A Great Story

I know I've let this blog lay pretty dead for a while. Got a new job, everything's going great, nothing much to write about. Things have been going great with Chris and my family. I have been pretty content just letting this blog lay dormant, and its kind of nice to have as a historical record of my coming out process. I look back at some of the stuff I wrote and I shake my head at how nervous and neurotic and irrational I seem sometimes, but I really like having it there, because it reminds me how much I've been able to accomplish.

If any of you follow the WTF podcast with Marc Maron, it's a great glimpse into the personal lives of standup comics. Though it's always comics, its not really a comedy show- it usually gets very personal and it gives you a glimpse into the lives of comics when they're not "on". This week Marc Maron featured Todd Glass, a former contestant on comedy reality show Last Comic Standing, a regular featured guest on "Tosh.0", and a staple of the touring comedy circuit; I was already familiar with his work and a pretty big fan. I was really excited to hear him on the show this week, and in the show, he came out professionally!

While coming out stories are a dime-a-dozen these days (which is a good thing), I think Todd's story is really intriguing, because he is 47, and struggled with almost the exact same issues I did. He really does a great job here of just speaking his mind completely honestly and unpacking his entire thought process, and it is eerie how specifically similar my process was to his. He is incredibly honest in going through all of his feelings and tracing the roots of his internalized homophobia, and I really was incredibly moved by his ability to share the details of his personal journey with the world.

Anyway, congratulations to Todd Glass and I wish him all the best!

Happy Gayversary!

Well, I'm actually a little late on this, but I thought I'd like to thank you all for coming to celebrate my gayversary. My first "coming out speech" was just over a year ago, at the beginning of February last year. What a long, strange, trip it has been.

I've managed to come out to pretty much all of my close family members. There are a few family members that just haven't been easy to contact logistically. I have 2 cousins in Australia that I've always felt close to, but I have had trouble finding convenient times to call, and calling someone out of the blue to come out seems so forced, although I guess I did that a lot. I have also heard, and this is completely not based on my experiences with my cousins, that Australians are in generally more socially conservative? I have never broached this subject with them, and I just don't want to trip some kind of cultural minefield.

In relationship news, I spent the first 3 months of my gay life being a big whore :), and then I met Chris and suddenly became a relationship gay. To be honest, looking back on it, I really probably thought I would be single for over a year, and date more, but I really don't regret any of it. I am really happy in my relationship right now.

Which... brings us to the newest piece of news... Chris and I are going to move in together! We're going to start looking at places when my lease is up in June. I'm so excited! He basically already spends every day at my apartment anyway, and it would be economical and practical, but MORE than that, I CANNOT WAIT to live with him! Ugh, now I'm getting all gushy. Still, it is exciting building a life with someone in a way that, 2 years ago, I had completely blocked myself off to.

The only snag is he still hasn't met my parents. I really think my parents will flip out if I move in with someone they've never met (but to be honest... they're going to flip out anyway, right?). Ugh, I need some advice on how to handle this one.

Big hugz

Big hugz to Steve over at Lions, Tigers, and Science Oh My who just came out to his Mom and it didn't go so great.

When I was home over Christmas, there were moments where I felt like things maybe were ok with my Mom and Dad. They clearly were making some attempts to stay involved with my life, but I didn't know how much they wanted to know. Eventually they did ask a few questions about my bf; like where he's from, and what he does for a living (I didn't mention the unemployment, cause... that would not have made him very popular). I really hope it goes ok when I finally introduce him in person, but I should keep my expectations realistic.

I do think I still have a lot of disappointment and a little anger that my parents (my Mom in particular) didn't take my coming out very well, and in general made it all about her. Like I said to Steve, I think one of the hardest parts of growing up is realizing that your parents are imperfect, and that you can only expect so much of them before you get disappointed. My parents will never be the super-supportive PFLAG parents or anything, and if they're actually working hard to accept me for who I am, I have to be able to do the same and accept their slowness to accept change as well.

