More Parental stuff...

This is kind of a continuation of the last post. I think the reason why the whole coming out stuff has come back into the fore is that I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with my parents recently, and how it has changed.

Last week I got a call from one of my close friends who lives in SF who was in tears. Her mother was diagnosed with an incurable, terminal illness, and has only months left to live. In addition to being heartbroken for her, it also just reminded me the recent loss of my grandmother. We talked for a long time, and I tried to keep a brave face on the phone, but as soon as she was off the phone, I broke down from all the emotion.

I feel like it would be a disservice to my grandmother and my friend if I didn't take this as a call to action of my own. I love my parents, and I am lucky to have them in such great health. I really wish I could just call them up and talk, but it has been so stilted recently. I haven't told them about my boyfriend, because the last time I mentioned seeing someone to my mom, she was so cold that I just didn't want to deal with her anymore.

I am so happy right now with where my life is, compared to a year ago, and I wish that I could share that happiness with my parents in a way that they could appreciate. It would be easy for me to say "this is their problem, not mine" and feel superior, but I think I am going to have to swallow my pride and work with them through this, even if the conversations are going to be terrible and make me feel horrible.

Incomprehensible

Earlier this week there was an episode of Glee in which a kid comes out in High School and is accepted by his peers for his confidence and individuality. Today the NYtimes magazine had a piece about coming out in middle school which is completely incomprehensible to me. I'm amazed at these kids today, but at the same time I have to be a little bewildered by it. I know everyone's different, but honestly at the age of 12? I don't think I even knew what gay was. I probably wasn't really aware of my own sexuality (especially to have the confidence to rule out bisexuality or just being a phase), until I was at least 15.

I actually don't think I had my first crush on a boy until 16 actually. Up until that point it was just pretty pictures on the internet.

Regardless, it's nice to know that the younger generation is more accepting. I can't help but read these stories and wonder why I couldn't have had the balls to come out when I was in high school, or at least college, and if my life would have been less miserable. While I'm sure that is true, it also comes with the realization that I would be a very different person today, I would definitely have different friends, and everything about me would have been affected. And I like who I am and where I am, so I guess all things considered, it all worked out for the best.

It's 1AM

and I love him.

I mostly only get to see him on weekends. We'll usually spend one night in the week together, but other nights we talk on the phone. We said good night about half an hour ago. I was just lying here in bed trying to go to sleep and all I want to do is call him back and tell him I love him again. It's too late and he's probably already asleep.

So I'm telling you.

Business as usual

After we had exchanged 6 words total, I was worried that things would change. I'm happy to say that things haven't! Everything's been pretty awesome. We spent all weekend going to friends' birthday parties, and the awesome thing is that I really like his friends and my friends really like him, and it's all a lot of fun. It makes for a crowded social calendar, but I can't complain.

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Well, I can't say nothing has changed. I find myself grinning stupidly at times. I went shopping after yoga today and I almost bought these ridiculous heart-shaped ramekins:



I had a momentary vision of baking eggs for him on a Sunday morning. Then I snapped out of it and turned and ran. Barf, right?

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I wish I had more pictures to share with you guys other than the vomit inducing ramekins. One of the bday parties we went to was for one of his gay friends and it was at a Gogo Bar in the East Village. It was super fun. At one point, I got Chris to slip a dollar into a gogo boy's underwear, which he did but he made a face. Hehe. There was also this IMPOSSIBLY endowed gogo boy that we spent all night just trying to figure out the physics of it. He let one our female friends actually reach under his towel and touch it at one point, and she assured us it was all-too-real. I am going to have nightmares about that one. Seriously, I wish I had pictures. It was like, beyond porn.

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Speaking of which, the porn thing came up again, although very casually. I was at his place, and his porn on his computer is just right there, next to his downloaded episodes of "Mad Men". So first of all, I was relieved that it was pretty much the same stuff I looked at. Nothing crazy; not exclusively Asian porn (which would have been a red flag). Second, I was struck by how open he was about it. Being closeted for so long, my computer porn is locked down like Fort Knox. They will find the lost city of Atlantis before they find my porn. I guess it struck me that I probably don't have to be as crazy cautious as I have been with it... But I probably still will be hehe.

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Anyway, things are going pretty great! The weather has been amazing, so I'm going to go meet the boyfriend for an outdoor bbq in about an hour.

Words

I drunk dialed him last night and he said it. At least I think he did. It was almost offhand.

I didn't say it back cause I was drunk.

I'm seeing him tonight.

