Thursday, April 30, 2009

Brainpan Dump

Even though I'm no longer anonymous, there are some things that are easier to shout into a void on the internet than talk to you about with your friends. As I'm writing this post, I'm pretty uncomfortable, cause there's definitely stuff in here I'm not very proud of, and it makes me sound pretty crass, even though I think at heart I'm a romantic, idealistic guy. Still, here's me being honest:

I'm weird about sex
So while my last big update was about how smooth my life is going, and in general it is, there are definitely areas that I can work on. I think because I'm new and don't really know the customs, I keep accidentally sending mixed signals to guys I sleep with. So I've had anal sex with four guys so far now, and of the four of them, I've only kept in touch with one.

The first guy was basically a rebound. I had "dated" and hooked up with a different guy, but that guy was looking for a serious relationship and I just wasn't into him, so the same night that we "broke up" I met up with some friends at a bar, and I met this new guy who was in the same social circle. We were just talking at the bar and having a good time, but I didn't even think I was flirting-- at the end of the night he asked if I wanted to share a cab back, even though he doesn't live anywhere near me. I was a little drunk and a little horny so I said yes. He came back to my place and we fucked, and it was the first time I'd ever been penetrated (god that sounds so clinical). It was pretty painful, but I was prepared for it. Anyway, given that it was a drunk hookup at a bar, and I really had nothing in common with this guy, I thought it was hoping it would just be a one night thing and I'd leave it at that. Still, I think I sent mixed signals by letting him stay over, offering him a toothbrush, offering him food and whatnot-- maybe I'm wrong, but these all seemed like common courtesies in straight world, but I don't know if they were meant to carry over to gay world. Anyway, about two hours after he leaves my place the next day, he tries to add me to facebook, which first of all I'm just not a fan of anyone adding me to facebook when they've only met me once, and second of all, I had spent the whole night talking to him about how this guy I had been dating had been too clingy. I ignored the facebook invite, but he texted me again that same day. This is totally immature of me but he was the first guy I ever slept with, and it was painful, and I didn't know how to deal with any of it, so I ignored the text too. The weirdest part was about a month later, he found my adam4adam profile, and messaged me there! That's when I had to just let him know I wasn't interested in anything further with him, and I sent him a message through that site telling him so, and I left it at that. I wish that had been the end of it, but I'm a little ashamed to say I saw him at a club the other day and I pretended not to see him. I kind of wish I had been more mature and said hi just so it wouldn't be awkward (we have mutual friends) but then again, I don't think this guy and I were communicating on the same wavelength, so maybe it's just best that I keep my distance.

The second guy I met at a bar and we had some sexual chemistry, but again very little in the way of personal connection- still, I was eager to get more sexual experience, and I think he was cool with that. I was still a little wary from my first bottoming experience, so I topped the first time. This guy didn't spend the night, and I think we were both upfront and clear about what we wanted, and that's why we were able to stay in contact. We met up again about a week later and I bottomed, and he was really patient with me and I really enjoyed the experience. We hooked up a third time about a week later, and I still keep in touch with this guy. I think it's probably a good example of a pretty functional fuck buddy relationship.

The third guy I met on manhunt, and we just met up at a bar, and then went back to my place and fooled around. I wasn't really sure I wanted to have sex with someone I just met, so we just messed around that night, but we met up again the next night and he topped me. I really enjoyed this one too. Neither of us really expected more, and I haven't talked to him or heard from him since then.

The fourth guy was from adam4adam, and we were just messaging one day after work and decided to meet for drinks. Now the thing about this guy is that I knew from the moment I met him that I wasn't really going to be that into him. He just wasn't my type. Still, I was really horny and I ended up sleeping with him that night. It kind of became a repeat of the first guy all over again; he kept texting me after (like... 3 times the same night after he left my place with no response from me), and it was a big turn off. Also, the sex just wasn't that good.

Basically I feel like when I've had unemotional sex, then right after it happens I just feel kind of guilty about myself and I want the guy to leave so I don't have to deal with it. It's really not healthy. I really think I just need to stop hooking up randomly and try to actually date guys. I don't really regret these experience building encounters I've had, but as with everything else in my rapid education, I think it's time for me to grow up.