Anyway, good luck Steve, please keep us updated.

Told the aunts

They were super cool about it actually. My Mom was even in the room, but she didn't say anything. Eh.

Umm, this is more of a tweet-length post than a blog post, but I've been busy.

Aunts still in town

but I haven't told them yet. What happened to me? I used to be a pro at coming out, six months ago; I guess I got rusty.

We've had a great weekend, and I was all planning to do it by now, but I just never got the nerve up. It really is going to change a lot of things.

They're out of town for the evening. I guess I'll do it tomorrow.

---

In other news; I'm hating work in a way I haven't ever felt before. I really just want to get through this year and then quit. It's gotten to the point that I am stressed out about work constantly, even on weekends. Just thinking about my work is making me tense. It's really never been this bad.

---

Haven't seen Chris in a week, cause the aunts have been in town. I'm gonna see him tonight. It's gonna be great, although I hope I don't spend the whole time just whining about my job and stuff

Recent News

Met up with one of my oldest friends from back home who just moved to NYC and came out to him. He was really supportive- wants to meet the boyfriend and everything, it was nice. It was cool to catch up with him, he's in a totally different line of work than me. He studied premed undergrad, but then went to music conservatories, and now he's in NYC trying to make his name as a jazz musician. It's crazy and ambitious and it sounds awesome. I went to see one of his shows last night too and it was great. I'm not really a jazz guy, but it definitely made my happy, which is all that matters, right?

---

Everything with the bf is going pretty good. Saturday night after a friend's party I couldn't sleep so he stayed up with me for a long time and we just talked about everything. We talked about his life before New York, previous dating life stuff we'd never discussed, and just general history stuff. It was nothing special, but I still like getting to know more and more about him. Again I feel like such a cheeseball, but even right now when I think about him I have to smile. He makes me happy ;).

And we watched porn together on Sunday. It wasn't that weird!

Incomprehensible

Earlier this week there was an episode of Glee in which a kid comes out in High School and is accepted by his peers for his confidence and individuality. Today the NYtimes magazine had a piece about coming out in middle school which is completely incomprehensible to me. I'm amazed at these kids today, but at the same time I have to be a little bewildered by it. I know everyone's different, but honestly at the age of 12? I don't think I even knew what gay was. I probably wasn't really aware of my own sexuality (especially to have the confidence to rule out bisexuality or just being a phase), until I was at least 15.

I actually don't think I had my first crush on a boy until 16 actually. Up until that point it was just pretty pictures on the internet.

Regardless, it's nice to know that the younger generation is more accepting. I can't help but read these stories and wonder why I couldn't have had the balls to come out when I was in high school, or at least college, and if my life would have been less miserable. While I'm sure that is true, it also comes with the realization that I would be a very different person today, I would definitely have different friends, and everything about me would have been affected. And I like who I am and where I am, so I guess all things considered, it all worked out for the best.

Parents Just Don't Understand

Off the topic of arrests, dating, and general relationship confusion...

Since I lost my phone, I called my parents to let them know that my old number wouldn't work for a bit, and not to freak out, and I ended up talking to my Mom. Eventually, discussion about my job, family members' health, and the weather dried up and we were left with nothing left to talk about but me.

Like I said, my parents have recently seemed ok with things finally... My mom mentioned she was coming to NY in the fall with one of her sisters, and it occurred to me that I haven't come out to any of them. I asked her if she was comfortable with me starting to tell some of her sisters and brothers, and she just stayed quiet. Finally she asks "How sure are you about this? Are you sure you're not bisexual?" Sigh. #momfail.

But whatever, I told her I was sure, and blah blah blah and we got back to talking about her trip. Then she asks me if I'm dating anyone. Now... ok... maybe I'm expecting too much, but here is what a normal parent/child conversation about relationships is supposed to go, if I'm not mistaken.

Mom: Are you seeing anyone special?
Child: Yeah, kinda.
Mom: What's his/her name?

