too much to say to someone I know in person without changing everything. This post is going to be crazy but there's just no easy way to summarize what's happened to me this past weekend with any kind of grace, so here goes.

Saturday
I met PokerFace for dinner in Brooklyn on Saturday- we fooled around at his place first, went to this really cool local restaurant, then a bar to get beers, and then back to his place. I had been worried it might be awkward but it wasn't, it was a lot of fun, and it felt really comfortable. I spent the night at his place.

Sunday
We got brunch in the morning and I went home and did my run.

That night I met up with my gay friends downtown, and I kind of had a crush on one of my friend Alex's friends, so when he had to leave for a date, I hung around to chat up his friend a bit. That somehow led to me getting way too drunk. I don't think I did anything that embarrassing at the bar (that I can remember) but here's where the story goes nuts. I mean, I was drunk- like blackout awful drunk. And... when I came to... I was in lockup in a police station.

So my arrest I've pieced together from the officer's account, and apparently I was in some kind of shouting match with a cabbie, and somehow police got involved and I was refusing to pay the fare (it was $3.80!) and I got belligerent or something. Anyway, I guess I got processed and took a mug shot and I don't remember any of it until I was sitting in a lockup and getting fingerprinted. And I was stupid drunk.

They cuffed me again, and moved me to another precinct for overnight holding, and I was in a tiny cell by myself with just a wooden board and a metal toilet. They told me I would get processed in the morning and I should be out of there by 8:30. I fell asleep.

Monday
At 8 they woke us up with sausage biscuits and cokes from mcdonald's. Then they came and called people to go to the court to see a judge, and they called everyone except me. The officer said my paperwork must still be in transit, but that I should be out by noon at the latest. They said I couldn't make my phone call until my paperwork was processed.

I sat in that cell for hours; I read my property claim ticket front and back probably 10 times, and tried not to read the crazy grafitti on the cell walls from previous occupants. OK, I'm getting sick just describing it again, but basically it was hell. I had no concept of when I'd get out and as the time stretched on I was convinced my paperwork had been lost. The officer only came by every few hours, and he never had any details. I've never felt more disgusted in myself than at that moment. I had dark thoughts, which I just never want to face again.

At 3pm, they finally called me out, and put me in another lockup room with about 5 other guys also waiting for their court appearance. We were there for about another and a half. At this point, they served us more food, which I guess we were supposed to have gotten around noon, but they forgot, so they were cold hamburgers- it didn't really matter because I was starving.

Finally I met with my legal aide and he said since it was a first offense and such a petty charge, he would ask to have it reduced to an "ACD", which I forget what it stands for, but basically if I don't get arrested in 6 months, the charge is expunged from my record. I have to serve 2 days of community service, which is, unfortunately on this weekend... gay pride weekend here in NYC.

So the other thing is I lost my phone. Now I don't know if I lost it in the cab, at the bar, or if it was confiscated and lost at the police station, but that's that. It's just a phone, I'm not going to sweat it.

I got home, took a long shower, called my boss (who was more relieved to hear from me than mad, thank god), and then my BFF, who had sent me an email because she thought it was weird for me to not talk to her or respond to her texts.

Then I called PokerFace. I told him what happened and I was practically in tears. I asked him to come over. He came over and was just amazing. He just listened to my story without judgement, and was completely sympathetic and I mean, just awesome. We watched some stupid movies and tv shows, and ordered in some Indian food. I didn't think I'd be in the mood for anything, but after we made out a bit, and my mind was off the whole day, I got pretty horny, and just wanted to think of something normal, so we jerked each other off. We watched some more TV, and went to sleep, but I was having trouble- not only did things keep reminding me of the cell, but I also had bruises on my wrists from the handcuffs, and on my elbows and ribs, I guess from the arrest. I felt like a jerk for keeping him up, but he was totally understanding and eventually I did fall asleep. We woke up in the morning, took a shower, and got breakfast together.

Summary
So that was my weekend, including the worst night of my life that turned into the worst day of my life. And what have I learned? I need to fucking grow up. Enough with the binge drinking and pathetic attempts to win the meaningless approval of strangers.

More importantly... I know now that I don't deserve him, but I want PF to be my boyfriend. I almost blurted this out when he was staying over, and I started to think that when I tell him I want it to be special- and not some trauma-induced needy bullshit that doesn't mean anything.

So... like I said before- do you ever feel like life is sending you a message, and in a way that you just can't ignore anymore? I'm pretty sure the message I got is that I'm a fucking mess.

(no I can't read his) Poker Face

Ok so back to the actual story. PF comes over and I pretty much give the speech verbatim like I typed it out. [Alex C: I thought about doing it after dinner, but it was weighing on my mind so heavily I just wanted to get it off my chest]

He nodded a lot and said he understood that I was new to all this and wanted to try out more stuff before settling down, and he was comfortable moving slower. His actual paraphrase was "got it, you don't belong to anyone", which sounded a little more to the point, but... whatever works, I guess.