I'm a slutty drunk
Hm, I guess that would be kind of obvious from the previous section, but I often cringe when I recall my actions from the night before when I'm drunk. I tend to get really physical with guys and I will make out with guys at the drop of a hat when I'm drunk. It's not a good thing, and not something I should be proud of.

Related to the previous two: I don't think I'm one of those gay guys who can hook up with their friends like it's no big thing
So, my friend Alex is a super good friend of mine, and one of the first gay friends I had after I came out. He is just an awesome, funny guy, and he was a great support to me during my coming out and introducing me to the gay scene. One night we were just drunk and texting each other (and I was a little depressed about unrelated work stuff) and I think he instigated it but our texts got kind of flirty. One thing led to another and I basically invited him over to fool around. Long story short, it was kind of like with the other guys- as soon as I came, I kind of wanted him to leave, and I felt really guilty about it. I did end up letting him spend the night, but I just felt awful and I don't think I slept well that night at all.

I was really worried I had just fucked up our friendship, which really sucked- I think I was cagey and avoided him for about a week. Finally our mutual friend's birthday came up, and I saw him there, and we ended up having a great time and everything was back to normal again. The other day, I wanted him to come out to a really late party, but he mentioned that because his place was so far, he would only be able to come to the party if he could crash at my place (this is true, he lives really far). I think old me would have just dropped the subject, but I decided that I really wanted to keep Alex as a friend and not let anything stand between us, and so I brought up with him my anxieties and how I thought hooking up was a mistake, and he was TOTALLY COOL about it. We ended up having a great time at the party, and he slept over at my house with no funny business and no anxiety.

On the plus side, I now have a really close friend who has already seen me naked so I had him critique my manhunt profile :P.

I'm all about the kissing
I'm just all about kissing. That is what gets me. If someone can't kiss well, I can't even think about getting in bed with them.

Oh and here's a WTF moment. So at that party I went to with Alex, there was this one guy who I kept meeting eyes with all night and was kind of cute, and at one point we ended up talking and exchanging numbers (and I was drunk so I was really flirty and touchy... cause i'm a slut). Anyway, he texted me that same night, and then again that next morning! Then he asked if he could add me to facebook (and like I said above... I'm pretty guarded about my facebook) but I said fine because I figured it wouldn't hurt to see more pictures of this guy in different lighting. However, when I got the invite I clicked over to his profile and he is IN A RELATIONSHIP. UGH. Honestly I have no problem with guys in an open relationship (although it's not for me, and I will never hook up with anyone that I know is already in a relationship because that's drama I don't need), but seriously if you're just trying to hook up with a guy, why all the texting and chasing? Why add me to facebook?? I don't understand some guys.

I'm gonna try to date date
So after all that, I really think it's time for me to grow up a bit and try to go on some date dates. I'm seeing that cute guy from last Friday at a mutual friend's party tomorrow and I'm SOO excited. I'm like a stupid 15 year old schoolgirl. I actually e-mailed him on Monday to see if he was coming on Thursday and he replied saying he was coming and "I'm looking forward to seeing you again." I think i may have actually squealed. I know. I actually picked out a shirt to wear on Thursday after doing my laundry and set it aside. That was on Tuesday... Seriously, I know.


  1. some people end up mixing sex with emotions and that just gets messy. but i think its a good way to learn how to deal with these things. the whole messing around with friends thing is wierd, like messing around with your brother.

  2. I know... I dunno why but when I was closeted, I always thought gay friends would be able to hook up with no strings attached. FALSE ADVERTISING! lol.

  3. omg.

    You are experiencing gayness in hyperspeed. But it's good because you're mature about it. Experiencing everything without seconding guessing and looking into things too deeply.

    Love it.

    Have fun!

  4. hehe "gayness in hyperspeed" makes me think of just fast forwarding a lady gaga video.

    and I think my online hookup experiences have been kind of similar to yours. i did it for the experience, and knowing what I was getting into and not really that into it after all. it was fun, but now I know I want something real.

    still, the sites are fun to look at though :P