Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Pride (In the Name of Love)

Heh, so I couldn't get out of my Community Service; they're pretty strict here with the sick days- you have to actually present a Doctor's note to get it postponed, and honestly, after everything that happened to me I didn't want to make waves.

Still, I was determined to make the most of my pride weekend regardless. Saturday after my service work, I got out around 8, met up with PF and got dinner in the West Village. We actually ended up going to the Stonewall Inn, which he had never been to; it was crazy crowded, but not uncomfortably so, actually- we ended up getting a stool at the bar and making out for a bit ;). It was a fun atmosphere in there, and it was kind of nice to get our weekend started at the place that started it all really.

Pretty much every other place in the Village was crowded beyond belief so we went up to midtown to meet up with some of my friends. We ended up at the Ritz- and I got to introduce PF to my good friend Alex; it was also the first time I got to meet Alex's new boy, so it was pretty fun for everyone. We ended up moving back down to the Village actually, and we ended up at The Hangar, which was playing some hip hop, and we drank a little more and danced a lot and it was super fun. I was pretty exhausted though, so I went home with PF and we just passed out. The next morning, we got up early to go to get brunch and then PF had to leave early to get back to his place around 11. I still had 3 hours to kill, so ended up catching up with some of my other friends who were getting brunch near the parade route and getting set up for the parade. I didn't actually get to see any of the parade unfortunately, but I did hang out in the crowd that was gathering around it and feel the atmosphere before I had to go.

The community service itself wasn't so bad- I actually ended up sweeping Times Square, which was kind of a trip, given that I work there during the day. I was a little nervous someone I worked with would walk by, but it was all cool. In fact, when you're wearing a blue jumpsuit and sweeping the floor in Times Square, no one really looks at you at all, which sounds dehumanizing, but it was welcome to me at the time. And as stupid as the whole thing was, I really feel like it could have been so much worse; sweeping up cigarette butts and flyers is a billion times better than the jail cell, and honestly, when I was blacked out I could have done so much worse- In the long run, one night in jail and 2 nights of community service is a small price to pay for learning my limits and hopefully avoiding any such craziness in the future.

Met up again with PF that night, with his co-workers again, who are always fun, and we just wandered around. They showed me the pictures they got to take at the parade, and while it looked like it was fun, it also looked like it had been really long and actually really commercial, which is a little sad. They did get some goodies handed out at the parade though, like a novelty spanking paddle and stuff, heh. We wandered to a few more bars but they were all really crowded to the point of spilling onto the street, and I was exhausted from the two days of work, so PF and I just went home. PF didn't bring any stuff to spend the night, so we ended up just talking a bit; I basically told him I felt like I had grown a lot in the past week as a result of everything that had happened to me, and that despite all the horrible stuff, and the community service, I had one of the most fun weekends I could remember. I asked PF if he still wanted to be my boyfriend and he said yes!

And this PF stuff is getting annoying. His name is Chris. :)

Friday, June 26, 2009

Parents Just Don't Understand

Off the topic of arrests, dating, and general relationship confusion...

Since I lost my phone, I called my parents to let them know that my old number wouldn't work for a bit, and not to freak out, and I ended up talking to my Mom. Eventually, discussion about my job, family members' health, and the weather dried up and we were left with nothing left to talk about but me.

Like I said, my parents have recently seemed ok with things finally... My mom mentioned she was coming to NY in the fall with one of her sisters, and it occurred to me that I haven't come out to any of them. I asked her if she was comfortable with me starting to tell some of her sisters and brothers, and she just stayed quiet. Finally she asks "How sure are you about this? Are you sure you're not bisexual?" Sigh. #momfail.

But whatever, I told her I was sure, and blah blah blah and we got back to talking about her trip. Then she asks me if I'm dating anyone. Now... ok... maybe I'm expecting too much, but here is what a normal parent/child conversation about relationships is supposed to go, if I'm not mistaken.

Mom: Are you seeing anyone special?
Child: Yeah, kinda.
Mom: What's his/her name?


And here's how mine went:
Mom: Are you seeing anyone special?
Child: Yeah, kinda.
Mom: So you're not being promiscuous?


So I get that she is concerned about my health and great, but it kind of depressed me that she showed no interest in really finding out about what's going in my life, and clearly doesn't want to hear about any specifics. And I'm not going to go forcing it down her throat or anything. Still, it does bother me because I used to be pretty close to my parents and now that is strained. Obviously my expectations for them might have been to high, but I would like them to be interested in my life, and be happy for me when things are going well... I guess I'm worried it's going to be like this forever.

