Chinese Mothers, Aiyyaa

I keep re-reading this Wall Street Journal entitled "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" desperately searching for some trace of irony, but I can't seem to find it. The author brags about how she has raised her daughters in the Chinese tradition, and feels no qualms about calling her daughter "garbage" to her face, or saying (this is a direct quote!) "Hey fatty—lose some weight." She even apparently crows about her parenting style at dinner parties, which sounds super fun.
She gives a laundry list of the actions her children were prohibited from, which includes:

• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• ...

I can't help but think that my mother had a very similar list, which also included

• kiss members of the same sex

I don't think that it's any coincidence that there are legions of formerly painfully closeted Asian bloggers out there, and that it took me until I was almost 30 before I had the self-confidence and courage to come out to myself and others. I'm not blaming my parents for my own agency, but this article strikes a little close to home for me.

It's Getting Better All The Time

You have to be living under a rock to not have heard about one of the many recent tragic gay suicides that have been in the news so often lately. The story is so templatized by now that it is really scary- high school or college boy gets bullied to the point of suicide. Dan Savage has encouraged people to record video messages to these youths- in his "It Gets Better" project. But damn it, Jim, I'm a blogger, not a videographer.

Anyone reading this blog has probably experienced gay bullying of some kind. In my case, it was one of the forces that probably kept me in the closet so long; I dated girls in High School because it was the easiest way to dodge accusations-- and that lie got carried out through college and into my adult life. I attended a rigorously academic private school, and even there, anyone who even had rumors about their sexuality became socially stigmatized to near ostracism. By the time I was at college, even at a much more accepting place, I had internalized so much of that fear and self-loathing that I just kept it up. And the rest... well, read the blog.

I know I'm not the most prolific writer out there, but I do hope that this is getting read by people out there that are in the same boat, and are looking for positive examples for people living a normal, actualized life and living without fear. Whether you're in high school, college, or even if you're like I was- a desperately unhappy 28-year old who was trying to figure out how to undo a lifetime of second-guessing, I hope that I am living proof that it does get better.
So after all that, here are my updates. Despite my proclamation of not attending straight weddings in California, I'm still attending a crazy number of weddings in California (photobooth from the most recent one pictured here). Sigh. I make up for compromising my personal politics by eating a lot of tasty hors d'œuvres.

My parents have come around really well- in fact, as I am typing this, they are sleeping in the guest room at Chris and my apartment. They're visiting for the weekend, and it's actually been really great with them. I have also heard through the grapevine that they're much more comfortable telling their old friends about me. And hey, if 60 year old Chinese immigrant parents can proudly tell their friends their son is gay... it's got to be getting better, right?

Movin' right along in search of good times and good news

We move in next Saturday! Apartment is picked, lease is signed! The place is really sweet, by manhattan standards. Huge, usable kitchen, top floor of an elevator building so no street noise or stomping neighbors above you, new appliances, outdoor space (!), washer/dryer unit IN the apartment (!). Even with all that, the two of us will be paying less combined rent than we did before which is great. It doesn't seem so great right this second when I just had to shell out a 2 month deposit, and I still haven't gotten the deposit from my old apartment back, but it will be really great. I may post a picture once we get the whole place set up, although with the 2 of us moving in, and having to decide who is keeping what, that may be a while.

I met Chris's Mom and aunt yesterday and they are both amazing- I think things are better with my parents too, but I haven't had a chance to tell them about our moving in yet. They have been great about stuff recently, but I never know when I have big announcements like this.

Anyway, that's what's up with me. I dunno what's going on with all these chinese spam commenters.

Updates on everything

Been super busy with work, and friends visiting, and planning the move and everything. Quick update hit-and-run:

• Picked the charities to donate to! I picked HRC and the Empire State Pride Agenda! One cool tool I found when doing this is Charity Navigator, which offers some metrics on how efficiently some charities are run, and suggests similar charities based on their focus.
• Chris and I are gonna start looking for places soon! Eep, I gotta start packing, and selling a ton of crap I can't bring myself to move again. I have like 4 boxes of old comic books that really should just not be taking up space in my new apartment.
• So my parents are coming in 2 weeks, and I decided to give them the option of whether or not they wanted to meet Chris this visit, and they actually sounded pretty open to the idea! I definitely did NOT mention that we were talking about moving in yet, and I think I'll probably tell them way later, depending on how well the in-person meeting goes.

