Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Turn your head and cough... it's time for sex history.

So PlanetX asked me asked me about my past gay experiences, and the answer is almost none.

So I mean, as far back as I can remember, I was always more interested in looking at naked guys than naked girls. As a computer saavy kid, it was easy to find sites catering to gay men, and I was fascinated with every aspect. I would spend hours reading gay stories from newsgroups (some very good and some very, very bad).

I guess the one homosexual experience I had growing up was this one time I brought playboys to a friends house when I was sleeping over, and we jerked off together. I'd never seen another guy's dick in real life. At one point, he turned to me and asked if we should try giving each other blow jobs, and I was kind of stunned. First of all, the guy was one of my really good friends growing up, and second, I knew I wasn't attracted to him. So I just played it cool and told him I didn't wanna try it, and we just jerked off. The funny thing is, that guy came out in college, and though he had a pretty dramatic disowning by his really religious parents, they've since patched things up and he's doing really well.

Beyond that, I just tried to keep my head low. I had a few crushes on guys in high school, but I never really let myself pursue them, as I was terrified of being discovered. Which brings us to the:

I suppose the reason this whole thing went on for so long, is that I guess on the Kinsey scale, I'm not a full 6. I'm probably something like a 5, and it took me from the age of 16 to about 26 to realize that 5 was not close enough to 3 for me to be able to sustain it. I basically kept finding myself in situations where aggressive girls hit on me and I didn't have the guts or the decency to turn them down.

I had a steady girlfriend in High School, she basically asked me out a few weeks after I transfered to the new school, and we dated, but we never went further than oral sex. So yes, I ate pussy, and no, it's not that bad. The thing is, the entire time we dated, I made a conscious effort to stop the gay stuff. I deleted all my computer porn and scrubbed the hidden bookmarks file I had with all my gay interest sites. Other than a few moments of weakness, I tried to be a good straight boyfriend. We split up because in the end we just weren't that into each other, for various reasons.

My first sexual relationship with a girl was Freshman year of college, where we met outside a frat party and she complimented my shirt. Like I said, I had trouble turning down aggressive women, particularly in front of friends, so I ended up hooking up with her that night. We fooled around for a few months, and all I remember mostly is that she gave the fucking worst hand jobs in the world. Eventually we progressed to full intercourse, and the whole time I had to think about male torsos I'd seen on the internet to stay hard. We fucked a few more times, and it eventually came out from a mutual friend that she was still seeing her ex-boyfriend back at home; it was almost a relief to have an acceptable reason to dump her.

So for the rest of college and a few years after, I dated girls, but never let it get serious enough to get physical beyond making out and some fooling around. My second sexual experience came when I was actually out of the country for work in Canada. I was put up in a hotel for a week, and somewhere between boredom and loneliness I got picked up at a bar near my hotel and we went back to her place. Of all my sex experiences with girls, this was probably the easiest for me, as there was no pressure if I couldn't perform; I'd never see this girl again. So it wasn't terrible, but again the whole time I had to think of dicks.

The thing about New York is that after a certain time, the fact that I was a reasonably attractive, professionally successful single man with nice shoes did not go unnoticed by my single female friends, and female friends of my coupled friends who were desperate to match everyone up. It really got to the point where I would see a friend of a friend maybe making eyes at me, and I would think to myself "Oh god, am I going to have to fuck her?" I got set up on dates with some really attractive, successful, and great women, and I had to find a way to end dates early without triggering the suspicions of my friends. In retrospect, it is probably one of the meaner things I've done.

My last sexual experience was on my birthday three years ago, when a friend of a friend was in town and came to my party. Pretty much everyone I knew was there, so when this cute girl asked me to dance, I couldn't say no. Eventually we ended up at my place, and between the booze and my complete lack of sexual interest in her at this point, I wasn't even able to stay hard. It was basically a disaster, and my only saving grace is she was too nice to tell our mutual friend about it.

So the last few years I've just avoided emotional and sexual contact at all pretty much. I used the aforementioned tactics to dodge set-ups, all the while denying my homosexuality to the one or two people that asked me about it. I was still consuming gay porn from the internet at a voracious rate, and I was too terrified to list my picture on a profile for gay dating for fear of being discovered. At one point I found myself responding to a craigslist ad for anonymous sex with a guy who was cheating on his girlfriend. When I think back on it now, it was probably one of the most ridiculous and dangerous things I can think of- I gave this complete stranger my address and waited for him to come over. He actually never showed up but I really think it was for the best.

I wonder if I had allowed myself to go down the other path, if I'd have ended up eventually an old Republican Senator, tapping on bathroom stalls. Hey, they gotta start somewhere.

* Oh, I almost forgot, but I have kissed exactly 2 guys in my life. The first was four years ago at a spin the bottle party in Brooklyn. The second was a random guy in Austria.

No comments:

Post a Comment