Who's on your list?

So other than the wedding, I spent most of my time in India traveling with my old roommate and his girlfriend of two years. We somehow got on the subject of movies that were bad, and he made fun of her for liking The Proposal and I innocently chimed in that I would watch it just for the scenes with Ryan Reynolds naked. My ex-roommate paused and turned to me and said "You like him? What is it about him?"

Apparently, I had stepped in a couple-minefield of theirs, which is their "lists". I have no idea why straight couples do this, but I guess that episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel have their list of exceptionally fuckable celebrities is true in real life. So, Ryan Reynolds is on his girlfriend's list and he's jealous. Still I realized I never really think about it that often and I don't know if I have a list, but I figured I'd try to put one together. This is unordered, and completely superficial. Personality doesn't matter unless it's Christian Bale, who is too psycho to consider fucking.

• Ryan Reynolds
  
  So I know I said personalities don't matter, but in this case they kinda do. Ryan Reynolds was already pretty cute in his comedian days, and then he decided to graft his funnyman head onto a super-ripped body for some crappy action movie and blew up into superstardom and my better wet dreams.


• Jason Statham
  
  So I'm pretty sure I've already posted this exact picture here, but that's cause it's one of the hotter pictures that's ever existed ever. Jason Statham actually started out as a fashion model before moving into movies, and that's cause he's hot and built like a tank.


• Takeshi Kaneshiro
  
  So I surprised my friend's girlfriend with this one. She blurted out "I thought you weren't into Asian guys." I was like, "Uh, why would you think that?" She mumbled something lame about, "Oh, all my gay Asian friends aren't into other Asian guys." I would have been offended by her weird generalization, but this was pretty late in our trip, and I had kind of gotten used to her saying provocative things to get a reaction out of them, so I just told her I was too narcissistic to not like other Asian guys. Like I've said before, I don't know if I really dated enough to have a real type... I kinda tasted the rainbow while I was dating.
  Anyway, Takeshi Kaneshiro is sweet hotness on toast.


• Patrick Wilson
  
  I would have been on the fence about this one last year, but Watchmen sealed his geek credibility for me, so I'd totally do Patrick Wilson. He's a little bit too-all-american for my tastes, but I'll make an exception. Just this once.


• Gabriel Garcia Bernal
  
  This one comes with a bullet. There are some movies/stills where I'm not into him at all, and then there are some where he is stunning. Eh, but what am I saying, I'd do him even if he had a reverse mohawk and was covered in rat droppings.
  

So that's my list right now, but I'm probably forgetting a few. Sure there are plenty of hot celebrities out there, but the list is for people who make your breath just stop when you see them. Also, in the discussion with my friend's gf, she mentioned a lot of celebrities that I think are like "women-only". Like, I just don't think they have any gay appeal. These are like Colin Firth types. I can see how they're objectively good looking, but they just don't strike that chord there.

Shallowest post ever? Nah, check the archives.

Do you share your porn?

Do you share your porn collection with your significant other/boyfriend? Do you share your porn collection with anyone?

I kind of think it would be hot to watch porn with my bf, but then again... LIST OF ANXIETIES! GO:

1. having just come out this year, it's also something that I kept such an intensely guarded secret, I think it would make me anxious having someone else looking at my collection.
2. I also wonder if my porn collection reveals any subconscious biases... For example I don't have a lot of Asian representation, but part of that is kind of that there's not a lot of Asians in porn to begin with.
3. I would also worry that he would infer things about my preferences based on the movies and the guys in them. I think the worst thing would be if he felt like I was more turned on by the guys in the porn than him.
4. The truth is, I haven't been watching that much porn since I came out really; I haven't really needed it like I used to... but I still download some of the vids from my old favorite sites, almost like keeping up with and old friend, lol. I'd also hate for my bf to think that I've needed them to jerk off with these past 3 months, cause I've probably only jerked off like... twice in the past 3 months. (On a digression, I have no guilt about jerking off in a relationship or anything lol, I just haven't really needed it or felt like it). Augh TMI again?

At some level I think it would be funny/hot, but like everything... I freak out thinking about this kind of stuff. And I can't pass up the opportunity to make another list.

The coming out list

So the coming out priority list has kind of been forming in my head, so I'll start putting them down. I have noticed a lot of bloggers keep it pretty anonymous, so I'll try to keep it that way for now too.

I guess when I visualize my coming out experiences to the other ones I've read about on blogs, the differences arise because like I keep saying, I'm kind of old for this shit.

The obvious benefits are that I no longer live on a gossipy high school or college campus, and my friends are all mature, so I have less fear of this news spreading like wildfire and people gossiping about me; even if they do, fuck it. I live alone, and don't have to see people if they're assholes about it.

The downsides are that in the 10 extra years, my friend network is incredibly disparate, and friends that I made in the city have scattered to all corners of the globe. I don't really see a ton of friends in large group settings outside of birthday parties anymore, and even if I did, I doubt that's the best way to do things.

