Strippers!

Letopho posted about his New York trip, and accused me of being "well-adjusted"! That was a first, I think. Despite my well-adjustedness, I still feel like a bit of a gay noob sometimes, and it leads to odd etiquette questions like, is it weird to go to a strip club with your boyfriend?

Miss Manners was not able to answer my question before this past Sunday, where after a rooftop dinner shared with our friend, with much wine, and other intoxicants, we decided it would be a good idea to check out a strip club. As you can infer from the types of places I dragged Letopho to on his New York tour, despite being generally a good girl, I have a weakness for the really seedy gay bars, go-go boys and the like, but I had never been to a gay male strip club! I have actually been to most straight strip clubs in the city, both from my awkward closeted days, but even afterwards, for friends' birthday parties, bachelor parties, and even a pretty well respected steakhouse/strip club here in New York that was quite an odd experience. I have not had occassion to go to a gay strip club, mostly because there aren't any. There are some venues that do individual nights as a male cabaret, but they're not on odd days, and I had never had the opportunity to check them out. In either case, I figured it was time to lose my gay strip club cherry and check out Le Boyz. I found this flyer here:

And we headed over. Now a few things to note about our experience at this particular club. First things first- everything on that flyer is pretty much a lie. When we got to the door, they were trying to charge us cover, but I showed them the flyer that says "Free Admission". This caused a ridiculous commotion and they had to call 2 people at the door before they grudgingly let us in, and we found that the place was pretty empty, at about 11pm. I don't know if we were too early or too late or whatever, but there were only about 4 strippers in the whole place, of varying quality. The second lie is that the strippers were pretty much nothing like the guys on that flyer, but that's probably pretty common.
As our eyes adjusted to the dim basement, we found that it was not at all like the strip club experience I was expecting. There was no stage show or anything, and it was really just strippers in their underwear walking up to you and aggressively propositioning you for a lapdance, often pulling down their underwear to flash a seemingly unending schlong. These "lapdances" occurred in the corner but in plain sight of the whole room and from where I saw looked less like what I was expecting, and more like grinding their crotch into your face. I definitely got the feeling that this situation could have escalated to more for more money, but it felt really... uncomfortable. It's not JUST because I was there with my boyfriend, but also just it wasn't what I was expecting. I would have liked a stage where I could stuff dollars in a guy's g-string, or maybe a more artistic lapdance, where you're not allowed or expected to grope and lick the dancers.
In either case, despite our initial uncomfortability, we got a little more relaxed when more people showed up, and just like us, for the most part, they just ignored the dancers and treated the place as a normal gay club. We spotted what we believed to be a drag house meeting, where they were all trading some sick moves, and we did our own dancing by the bar and it ended up being a lot of fun, just the three of us.
I wouldn't go back for the Le Boyz event though. Just wasn't a fan of the set up, the door attitude, or the massive hangover on Monday morning...

Under Pressure

So imagine the pressure a couple feels to get married after being together about 2 years, from friends, family, etc. Now imagine all that pressure, condensed into the span of about 48 hours, and you have my weekend pretty much. Not complaining! It's a good problem to have!

I hope everyone had an amazing pride!

California Gurls

WeHo

On my last trip to california, I got to hang out in LA for a few days, and I met up with prolific gay asian blogger letopho! We took two pics together, and though I thought the one above looked better, I'm including the second one:

because you can see the gogo boy's crack, and it looks like there's some strange going down in the photobooth.

Weddings

I also met up with a friend who moved from NY to LA with his bf of 10 years, and they are one of those couples just waiting for gay marriage to be legalized in California now. For their sake I hope it's soon. We ended up talking a lot about gay marriage conventions, which were all new to me since I have never been to one. Topics were things like:

• He said both grooms are supposed to wear white? That sounds awful.
• I asked, who do you dance with? Your mom or your dad?
• Do you have groomsmen or bridesmaids or both?

Obviously the answer is "whatever you want", but it's fun to talk about.

Neither of us had been to a gay wedding, but our friend had been to a lesbian wedding and said they retained most of the traditional elements, except for things like a bouquet toss.