And here's how mine went:

Mom: Are you seeing anyone special?
Child: Yeah, kinda.
Mom: So you're not being promiscuous?

So I get that she is concerned about my health and great, but it kind of depressed me that she showed no interest in really finding out about what's going in my life, and clearly doesn't want to hear about any specifics. And I'm not going to go forcing it down her throat or anything. Still, it does bother me because I used to be pretty close to my parents and now that is strained. Obviously my expectations for them might have been to high, but I would like them to be interested in my life, and be happy for me when things are going well... I guess I'm worried it's going to be like this forever.

Oh well. I'm getting that out of my mind. Gay Pride this weekend, and while I'm missing big chunks of it to probably pick up trash on the West Side Highway, I still plan on enjoying the rest of it.

Happy Pride everyone!

Long Weekend Update

This post is so long it needs big bold headers!


Lest you think this blog has turned purely into the erectile dysfunction daily, I am remembering my roots a little bit and catching you guys up on some of the other events in my life.

Visiting family
So i've pretty much come out to all the cousins on my mom's side and they've been super cool. One of my older cousins was visiting this weekend with her husband and we met up with my other cousin that lives in New York and we all had an awesome time going out to some new restaurants and bars. We talked a little about my experiences coming out to the other cousins and if I was ever going to come out to the older generation, but for the most part we just had a great time hanging out with each other which was what it was all about.

Coming out
Other than the cousins, I also got a last minute call from an old high school friend who was visiting town for a wedding and wanted to get a bunch of our old friends together for lunch on Sunday. So, that was an opportunity to come out to all them. Again, pretty normal- all my friends are liberal and live in big cities so there aren't really any surprises there.

Fourth Date
So the last bit of info is I did have my fourth date with PokerFace last night, and I spent the night at his place for the first time. So, he said he still wasn't ready to try fucking me again, so I was a little disappointed, but we still had a lot of fun. Still, I'm not sure where it's going. I ended up mentioning my Fire Island trip to him, and I really don't know what that's going to entail or not.

The main thing is that, four dates, plus being a really good friend of a really good friend makes it a little complicated... I definitely feel like it would be bad to keep stringing him along if I'm not that into him, but it's hard for me to separate the sex stuff out from everything else. I like hanging out with him... but I really don't know if I want more than that right now.

Bleh. Anyway, I'm looking forward to my upcoming little trip. Among other things, between starting yoga and training for the half marathon, I'm in awesome shape and I'm looking forward to showing off a little on the beach :P

Oh, Hai, I'm Will.

Oh and since I'm pretty much out, this whole anonymity thing seems a little unnecessary right? Like, if one of my friends found this blog I'd be mildly mortified, but honestly I don't even post the good stuff, so whatever. Maybe some day I'll get racy and post my Jason Statham fanfic, but until then I can take the mask off.

Since I don't feel like a Noob anymore, I've changed my blogger handle from "ChelseaNoob" to "Will", and I put up a picture from my recent trip to Brazil. My sister was able to take a picture of me with a rainbow! It seemed appropriate.

Update...

OK... I'm a bad blogger. I come out, my life becomes pretty awesome, and I get too busy meeting cute boys to write stuff down here. I still have been following all the great blogs that I started reading when I was deciding to come out though, and I read this post from Doug and it just broke my heart because I was so there. It just reminded me why I wanted to start this blog in the first place- not just that I wanted to have a journal of my experiences, but that I felt like I had received so much strength from the online community, and that simply reading about other people going through the same thing as me back in January helped me get through a really rough time in my life. If writing stuff down here can help anyone else, then I kind of feel maybe I'm paying it forward.

So... where to start... since the last time I posted a billion things have happened, almost all of them incredibly amazing and postiive.