After the talk we went to a cool tapas joint in Chelsea, but there was a crazy wait so while we were waiting we walked up to the new High Line park here, which is awesome. Among other things, it's a really popular make out spot for gay couples, so... PF and I did that a bit. Then we went back to the restaurant and our table was ready- we got really good tapas and split a cheap bottle of Jumilla wine. It was really a great meal and conversation was great and everything. We got back to my place and had a really intense oral session that was really hot and took a shower together, and then went to sleep. Around 2am, though, I woke up a bit and noticed PF was still awake, and he said he was just having a bit of trouble sleeping, and around 5am I woke up again to him getting dressed. He said he just wasn't feeling well and thought he should head home, so I said ok and saw him out. The next morning I texted him to see if he was feeling better and he said he actually took the day off work, and it didn't have anything to do with the conversation or anything. I was as up front and honest as I could be with him, so even though I thought him leaving early on Wednesday was a little weird, I'll take what he says at face value; other than that everything on our date was great.

We have plans to get dinner tomorrow, and hopefully he'll have processed it all more and maybe we'll talk about it more, but despite the little apprehensions, I am still looking forward to the date!

An ominous portent?

Alternative Title: "Oops, I did it again".

[So all this stuff happened on Wednesday, but between having the talk, training for the half-marathon, and dinging 80 in World of Warcraft, I have no time to post!]

So a little background- during my posting hiatus at the end of february, the first guy I hooked up with was this guy I met at a bar and we hit it off, and whatever. He was a little younger than me (24), which given my 0 sexual experience seemed like a good match. On the 3rd date (we had fooled around but not had sex), he asked me "where is this going?" And knowing that I wasn't ready for a relationship, I told him I was just looking to fool around and not looking for a relationship, and he was, so things ended there. For the sake of anonymity we'll call him D.

So, I was prepping for my date and talk with PokerFace on Wednesday, and literally 10 minutes before PokerFace arrives, D calls me and is just chatting about his life and his work and whatever, and I'm totally confused. We've barely spoken at all since February, and he left cause he wants a relationship, and all of a sudden he's just calling me to hang out? Especially given that I was expecting PF over and was still going over the talk in my mind, I kind of just let him know that nothing had really changed since last time, but if he wanted to hang out as friends that would be cool. But... it was just weird timing right? This is pretty much the only other guy I've ever gone on more than 2 dates with, and the first guy I had to have a talk with of any kind. I couldn't tell if this was a good sign (hey I was mature in that conversation too and no one got hurt!) or a bad sign (apparently the last time I had this talk, it didn't stick).

Crap, now I'm late for work. I'll get to the post-talk with PokerFace in another post later today.

The Talk

Well Poker Face is coming over in about 2 hours and I am waiting for my iPhone software to download and I'm going to go for a quick run before he gets here, but I thought I'd lay out my points from before into a planned script for tonight. It's not that I want to give a canned speech, but I know I'm going to get nervous when he gets here and there are some key points that I don't want to miss so here goes. Also some of these

"Hey- before we go to dinner, there's something I wanted to talk about. I have something on my mind and I kind of need to get it off my chest, so just hear me out here.

So, I don't know if you realized this, but during dinner on Sunday with your co-workers you were telling this story and you called me your boyfriend. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not like totally against that, it just kind of startled me because we've never really talked about that, so it was kind of a shock. To be honest, it wasn't just that, it was also all the talks about rafting trips and what our plans were for pride and 4th of July and stuff. I just felt like suddenly everything is moving faster than I thought and I don't know if I'm ready for it. So the thing is, I really like you, but I just came out 4 months ago really, and I'm turning 30 at the end of this year. This probably sounds selfish, but the thing is, this is my only chance to be a young, single gay man, and I had my own plans for this summer that I was looking forward to.

I really like you, and I thought this was going really good, just keeping it casual and going slow, but I know that probably wasn't really fair to you- and instead of having a mature conversation with you about our relationship, I just kind of let it go on without talking about it. I thought about it after Sunday and having a boyfriend does sound really great and it's something I want eventually, but I just know that right now I don't have the maturity for that, and I can't rush that. I am still at the phase where I want to be able to go out with my friends to a club, and flirt with the bartender or a cute guy if I want, and not feel guilty about that. I know that makes me sound like I want it all, but that's really all I'm capable of right now.

I totally get it if this is not what you want or if you think I led you on. I mean, you came out 8 years ago, and probably went through all this a long time ago and you're in a really different space than me. If you're not totally disgusted by me, I still want to date you- and after the summer or so, maybe we could reevaluate things and see where we are.