Also, on a somewhat related note, a female friend of mine has asked me to be a "bridesman" at a wedding next year. Is that a thing? Oh well I'll let you know how that goes.

Ghey

So one thing that kind of shocked me in California, and maybe this is just a weird sampling, but I heard 3 grown adults, completely educated, and otherwise non-homophobic people say "That's gay" in conversation. I really can't remember the last time that I heard anyone over college-age in NYC say that. Is that actually ok to say in California, or maybe are people in NY just better at censoring themselves around me?

In one case, a girl said it, and immediately corrected herself awkwardly, unfortunately with "I mean, retarded". /facepalm.

In another case, my friend's ex said it, and she immediately challenged him on it (which I'm glad she did, because it would have been awkward if I had done it, as I barely knew him and he was giving us rides all over town), and he got a little defensive about it.

I'm not super-soapboxy about it, but I more surprised to hear it at all, more than anything else.

Holidays and Charity

So the past two weeks were a blast. My friends cooked a big Chinese New Year feast last week and it was amazing. I won a hundred bucks in my superbowl pool. My sister came to town and I finally saw Wicked. And I probably had about the best valentine's day ever.

So things are going pretty good for me personally. It's also the time of year that my company does charity matching, and since everything's so good for me, I really want to give something back and donate to a charity that is important. I have already donated to a few causes this year. Haiti, a lymphoma society that my friends are running a triathalon for. However, for this, since it's matched and ostensibly from my company, I kind of feel like I should donate to a high profile LGBT advocacy group. I don't really know many. The only ones I know of are GLAAD and Marriage Equality USA. Between the two, I'm kind of inclined to go with Marriage Equality, but are there any other high profile, worthwhile gay advocacy groups I should consider?

Updates on gayness

So having my Mom and her sisters staying at my place hasn't been that bad actually. They're so busy doing touristy things that they're not really nagging me about stuff, and it is nice to have them around.

---

So I know I'm officially the last gay man on the planet to have seen this, but I really love the Miley Cyrus Fire Island video. It is like an advertisement for gay.

Sleeping in fail!

OK. I'm having an amazing weekend, but it was slightly marred by the fact that I forgot to turn off my work alarm that goes off M-F so I woke up at 8 today. Chris was able to get back to sleep and I felt bad keeping him up by fidgeting in bed, so I decided to go to the bakery and get some stuff for breakfast. Only I got here and they open 2 hours later for labor day I guess...

So to recap the weekend... Chris slept over Friday and we didn't do much- we just played some video games. On Saturday we met up with some friends for brunch which somehow got turned into a whole day of drinking on my steps and then margaritas and then dinner. I also went to the Barney's sale and bought a really cute blue striped Hugo Boss suit for $450! I have like 3 more weddings to attend this year so I figured a new suit was in order.

Sunday was the beach day! I had never gone to Sandy Hook but it was definitely the nicest beach near NYC that I've been too. The ferry to get there is only 45 mins, but it is a little pricey at 40 bucks round trip per person. We brought our own beer, wine, and sandwiches, and we met up with my super good friends who were celebrating their 1 year anniversary that day! Chris and I had been joking all weekend about whether or not we'd actually take off our clothes, but honestly I never thought in a million years I'd do it. So when we got there, and I realized it wasn't all creepy old men (and there were actually some HOT guys), I just decided to go for it, and Chris and our friends eventually followed suit... or... lack therof. It was really funny at first, both the weird sensation of being totally naked on a windy beach, as well as the panorama of naked bodies of all shapes and sizes, but the novelty wore off and it just became comfortable. Toward the end of the day, we realized that the people wearing the suits actually stood out more than the nudes. SO MUCH FUN. We're definitely going back the first weekend of next summer! Here's the only photo of me I feel comfortable posting, heh. Feel free to be distracted by my beautiful friends in the background.

We got back and between all the alcohol and the exertion of swimming in the ocean and all the sun, we just passed the fuck out. I managed to rally to meet some friends for drinks that were visiting from out of town, but only for like a beer, and then we headed back home.

OK I'm dumb, I just realized that this bakery is closed for labor day. Bah. Uhh, here's another oversharing picture. Yup! That's Chris!

