Saturday, February 14, 2009


So it's 3:30 on Friday night and I just got back from a very cruise-y gay club in New York with some friends. I guess a lot has happened since the last time I posted.

So of course the first thing on my mind these days is coming out. I have started telling my New York friends. For the most part, they have been less surprised than my friends back home and my family, I guess because they see me on a more regular basis, and had noticed my dating dry spell these past few years. It's been pretty rough on my schedule, but I've been pretty much scheduling dinners and brunches with friends wherever I can fit them in.

The rest of my time has been spent exploring the New York gay scene. I have started hanging out with my only gay friend in the city, who has been an absolute godsend. Not only is he giving me valuable advice about dating and sex that I really wouldn't be hearing elsewhere, but he also came out at a late age, and he is very helpful as a sounding board for all the stuff I can't tell everyone else or I'm scared to ask. He also has started showing me around the gay bars and clubs in NYC which has been really fun, even though I've been pretty shy. I went to two bars today, the first was pretty tame, just a bunch of guys in a room, and some friendly banter and glances everywhere. The second was a dark, cruisey bar full of shirtless guys making out. To be honest, I thought it would be scary, but it was pretty exciting. At one point a guy reached down my pants, which I wasn't really ready for, but was also fun in it's own way. I don't know if I'm explaining it right, it wasn't really as seedy as it sounds, but I definitely could have gone home with someone from there if I wanted.

It's not what I'm looking for now, but it's nice to know it's there. Maybe in the future. For now I'm definitely looking for something a little more wholesome...

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

One foot

When I was a kid I had a large hallway closet with a sliding door and a mirror along the entire face of it. If you slid the door open and positioned yourself halfway in the closet, your reflected image would complete the half of your body outside of the closet and you could perform visual tricks like make it look like you were floating. It was a stupid memory, but I remember spending hours with my sister doing this.

Anyway, I'm one foot out of the closet right now. I've told my siblings and two of my really close friends, and I'm just scheduling in more people to tell. It's kind of stressful cause I didn't realize that I'd want it to move this fast, and now I realize that my parents aren't visiting til the end of the month, and it's going to be three weeks of still trying to control this information. I really do want to tell them face to face, but I'm not sure if I can wait that long.

On the networking side... I am having some fun with OkCupid, gotten some replies back from some cute guys, and messaging them back. If anything, it seems like that site may be a little on the too-squeaky-clean end of the spectrum, but it feels pretty safe, and that's good for me right now. GayRomeo seems much more physically oriented, which would be fine, except it also seems really undirected. I am getting messages from escorts in Vegas and married guys in Ghana, which doesn't really seem like it's what I'm looking for right now.

I also went to another gay bar, this one as kind of a singles mixer, but the crowd was way older than I expected, and I still felt awkward so I didn't really stay that long. I am going to hang out with one of my gay friends on Thursday and we're going to go to a bar in Chelsea somewhere, so I'm actually really looking forward to that, if just to be able to start talking about all of this stuff face to face with another gay man.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

The flood

So, two more today, it's starting to feel like this coming out thing is reaching a momentum, which is good, but kind of terrifying. I came out to an old high school friend who is also gay today, and he had some good advice, as well as was just a great sounding board for my weird fears and everything.

I also came out to my brother and his wife, which was also good. I hadn't really been anxious about them because they have always been super supportive, but it was still a little nerve wracking. They also gave me some advice on how they think I should approach the parents, which I'm still not sure about.

Other than that, at the advice of my gay high school friend (who is about my entire gay friend network at this point), I'm going to try signing up for a few of the free gay dating sites with headshots, and see how that goes. Any suggestions on which ones are good? The ones I was looking at were Gaydardate, OkCupid, and GayRomeo, based on the fact that they're all free and seem to be pretty established.

Hoping this isn't a huge disaster.

It's all happening

I came out to my friend yesterday, while hanging around watching tv in my apartment, which seemed like the right time. He was also pretty shocked, but he definitely had one of those "ohhh" moments. Apparently a few months ago his new girlfriend asked him if I was gay, and he had dismissed it, purely on the basis that I would have told him by now. Still, he was totally cool about it, and it was pretty comfortable eventually. I'm really glad I got to come out to him in person first, as he had a lot of the questions I'm anticipating from other people ("weren't you fucking girls before?" is the one that springs to mind).