Not sure if I'm gonna say it.

Sorry if this post is weird. I'm a little stunned and a lot hungover.

Oversharing topic: Ass

So um. It's time for me to admit that I'm a total hypocrite, in the oversharing manner that I normally do. Ok, let me start from the top.

[REDACTED for future modesty :/]

Bromance; Race

One of my big problems with blogging is that if I take a break for a while, all these things I want to talk about start piling up, and then when I finally sit down at the keyboard I want to give each topic that's been germinating it's fair share of time, but then the post becomes a monster. Well, here goes, I'll try to keep it succinct.

The Bachelor Party
This weekend was my friend E's bachelor party! I've known this guy for like 5 years now and he and his fiance are two of my closest friends in NYC now. They were the first NYC residents I came out to (Identified in this post as Friend Couple #1). Y'know though, after my parents, I think that one of the relationships that I feared would change most was the relationships I had with my straight guy friends. I always knew that they would be "cool with it" but I guess I always worried they would treat me different going forward. After this weekend I feel ashamed for not giving them enough credit. This weekend I was totally just one of the guys, and even though they all knew I was gay (even some of these guys that I never met before), it wasn't awkward, and it was fun. There was some ribbing about me sneaking off to gay bars, and they made me get a lap dance from a girl (which was actually fun, and she was a really good sport about it). Mostly it was just drinking and bonding, and mostly making the groom's life hell, cause that's what bachelor parties are all about right?

They even let me throw some beads at this guy underneath our balcony for showing me his ass, heh. Ah, New Orleans.

I did break away from the hetero-fest a few other times too, especially while they were getting series' of lapdances, to check out the gay go-go bars too heh. I figure if they get to see female strippers, I can see cute brazilian boys in their underwear. It was pretty much the same thing as up here, but I do think I attracted a lot of attention, both from the go-go boys, and the other patrons, just cause I was Asian. It was nothing untoward or creepy actually, but that and an offhand comment in one of letopho's recent posts got me thinking alot about my next topic which is:

Race
So I have been pretty sheltered, race-wise having grown up in California and living now in NYC, both of which have thriving Asian populations. I was a little stunned in New Orleans not seeing any Asians (except our group, which was predominantly so. For the most part it was fine, but there was some outright racism that I'd really never seen before, but my friend told me is really not uncommon in the south. At one point, a group of us (maybe 10 asian guys) were walking down the street, and this hot dog vendor stopped and bowed mockingly at each of us. It was offensive on this level I'd never even seen before; I would have told him off, but he wasn't even worth my time.

OK, I meant to write more about that, especially in the context of dating, but I'm tired now. More later.

Next Long Weekend

So this weekend isn't officially a long weekend, but I'm actually taking Friday off. A really good buddy of mine is having his bachelor party in New Orleans this week! He's straight, actually, and every other guy in the bachelor party is straight, but it should still be a fun time. While the focus is drinking, I'm sure there are a few titty bars on the agenda too. I actually took the liberty of writing down the names of a few gay bars in the area (I figure if these straight guys with girlfriends and fiances can see tits, I shouldn't feel guilty about seeing some of New Orleans' go-go boys, right?)- I've never been there, and I've heard they have some of the oldest legal gay bars in the country.

As it turns out, last week was some huge gay party there, which is just as well that I missed, lol. Anyway, this weekend should be fun, regardless!

Sleeping in fail!

OK. I'm having an amazing weekend, but it was slightly marred by the fact that I forgot to turn off my work alarm that goes off M-F so I woke up at 8 today. Chris was able to get back to sleep and I felt bad keeping him up by fidgeting in bed, so I decided to go to the bakery and get some stuff for breakfast. Only I got here and they open 2 hours later for labor day I guess...

So to recap the weekend... Chris slept over Friday and we didn't do much- we just played some video games. On Saturday we met up with some friends for brunch which somehow got turned into a whole day of drinking on my steps and then margaritas and then dinner. I also went to the Barney's sale and bought a really cute blue striped Hugo Boss suit for $450! I have like 3 more weddings to attend this year so I figured a new suit was in order.