Steve MacIssac

Not the normal fare of this blog but a friend tipped me off to the artwork of Steve MacIssac and I thought I'd share it.

I love the strong line work, but I also like how he draws all different sorts of guys and body types, and combines strong visual storytelling techniques with minimalist dialogue, and sometimes just strong graphic layout to get a message across.

First Relationship Insanity...

So in a lot of ways my relationship with Chris is my first one ever. Everything's going really good, but there are still some things that I'm a total noob about and I am just dealing with as they come up. So, post warning: this is where I use my blog as a platform to blurt out all the weird neurotic things that have been bouncing around in my head the past month or so.

First of all, I had a billion friends over these past two weeks now that the weather in NYC is getting good. My tiny studio apartment basically became a hostel for anyone I went to elementary school with. The last weekend I had 3 other dudes sleeping in my apartment, and not in the way that would normally get me complimentary blog comments. Still, I managed to hang out with Chris here and there, but not as much and not as 1-on-1 as the previous two weekends, and it was pretty good. My friends all love him, which is nice.

But here are all the things that are lurking in my mind, basically because I'm a 29 year old in the first real, honest relationship I've ever been in, and that is supposed to happen when you're 17.

• I'm trying to find a good balance between hanging out a lot, and monopolizing his time. He works really late, and I sometimes get pouty when he doesn't come over and I feel really needy at times like that and I hope I do a good job of keeping that to myself. He cancelled on Monday drinks with me and a lot of my friends because of work stuff, which I was kinda bummed about because a ton of my friends were there and wanted to meet him... but he had hung out with me and other friends like, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, and the Monday thing was pretty last minute, so I really don't blame him for it. I just don't really know what to do with that vaguely disappointed feeling I got there.
• To make up for it, on Wednesday, which was the last night one of my guests was in town, he picked up the check at our "going away" dinner for her, which was us two, my guest, and our mutual friend. This was at The Standard Grill in the meatpacking district, which isn't like SUPER expensive, but it definitely isn't cheap. I was kind of stunned awkward at the gesture, and I think I made some sort of awkward joke to my friends about working it off in trade later that night. It was incredibly sweet, but again I'm retarded with that kind of thing. Still, not as awkward as I'm making it sound, and I've definitely picked up the tab sometimes when it was just the two of us but still. It was very sweet and I'm overanalyzing it I know.
• So I actually bought these two t-shirts for the The Big Gay Ice Cream Truck which is awesome, and if you wear the shirts you get a discount or something, and I couldn't decide whether to get the truck or the cone (as my friend put it, one implies "lick me", one implies "ride me"), and they're both cute so I just bought both on a whim and figured I'd give one to Chris (we're the same size). Then after I got them it struck me that I had not only just bought him a gift, but that they were MATCHING shirts, and so because I'm a freak they have been sitting on my shelf in the fedex envelope I got them in. Last time Chris was here he even asked curiously what was in the envelope and I think I said it was a gift for my nephew. I'm weird, I know...
• Unrelated to him, I think it's the first article of clothing I've bought that declares my homosexuality. I mean, I own pink t-shirts, tight jeans, and a white belt, so it's not like I'm trying to dress straight, but it just struck me that this is the most out item I own. Shirt's pretty awesome though, right?
• The PDA thing- I think the first time we met up with Chris's friends on the street one time and they kissed hello and I kind of balked at kissing Chris in public I felt a little weird. I know it is paranoid, especially in Chelsea, but you never know who's looking and judging and I know that sounds retarded. I've definitely gotten more comfortable with it- after Pride especially. Last weekend when we were out with all my friends at a straight bar (The Bowery Electric, though, so not a totally straight bar I guess) I kissed him on the dance floor... and then I did the "Womanizer" dance on him... there were a lot of tequila shots involved. I do worry I'm a little too makeout-y now heh (not cause of the gay thing, but just cause of the general couple thing... I always feel my straight couple friends are very cool about not making out in front of others in a big crowd and I should do the same?).