After that we went out to dinner and some bars and then ended up at a friend's birthday party. At the party, some guy took off all his clothes and was wearing a sock for the rest of the night. He had a really good body, for a hipster. I think this may be a message: I come out, and I'm showered with hot, naked men.


Saturday, February 7, 2009

Hanging with the boys

So last night my friend flew in, and I'm planning on telling him today still. We went out with some of my other straight guy friends in NYC last night. We had cheap food and beer, bought some bad shots, talked so some girls who were definitely not 21 from long island, played credit card roulette, and talked about who ate pussy. While some of these things may not apply to my new life, I am pretty aware that coming out will change my relationship with these guys. I'm not saying they're homophobic or anything, but it will be one less thing we have in common.

I guess I'm just putting this out there cause it is something I will miss a little. I am glad I was able to have one last night of it. This next week coming up is going to be when I tell most of them I think.

So let's all take a shot to my new life. Man do I have a hangover right now.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Step 1

So I did it!

The situations were not quite what I had planned heh, as my sister was at an internet cafe that didn't even have cameras, and she only had 30 minutes before they were closing, so it was a little odd, but I did it! I basically just said "here goes" and I just said it. She actually said she was a little surprised, but she said she could was actually relieved cause she had started to feel like i was really lonely these past few years and she didn't know why.

I still think she was a little stunned by the time we got off but she definitely was supportive and gave me her opinion on how best to approach the others on my "list". She also laughed at me for having a list (but I stand by it!).

I'm definitely relieved to have finally done one after talking about it so long, but now about 2 hours later, it's kind of hitting me... this isn't some bell that can be unrung if I decide I'm scared of living in the open two weeks from now. This is it.

I really hope they all go this well...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Maybe tomorrow...

So I just got off an hour-long video chat with my sister; she was in some crazy loud internet cafe, and we kept talking about her travels and schoolwork, and there were times when I just wanted to blurt out "ok, I'm gay" but it never felt right. The thing is, I'm pretty sure I want her to be the first person I tell, and my friend is visiting this weekend so it's got to be before then. I am going to talk to her again on Thursday, so I guess that's going to have to be it.

As for when my friend is here, I haven't decided if I'm going to do it like right when he gets here, or wait til near the end. I just dunno if it's going to make the whole weekend awkward.

Finally, I really think this whole thing is stressing me out way more than I realized or like to admit. Today at work I just snapped at a co-worker about a minor thing, and it was totally not me. I think this whole situation has me just on edge... I hope it's not like this for the whole process...

The coming out list

So the coming out priority list has kind of been forming in my head, so I'll start putting them down. I have noticed a lot of bloggers keep it pretty anonymous, so I'll try to keep it that way for now too.

I guess when I visualize my coming out experiences to the other ones I've read about on blogs, the differences arise because like I keep saying, I'm kind of old for this shit.

The obvious benefits are that I no longer live on a gossipy high school or college campus, and my friends are all mature, so I have less fear of this news spreading like wildfire and people gossiping about me; even if they do, fuck it. I live alone, and don't have to see people if they're assholes about it.

The downsides are that in the 10 extra years, my friend network is incredibly disparate, and friends that I made in the city have scattered to all corners of the globe. I don't really see a ton of friends in large group settings outside of birthday parties anymore, and even if I did, I doubt that's the best way to do things.

So right now my list is something like this:

My Sister
So I think I will be coming out to my Sister first, despite the international distance. I'll either have to do it on the phone or via a scheduled video chat, which we do regularly. Sometimes she's able to get on at home, but usually she is at a public internet cafe which is just not gonna work. Bleh.

Guy Friend #1
So probably my closest friend growing up in California is visiting this weekend. I just feel like it's time to tell him.

Female Friend #1
This is my closest friend in NYC. Can you believe I had a hag before I was officially a fag? Man this coming out is so long overdue... The one awkward snag here is I'm pretty sure she's always been attracted to me, and I've always just feigned obliviousness. Oh well, maybe this will be a relief to her.

Female Friend #2
So this is a very close female friend of mine who used to live in NYC but has since moved to SF. She is high on my coming out list because at one point in NYC she did point-blank ask me why I was still single, and if I was gay (she is blunt like that), and I lied to her face. I always felt guilty about that. I just hope she doesn't gloat...

Guy Friend #2
So this is my college roommate. We're still tight, but he is slightly homophobic (for example, he's probably the only person my age who still uses "gay" as a pejorative). This one won't be fun.