So that's what's going on with me. Aight, I have to get caught up on my blogs. And my porn.

Big hugz

Big hugz to Steve over at Lions, Tigers, and Science Oh My who just came out to his Mom and it didn't go so great.

When I was home over Christmas, there were moments where I felt like things maybe were ok with my Mom and Dad. They clearly were making some attempts to stay involved with my life, but I didn't know how much they wanted to know. Eventually they did ask a few questions about my bf; like where he's from, and what he does for a living (I didn't mention the unemployment, cause... that would not have made him very popular). I really hope it goes ok when I finally introduce him in person, but I should keep my expectations realistic.

I do think I still have a lot of disappointment and a little anger that my parents (my Mom in particular) didn't take my coming out very well, and in general made it all about her. Like I said to Steve, I think one of the hardest parts of growing up is realizing that your parents are imperfect, and that you can only expect so much of them before you get disappointed. My parents will never be the super-supportive PFLAG parents or anything, and if they're actually working hard to accept me for who I am, I have to be able to do the same and accept their slowness to accept change as well.

Anyway, good luck Steve, please keep us updated.

More Parental stuff...

This is kind of a continuation of the last post. I think the reason why the whole coming out stuff has come back into the fore is that I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with my parents recently, and how it has changed.

Last week I got a call from one of my close friends who lives in SF who was in tears. Her mother was diagnosed with an incurable, terminal illness, and has only months left to live. In addition to being heartbroken for her, it also just reminded me the recent loss of my grandmother. We talked for a long time, and I tried to keep a brave face on the phone, but as soon as she was off the phone, I broke down from all the emotion.

I feel like it would be a disservice to my grandmother and my friend if I didn't take this as a call to action of my own. I love my parents, and I am lucky to have them in such great health. I really wish I could just call them up and talk, but it has been so stilted recently. I haven't told them about my boyfriend, because the last time I mentioned seeing someone to my mom, she was so cold that I just didn't want to deal with her anymore.

I am so happy right now with where my life is, compared to a year ago, and I wish that I could share that happiness with my parents in a way that they could appreciate. It would be easy for me to say "this is their problem, not mine" and feel superior, but I think I am going to have to swallow my pride and work with them through this, even if the conversations are going to be terrible and make me feel horrible.

Parents Just Don't Understand

Off the topic of arrests, dating, and general relationship confusion...

Since I lost my phone, I called my parents to let them know that my old number wouldn't work for a bit, and not to freak out, and I ended up talking to my Mom. Eventually, discussion about my job, family members' health, and the weather dried up and we were left with nothing left to talk about but me.

Like I said, my parents have recently seemed ok with things finally... My mom mentioned she was coming to NY in the fall with one of her sisters, and it occurred to me that I haven't come out to any of them. I asked her if she was comfortable with me starting to tell some of her sisters and brothers, and she just stayed quiet. Finally she asks "How sure are you about this? Are you sure you're not bisexual?" Sigh. #momfail.

But whatever, I told her I was sure, and blah blah blah and we got back to talking about her trip. Then she asks me if I'm dating anyone. Now... ok... maybe I'm expecting too much, but here is what a normal parent/child conversation about relationships is supposed to go, if I'm not mistaken.

Mom: Are you seeing anyone special?
Child: Yeah, kinda.
Mom: What's his/her name?

And here's how mine went:

Mom: Are you seeing anyone special?
Child: Yeah, kinda.
Mom: So you're not being promiscuous?

So I get that she is concerned about my health and great, but it kind of depressed me that she showed no interest in really finding out about what's going in my life, and clearly doesn't want to hear about any specifics. And I'm not going to go forcing it down her throat or anything. Still, it does bother me because I used to be pretty close to my parents and now that is strained. Obviously my expectations for them might have been to high, but I would like them to be interested in my life, and be happy for me when things are going well... I guess I'm worried it's going to be like this forever.

Oh well. I'm getting that out of my mind. Gay Pride this weekend, and while I'm missing big chunks of it to probably pick up trash on the West Side Highway, I still plan on enjoying the rest of it.

Happy Pride everyone!