Well... I guess that was a big ball of crazy. I mean, if that's all I have to complain about here on my blog I guess things are going pretty good. I'm helping Chris move apartments tomorrow (his old landlord was a dick trying to raise his rent in this economy), and I'm meeting him for pizza tonight and helping him pack. Still training for the half-marathon-- although missing 2 long runs cause of tourist visitors these past two weeks and probably missing one this weekend cause of Chris moving has made me consider dropping it.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Update...

OK... I'm a bad blogger. I come out, my life becomes pretty awesome, and I get too busy meeting cute boys to write stuff down here. I still have been following all the great blogs that I started reading when I was deciding to come out though, and I read this post from Doug and it just broke my heart because I was so there. It just reminded me why I wanted to start this blog in the first place- not just that I wanted to have a journal of my experiences, but that I felt like I had received so much strength from the online community, and that simply reading about other people going through the same thing as me back in January helped me get through a really rough time in my life. If writing stuff down here can help anyone else, then I kind of feel maybe I'm paying it forward.

So... where to start... since the last time I posted a billion things have happened, almost all of them incredibly amazing and postiive.

1) Coming out: Since I last posted, I've pretty much come out to all my close friends in all my social circles, the cousins I am close to, and my immediate co-workers. Everyone has been amazingly supportive, some have been not-so-surprised (my one friend said that she suspected it because I hadn't gotten laid in 3 years and I never complained about it), but what surprised me is how people open up to me after I come out to them. It even happens with completely unrelated topics- I think it's just that when I was in the closet people could feel this blocked off energy from me, and after I opened up to them, they opened up to me about their personal lives and everything. I have started to network in the gay community, and I have some awesome gay and lesbian friends now that I just have so much fun with when I go out. I have lived in New York for 11 years, and suddenly the whole city is new to me again. It's pretty fun.

2) The parents: Umm, I already just typed this story up as a comment on doug's post, so I think I'll just paste it here as a quote. Wall of text go:

Doug, I read your post and it just rang like a crystal bell in my head. I read about your nightmare and I just had chills down my spine because I was totally there too. I'm also Chinese, originally from California, with religious parents/family. I identified myself as gay around 14 or so, and I just put it away in a box and decided it was something I could never have. I actually just came out and started dating men in February (at the age of 29), and I came out to my parents in March, so it was all very sudden. And honestly, I'm not gonna lie, coming out to the conservative Chinese parents was pretty awful.

First of all, they were visiting me (I live in New York now), and of course they had to stay in my apartment even though I live in a tiny studio, and cook in my tiny kitchen because that's what my Mom has to do. They were staying with me for 4 days and I decided I was going to come out to them in person so it had to be then. I came out to them on the second day, and they became just stereotypes. My Dad just decided he suddenly had to take some unrelated business phone calls and just tried not to deal with the situation. My Mom just stared at the wall and started crying. This was pretty much the whole first night. The second night, my Mom started asking me the really weird questions, like if I was molested as a child, or if this was because she was a working mother when I was growing up. On the third day, I decided I had indulged her hand-wringing and "why-me" questions, so I told her - "You can analyze my childhood and wonder what you did wrong as much as you want, but let's just be clear here-- what you're doing there is wishing that you had a different son. I'm what I am, and that's pretty much it." She was kind of sullen for the rest of the time, but my Dad actually surprised me and started saying the right things about how he wanted me to be happy and he wanted to be a part of our lives. My Mom and I were strained for a while after.

The really good part of the story comes last Sunday actually; my Mom just called me out of the blue to talk (we hadn't really spoken much since they were here) and she wanted to know how I was doing, if I was dating, etc. She said she wanted me to be happy, and then (and I quote) "and we want to make sure you're being safe in your dealings." I know it sounds horrible and mildly homophobic, but in the context it was really sweet. And also, I'm trying to convince my circle of friends to start using "dealings" as a euphemism for rough gay sex. (Usage: "I got dealt last night"). I'll let you know how that goes.

And I can't stress enough how important the support network is going into the coming out. If you have family members that you're out to before, like siblings or close cousins, having them to talk to before and after to temper the parental craziness is important. I had my brother and sister on speed dial during the whole thing, and they were awesome.

