So I think I've read through like a hundred blogs tonight, and it's so unbelievably comforting to hear other people verbalize the fears and assumptions and all my stupid shit that is flying through my head right now. I have so much I want to put down here and don't even know where to start.
On Having The Revelation
I don't know if everyone has this moment, but I had a moment on my birthday at the end of last year where it hit me that I have to come out, I have to fix my life. The revelation came as a result of a bunch of factors. Cue a list (geez I think I have a list addiction):
First, I'm at that age where my really close friends are all getting married, and it's not about me worried about being lonely so much, as me seeing two people genuinely in love; I think a long part of my delay comes from a deep-seated cynicism that is kind of par for the course in New York. I don't know if I actually believed in love, but I think I'm starting to come around to it...
Second, my Grandmother is really sick; to be honest I think she has only months to live. She had a stroke last year and can't really talk anymore, but I had a moment when I was visiting her in the hospital right after New Year's, and she held my hand and was trying to tell me something. I still don't know what that is, but everything about it was screaming to me that I had to fix my life right then and there.
On Coming Out
So I haven't come out to anyone yet, but there was a moment after Christmas where I almost came out to my Dad. As I mentioned before, after visiting my Grandmother in the hospital, I was completely overcome with emotion. My Dad was driving me back and I completely burst in to tears. I had the strangest sensation that I had to tell him everything right then and there, but I held my tongue. I don't know if this was a complete copout, but I was second guessing myself, and of course I was terrified, but I also didn't want to bypass my grief for my Grandmother by bringing other stuff into the mix. I dunno, it was a strange moment for me.
On Meeting Guys
Well, I always feel shallow when I talk about this kind of stuff, especially after the heavier stuff early in the post, but since I guess my attraction to guys is at the very core of this entire thing, I guess it's relevant.
So my one experience at a gay bar before "The Revelation" was in Austria last year. I was there by myself, and decided for my vacation I'd be true to myself and visit some of the gay bars there. Now, being temporarily out on a vacation is kind of terrifying in dimensions I hadn't even anticipated, the first being the language barrier of course, and the second being general touristy fears of shady characters. Still, I was pretty lucky cause in the very first bar I went to (Village Bar), I found some British and Australian expats who were all totally friendly and cool, and became my impromptu gay guides for the night. We ended up at this terrible club with awful music and horrible lights (it was called "Why Not") and it was honestly the most fun I've had in years. We spent the whole night drinking, making friends, talking to a few guys, and it was just an amazing experience. I have to think this was probably one of the most positive experiences I can attribute toward making my decision, so I guess it's not all just fear and anxiety.
I went to G Lounge in Chelsea on Friday for the first time, even though I've walked by it for years and always been curious. While it was definitely more stressful than my Austria trip, it was still exciting to be putting myself out there finally after obsessing about it for so long. I talked to this really cute guy in line, and I probably sounded completely high because I was so anxious, but he was a good sport about it, and we just shot the shit for a while and talked about other gay bars. Inside the bar, I had this strange feeling that this one guy was checking me out, so I went up to talk to him, and he gave me this attitude-face, so... I guess I was wrong there. Oh well. I was kind of mortified, and pretty drunk at this point, so I was planning on turning tail and getting out of there, but then these two really cute black guys (JJ and Shane? I think were their names) beckoned me over, and we started talking and talking; I didn't mention the whole newly coming out thing cause I wanted to sound kind of worldly, does that make me lame? Anyway, they were in a relationship together, and SUPER YOUNG (I don't think they were actually 21), but they were just awesome people to talk to and it was just great to have a real conversation for once, yknow? I should have probably exchanged e-mails or phone numbers, but oh well.
After that night out I think I'm going to try to be a little more proactive in planning to meet people, both to expand my network of gay friends, and to meet guys. I like computers, so I think I'm gonna be more bold in using tools like twitter and this blog to find places to go. I'm also gonna try one of those online dating sites. I'm kinda nervous about the traditional sites (like, here's my picture and my info, message me if you like me), as I'm not out to my friends yet, and it's just scary to think that that information would be floating out there, but I think I'd be comfortable doing one of those online speed dating sites. Is that crazy? Anyone have any recommendations?
A Billion Questions Unanswered
There's still so much I can't visualize about this process, but the blog is helping, I think.