1) Coming out: Since I last posted, I've pretty much come out to all my close friends in all my social circles, the cousins I am close to, and my immediate co-workers. Everyone has been amazingly supportive, some have been not-so-surprised (my one friend said that she suspected it because I hadn't gotten laid in 3 years and I never complained about it), but what surprised me is how people open up to me after I come out to them. It even happens with completely unrelated topics- I think it's just that when I was in the closet people could feel this blocked off energy from me, and after I opened up to them, they opened up to me about their personal lives and everything. I have started to network in the gay community, and I have some awesome gay and lesbian friends now that I just have so much fun with when I go out. I have lived in New York for 11 years, and suddenly the whole city is new to me again. It's pretty fun.

2) The parents: Umm, I already just typed this story up as a comment on doug's post, so I think I'll just paste it here as a quote. Wall of text go:

Doug, I read your post and it just rang like a crystal bell in my head. I read about your nightmare and I just had chills down my spine because I was totally there too. I'm also Chinese, originally from California, with religious parents/family. I identified myself as gay around 14 or so, and I just put it away in a box and decided it was something I could never have. I actually just came out and started dating men in February (at the age of 29), and I came out to my parents in March, so it was all very sudden. And honestly, I'm not gonna lie, coming out to the conservative Chinese parents was pretty awful.

First of all, they were visiting me (I live in New York now), and of course they had to stay in my apartment even though I live in a tiny studio, and cook in my tiny kitchen because that's what my Mom has to do. They were staying with me for 4 days and I decided I was going to come out to them in person so it had to be then. I came out to them on the second day, and they became just stereotypes. My Dad just decided he suddenly had to take some unrelated business phone calls and just tried not to deal with the situation. My Mom just stared at the wall and started crying. This was pretty much the whole first night. The second night, my Mom started asking me the really weird questions, like if I was molested as a child, or if this was because she was a working mother when I was growing up. On the third day, I decided I had indulged her hand-wringing and "why-me" questions, so I told her - "You can analyze my childhood and wonder what you did wrong as much as you want, but let's just be clear here-- what you're doing there is wishing that you had a different son. I'm what I am, and that's pretty much it." She was kind of sullen for the rest of the time, but my Dad actually surprised me and started saying the right things about how he wanted me to be happy and he wanted to be a part of our lives. My Mom and I were strained for a while after.

The really good part of the story comes last Sunday actually; my Mom just called me out of the blue to talk (we hadn't really spoken much since they were here) and she wanted to know how I was doing, if I was dating, etc. She said she wanted me to be happy, and then (and I quote) "and we want to make sure you're being safe in your dealings." I know it sounds horrible and mildly homophobic, but in the context it was really sweet. And also, I'm trying to convince my circle of friends to start using "dealings" as a euphemism for rough gay sex. (Usage: "I got dealt last night"). I'll let you know how that goes.

And I can't stress enough how important the support network is going into the coming out. If you have family members that you're out to before, like siblings or close cousins, having them to talk to before and after to temper the parental craziness is important. I had my brother and sister on speed dial during the whole thing, and they were awesome.

Anyway, sorry for the monster comment. I just wanted to let you know that the Chinese parent thing can go both ways. Of course they have had our lives planned out since we were 8 years old, and make dramatic proclamations whenever we veer from the path, but they do it because that's how they think it's the best way to show they care about you. When you do decide to come out to them, make sure you give them their space, but make it clear that it is not a negotiation and that it's something you are comfortable with. When you're coming out to them, it's because you love them and you want to share your life with them, and they will accept you for that

I am going back to Cali in May and that's going to be the first time I see them in person since they were here in New York, but I'm kind of thinking the worst is behind me. Like Doug, I used to have straight up panic attacks in the middle of the day, where a rush of images would come to my head and I would imagine my family and friends finding out about me, and there are days where it made me just want to double over and collapse. I don't have days like that anymore.