Anyway, sorry for the monster comment. I just wanted to let you know that the Chinese parent thing can go both ways. Of course they have had our lives planned out since we were 8 years old, and make dramatic proclamations whenever we veer from the path, but they do it because that's how they think it's the best way to show they care about you. When you do decide to come out to them, make sure you give them their space, but make it clear that it is not a negotiation and that it's something you are comfortable with. When you're coming out to them, it's because you love them and you want to share your life with them, and they will accept you for that

I am going back to Cali in May and that's going to be the first time I see them in person since they were here in New York, but I'm kind of thinking the worst is behind me. Like Doug, I used to have straight up panic attacks in the middle of the day, where a rush of images would come to my head and I would imagine my family and friends finding out about me, and there are days where it made me just want to double over and collapse. I don't have days like that anymore.

I've talked to a lot of my new gay friends about this, and honestly, no one has the "Lifetime Movie" coming out story where their parents are amazing and supportive. It's almost universal that your parents are going to disappoint you a little in this space, and that's just cause they're from a different generation and culture, and because they have such specific plans for their kids that suddenly change. I'm starting to have faith that my parents are coming around though, and I think they are going to be happy for me. I may hold off on the PFLAG t-shirts for a bit though...

3) The Sex... So... since the last time I posted, I've gotten around to meeting a lot of cute boys in bars and after 15 years or so of oppressed sexuality, I've definitely unleashed it in a pretty rapid way. Man, I have no idea how to type this without sounding like some big whore. Basically, in the urbandictionary vernacular I laid out in my blog comment, I've dealt, I've been dealt to, I've tried it all. It's been fun. I've been safe of course, and I'm kind of picky, but it has been so much fun :D. I don't know if I'm ready to go and type out every vein and detail, but maybe another time...

4) The Relationship... So, this is the hard part. On every dating site and "dating" site, they ask you what you're looking for and I have to think that if they're honest, pretty much everyone is looking for the same thing. It always bothered me when people said they're "looking for an LTR". I mean, an LTR is just an R that has lasted an LT. I think I would say that I am looking to meet guys to date, and that if I meet someone I really connect with, of course I'm going to continue dating them. Right? I definitely am a pretty monogamous guy though- I know I'm the exception here, but I just don't think I can be one of those people in an open relationship. I'm totally fine right now meeting guys and having sex without commitments, but when I do meet the right guy and we start dating, I'm not going to want to fuck other guys, and I'm thinking the right guy for me will feel the same. OK, so I've laid out my simple definition of a relationship prospect, and it took longer than I thought but oh well.

Well anyway, I kind of met my first relationship prospect on Thursday, but I probably messed it up. I was out with my super gay bestie Alex, who is teaching me how to vogue (!) and we were at this bar that has a gay night on Thursdays (Aspen). It was getting really fun around midnight, there were a lot of cute guys, and there were 2 for 1 drink specials. Anyway I'm getting us a round and walking them back to our table when a guy gives me the look, and I kind of smile back at him as I'm walking by and he tracks me a little with his head. He has great eyes and something about that look just made me happy. So, I bring our drinks and I talk to Alex and he tells me I should just go talk to that guy (and Alex also wants to meet his cute friend hah). I go over and kind of nudge his chair with my foot and when he turns around I introduce myself (I know, I know, I'm like a high school girl at a dance). Anyway, we get to talking for a while, and he's really funny and cute, and I'm a little drunk, and suddenly I grab his head and we start making out on the dance floor for a while. He makes it a point to say that he's looking for a relationship and not a hookup, and that's when I actually start considering it. I hadn't really been in "relationship looking" mode this whole time, but this is really the kind of guy I would want to date. I am a little embarrassed now that I have been sticking my tongue down this stranger's throat (BY THE WAY HE WAS A REAAALLY GOOD KISSER), but it is still fun. He give me his number and we say good night.