Guy Friend #3
Bleh this is already getting confusing. Maybe I'll make up aliases for these people...

This is the guy mentioned before that I used to jerk off with in 9th grade. He came out in college, so obviously I think he'll be accepting of the whole thing, and probably has some tips. He lives in Europe now, though, so I dunno how this is gonna work out.

Friend Couple #1
So after college I lived with a guy from college; we were just good friends from taking the same classes and all, and we lived in a 2BR for a while. Now he's been dating a girl for about a year, and we all hang out a lot.

Friend Couple #2
The other couple is the one I hang out with in my neighborhood because they live super close, and they also like to go have nice food out pretty often. They're getting married later this year though, so even scheduling a dinner with them will be tough.

My Parents
So my parents are visiting the city in 3 weeks I think. I'm hoping to have everyone above this line by then.

Is this too aggressive? Not aggressive enough? Too thought out? I figure after there's a certain critical mass of people, the gossip network will do the rest for me. I just want to make sure that key people in my life hear it from me instead of a rumor mill.

A Continuity of Identity

In my previous post on coming out resources, one of the firs sites suggests making an "inventory" of your life: "anger, resentments, fears and guilt that you may have about your existing life, the positive characteristics that make you who you are today, your life goals, priorities and the things that make you happy".

I'm gonna nerd it up back to my Philosophy 101 class, but these are all the characteristics that a philosopher studying Reductionism (exemplified by British Philosopher Derek Parfit). Parfit used several thought exercises to illustrate that identity has little to do with your physical composition, or even the composition of your brain, but rather your identity is your own personal continuity of dreams, goals, fears, and ideals that make you who you are; constantly potentially changing from minute to minute, but each state in an overlapping chain of connectedness. So I guess it is comforting to know that despite me upending everything in my life, the core of my identity is not going to change, from a fairly definitive view on the subject. OK, enough nerd talk.

Anger, Resentment, Fears
One of my big fears that certainly comes through in my previous posts is a self-directed anger from having waited so long to be honest with myself. It's not
particularly rational, but there it is. I'm trying to actively channel that anger into this to force myself to acknowledge it, and I have to say, as long as I can feel myself actively working to fix my life, I really don't feel the anger anymore.

Resentment is a slightly different beast I guess. It's very hard for me to actually resent any of the situations that led to me waiting this long. While my other posts may have been kind of desperate, I actually do like most aspects of my life. I have great friends and family and I'm professionally successful, which is particularly rare these days. It's hard for me to be resentful when I'm acutely aware of how fortunate I am in other aspects of my life.

Fears... I could go on for days about, but let's just get them out there. I'm afraid I'll lose my friends, as my social situation will have changed and I won't be able to see them as much. I'm afraid that this one new thing I'm going to tell them is going to suddenly DEFINE me as a person to them. Eh, those are the big ones right now, but we'll see. I do feel like my fears are diminishing the more I write in this blog, which is probably why these posts are so long, heh.

Positive Characteristics
I'd say my strongest characteristics (and in this case it has been a double-edged sword) has been my strong ties to family. Even though I live in a different city than my parents now, we are in constant contact. I'm especially close to my younger sister, and we talk on a daily basis. I have an older brother who is married with kids and in such a different place than I am, but I'm still grateful to have his guidance when I need it. Beyond that, I have a huge extended family of cousins and aunts and uncles that I'm incredibly fond of. These attachments are also what make it difficult. I know that 90% of my family will be completely ok with this, and the other 10% will deal, but they'll also worry about me. Not saying I want to keep living my life for other people, but I'm just putting that down to acknowledge it.

Other than that I've been pretty blunt about what I find positive about my life. Even though I think I waited too long to do this, I'm still relatively young and have my health and am in good shape. I'm financially independent and can live in my own place and comfortably afford nice meals, clothes, and gadgets when I want to splurge.

I have really awesome friends. This may sound weird, since I haven't been comfortable coming out to them, but again, I know they'll mostly be cool with it. We live in New York, for crying out.

So, family, career, friends. Everything but romance, I guess.

Life goals, priorities, things that make me happy
Things that make me happy are video games, good food, and working out. I like to express myself creatively through photography, and I guess to a lesser extent, writing.