I've talked to a lot of my new gay friends about this, and honestly, no one has the "Lifetime Movie" coming out story where their parents are amazing and supportive. It's almost universal that your parents are going to disappoint you a little in this space, and that's just cause they're from a different generation and culture, and because they have such specific plans for their kids that suddenly change. I'm starting to have faith that my parents are coming around though, and I think they are going to be happy for me. I may hold off on the PFLAG t-shirts for a bit though...

3) The Sex... So... since the last time I posted, I've gotten around to meeting a lot of cute boys in bars and after 15 years or so of oppressed sexuality, I've definitely unleashed it in a pretty rapid way. Man, I have no idea how to type this without sounding like some big whore. Basically, in the urbandictionary vernacular I laid out in my blog comment, I've dealt, I've been dealt to, I've tried it all. It's been fun. I've been safe of course, and I'm kind of picky, but it has been so much fun :D. I don't know if I'm ready to go and type out every vein and detail, but maybe another time...

4) The Relationship... So, this is the hard part. On every dating site and "dating" site, they ask you what you're looking for and I have to think that if they're honest, pretty much everyone is looking for the same thing. It always bothered me when people said they're "looking for an LTR". I mean, an LTR is just an R that has lasted an LT. I think I would say that I am looking to meet guys to date, and that if I meet someone I really connect with, of course I'm going to continue dating them. Right? I definitely am a pretty monogamous guy though- I know I'm the exception here, but I just don't think I can be one of those people in an open relationship. I'm totally fine right now meeting guys and having sex without commitments, but when I do meet the right guy and we start dating, I'm not going to want to fuck other guys, and I'm thinking the right guy for me will feel the same. OK, so I've laid out my simple definition of a relationship prospect, and it took longer than I thought but oh well.

Well anyway, I kind of met my first relationship prospect on Thursday, but I probably messed it up. I was out with my super gay bestie Alex, who is teaching me how to vogue (!) and we were at this bar that has a gay night on Thursdays (Aspen). It was getting really fun around midnight, there were a lot of cute guys, and there were 2 for 1 drink specials. Anyway I'm getting us a round and walking them back to our table when a guy gives me the look, and I kind of smile back at him as I'm walking by and he tracks me a little with his head. He has great eyes and something about that look just made me happy. So, I bring our drinks and I talk to Alex and he tells me I should just go talk to that guy (and Alex also wants to meet his cute friend hah). I go over and kind of nudge his chair with my foot and when he turns around I introduce myself (I know, I know, I'm like a high school girl at a dance). Anyway, we get to talking for a while, and he's really funny and cute, and I'm a little drunk, and suddenly I grab his head and we start making out on the dance floor for a while. He makes it a point to say that he's looking for a relationship and not a hookup, and that's when I actually start considering it. I hadn't really been in "relationship looking" mode this whole time, but this is really the kind of guy I would want to date. I am a little embarrassed now that I have been sticking my tongue down this stranger's throat (BY THE WAY HE WAS A REAAALLY GOOD KISSER), but it is still fun. He give me his number and we say good night.

The next morning I woke up still smelling like his cologne. Why is that SO HOT? Anyway, I had to confer with my gay oracles and straight girl friends to decide how I was going to ask him out, and I was actually walking on air the whole morning (it didn't hurt that Friday here was absolutely gorgeous weather). It was kind of like I'd never felt before. I met up with one of my best girlfriends for lunch and we basically decided I should be direct and just text him and tell him it was nice to meet him and ask him out for Saturday Night. I was sitting there with my finger on the send button, and I realized that I wasn't going to feel the euphoria anymore as soon as I hit send. It was kind of sad, but I think I indulged myself long enough to take it in. Anyway I sent the message, and then I agonized for the next few hours- he finally got back to me after work hours, and he said it was nice to meet me too but he couldn't hang out this weekend cause he was busy with friends in town (AND HERE'S THE STUPID PART: I KNEW THIS. I MET HIS FRIENDS AT THE BAR AND THEY WERE VISITING AND I KNEW THIS). But what bummed me out is he didn't suggest a follow-up. If he was really into me, I think he would have said something to the effect of making plans in the future. I still replied that he should have a good weekend and that he should text me next time he's free, but I think it's probably over. I blew it, but I learned a lot (and I made out with a cute guy in a bar, I really am not complaining that much).