Oh well. I'm getting that out of my mind. Gay Pride this weekend, and while I'm missing big chunks of it to probably pick up trash on the West Side Highway, I still plan on enjoying the rest of it.

Happy Pride everyone!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Shifting Gears

Do you ever feel like life is sending you a message? So sometimes when I'm writing this blog I'm happy for the kind of candor I can only have with strangers; I think I tell you guys shit that I wouldn't tell some of my closest friends, or just stuff I can't say out loud cause it's just what's in my head and it's too much to say to someone I know in person without changing everything. This post is going to be crazy but there's just no easy way to summarize what's happened to me this past weekend with any kind of grace, so here goes.

Saturday
I met PokerFace for dinner in Brooklyn on Saturday- we fooled around at his place first, went to this really cool local restaurant, then a bar to get beers, and then back to his place. I had been worried it might be awkward but it wasn't, it was a lot of fun, and it felt really comfortable. I spent the night at his place.

Sunday
We got brunch in the morning and I went home and did my run.

That night I met up with my gay friends downtown, and I kind of had a crush on one of my friend Alex's friends, so when he had to leave for a date, I hung around to chat up his friend a bit. That somehow led to me getting way too drunk. I don't think I did anything that embarrassing at the bar (that I can remember) but here's where the story goes nuts. I mean, I was drunk- like blackout awful drunk. And... when I came to... I was in lockup in a police station.

So my arrest I've pieced together from the officer's account, and apparently I was in some kind of shouting match with a cabbie, and somehow police got involved and I was refusing to pay the fare (it was $3.80!) and I got belligerent or something. Anyway, I guess I got processed and took a mug shot and I don't remember any of it until I was sitting in a lockup and getting fingerprinted. And I was stupid drunk.

They cuffed me again, and moved me to another precinct for overnight holding, and I was in a tiny cell by myself with just a wooden board and a metal toilet. They told me I would get processed in the morning and I should be out of there by 8:30. I fell asleep.

Monday
At 8 they woke us up with sausage biscuits and cokes from mcdonald's. Then they came and called people to go to the court to see a judge, and they called everyone except me. The officer said my paperwork must still be in transit, but that I should be out by noon at the latest. They said I couldn't make my phone call until my paperwork was processed.

I sat in that cell for hours; I read my property claim ticket front and back probably 10 times, and tried not to read the crazy grafitti on the cell walls from previous occupants. OK, I'm getting sick just describing it again, but basically it was hell. I had no concept of when I'd get out and as the time stretched on I was convinced my paperwork had been lost. The officer only came by every few hours, and he never had any details. I've never felt more disgusted in myself than at that moment. I had dark thoughts, which I just never want to face again.

At 3pm, they finally called me out, and put me in another lockup room with about 5 other guys also waiting for their court appearance. We were there for about another and a half. At this point, they served us more food, which I guess we were supposed to have gotten around noon, but they forgot, so they were cold hamburgers- it didn't really matter because I was starving.

Finally I met with my legal aide and he said since it was a first offense and such a petty charge, he would ask to have it reduced to an "ACD", which I forget what it stands for, but basically if I don't get arrested in 6 months, the charge is expunged from my record. I have to serve 2 days of community service, which is, unfortunately on this weekend... gay pride weekend here in NYC.

So the other thing is I lost my phone. Now I don't know if I lost it in the cab, at the bar, or if it was confiscated and lost at the police station, but that's that. It's just a phone, I'm not going to sweat it.

I got home, took a long shower, called my boss (who was more relieved to hear from me than mad, thank god), and then my BFF, who had sent me an email because she thought it was weird for me to not talk to her or respond to her texts.

Then I called PokerFace. I told him what happened and I was practically in tears. I asked him to come over. He came over and was just amazing. He just listened to my story without judgement, and was completely sympathetic and I mean, just awesome. We watched some stupid movies and tv shows, and ordered in some Indian food. I didn't think I'd be in the mood for anything, but after we made out a bit, and my mind was off the whole day, I got pretty horny, and just wanted to think of something normal, so we jerked each other off. We watched some more TV, and went to sleep, but I was having trouble- not only did things keep reminding me of the cell, but I also had bruises on my wrists from the handcuffs, and on my elbows and ribs, I guess from the arrest. I felt like a jerk for keeping him up, but he was totally understanding and eventually I did fall asleep. We woke up in the morning, took a shower, and got breakfast together.