So right now my list is something like this:


My Sister
So I think I will be coming out to my Sister first, despite the international distance. I'll either have to do it on the phone or via a scheduled video chat, which we do regularly. Sometimes she's able to get on at home, but usually she is at a public internet cafe which is just not gonna work. Bleh.

Guy Friend #1
So probably my closest friend growing up in California is visiting this weekend. I just feel like it's time to tell him.

Female Friend #1
This is my closest friend in NYC. Can you believe I had a hag before I was officially a fag? Man this coming out is so long overdue... The one awkward snag here is I'm pretty sure she's always been attracted to me, and I've always just feigned obliviousness. Oh well, maybe this will be a relief to her.

Female Friend #2
So this is a very close female friend of mine who used to live in NYC but has since moved to SF. She is high on my coming out list because at one point in NYC she did point-blank ask me why I was still single, and if I was gay (she is blunt like that), and I lied to her face. I always felt guilty about that. I just hope she doesn't gloat...

Guy Friend #2
So this is my college roommate. We're still tight, but he is slightly homophobic (for example, he's probably the only person my age who still uses "gay" as a pejorative). This one won't be fun.

Guy Friend #3
Bleh this is already getting confusing. Maybe I'll make up aliases for these people...

This is the guy mentioned before that I used to jerk off with in 9th grade. He came out in college, so obviously I think he'll be accepting of the whole thing, and probably has some tips. He lives in Europe now, though, so I dunno how this is gonna work out.

Friend Couple #1
So after college I lived with a guy from college; we were just good friends from taking the same classes and all, and we lived in a 2BR for a while. Now he's been dating a girl for about a year, and we all hang out a lot.

Friend Couple #2
The other couple is the one I hang out with in my neighborhood because they live super close, and they also like to go have nice food out pretty often. They're getting married later this year though, so even scheduling a dinner with them will be tough.

My Parents
So my parents are visiting the city in 3 weeks I think. I'm hoping to have everyone above this line by then.

Is this too aggressive? Not aggressive enough? Too thought out? I figure after there's a certain critical mass of people, the gossip network will do the rest for me. I just want to make sure that key people in my life hear it from me instead of a rumor mill.

Making a list?

So I didn't put this in the other post cause it's unrelated, but I'm thinking of jumpstarting the coming out schedule.

First of all, one of my best friends from when I was growing up is visiting NYC this weekend. I really think he's one of the first people I'd want to tell.

Second, my parents are visiting in a few weeks, and I kind of feel like I want to tell my sister before them; I'm close to my sister, and it's kind of odd but I feel like I want to make sure I get to tell her and she doesn't hear it secondhand from somewhere else. The problem is my sister is out of the country right now. I guess my question is, should I come out to her on Skype? The alternative is to wait til I go visit her in April, but right now that seems like an eternity away...

I kind of just want to start getting it over with, yknow?

Do other people make prioritized lists for who they're coming out to, or am I just that weird?

Resources

There are a ton of great resources online for people coming out.  There are apparently a billion coming out blogs out there, I've noted a few that rang really true to my own experiences and I am now following them.  Looking at all the other coming out blogs, I wonder if I have to start putting porny pictures all over the place to fit in.  Well, I'll leave that for later.

I also found a step-by-step list here.  The steps I find relevant are are:

1. Create a personal inventory when coming out. "Take a personal inventory of your life. Write down any anger, resentments, fears and guilt that you may have about your existing life. Don't forget the positive characteristics that also make you who you are today. Once you've done that, list your life goals, priorities and the things that make you happy (getting married, having children, being single, enjoying nature, art, dancing, etc.). What you are identifying is what kind of gay person you want to be." Hmm ok, I guess that's what the blog is for. I guess I'll get to that in the next post. Am I taking this too literally? Oh well, it's something to do.
2. Know that you are not alone. Basically. start networking. I guess that's what the blog is for too to some extent, also I've started posting on some online forums, and it is really comforting to find that my experiences are not unique.
3. Tell family and friends you're gay when you're ready.  Ho boy.  This is the big tamale, right?  There are times when I feel like I'll never have the cojones to do this, and there are other times where I feel like it won't be a big deal.  I'm 29 and single, I'm pretty sure my parents and friends already suspect; there are times where I'm sure it will be a big relief to them.  Eh, I go back and forth on this one.  I know there are some unique challenges I face as someone coming out so late in life, but at the same time, I am financially independent now and I live alone, if it turns out my parents aren't so great with my new lifestyle, I can just say fuck 'em, right?
   
4. Learn about gay love, relationships and sex. Oh wait, maybe this is the big tamale. As sure as I am that I'm gay, my relationship and sex experience with guys is close to zero. Umm, ok I think that's as much as I'm willing to share on the internet at this point.
   

Man do I love lists. I may just make it through this thing after all.