The next morning I woke up still smelling like his cologne. Why is that SO HOT? Anyway, I had to confer with my gay oracles and straight girl friends to decide how I was going to ask him out, and I was actually walking on air the whole morning (it didn't hurt that Friday here was absolutely gorgeous weather). It was kind of like I'd never felt before. I met up with one of my best girlfriends for lunch and we basically decided I should be direct and just text him and tell him it was nice to meet him and ask him out for Saturday Night. I was sitting there with my finger on the send button, and I realized that I wasn't going to feel the euphoria anymore as soon as I hit send. It was kind of sad, but I think I indulged myself long enough to take it in. Anyway I sent the message, and then I agonized for the next few hours- he finally got back to me after work hours, and he said it was nice to meet me too but he couldn't hang out this weekend cause he was busy with friends in town (AND HERE'S THE STUPID PART: I KNEW THIS. I MET HIS FRIENDS AT THE BAR AND THEY WERE VISITING AND I KNEW THIS). But what bummed me out is he didn't suggest a follow-up. If he was really into me, I think he would have said something to the effect of making plans in the future. I still replied that he should have a good weekend and that he should text me next time he's free, but I think it's probably over. I blew it, but I learned a lot (and I made out with a cute guy in a bar, I really am not complaining that much).

And the good thing is that last night I met another cute guy (a friend of a friend), and I think he may be into me. I'm kind of going to take this slow and let him make the first move... and maybe I'll wait til an actual date to stick my tongue down his throat. Maybe.

5) This is kind of unrelated, but I love Yoga! I think I never went before cause I thought it would sound too gay and blow my cover, but I've gone like 3 times and it's awesome (and lets be honest, it features hot guys in sleeveless shirts bending over). It's like an intense workout that makes you sweat and works your muscles, but when you're done with it, your spine is perfectly aligned and you feel like you've gotten a deep tissue massage and taken a nap. It's crazy good. I'm about to go to another yoga class in like 2 hours.


So, that's my super-omni update if anyone is even still following. Sorry I have been such a bad blogger, but my life has been a crazy whirlwind lately. Thanks for reminding me why I started this though, Doug, and best of luck in everything. I'm gonna try to post more regularly now, although now that I'm pretty much out, I think I'm just another gay guy on the internet heh... Maybe I should change the name of the blog.

Turn your head and cough... it's time for sex history.

So PlanetX asked me asked me about my past gay experiences, and the answer is almost none.

Guys
So I mean, as far back as I can remember, I was always more interested in looking at naked guys than naked girls. As a computer saavy kid, it was easy to find sites catering to gay men, and I was fascinated with every aspect. I would spend hours reading gay stories from newsgroups (some very good and some very, very bad).

I guess the one homosexual experience I had growing up was this one time I brought playboys to a friends house when I was sleeping over, and we jerked off together. I'd never seen another guy's dick in real life. At one point, he turned to me and asked if we should try giving each other blow jobs, and I was kind of stunned. First of all, the guy was one of my really good friends growing up, and second, I knew I wasn't attracted to him. So I just played it cool and told him I didn't wanna try it, and we just jerked off. The funny thing is, that guy came out in college, and though he had a pretty dramatic disowning by his really religious parents, they've since patched things up and he's doing really well.

Beyond that, I just tried to keep my head low. I had a few crushes on guys in high school, but I never really let myself pursue them, as I was terrified of being discovered. Which brings us to the:

Girls
I suppose the reason this whole thing went on for so long, is that I guess on the Kinsey scale, I'm not a full 6. I'm probably something like a 5, and it took me from the age of 16 to about 26 to realize that 5 was not close enough to 3 for me to be able to sustain it. I basically kept finding myself in situations where aggressive girls hit on me and I didn't have the guts or the decency to turn them down.

I had a steady girlfriend in High School, she basically asked me out a few weeks after I transfered to the new school, and we dated, but we never went further than oral sex. So yes, I ate pussy, and no, it's not that bad. The thing is, the entire time we dated, I made a conscious effort to stop the gay stuff. I deleted all my computer porn and scrubbed the hidden bookmarks file I had with all my gay interest sites. Other than a few moments of weakness, I tried to be a good straight boyfriend. We split up because in the end we just weren't that into each other, for various reasons.

My first sexual relationship with a girl was Freshman year of college, where we met outside a frat party and she complimented my shirt. Like I said, I had trouble turning down aggressive women, particularly in front of friends, so I ended up hooking up with her that night. We fooled around for a few months, and all I remember mostly is that she gave the fucking worst hand jobs in the world. Eventually we progressed to full intercourse, and the whole time I had to think about male torsos I'd seen on the internet to stay hard. We fucked a few more times, and it eventually came out from a mutual friend that she was still seeing her ex-boyfriend back at home; it was almost a relief to have an acceptable reason to dump her.