So, that's it, I just had to let you know where I am, emotionally and stuff.

[Q&A period goes here]

[If he still wants to have dinner with me, then that goes here]

[If that goes, well, more sex]."

And that's where my my mind goes of course. I wonder if he's seen that doctor yet...

Can't sleep

It's 1am and I have just been lying here trying to go to sleep... and it's been on my mind all day at work. I have to talk to PokerFace. This thing is just moving too fast and it's pretty clear to me now that we are both moving at very different speeds.

Independence
I'd have to say my biggest fear of being in a relationship now is that I kind of just want to be single now. I just came out two months before I met PF and suddenly he is calling me my boyfriend and I feel like I didn't even get to experience single life. At the very least, I wanted to experience the whole summer and I had planned to go to all these parties with my friends and maybe flirt with guys and all of these plans were for me as a single man. Even though I do like PF, I just feel like I really need to be single at this phase in my life, and I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship. Even beyond that, if I don't experience this summer the way I had wanted to, or even give myself the opportunity to, I will probably end up resenting PF for that, as irrational as that sounds.

Buyer's Remorse
Also, while I do enjoy my time with PF, there are definitely things about him that bother me. Of course there's the sex stuff I won't shut up about... but there are other things too. Some are easily fixable (I'm not crazy about his fashion sense, sometimes his hair and his facial hair are a little weird), some are not really a big deal (he gets a little sweaty when we're making out which is sometimes a turnoff, and I wish he worked out more). Then there are the ones that may be a dealbreaker in the long term. The main thing is he's totally passive when it comes to decision making, whether it's about dates or what to order, or everything. While it sounds great that he's always like "oh we can do whatever you want to do", it kind of makes me wonder what the point of being on a date with him is at all.

The Good Stuff
But I go back and forth on this... This morning I was pondering a long term relationship with him, and I could envision it. It was kind of nice, even though it was all just a weird reverie in my head. We have a lot of common interests, we have good conversations, and he is incredibly sweet. But again, because he just goes along with whatever I say, I have a hard time telling sometimes if we are on the same page or if he is just being passive again. I definitely want security and someone who understands me, but it has to be the right guy, and there are times when I just don't think he's it, and other times where I think he might be. I guess that's why I'm still up and typing this now.

The Options
So I have to meet him in person some time this week, and I am going to lay out how I think we're moving too fast and he's rushing me in ways that are kind of freaking me out; I think I'll definitely tell him that I need to be independent, at least to the point that I had things planned for this summer as a single guy that I want to do still, and I don't want to have to feel guilty about it. I mean, he came out and dated and stuff 8 years ago, and I just did it. I'm just not on the same page as him, maturity-wise, and as much as that sucks, it would suck worse if I just lied to myself and him about it and pretended I was all cool with everything when I'm not.

The thing is, I don't know if I want to tell him I want to slow things down and see other people and still see him and reevaluate it at the end of the summer... or if that's just bullshit and if I should just cut it off before we both end up getting in further and getting more hurt... And that's why I'm still up typing and no closer to getting to a conclusion or to sleep. I think I'm going to watch some DVR'd tv...

Leaps and bounds...

PokerFace and I saw Up on Thursday, and we normally only go on one date a week, but I got a text today to see if I wanted to see a movie with him, his gay co-worker, and his co-worker's boyfriend. This was clearly a relationship escalation. I really didn't know how to deal with something like this... But as much as I kind of want to be single, another part of me wants to give this relationship a shot, and to jump in with both feet. Plus, I was thinking- as long as I don't say I'm his "boyfriend" there's no expectation of exclusivity, so maybe I'm not closing off my options.

I ended up bailing on the movie itself, but meeting up with them for drinks and dinner after. It was actually super fun, his co-worker and his boyfriend were cute and really funny and we all had a good time. Then at one point when they were exchanging work anecdotes, it came out that apparently on Friday PokerFace had told co-workers that he had "a boyfriend" (that would be me, apparently). I don't think I let on how much that freaked me out at dinner, but it definitely was a little weird right? We've never had a conversation about that and he's telling his co-workers that I'm his boyfriend... I really think it's time we had a talk, although I really don't know what my message will be.

Brutal Honesty Sunday

The film festival was excellent. After the double feature PokerFace and I had a nice dinner and headed back to my place.

He's a really good cuddler... I could have done that for hours. I guess we probably did. The next morning I took him to one of my favorite brunch spots, and then we came back and took a nap before he had to head out. We spent about 22 consecutive hours together, which is kind of a first for me. I came 4 times... so it does seem odd for me to be complaining I guess.

I guess I go into these dates hoping they'll answer my questions one way or another but they just bring up more. God, now I'm typing clichés... Time for bed.