My Life Goals are pretty traditional. I think my dream is to find one stable, interesting, funny guy, and fall in love with him. I dunno if I'm interested in marriage or kids yet, it's really just been about a month since I've let myself think about any of this stuff in depth, so I guess I'm germinating ideas. However, I'm definitely an idealist; I believe in "soulmates" even though just typing it out makes me cringe with cheesiness overload. Heh... my Firefox spellchecker doesn't recognize that word.

My priorities have always put my family first, which is kind of why I put it above as my lame justification for waiting so long to come out. After that my friends and my political and ideological convictions.

Boy, this post was kind of long and boring. Oh well. Anyway, I'm going to video chat with my sister tonight, but I think she'll be in some foreign internet cafe. I guess probably not the right time, huh?

Making a list?

So I didn't put this in the other post cause it's unrelated, but I'm thinking of jumpstarting the coming out schedule.

First of all, one of my best friends from when I was growing up is visiting NYC this weekend. I really think he's one of the first people I'd want to tell.

Second, my parents are visiting in a few weeks, and I kind of feel like I want to tell my sister before them; I'm close to my sister, and it's kind of odd but I feel like I want to make sure I get to tell her and she doesn't hear it secondhand from somewhere else. The problem is my sister is out of the country right now. I guess my question is, should I come out to her on Skype? The alternative is to wait til I go visit her in April, but right now that seems like an eternity away...

I kind of just want to start getting it over with, yknow?

Do other people make prioritized lists for who they're coming out to, or am I just that weird?

Turn your head and cough... it's time for sex history.

So PlanetX asked me asked me about my past gay experiences, and the answer is almost none.

So I mean, as far back as I can remember, I was always more interested in looking at naked guys than naked girls. As a computer saavy kid, it was easy to find sites catering to gay men, and I was fascinated with every aspect. I would spend hours reading gay stories from newsgroups (some very good and some very, very bad).

I guess the one homosexual experience I had growing up was this one time I brought playboys to a friends house when I was sleeping over, and we jerked off together. I'd never seen another guy's dick in real life. At one point, he turned to me and asked if we should try giving each other blow jobs, and I was kind of stunned. First of all, the guy was one of my really good friends growing up, and second, I knew I wasn't attracted to him. So I just played it cool and told him I didn't wanna try it, and we just jerked off. The funny thing is, that guy came out in college, and though he had a pretty dramatic disowning by his really religious parents, they've since patched things up and he's doing really well.

Beyond that, I just tried to keep my head low. I had a few crushes on guys in high school, but I never really let myself pursue them, as I was terrified of being discovered. Which brings us to the:

I suppose the reason this whole thing went on for so long, is that I guess on the Kinsey scale, I'm not a full 6. I'm probably something like a 5, and it took me from the age of 16 to about 26 to realize that 5 was not close enough to 3 for me to be able to sustain it. I basically kept finding myself in situations where aggressive girls hit on me and I didn't have the guts or the decency to turn them down.

I had a steady girlfriend in High School, she basically asked me out a few weeks after I transfered to the new school, and we dated, but we never went further than oral sex. So yes, I ate pussy, and no, it's not that bad. The thing is, the entire time we dated, I made a conscious effort to stop the gay stuff. I deleted all my computer porn and scrubbed the hidden bookmarks file I had with all my gay interest sites. Other than a few moments of weakness, I tried to be a good straight boyfriend. We split up because in the end we just weren't that into each other, for various reasons.

My first sexual relationship with a girl was Freshman year of college, where we met outside a frat party and she complimented my shirt. Like I said, I had trouble turning down aggressive women, particularly in front of friends, so I ended up hooking up with her that night. We fooled around for a few months, and all I remember mostly is that she gave the fucking worst hand jobs in the world. Eventually we progressed to full intercourse, and the whole time I had to think about male torsos I'd seen on the internet to stay hard. We fucked a few more times, and it eventually came out from a mutual friend that she was still seeing her ex-boyfriend back at home; it was almost a relief to have an acceptable reason to dump her.

So for the rest of college and a few years after, I dated girls, but never let it get serious enough to get physical beyond making out and some fooling around. My second sexual experience came when I was actually out of the country for work in Canada. I was put up in a hotel for a week, and somewhere between boredom and loneliness I got picked up at a bar near my hotel and we went back to her place. Of all my sex experiences with girls, this was probably the easiest for me, as there was no pressure if I couldn't perform; I'd never see this girl again. So it wasn't terrible, but again the whole time I had to think of dicks.