So for the rest of college and a few years after, I dated girls, but never let it get serious enough to get physical beyond making out and some fooling around. My second sexual experience came when I was actually out of the country for work in Canada. I was put up in a hotel for a week, and somewhere between boredom and loneliness I got picked up at a bar near my hotel and we went back to her place. Of all my sex experiences with girls, this was probably the easiest for me, as there was no pressure if I couldn't perform; I'd never see this girl again. So it wasn't terrible, but again the whole time I had to think of dicks.

The thing about New York is that after a certain time, the fact that I was a reasonably attractive, professionally successful single man with nice shoes did not go unnoticed by my single female friends, and female friends of my coupled friends who were desperate to match everyone up. It really got to the point where I would see a friend of a friend maybe making eyes at me, and I would think to myself "Oh god, am I going to have to fuck her?" I got set up on dates with some really attractive, successful, and great women, and I had to find a way to end dates early without triggering the suspicions of my friends. In retrospect, it is probably one of the meaner things I've done.

My last sexual experience was on my birthday three years ago, when a friend of a friend was in town and came to my party. Pretty much everyone I knew was there, so when this cute girl asked me to dance, I couldn't say no. Eventually we ended up at my place, and between the booze and my complete lack of sexual interest in her at this point, I wasn't even able to stay hard. It was basically a disaster, and my only saving grace is she was too nice to tell our mutual friend about it.

Celibacy
So the last few years I've just avoided emotional and sexual contact at all pretty much. I used the aforementioned tactics to dodge set-ups, all the while denying my homosexuality to the one or two people that asked me about it. I was still consuming gay porn from the internet at a voracious rate, and I was too terrified to list my picture on a profile for gay dating for fear of being discovered. At one point I found myself responding to a craigslist ad for anonymous sex with a guy who was cheating on his girlfriend. When I think back on it now, it was probably one of the most ridiculous and dangerous things I can think of- I gave this complete stranger my address and waited for him to come over. He actually never showed up but I really think it was for the best.

I wonder if I had allowed myself to go down the other path, if I'd have ended up eventually an old Republican Senator, tapping on bathroom stalls. Hey, they gotta start somewhere.

* Oh, I almost forgot, but I have kissed exactly 2 guys in my life. The first was four years ago at a spin the bottle party in Brooklyn. The second was a random guy in Austria.

Last post for the night I think

So I think I've read through like a hundred blogs tonight, and it's so unbelievably comforting to hear other people verbalize the fears and assumptions and all my stupid shit that is flying through my head right now. I have so much I want to put down here and don't even know where to start.

On Having The Revelation
I don't know if everyone has this moment, but I had a moment on my birthday at the end of last year where it hit me that I have to come out, I have to fix my life. The revelation came as a result of a bunch of factors. Cue a list (geez I think I have a list addiction):

First, I'm at that age where my really close friends are all getting married, and it's not about me worried about being lonely so much, as me seeing two people genuinely in love; I think a long part of my delay comes from a deep-seated cynicism that is kind of par for the course in New York. I don't know if I actually believed in love, but I think I'm starting to come around to it...

Second, my Grandmother is really sick; to be honest I think she has only months to live. She had a stroke last year and can't really talk anymore, but I had a moment when I was visiting her in the hospital right after New Year's, and she held my hand and was trying to tell me something. I still don't know what that is, but everything about it was screaming to me that I had to fix my life right then and there.

On Coming Out
So I haven't come out to anyone yet, but there was a moment after Christmas where I almost came out to my Dad. As I mentioned before, after visiting my Grandmother in the hospital, I was completely overcome with emotion. My Dad was driving me back and I completely burst in to tears. I had the strangest sensation that I had to tell him everything right then and there, but I held my tongue. I don't know if this was a complete copout, but I was second guessing myself, and of course I was terrified, but I also didn't want to bypass my grief for my Grandmother by bringing other stuff into the mix. I dunno, it was a strange moment for me.