Summary
So that was my weekend, including the worst night of my life that turned into the worst day of my life. And what have I learned? I need to fucking grow up. Enough with the binge drinking and pathetic attempts to win the meaningless approval of strangers.

More importantly... I know now that I don't deserve him, but I want PF to be my boyfriend. I almost blurted this out when he was staying over, and I started to think that when I tell him I want it to be special- and not some trauma-induced needy bullshit that doesn't mean anything.

So... like I said before- do you ever feel like life is sending you a message, and in a way that you just can't ignore anymore? I'm pretty sure the message I got is that I'm a fucking mess.

Friday, June 19, 2009

(no I can't read his) Poker Face

Ok so back to the actual story. PF comes over and I pretty much give the speech verbatim like I typed it out. [Alex C: I thought about doing it after dinner, but it was weighing on my mind so heavily I just wanted to get it off my chest]

He nodded a lot and said he understood that I was new to all this and wanted to try out more stuff before settling down, and he was comfortable moving slower. His actual paraphrase was "got it, you don't belong to anyone", which sounded a little more to the point, but... whatever works, I guess.

After the talk we went to a cool tapas joint in Chelsea, but there was a crazy wait so while we were waiting we walked up to the new High Line park here, which is awesome. Among other things, it's a really popular make out spot for gay couples, so... PF and I did that a bit. Then we went back to the restaurant and our table was ready- we got really good tapas and split a cheap bottle of Jumilla wine. It was really a great meal and conversation was great and everything. We got back to my place and had a really intense oral session that was really hot and took a shower together, and then went to sleep. Around 2am, though, I woke up a bit and noticed PF was still awake, and he said he was just having a bit of trouble sleeping, and around 5am I woke up again to him getting dressed. He said he just wasn't feeling well and thought he should head home, so I said ok and saw him out. The next morning I texted him to see if he was feeling better and he said he actually took the day off work, and it didn't have anything to do with the conversation or anything. I was as up front and honest as I could be with him, so even though I thought him leaving early on Wednesday was a little weird, I'll take what he says at face value; other than that everything on our date was great.

We have plans to get dinner tomorrow, and hopefully he'll have processed it all more and maybe we'll talk about it more, but despite the little apprehensions, I am still looking forward to the date!

An ominous portent?

Alternative Title: "Oops, I did it again".

[So all this stuff happened on Wednesday, but between having the talk, training for the half-marathon, and dinging 80 in World of Warcraft, I have no time to post!]

So a little background- during my posting hiatus at the end of february, the first guy I hooked up with was this guy I met at a bar and we hit it off, and whatever. He was a little younger than me (24), which given my 0 sexual experience seemed like a good match. On the 3rd date (we had fooled around but not had sex), he asked me "where is this going?" And knowing that I wasn't ready for a relationship, I told him I was just looking to fool around and not looking for a relationship, and he was, so things ended there. For the sake of anonymity we'll call him D.

So, I was prepping for my date and talk with PokerFace on Wednesday, and literally 10 minutes before PokerFace arrives, D calls me and is just chatting about his life and his work and whatever, and I'm totally confused. We've barely spoken at all since February, and he left cause he wants a relationship, and all of a sudden he's just calling me to hang out? Especially given that I was expecting PF over and was still going over the talk in my mind, I kind of just let him know that nothing had really changed since last time, but if he wanted to hang out as friends that would be cool. But... it was just weird timing right? This is pretty much the only other guy I've ever gone on more than 2 dates with, and the first guy I had to have a talk with of any kind. I couldn't tell if this was a good sign (hey I was mature in that conversation too and no one got hurt!) or a bad sign (apparently the last time I had this talk, it didn't stick).

Crap, now I'm late for work. I'll get to the post-talk with PokerFace in another post later today.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Talk

Well Poker Face is coming over in about 2 hours and I am waiting for my iPhone software to download and I'm going to go for a quick run before he gets here, but I thought I'd lay out my points from before into a planned script for tonight. It's not that I want to give a canned speech, but I know I'm going to get nervous when he gets here and there are some key points that I don't want to miss so here goes. Also some of these

"Hey- before we go to dinner, there's something I wanted to talk about. I have something on my mind and I kind of need to get it off my chest, so just hear me out here.