The thing about New York is that after a certain time, the fact that I was a reasonably attractive, professionally successful single man with nice shoes did not go unnoticed by my single female friends, and female friends of my coupled friends who were desperate to match everyone up. It really got to the point where I would see a friend of a friend maybe making eyes at me, and I would think to myself "Oh god, am I going to have to fuck her?" I got set up on dates with some really attractive, successful, and great women, and I had to find a way to end dates early without triggering the suspicions of my friends. In retrospect, it is probably one of the meaner things I've done.

My last sexual experience was on my birthday three years ago, when a friend of a friend was in town and came to my party. Pretty much everyone I knew was there, so when this cute girl asked me to dance, I couldn't say no. Eventually we ended up at my place, and between the booze and my complete lack of sexual interest in her at this point, I wasn't even able to stay hard. It was basically a disaster, and my only saving grace is she was too nice to tell our mutual friend about it.

So the last few years I've just avoided emotional and sexual contact at all pretty much. I used the aforementioned tactics to dodge set-ups, all the while denying my homosexuality to the one or two people that asked me about it. I was still consuming gay porn from the internet at a voracious rate, and I was too terrified to list my picture on a profile for gay dating for fear of being discovered. At one point I found myself responding to a craigslist ad for anonymous sex with a guy who was cheating on his girlfriend. When I think back on it now, it was probably one of the most ridiculous and dangerous things I can think of- I gave this complete stranger my address and waited for him to come over. He actually never showed up but I really think it was for the best.

I wonder if I had allowed myself to go down the other path, if I'd have ended up eventually an old Republican Senator, tapping on bathroom stalls. Hey, they gotta start somewhere.

* Oh, I almost forgot, but I have kissed exactly 2 guys in my life. The first was four years ago at a spin the bottle party in Brooklyn. The second was a random guy in Austria.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Byproducts of a Revelation

So I guess when I talk about how I realized I needed to change everything in my life, it wasn't just the sexual orientation and coming out thing. My life was/is a big tangled ball of irrational choices and bad habits that were all supporting each other.

So yeah... I was a casual smoker since college, and I would frequently smoke socially. I've made half-assed attempts at quitting, but as a lot of my friends smoke and it's a pretty ubiquitous nasty habit here in New York, it was easy to fall back into the pattern. Anyway, as part of the package revelation, I decided to just completely cut that ridiculous, irrational habit out of my life entirely; I've been pretty successful since the new year started*.

* I did have one moment of weakness and I bummed a smoke outside of G Lounge on Friday, mostly because I was just a gigantic bundle of nerves that whole night. Also, the guy smoking was cute. And had a thick latin accent. This is probably going to be my biggest hurdle to quitting smoking: smoking-hot** guys outside clubs that make me nervous already.

** You see what I did there?

Working Out
So I've always been a pretty athletic guy. I swam for my high school's swim team a few years, and it's been pretty easy to stay active in New York City (most non-New Yorkers are surprised to learn that our city is actually incredibly Bike-friendly if you know where to go).

All of this was well and fine until I ran the marathon two years ago. Now, you'll notice I mention swimming and biking up above, but not running. This is because I'm not a runner. I just find nothing interesting about running. However, I basically was drunk one night and got into a kind of bar bet? And somehow that resulted in three of us signing up for the marathon the next day. Training for the marathon was actually fantastic; I got in probably the best shape of my life since I was 18, and I could basically eat whatever the fuck I wanted and not gain any weight because I was running 5 days a week.

The thing is, after the marathon I got ridiculously complacent. For the first month my feet still hurt from the marathon and I felt a false sense of entitlement still, then after that it had already gotten brutally cold in New York so I had trouble psyching myself into going to the gym. Eventually it had been about 4 months without much physical activity at all, and I realized when I went on vacation last year that for the first time in a long while, I was being self-conscious about my body.

So just around revelation time at the beginning of this new year, I cancelled my old unused gym membership and signed up to a slightly more expensive gym, but one RIGHT near my house. It's literally like 2 blocks away- even if there's a monster snowstorm on the Eastern Seaboard, I still have no excuse not to go. Also, it was an unexpected bonus, but the guys at my new gym are way hotter. Ah, Chelsea.

