California Gurls

WeHo

On my last trip to california, I got to hang out in LA for a few days, and I met up with prolific gay asian blogger letopho! We took two pics together, and though I thought the one above looked better, I'm including the second one:

because you can see the gogo boy's crack, and it looks like there's some strange going down in the photobooth.

Weddings

I also met up with a friend who moved from NY to LA with his bf of 10 years, and they are one of those couples just waiting for gay marriage to be legalized in California now. For their sake I hope it's soon. We ended up talking a lot about gay marriage conventions, which were all new to me since I have never been to one. Topics were things like:

• He said both grooms are supposed to wear white? That sounds awful.
• I asked, who do you dance with? Your mom or your dad?
• Do you have groomsmen or bridesmaids or both?

Obviously the answer is "whatever you want", but it's fun to talk about.

Neither of us had been to a gay wedding, but our friend had been to a lesbian wedding and said they retained most of the traditional elements, except for things like a bouquet toss.

Also, on a somewhat related note, a female friend of mine has asked me to be a "bridesman" at a wedding next year. Is that a thing? Oh well I'll let you know how that goes.

Ghey

So one thing that kind of shocked me in California, and maybe this is just a weird sampling, but I heard 3 grown adults, completely educated, and otherwise non-homophobic people say "That's gay" in conversation. I really can't remember the last time that I heard anyone over college-age in NYC say that. Is that actually ok to say in California, or maybe are people in NY just better at censoring themselves around me?

In one case, a girl said it, and immediately corrected herself awkwardly, unfortunately with "I mean, retarded". /facepalm.

In another case, my friend's ex said it, and she immediately challenged him on it (which I'm glad she did, because it would have been awkward if I had done it, as I barely knew him and he was giving us rides all over town), and he got a little defensive about it.

I'm not super-soapboxy about it, but I more surprised to hear it at all, more than anything else.

It's Getting Better All The Time

You have to be living under a rock to not have heard about one of the many recent tragic gay suicides that have been in the news so often lately. The story is so templatized by now that it is really scary- high school or college boy gets bullied to the point of suicide. Dan Savage has encouraged people to record video messages to these youths- in his "It Gets Better" project. But damn it, Jim, I'm a blogger, not a videographer.

Anyone reading this blog has probably experienced gay bullying of some kind. In my case, it was one of the forces that probably kept me in the closet so long; I dated girls in High School because it was the easiest way to dodge accusations-- and that lie got carried out through college and into my adult life. I attended a rigorously academic private school, and even there, anyone who even had rumors about their sexuality became socially stigmatized to near ostracism. By the time I was at college, even at a much more accepting place, I had internalized so much of that fear and self-loathing that I just kept it up. And the rest... well, read the blog.

I know I'm not the most prolific writer out there, but I do hope that this is getting read by people out there that are in the same boat, and are looking for positive examples for people living a normal, actualized life and living without fear. Whether you're in high school, college, or even if you're like I was- a desperately unhappy 28-year old who was trying to figure out how to undo a lifetime of second-guessing, I hope that I am living proof that it does get better.
So after all that, here are my updates. Despite my proclamation of not attending straight weddings in California, I'm still attending a crazy number of weddings in California (photobooth from the most recent one pictured here). Sigh. I make up for compromising my personal politics by eating a lot of tasty hors d'œuvres.

My parents have come around really well- in fact, as I am typing this, they are sleeping in the guest room at Chris and my apartment. They're visiting for the weekend, and it's actually been really great with them. I have also heard through the grapevine that they're much more comfortable telling their old friends about me. And hey, if 60 year old Chinese immigrant parents can proudly tell their friends their son is gay... it's got to be getting better, right?

Coast to Coast

Haven't posted in a while, just thought I'd drop a note. Just been crazy busy this summer. For all my bravado earlier, I wasn't able to say no to any of the straight weddings I've been invited to, so as a result I'm on my 3rd cali trip this year, with 2 more to go! It's fun, but getting expensive and exhausting! Thank god for in-flight wi-fi.

I haven't taken Chris to any of the family weddings yet, even though he was invited, just because I'm not sure if it's the right time. He's met all my cousins and some of my aunts and uncle's individually, but something about introducing him to the big collective all at once does seem a little daunting. I don't even think this is a gay thing anymore, I think I'm just in long term relationship waters I've never really been in before, and I think probably everyone deals with this. Not in a big rush though, I figure I'll introduce him to the big family when it feels right.

Yesterday at the wedding reception at a big table with my cousins, the inevitable topic of "so, who's next?" came up. A lot of people looked at me suggestively and my cousin asked if that was in our future, but I just shoved more cake in my mouth. Not ready for that one yet. And cake is really good.

Eh, maybe I spoke too soon.

Eh, just a few days after I post that I don't feel like a noob anymore, I get handed a bunch of situations that make me feel completely unprepared once again.