And the good thing is that last night I met another cute guy (a friend of a friend), and I think he may be into me. I'm kind of going to take this slow and let him make the first move... and maybe I'll wait til an actual date to stick my tongue down his throat. Maybe.

5) This is kind of unrelated, but I love Yoga! I think I never went before cause I thought it would sound too gay and blow my cover, but I've gone like 3 times and it's awesome (and lets be honest, it features hot guys in sleeveless shirts bending over). It's like an intense workout that makes you sweat and works your muscles, but when you're done with it, your spine is perfectly aligned and you feel like you've gotten a deep tissue massage and taken a nap. It's crazy good. I'm about to go to another yoga class in like 2 hours.


So, that's my super-omni update if anyone is even still following. Sorry I have been such a bad blogger, but my life has been a crazy whirlwind lately. Thanks for reminding me why I started this though, Doug, and best of luck in everything. I'm gonna try to post more regularly now, although now that I'm pretty much out, I think I'm just another gay guy on the internet heh... Maybe I should change the name of the blog.

Diff

So it's 3:30 on Friday night and I just got back from a very cruise-y gay club in New York with some friends. I guess a lot has happened since the last time I posted.

So of course the first thing on my mind these days is coming out. I have started telling my New York friends. For the most part, they have been less surprised than my friends back home and my family, I guess because they see me on a more regular basis, and had noticed my dating dry spell these past few years. It's been pretty rough on my schedule, but I've been pretty much scheduling dinners and brunches with friends wherever I can fit them in.

The rest of my time has been spent exploring the New York gay scene. I have started hanging out with my only gay friend in the city, who has been an absolute godsend. Not only is he giving me valuable advice about dating and sex that I really wouldn't be hearing elsewhere, but he also came out at a late age, and he is very helpful as a sounding board for all the stuff I can't tell everyone else or I'm scared to ask. He also has started showing me around the gay bars and clubs in NYC which has been really fun, even though I've been pretty shy. I went to two bars today, the first was pretty tame, just a bunch of guys in a room, and some friendly banter and glances everywhere. The second was a dark, cruisey bar full of shirtless guys making out. To be honest, I thought it would be scary, but it was pretty exciting. At one point a guy reached down my pants, which I wasn't really ready for, but was also fun in it's own way. I don't know if I'm explaining it right, it wasn't really as seedy as it sounds, but I definitely could have gone home with someone from there if I wanted.

It's not what I'm looking for now, but it's nice to know it's there. Maybe in the future. For now I'm definitely looking for something a little more wholesome...

One foot

When I was a kid I had a large hallway closet with a sliding door and a mirror along the entire face of it. If you slid the door open and positioned yourself halfway in the closet, your reflected image would complete the half of your body outside of the closet and you could perform visual tricks like make it look like you were floating. It was a stupid memory, but I remember spending hours with my sister doing this.

Anyway, I'm one foot out of the closet right now. I've told my siblings and two of my really close friends, and I'm just scheduling in more people to tell. It's kind of stressful cause I didn't realize that I'd want it to move this fast, and now I realize that my parents aren't visiting til the end of the month, and it's going to be three weeks of still trying to control this information. I really do want to tell them face to face, but I'm not sure if I can wait that long.

On the networking side... I am having some fun with OkCupid, gotten some replies back from some cute guys, and messaging them back. If anything, it seems like that site may be a little on the too-squeaky-clean end of the spectrum, but it feels pretty safe, and that's good for me right now. GayRomeo seems much more physically oriented, which would be fine, except it also seems really undirected. I am getting messages from escorts in Vegas and married guys in Ghana, which doesn't really seem like it's what I'm looking for right now.