Eating Well
I guess I blame this one on the marathon too, because once you get used to the ridiculously high calorie and high carb diets you need to train for a marathon, it's difficult to go back to a normal human diet. I've always been good about eating pretty low calorie, high fiber stuff, but I'm also a total foodie, so I value a really good meal and don't mind splurging and working off a big meal the next day.

Anyway, this bullet point is less directed than the other two, but I'm trying to cook more, eat healthier, eat less fried food, find a decent salad place near work, all that stuff.

The Drinking Thing
Hmmm, this is a tough one for me. I'm pretty sure that my bouts of "courage" noted in other posts like my visit to G Lounge were primarily enabled by the miracle drug called alcohol. Not only do I appreciate alcohol as a social enabler, but I also have a taste for fine wines and liquors, particularly in social scenes and with food. Particularly living in New York with the high-class restaurants we have here, there are some culinary experiences that are tailored to go with specific wines and spirits, and I value those experiences highly.

While I'm not planning on cutting alcohol out of my life, I am probably just putting this down here to acknowledge that I can't keep drinking like I'm still in college, it's going to start having more noticeable effects on my body. Anyway, I guess it will be a challenge for me to stay social and try to drink less, but is that really less demanding than any of the other things I'm going through right now? I guess not.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Last post for the night I think

So I think I've read through like a hundred blogs tonight, and it's so unbelievably comforting to hear other people verbalize the fears and assumptions and all my stupid shit that is flying through my head right now. I have so much I want to put down here and don't even know where to start.

On Having The Revelation
I don't know if everyone has this moment, but I had a moment on my birthday at the end of last year where it hit me that I have to come out, I have to fix my life. The revelation came as a result of a bunch of factors. Cue a list (geez I think I have a list addiction):

First, I'm at that age where my really close friends are all getting married, and it's not about me worried about being lonely so much, as me seeing two people genuinely in love; I think a long part of my delay comes from a deep-seated cynicism that is kind of par for the course in New York. I don't know if I actually believed in love, but I think I'm starting to come around to it...

Second, my Grandmother is really sick; to be honest I think she has only months to live. She had a stroke last year and can't really talk anymore, but I had a moment when I was visiting her in the hospital right after New Year's, and she held my hand and was trying to tell me something. I still don't know what that is, but everything about it was screaming to me that I had to fix my life right then and there.

On Coming Out
So I haven't come out to anyone yet, but there was a moment after Christmas where I almost came out to my Dad. As I mentioned before, after visiting my Grandmother in the hospital, I was completely overcome with emotion. My Dad was driving me back and I completely burst in to tears. I had the strangest sensation that I had to tell him everything right then and there, but I held my tongue. I don't know if this was a complete copout, but I was second guessing myself, and of course I was terrified, but I also didn't want to bypass my grief for my Grandmother by bringing other stuff into the mix. I dunno, it was a strange moment for me.

On Meeting Guys
Well, I always feel shallow when I talk about this kind of stuff, especially after the heavier stuff early in the post, but since I guess my attraction to guys is at the very core of this entire thing, I guess it's relevant.

So my one experience at a gay bar before "The Revelation" was in Austria last year. I was there by myself, and decided for my vacation I'd be true to myself and visit some of the gay bars there. Now, being temporarily out on a vacation is kind of terrifying in dimensions I hadn't even anticipated, the first being the language barrier of course, and the second being general touristy fears of shady characters. Still, I was pretty lucky cause in the very first bar I went to (Village Bar), I found some British and Australian expats who were all totally friendly and cool, and became my impromptu gay guides for the night. We ended up at this terrible club with awful music and horrible lights (it was called "Why Not") and it was honestly the most fun I've had in years. We spent the whole night drinking, making friends, talking to a few guys, and it was just an amazing experience. I have to think this was probably one of the most positive experiences I can attribute toward making my decision, so I guess it's not all just fear and anxiety.

I went to G Lounge in Chelsea on Friday for the first time, even though I've walked by it for years and always been curious. While it was definitely more stressful than my Austria trip, it was still exciting to be putting myself out there finally after obsessing about it for so long. I talked to this really cute guy in line, and I probably sounded completely high because I was so anxious, but he was a good sport about it, and we just shot the shit for a while and talked about other gay bars. Inside the bar, I had this strange feeling that this one guy was checking me out, so I went up to talk to him, and he gave me this attitude-face, so... I guess I was wrong there. Oh well. I was kind of mortified, and pretty drunk at this point, so I was planning on turning tail and getting out of there, but then these two really cute black guys (JJ and Shane? I think were their names) beckoned me over, and we started talking and talking; I didn't mention the whole newly coming out thing cause I wanted to sound kind of worldly, does that make me lame? Anyway, they were in a relationship together, and SUPER YOUNG (I don't think they were actually 21), but they were just awesome people to talk to and it was just great to have a real conversation for once, yknow? I should have probably exchanged e-mails or phone numbers, but oh well.