First off, my Mom is kind of "two steps forward, two steps back", and not in a Paula Abdul friendly kind of way. Like, I had mentioned to her last time that I was seeing someone, and she didn't seem that interested in hearing more, so I didn't really press the issue. This time she was asking questions about him, like how old he is and stuff. All of this seemed pretty good, and I was kind of happy my Mom was interested in my life again. Then she asked "Has he had previous partners?" She actually said this. I don't know if it was her Asian-ness or the fact that she was a doctor that made her feel entitled to that. I got kind of angry with her, and asked her if she had asked my Sister-in-law that. She doesn't even really have the decency to be embarassed or sheepish about it. Ugh. So they're a work in progress.

The big dilemma for me is coming in the form of family weddings, though. So I took Chris to a friend's wedding in Thanksgiving, and it was really fun. However, now I'm getting invited to a ton of cousin's weddings for this upcoming year. 4 so far, actually (I have a gigantic family). Not really sure what to do here.

1. My parents haven't met Chris in person. I dunno if a wedding is the right place for all that.
2. Plus, while I'm out to a lot of the cousins and aunts/uncles on my Mom's side, there are a lot of extended family I'm not. While I don't really care, I really don't want to cause any drama, especially at a cousin's wedding. I know it's lame, but I feel like it's probably better not to bring Chris to those.

So that's kind of lame. I mean, one of the things I love about Chris is that he's really understanding of my general overthinking of everything, and would understand if I'm not comfortable bringing him to all these weddings. It still kind of sucks though :(.

Eh, the first one isn't until April. I have some time to decide I guess.

Voyage to India!

Just got back from India! This picture is from the second out of four (yes, four) nights, called a Sangeet. This is the only night we dressed in traditional Indian attire (called a "Kurta"), the rest of the nights most guys outside of the wedding party wore western suits. To say the wedding was extravagant would be an extreme understatement. In India, parents save up for their kids' wedding like parents might save up for college here. Really, no expense is spared. It was an AMAZING, one-of-a-kind experience. I feel really special to have been a part of it.

In addition to the Kurta, they also had people doing Mehndi. Normally this is only for females, but I'm a little more comfortable bucking traditional gender roles these days, so I got a peacock on my palm. The peacock is the national bird of India, and in addition to that, it opens the door for a lot of "cock on my palm" jokes. Yeah.


So... other than that, travel around India was crazy. I saw the Taj Mahal, which was amazing, of course. In India you are surrounded by people in desperate poverty on a scale you can't even find in the US, which really takes you out of your comfort zone. It's very hard to take problems like your job and your parents that seriously after seeing stuff like that.

The funny thing about India is that you will see men on the street holding hands, and in clubs, men will dance with each other. None of these are signals of homosexuality though; in fact, homosexuality was only decriminalized in India earlier this year, and it is still a very touchy subject. I didn't really get to go around much so I can't really say what the gay scene in India is like, but from what I have heard it is still mostly underground.

Anyway, I'm exhausted! Still have one more wedding to go to this week too!

Wedding Crap

So as you may know from the premise of the blog, I'm almost 30- and 30 is the age where your friends who are legally allowed to do so start pairing off in legally binding ways.

Here are all the things on my mind due to the weddings in a list because I like lists:

1. One of my good friends from college is getting married this Saturday actually- I'm excited! My old college roommate is coming into town with his girlfriend who I haven't met yet. I already came out to him but this will be the first time we've hung out, and of course he'll get to meet Chris. I'm not bringing Chris, mostly because I RSVP'd +0 way back before I even met him, and I know how much my friend has been stressing over flowers and seating arrangements and chairs, and it's also way too early. Still, we'll hang out the night before with the other guests in town, and maybe after the wedding too.
2. Two of my other super good friends are getting married in November, and due to my newfound status, I got invited to both the bachelor and bachelorette parties! While I probably would have appreciated the strippers at the bachelorette party more, I think I'm still suffering from masculinity perception issues so I am only going to be attending the bachelor party. It will be a little weird, as it will be me and 19 straight guys down in New Orleans, tossing out beads on Bourbon Street and going to strip clubs. If I get a chance, I may check out a gay bar down there by myself (it has the oldest gay bar in the US or something) just to see what it's all about, but of course, I'm going there to hang out with my friend, and really it's more of a drinking thing, and I'm all about that anyway.
3. So the corresponding wedding for those two is in November, back in SF. Now... these are two of my super good friends here and they have met Chris like 5 times now, and totally love him. Again, I already RSVP'd for this wedding +0 before I even met Chris, but I have a feeling my friend may ask me if I'm bringing him, and I don't know what to say there... This brings up a whole new set of anxieties which mandates a SUB-LIST !
   1. The wedding is still 4 months out, and Chris and I have only been dating for 3. Isn't there some rule about how you shouldn't make plans farther out than you've been actually going out? If not, there should be.
   2. Again, this couple has been stressed out about guests and I know they've even had to cut some close friends. I can't imagine them allowing me to bring someone I just started dating in favor of a friend they've known for years.
   3. Bringing a date to a wedding is kind of a serious step, and you can piece together from past blog post how good I am with serious steps...
   4. Beyond the drama of the serious step, it's actually during THANKSGIVING WEEKEND, and it's in SAN FRANCISCO, where my brother lives, and where my parents are going to be coming for THANKSGIVING DINNER with the FAMILY. WAY TOO SOON, RIGHT?

Bah, I always make myself stress out about these things too much. Bed now.