So, I don't know if you realized this, but during dinner on Sunday with your co-workers you were telling this story and you called me your boyfriend. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not like totally against that, it just kind of startled me because we've never really talked about that, so it was kind of a shock. To be honest, it wasn't just that, it was also all the talks about rafting trips and what our plans were for pride and 4th of July and stuff. I just felt like suddenly everything is moving faster than I thought and I don't know if I'm ready for it. So the thing is, I really like you, but I just came out 4 months ago really, and I'm turning 30 at the end of this year. This probably sounds selfish, but the thing is, this is my only chance to be a young, single gay man, and I had my own plans for this summer that I was looking forward to.

I really like you, and I thought this was going really good, just keeping it casual and going slow, but I know that probably wasn't really fair to you- and instead of having a mature conversation with you about our relationship, I just kind of let it go on without talking about it. I thought about it after Sunday and having a boyfriend does sound really great and it's something I want eventually, but I just know that right now I don't have the maturity for that, and I can't rush that. I am still at the phase where I want to be able to go out with my friends to a club, and flirt with the bartender or a cute guy if I want, and not feel guilty about that. I know that makes me sound like I want it all, but that's really all I'm capable of right now.

I totally get it if this is not what you want or if you think I led you on. I mean, you came out 8 years ago, and probably went through all this a long time ago and you're in a really different space than me. If you're not totally disgusted by me, I still want to date you- and after the summer or so, maybe we could reevaluate things and see where we are.

So, that's it, I just had to let you know where I am, emotionally and stuff.

[Q&A period goes here]

[If he still wants to have dinner with me, then that goes here]

[If that goes, well, more sex]."

And that's where my my mind goes of course. I wonder if he's seen that doctor yet...

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Can't sleep

It's 1am and I have just been lying here trying to go to sleep... and it's been on my mind all day at work. I have to talk to PokerFace. This thing is just moving too fast and it's pretty clear to me now that we are both moving at very different speeds.

Independence
I'd have to say my biggest fear of being in a relationship now is that I kind of just want to be single now. I just came out two months before I met PF and suddenly he is calling me my boyfriend and I feel like I didn't even get to experience single life. At the very least, I wanted to experience the whole summer and I had planned to go to all these parties with my friends and maybe flirt with guys and all of these plans were for me as a single man. Even though I do like PF, I just feel like I really need to be single at this phase in my life, and I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship. Even beyond that, if I don't experience this summer the way I had wanted to, or even give myself the opportunity to, I will probably end up resenting PF for that, as irrational as that sounds.

Buyer's Remorse
Also, while I do enjoy my time with PF, there are definitely things about him that bother me. Of course there's the sex stuff I won't shut up about... but there are other things too. Some are easily fixable (I'm not crazy about his fashion sense, sometimes his hair and his facial hair are a little weird), some are not really a big deal (he gets a little sweaty when we're making out which is sometimes a turnoff, and I wish he worked out more). Then there are the ones that may be a dealbreaker in the long term. The main thing is he's totally passive when it comes to decision making, whether it's about dates or what to order, or everything. While it sounds great that he's always like "oh we can do whatever you want to do", it kind of makes me wonder what the point of being on a date with him is at all.

The Good Stuff
But I go back and forth on this... This morning I was pondering a long term relationship with him, and I could envision it. It was kind of nice, even though it was all just a weird reverie in my head. We have a lot of common interests, we have good conversations, and he is incredibly sweet. But again, because he just goes along with whatever I say, I have a hard time telling sometimes if we are on the same page or if he is just being passive again. I definitely want security and someone who understands me, but it has to be the right guy, and there are times when I just don't think he's it, and other times where I think he might be. I guess that's why I'm still up and typing this now.

The Options
So I have to meet him in person some time this week, and I am going to lay out how I think we're moving too fast and he's rushing me in ways that are kind of freaking me out; I think I'll definitely tell him that I need to be independent, at least to the point that I had things planned for this summer as a single guy that I want to do still, and I don't want to have to feel guilty about it. I mean, he came out and dated and stuff 8 years ago, and I just did it. I'm just not on the same page as him, maturity-wise, and as much as that sucks, it would suck worse if I just lied to myself and him about it and pretended I was all cool with everything when I'm not.

The thing is, I don't know if I want to tell him I want to slow things down and see other people and still see him and reevaluate it at the end of the summer... or if that's just bullshit and if I should just cut it off before we both end up getting in further and getting more hurt... And that's why I'm still up typing and no closer to getting to a conclusion or to sleep. I think I'm going to watch some DVR'd tv...