After that night out I think I'm going to try to be a little more proactive in planning to meet people, both to expand my network of gay friends, and to meet guys. I like computers, so I think I'm gonna be more bold in using tools like twitter and this blog to find places to go. I'm also gonna try one of those online dating sites. I'm kinda nervous about the traditional sites (like, here's my picture and my info, message me if you like me), as I'm not out to my friends yet, and it's just scary to think that that information would be floating out there, but I think I'd be comfortable doing one of those online speed dating sites. Is that crazy? Anyone have any recommendations?

A Billion Questions Unanswered
There's still so much I can't visualize about this process, but the blog is helping, I think.


There are a ton of great resources online for people coming out.  There are apparently a billion coming out blogs out there, I've noted a few that rang really true to my own experiences and I am now following them.  Looking at all the other coming out blogs, I wonder if I have to start putting porny pictures all over the place to fit in.  Well, I'll leave that for later.

I also found a step-by-step list here.  The steps I find relevant are are:
  1. Create a personal inventory when coming out. "Take a personal inventory of your life. Write down any anger, resentments, fears and guilt that you may have about your existing life. Don't forget the positive characteristics that also make you who you are today. Once you've done that, list your life goals, priorities and the things that make you happy (getting married, having children, being single, enjoying nature, art, dancing, etc.). What you are identifying is what kind of gay person you want to be." Hmm ok, I guess that's what the blog is for. I guess I'll get to that in the next post. Am I taking this too literally? Oh well, it's something to do.
  2. Know that you are not alone. Basically. start networking. I guess that's what the blog is for too to some extent, also I've started posting on some online forums, and it is really comforting to find that my experiences are not unique.
  3. Tell family and friends you're gay when you're ready.  Ho boy.  This is the big tamale, right?  There are times when I feel like I'll never have the cojones to do this, and there are other times where I feel like it won't be a big deal.  I'm 29 and single, I'm pretty sure my parents and friends already suspect; there are times where I'm sure it will be a big relief to them.  Eh, I go back and forth on this one.  I know there are some unique challenges I face as someone coming out so late in life, but at the same time, I am financially independent now and I live alone, if it turns out my parents aren't so great with my new lifestyle, I can just say fuck 'em, right?
  4. Learn about gay love, relationships and sex. Oh wait, maybe this is the big tamale. As sure as I am that I'm gay, my relationship and sex experience with guys is close to zero. Umm, ok I think that's as much as I'm willing to share on the internet at this point.

Man do I love lists. I may just make it through this thing after all.

A Todo List

OK, because I'm completely neurotic, and this is how I function, here is a list of the things I need to do this year, in no particular order.

- Come out to Family
- Come out to Friends
- Come out to old friends (?)
- Expand my network of gay friends in NYC
- Meet guys

Right now, I have no idea how to do any of them, but writing them down somewhere is feeling like it's helping.

I guess I am making some progress on those last two fronts. I am starting to create profiles on popular gay social networks. I'm still kind of unsure of how much info I'm willing to put on there until I come out to my family and friends. God I'm such a chicken shit.

As for meeting guys, I went to a gay bar near me, G-Lounge, on Friday Night. The crowd isn't too old or young, but just about right for me; there are quite a lot of hot guys there. The thing is I just feel completely nervous there. I just have no idea how to do this. God I'm such a chicken shit.

I may try online speed dating. When all else fails, I expect my complete and total faith in technology to save me.

So here's the deal.

I'm a 29 year old man living in Manhattan, and up until recently I tried to convince myself I was straight, down to dating and sleeping with women. I would clandestinely visit gay porn sites and blogs, and deep down I knew I was attracted exclusively to men. I guess I always hoped it was a phase I would grow out of, or that I could hide it forever and have some kind of sham marriage. But I'm gonna turn 30 this year, and life is too fucking short.

Basically, I just came out to myself. I always thought that would be the hard part, but now I have absolutely no idea what to do next.