I also went to another gay bar, this one as kind of a singles mixer, but the crowd was way older than I expected, and I still felt awkward so I didn't really stay that long. I am going to hang out with one of my gay friends on Thursday and we're going to go to a bar in Chelsea somewhere, so I'm actually really looking forward to that, if just to be able to start talking about all of this stuff face to face with another gay man.

The flood

So, two more today, it's starting to feel like this coming out thing is reaching a momentum, which is good, but kind of terrifying. I came out to an old high school friend who is also gay today, and he had some good advice, as well as was just a great sounding board for my weird fears and everything.

I also came out to my brother and his wife, which was also good. I hadn't really been anxious about them because they have always been super supportive, but it was still a little nerve wracking. They also gave me some advice on how they think I should approach the parents, which I'm still not sure about.

Other than that, at the advice of my gay high school friend (who is about my entire gay friend network at this point), I'm going to try signing up for a few of the free gay dating sites with headshots, and see how that goes. Any suggestions on which ones are good? The ones I was looking at were Gaydardate, OkCupid, and GayRomeo, based on the fact that they're all free and seem to be pretty established.

Hoping this isn't a huge disaster.

It's all happening

I came out to my friend yesterday, while hanging around watching tv in my apartment, which seemed like the right time. He was also pretty shocked, but he definitely had one of those "ohhh" moments. Apparently a few months ago his new girlfriend asked him if I was gay, and he had dismissed it, purely on the basis that I would have told him by now. Still, he was totally cool about it, and it was pretty comfortable eventually. I'm really glad I got to come out to him in person first, as he had a lot of the questions I'm anticipating from other people ("weren't you fucking girls before?" is the one that springs to mind).

After that we went out to dinner and some bars and then ended up at a friend's birthday party. At the party, some guy took off all his clothes and was wearing a sock for the rest of the night. He had a really good body, for a hipster. I think this may be a message: I come out, and I'm showered with hot, naked men.

Ok.

Hanging with the boys

So last night my friend flew in, and I'm planning on telling him today still. We went out with some of my other straight guy friends in NYC last night. We had cheap food and beer, bought some bad shots, talked so some girls who were definitely not 21 from long island, played credit card roulette, and talked about who ate pussy. While some of these things may not apply to my new life, I am pretty aware that coming out will change my relationship with these guys. I'm not saying they're homophobic or anything, but it will be one less thing we have in common.

I guess I'm just putting this out there cause it is something I will miss a little. I am glad I was able to have one last night of it. This next week coming up is going to be when I tell most of them I think.

So let's all take a shot to my new life. Man do I have a hangover right now.

Step 1

So I did it!

The situations were not quite what I had planned heh, as my sister was at an internet cafe that didn't even have cameras, and she only had 30 minutes before they were closing, so it was a little odd, but I did it! I basically just said "here goes" and I just said it. She actually said she was a little surprised, but she said she could was actually relieved cause she had started to feel like i was really lonely these past few years and she didn't know why.

I still think she was a little stunned by the time we got off but she definitely was supportive and gave me her opinion on how best to approach the others on my "list". She also laughed at me for having a list (but I stand by it!).

I'm definitely relieved to have finally done one after talking about it so long, but now about 2 hours later, it's kind of hitting me... this isn't some bell that can be unrung if I decide I'm scared of living in the open two weeks from now. This is it.

I really hope they all go this well...

Maybe tomorrow...

So I just got off an hour-long video chat with my sister; she was in some crazy loud internet cafe, and we kept talking about her travels and schoolwork, and there were times when I just wanted to blurt out "ok, I'm gay" but it never felt right. The thing is, I'm pretty sure I want her to be the first person I tell, and my friend is visiting this weekend so it's got to be before then. I am going to talk to her again on Thursday, so I guess that's going to have to be it.

As for when my friend is here, I haven't decided if I'm going to do it like right when he gets here, or wait til near the end. I just dunno if it's going to make the whole weekend awkward.