Monday, June 15, 2009

Leaps and bounds...

PokerFace and I saw Up on Thursday, and we normally only go on one date a week, but I got a text today to see if I wanted to see a movie with him, his gay co-worker, and his co-worker's boyfriend. This was clearly a relationship escalation. I really didn't know how to deal with something like this... But as much as I kind of want to be single, another part of me wants to give this relationship a shot, and to jump in with both feet. Plus, I was thinking- as long as I don't say I'm his "boyfriend" there's no expectation of exclusivity, so maybe I'm not closing off my options.

I ended up bailing on the movie itself, but meeting up with them for drinks and dinner after. It was actually super fun, his co-worker and his boyfriend were cute and really funny and we all had a good time. Then at one point when they were exchanging work anecdotes, it came out that apparently on Friday PokerFace had told co-workers that he had "a boyfriend" (that would be me, apparently). I don't think I let on how much that freaked me out at dinner, but it definitely was a little weird right? We've never had a conversation about that and he's telling his co-workers that I'm his boyfriend... I really think it's time we had a talk, although I really don't know what my message will be.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Brutal Honesty Sunday

The film festival was excellent. After the double feature PokerFace and I had a nice dinner and headed back to my place.

He's a really good cuddler... I could have done that for hours. I guess we probably did. The next morning I took him to one of my favorite brunch spots, and then we came back and took a nap before he had to head out. We spent about 22 consecutive hours together, which is kind of a first for me. I came 4 times... so it does seem odd for me to be complaining I guess.

I guess I go into these dates hoping they'll answer my questions one way or another but they just bring up more. God, now I'm typing clich├ęs... Time for bed.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Suspense

I had a strange thought today- when I got home from the gym on Monday I was kinda horny and I had a whole batch of new porn on my computer so I jerked off. It was pretty good. I realized today that that was the first time since I started dating PokerFace that I had jerked off (No... I'm not like a girl crossing off days on her calendar).

It wasn't like a conscious jerking-off-abstinence, I just always was anticipating getting off with PokerFace, and because of the Fire Island trip, this was the first time I'd gone over a week without seeing him (not counting when I was sick, and who wants to jerk off when they have cold sweats?).

I'm certainly not one of those weirdos who thinks jerking off is cheating, and like I said last time, I don't even know if I'm in a stage in a relationship where I'd even consider fucking another guy cheating. Still, it was just something that struck me today... when I was at the gym again. Heh.

Don't worry, I'm gonna hold off til my date with Pokerface on Saturday... We're going to see some of the movies at the LGBT film festival here in New York. There's something exciting about the suspense. Despite all our strange encounters and my misgivings about being in a relationship, I still get rock hard every time I see him in person. Looking forward to Saturday, even if it is for extremely shallow reasons... ;)

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The weekend

So Fire Island was super fun! I went to an underwear party and made out with a stranger, which were pretty much my only two goals for the weekend. I didn't do anything further, although there were definitely opportunities. The weird thing about Fire Island is that everyone is staying in large houses with huge groups of friends, normally at least 2 people to a room. In addition, most of the houses have strict rules about guests, so if you're going to hook up with someone, it's either outside in the woods or in like a jacuzzi or something. Or it's totally blatantly in the middle of a bar, which I saw a bit of. In either case, I wasn't really willing to go further than making out with some guy and some underwear groping, but in terms of Fire Island, I was extremely chaste.

So now I'm back in NYC and back to my regular shtick. I'm seeing PokerFace this weekend (I think we're going to the big LGBT film festival here this weekend), but I think if we don't have sex I may just call this whole thing off. It's not even just about the sex actually. It's just in general I wish PokerFace was a little less complacent. Like when we go out I always end up picking the place, and even ordering the food if we're sharing, because he always says he wants whatever I want. While that's all very sweet it also makes me a little bored. I need him to be more of a top in a few aspects I guess...

I know it's not really the same thing, but I've been getting some flirty mails on some of the dating sites recently, and even though I never really find what I'm looking for on those sites, it's still fun to play the game. One guy wants to go on a date, but I haven't said yes or no yet. I know it's hardly like PokerFace and I are exclusive, but I still feel like it would be weird to juggle. I'm not sure I can date more than one guy at a time and be true to myself about it.