On Meeting Guys
Well, I always feel shallow when I talk about this kind of stuff, especially after the heavier stuff early in the post, but since I guess my attraction to guys is at the very core of this entire thing, I guess it's relevant.

So my one experience at a gay bar before "The Revelation" was in Austria last year. I was there by myself, and decided for my vacation I'd be true to myself and visit some of the gay bars there. Now, being temporarily out on a vacation is kind of terrifying in dimensions I hadn't even anticipated, the first being the language barrier of course, and the second being general touristy fears of shady characters. Still, I was pretty lucky cause in the very first bar I went to (Village Bar), I found some British and Australian expats who were all totally friendly and cool, and became my impromptu gay guides for the night. We ended up at this terrible club with awful music and horrible lights (it was called "Why Not") and it was honestly the most fun I've had in years. We spent the whole night drinking, making friends, talking to a few guys, and it was just an amazing experience. I have to think this was probably one of the most positive experiences I can attribute toward making my decision, so I guess it's not all just fear and anxiety.

I went to G Lounge in Chelsea on Friday for the first time, even though I've walked by it for years and always been curious. While it was definitely more stressful than my Austria trip, it was still exciting to be putting myself out there finally after obsessing about it for so long. I talked to this really cute guy in line, and I probably sounded completely high because I was so anxious, but he was a good sport about it, and we just shot the shit for a while and talked about other gay bars. Inside the bar, I had this strange feeling that this one guy was checking me out, so I went up to talk to him, and he gave me this attitude-face, so... I guess I was wrong there. Oh well. I was kind of mortified, and pretty drunk at this point, so I was planning on turning tail and getting out of there, but then these two really cute black guys (JJ and Shane? I think were their names) beckoned me over, and we started talking and talking; I didn't mention the whole newly coming out thing cause I wanted to sound kind of worldly, does that make me lame? Anyway, they were in a relationship together, and SUPER YOUNG (I don't think they were actually 21), but they were just awesome people to talk to and it was just great to have a real conversation for once, yknow? I should have probably exchanged e-mails or phone numbers, but oh well.

After that night out I think I'm going to try to be a little more proactive in planning to meet people, both to expand my network of gay friends, and to meet guys. I like computers, so I think I'm gonna be more bold in using tools like twitter and this blog to find places to go. I'm also gonna try one of those online dating sites. I'm kinda nervous about the traditional sites (like, here's my picture and my info, message me if you like me), as I'm not out to my friends yet, and it's just scary to think that that information would be floating out there, but I think I'd be comfortable doing one of those online speed dating sites. Is that crazy? Anyone have any recommendations?

A Billion Questions Unanswered
There's still so much I can't visualize about this process, but the blog is helping, I think.

A Todo List

OK, because I'm completely neurotic, and this is how I function, here is a list of the things I need to do this year, in no particular order.

- Come out to Family
- Come out to Friends
- Come out to old friends (?)
- Expand my network of gay friends in NYC
- Meet guys

Right now, I have no idea how to do any of them, but writing them down somewhere is feeling like it's helping.

I guess I am making some progress on those last two fronts. I am starting to create profiles on popular gay social networks. I'm still kind of unsure of how much info I'm willing to put on there until I come out to my family and friends. God I'm such a chicken shit.

As for meeting guys, I went to a gay bar near me, G-Lounge, on Friday Night. The crowd isn't too old or young, but just about right for me; there are quite a lot of hot guys there. The thing is I just feel completely nervous there. I just have no idea how to do this. God I'm such a chicken shit.

I may try online speed dating. When all else fails, I expect my complete and total faith in technology to save me.

So here's the deal.

I'm a 29 year old man living in Manhattan, and up until recently I tried to convince myself I was straight, down to dating and sleeping with women. I would clandestinely visit gay porn sites and blogs, and deep down I knew I was attracted exclusively to men. I guess I always hoped it was a phase I would grow out of, or that I could hide it forever and have some kind of sham marriage. But I'm gonna turn 30 this year, and life is too fucking short.

Basically, I just came out to myself. I always thought that would be the hard part, but now I have absolutely no idea what to do next.