Finally, I really think this whole thing is stressing me out way more than I realized or like to admit. Today at work I just snapped at a co-worker about a minor thing, and it was totally not me. I think this whole situation has me just on edge... I hope it's not like this for the whole process...

The coming out list

So the coming out priority list has kind of been forming in my head, so I'll start putting them down. I have noticed a lot of bloggers keep it pretty anonymous, so I'll try to keep it that way for now too.

I guess when I visualize my coming out experiences to the other ones I've read about on blogs, the differences arise because like I keep saying, I'm kind of old for this shit.

The obvious benefits are that I no longer live on a gossipy high school or college campus, and my friends are all mature, so I have less fear of this news spreading like wildfire and people gossiping about me; even if they do, fuck it. I live alone, and don't have to see people if they're assholes about it.

The downsides are that in the 10 extra years, my friend network is incredibly disparate, and friends that I made in the city have scattered to all corners of the globe. I don't really see a ton of friends in large group settings outside of birthday parties anymore, and even if I did, I doubt that's the best way to do things.

So right now my list is something like this:


My Sister
So I think I will be coming out to my Sister first, despite the international distance. I'll either have to do it on the phone or via a scheduled video chat, which we do regularly. Sometimes she's able to get on at home, but usually she is at a public internet cafe which is just not gonna work. Bleh.

Guy Friend #1
So probably my closest friend growing up in California is visiting this weekend. I just feel like it's time to tell him.

Female Friend #1
This is my closest friend in NYC. Can you believe I had a hag before I was officially a fag? Man this coming out is so long overdue... The one awkward snag here is I'm pretty sure she's always been attracted to me, and I've always just feigned obliviousness. Oh well, maybe this will be a relief to her.

Female Friend #2
So this is a very close female friend of mine who used to live in NYC but has since moved to SF. She is high on my coming out list because at one point in NYC she did point-blank ask me why I was still single, and if I was gay (she is blunt like that), and I lied to her face. I always felt guilty about that. I just hope she doesn't gloat...

Guy Friend #2
So this is my college roommate. We're still tight, but he is slightly homophobic (for example, he's probably the only person my age who still uses "gay" as a pejorative). This one won't be fun.

Guy Friend #3
Bleh this is already getting confusing. Maybe I'll make up aliases for these people...

This is the guy mentioned before that I used to jerk off with in 9th grade. He came out in college, so obviously I think he'll be accepting of the whole thing, and probably has some tips. He lives in Europe now, though, so I dunno how this is gonna work out.

Friend Couple #1
So after college I lived with a guy from college; we were just good friends from taking the same classes and all, and we lived in a 2BR for a while. Now he's been dating a girl for about a year, and we all hang out a lot.

Friend Couple #2
The other couple is the one I hang out with in my neighborhood because they live super close, and they also like to go have nice food out pretty often. They're getting married later this year though, so even scheduling a dinner with them will be tough.

My Parents
So my parents are visiting the city in 3 weeks I think. I'm hoping to have everyone above this line by then.

Is this too aggressive? Not aggressive enough? Too thought out? I figure after there's a certain critical mass of people, the gossip network will do the rest for me. I just want to make sure that key people in my life hear it from me instead of a rumor mill.

Making a list?

So I didn't put this in the other post cause it's unrelated, but I'm thinking of jumpstarting the coming out schedule.

First of all, one of my best friends from when I was growing up is visiting NYC this weekend. I really think he's one of the first people I'd want to tell.

Second, my parents are visiting in a few weeks, and I kind of feel like I want to tell my sister before them; I'm close to my sister, and it's kind of odd but I feel like I want to make sure I get to tell her and she doesn't hear it secondhand from somewhere else. The problem is my sister is out of the country right now. I guess my question is, should I come out to her on Skype? The alternative is to wait til I go visit her in April, but right now that seems like an eternity away...

I kind of just want to start getting it over with, yknow?

Do other people make prioritized lists for who they're coming out to, or am I just that weird?