Sunday was the beach day! I had never gone to Sandy Hook but it was definitely the nicest beach near NYC that I've been too. The ferry to get there is only 45 mins, but it is a little pricey at 40 bucks round trip per person. We brought our own beer, wine, and sandwiches, and we met up with my super good friends who were celebrating their 1 year anniversary that day! Chris and I had been joking all weekend about whether or not we'd actually take off our clothes, but honestly I never thought in a million years I'd do it. So when we got there, and I realized it wasn't all creepy old men (and there were actually some HOT guys), I just decided to go for it, and Chris and our friends eventually followed suit... or... lack therof. It was really funny at first, both the weird sensation of being totally naked on a windy beach, as well as the panorama of naked bodies of all shapes and sizes, but the novelty wore off and it just became comfortable. Toward the end of the day, we realized that the people wearing the suits actually stood out more than the nudes. SO MUCH FUN. We're definitely going back the first weekend of next summer! Here's the only photo of me I feel comfortable posting, heh. Feel free to be distracted by my beautiful friends in the background.

We got back and between all the alcohol and the exertion of swimming in the ocean and all the sun, we just passed the fuck out. I managed to rally to meet some friends for drinks that were visiting from out of town, but only for like a beer, and then we headed back home.

OK I'm dumb, I just realized that this bakery is closed for labor day. Bah. Uhh, here's another oversharing picture. Yup! That's Chris!

Last thoughts before the long weekend!

Long Weekend! So excited!

So I think we're going to go to this gay beach in NJ (Sandy Hook) on Sunday, and a bunch of our gay friends are coming too. I haven't actually decided if I'm going to go nude when we're at the optionally nude section, but just in case I trimmed my pubes :P. I had been getting a little lazy with that anyway. Only problem is I think I gave myself a hitler moustache... May need a touchup...

Other thing... I think I'm gonna give Chris my key. No big deal right? It seems like a big deal when I think about it sometimes. Oh well. Onward!

Do you share your porn?

Do you share your porn collection with your significant other/boyfriend? Do you share your porn collection with anyone?

I kind of think it would be hot to watch porn with my bf, but then again... LIST OF ANXIETIES! GO:

1. having just come out this year, it's also something that I kept such an intensely guarded secret, I think it would make me anxious having someone else looking at my collection.
2. I also wonder if my porn collection reveals any subconscious biases... For example I don't have a lot of Asian representation, but part of that is kind of that there's not a lot of Asians in porn to begin with.
3. I would also worry that he would infer things about my preferences based on the movies and the guys in them. I think the worst thing would be if he felt like I was more turned on by the guys in the porn than him.
4. The truth is, I haven't been watching that much porn since I came out really; I haven't really needed it like I used to... but I still download some of the vids from my old favorite sites, almost like keeping up with and old friend, lol. I'd also hate for my bf to think that I've needed them to jerk off with these past 3 months, cause I've probably only jerked off like... twice in the past 3 months. (On a digression, I have no guilt about jerking off in a relationship or anything lol, I just haven't really needed it or felt like it). Augh TMI again?

At some level I think it would be funny/hot, but like everything... I freak out thinking about this kind of stuff. And I can't pass up the opportunity to make another list.

Oversharing Friday

I knew I couldn't stop oversharing for long. This one I'm pretty proud of.

Actually that just totally reminded me of another thing I was going to share. This morning at the Starbucks near my house, I was ordering my coffee, and I realized with a little bit of a shock that the cute Asian barista guy was totally flirting with me. I go there pretty often, and I had kinda gotten a flirty vibe with me in the past, but this time he was totally overt about it-- like he had remembered my drink order from last time, and teased me about ordering a banana... Well, anyway, I mean, he's a cute barista in Chelsea, and I'm sure he gets hit on a billion times a day, and he probably just flirts with everyone, but I had forgotten how flattering it is. I guess that's one of the things that I miss from being single, the ego stroking you get from a total stranger showing interest in you. I am getting plenty of ego stroking from Chris though, so it all evens out. Anyway, the point of this story I guess is that this cute barista was flirting with me. Not gonna do anything, but it is still nice. Heh.

Upcoming weekend plans

On a lighter note now, things with the bf are going really great.

We've gotten into a routine now where we meet at my apartment mid-week once or twice and cook dinner, watch TV, and have sex. I talk to him pretty often every day, either on IM or on the phone. Then on weekends, he'll come over here or I'll go over there and we'll hang out all weekend.

With the long weekend coming up, we toyed with the idea of doing a short vacation; I actually called a few B&B's in Fire Island, but they were all booked on such short notice. I think we'll maybe try to do that in September. Instead, we're going to staycation in Manhattan or Brooklyn, and do a beach day trip to either Sandy Hook in NJ, or Cherry Grove on Fire Island for all of Sunday. I think I'm kinda proud of myself for not getting freaked out about a vacation together like I have about everything else.