Suspense

I had a strange thought today- when I got home from the gym on Monday I was kinda horny and I had a whole batch of new porn on my computer so I jerked off. It was pretty good. I realized today that that was the first time since I started dating PokerFace that I had jerked off (No... I'm not like a girl crossing off days on her calendar).

It wasn't like a conscious jerking-off-abstinence, I just always was anticipating getting off with PokerFace, and because of the Fire Island trip, this was the first time I'd gone over a week without seeing him (not counting when I was sick, and who wants to jerk off when they have cold sweats?).

I'm certainly not one of those weirdos who thinks jerking off is cheating, and like I said last time, I don't even know if I'm in a stage in a relationship where I'd even consider fucking another guy cheating. Still, it was just something that struck me today... when I was at the gym again. Heh.

Don't worry, I'm gonna hold off til my date with Pokerface on Saturday... We're going to see some of the movies at the LGBT film festival here in New York. There's something exciting about the suspense. Despite all our strange encounters and my misgivings about being in a relationship, I still get rock hard every time I see him in person. Looking forward to Saturday, even if it is for extremely shallow reasons... ;)

The weekend

So Fire Island was super fun! I went to an underwear party and made out with a stranger, which were pretty much my only two goals for the weekend. I didn't do anything further, although there were definitely opportunities. The weird thing about Fire Island is that everyone is staying in large houses with huge groups of friends, normally at least 2 people to a room. In addition, most of the houses have strict rules about guests, so if you're going to hook up with someone, it's either outside in the woods or in like a jacuzzi or something. Or it's totally blatantly in the middle of a bar, which I saw a bit of. In either case, I wasn't really willing to go further than making out with some guy and some underwear groping, but in terms of Fire Island, I was extremely chaste.

So now I'm back in NYC and back to my regular shtick. I'm seeing PokerFace this weekend (I think we're going to the big LGBT film festival here this weekend), but I think if we don't have sex I may just call this whole thing off. It's not even just about the sex actually. It's just in general I wish PokerFace was a little less complacent. Like when we go out I always end up picking the place, and even ordering the food if we're sharing, because he always says he wants whatever I want. While that's all very sweet it also makes me a little bored. I need him to be more of a top in a few aspects I guess...

I know it's not really the same thing, but I've been getting some flirty mails on some of the dating sites recently, and even though I never really find what I'm looking for on those sites, it's still fun to play the game. One guy wants to go on a date, but I haven't said yes or no yet. I know it's hardly like PokerFace and I are exclusive, but I still feel like it would be weird to juggle. I'm not sure I can date more than one guy at a time and be true to myself about it.

Weekend fun

So in a short interlude from my dating puzzlements... I'm going to Fire Island this weekend! A good friend of mine booked rooms at a B&B in the Pines (the gay section of Fire Island) and we know people staying in houses and bungalows there that are having parties and it should be SUPER fun.

I've never gone before but the descriptions I've gotten make it sound like something in between a 24x7 outdoor gay beach party and an organized orgy. In either case, I am super excited to go. I don't leave til Friday but I've already started packing swimwear and condoms lol. I don't even know what the weather is going to be like, but I don't think it will actually matter that much.

So excited!

Long Weekend Update

This post is so long it needs big bold headers!


Lest you think this blog has turned purely into the erectile dysfunction daily, I am remembering my roots a little bit and catching you guys up on some of the other events in my life.

Visiting family
So i've pretty much come out to all the cousins on my mom's side and they've been super cool. One of my older cousins was visiting this weekend with her husband and we met up with my other cousin that lives in New York and we all had an awesome time going out to some new restaurants and bars. We talked a little about my experiences coming out to the other cousins and if I was ever going to come out to the older generation, but for the most part we just had a great time hanging out with each other which was what it was all about.

Coming out
Other than the cousins, I also got a last minute call from an old high school friend who was visiting town for a wedding and wanted to get a bunch of our old friends together for lunch on Sunday. So, that was an opportunity to come out to all them. Again, pretty normal- all my friends are liberal and live in big cities so there aren't really any surprises there.

Fourth Date
So the last bit of info is I did have my fourth date with PokerFace last night, and I spent the night at his place for the first time. So, he said he still wasn't ready to try fucking me again, so I was a little disappointed, but we still had a lot of fun. Still, I'm not sure where it's going. I ended up mentioning my Fire Island trip to him, and I really don't know what that's going to entail or not.

The main thing is that, four dates, plus being a really good friend of a really good friend makes it a little complicated... I definitely feel like it would be bad to keep stringing him along if I'm not that into him, but it's hard for me to separate the sex stuff out from everything else. I like hanging out with him... but I really don't know if I want more than that right now.

Bleh. Anyway, I'm looking forward to my upcoming little trip. Among other things, between starting yoga and training for the half marathon, I'm in awesome shape and I'm looking forward to showing off a little on the beach :P