California Gurls

WeHo

On my last trip to california, I got to hang out in LA for a few days, and I met up with prolific gay asian blogger letopho! We took two pics together, and though I thought the one above looked better, I'm including the second one:

because you can see the gogo boy's crack, and it looks like there's some strange going down in the photobooth.

Weddings

I also met up with a friend who moved from NY to LA with his bf of 10 years, and they are one of those couples just waiting for gay marriage to be legalized in California now. For their sake I hope it's soon. We ended up talking a lot about gay marriage conventions, which were all new to me since I have never been to one. Topics were things like:

• He said both grooms are supposed to wear white? That sounds awful.
• I asked, who do you dance with? Your mom or your dad?
• Do you have groomsmen or bridesmaids or both?

Obviously the answer is "whatever you want", but it's fun to talk about.

Neither of us had been to a gay wedding, but our friend had been to a lesbian wedding and said they retained most of the traditional elements, except for things like a bouquet toss.

Also, on a somewhat related note, a female friend of mine has asked me to be a "bridesman" at a wedding next year. Is that a thing? Oh well I'll let you know how that goes.

Ghey

So one thing that kind of shocked me in California, and maybe this is just a weird sampling, but I heard 3 grown adults, completely educated, and otherwise non-homophobic people say "That's gay" in conversation. I really can't remember the last time that I heard anyone over college-age in NYC say that. Is that actually ok to say in California, or maybe are people in NY just better at censoring themselves around me?

In one case, a girl said it, and immediately corrected herself awkwardly, unfortunately with "I mean, retarded". /facepalm.

In another case, my friend's ex said it, and she immediately challenged him on it (which I'm glad she did, because it would have been awkward if I had done it, as I barely knew him and he was giving us rides all over town), and he got a little defensive about it.

I'm not super-soapboxy about it, but I more surprised to hear it at all, more than anything else.

Castro!

Hehe, at the suggestions of some friends, I checked out some bars in the Castro tonight on my last night here in SF.

I went to Q bar, which was having Ladies Night, which was appropriate because I was meeting 3 girls there, and they actually got some kind of drink special which was a good way to start the evening. We left when the cute barback took our table away, and the music got too loud to talk.

We went to Toad Hall, but it was kinda dead. Our friends chatted up the bartender who they knew and was kinda flirty with me, but it wasn't worth staying at, so we moved on.

We ended up at Badlands, where we were trying to find their friend a "Pocket Gay" (from what I can tell, this is a twink, just with a better name), and we danced the rest of the night away. Now I have to get up in 5 hours for a conference call. Ugh, now I remember why I hated being single and going out on weekdays before. I'm old.

Visiting SF!

I took this picture as I was walking through the Castro today, but honestly I haven't had a chance to go to any of the places that have been recommended to me (thanks letopho!). Between work, catching up with friends, and family functions, I've been swamped!

I have to say I do love how cruise-y SF is. You definitely get this vibe when guys are looking you over more in this city than in NY. I'm not looking, but it's still flattering :). I'd like to think it might be because I've been working out more recently (probably gonna post more on that later).

Hoping to check out some gay bars, maybe go-go bars, before I leave?

Bromance; Race

One of my big problems with blogging is that if I take a break for a while, all these things I want to talk about start piling up, and then when I finally sit down at the keyboard I want to give each topic that's been germinating it's fair share of time, but then the post becomes a monster. Well, here goes, I'll try to keep it succinct.

The Bachelor Party
This weekend was my friend E's bachelor party! I've known this guy for like 5 years now and he and his fiance are two of my closest friends in NYC now. They were the first NYC residents I came out to (Identified in this post as Friend Couple #1). Y'know though, after my parents, I think that one of the relationships that I feared would change most was the relationships I had with my straight guy friends. I always knew that they would be "cool with it" but I guess I always worried they would treat me different going forward. After this weekend I feel ashamed for not giving them enough credit. This weekend I was totally just one of the guys, and even though they all knew I was gay (even some of these guys that I never met before), it wasn't awkward, and it was fun. There was some ribbing about me sneaking off to gay bars, and they made me get a lap dance from a girl (which was actually fun, and she was a really good sport about it). Mostly it was just drinking and bonding, and mostly making the groom's life hell, cause that's what bachelor parties are all about right?

They even let me throw some beads at this guy underneath our balcony for showing me his ass, heh. Ah, New Orleans.

I did break away from the hetero-fest a few other times too, especially while they were getting series' of lapdances, to check out the gay go-go bars too heh. I figure if they get to see female strippers, I can see cute brazilian boys in their underwear. It was pretty much the same thing as up here, but I do think I attracted a lot of attention, both from the go-go boys, and the other patrons, just cause I was Asian. It was nothing untoward or creepy actually, but that and an offhand comment in one of letopho's recent posts got me thinking alot about my next topic which is:

Race
So I have been pretty sheltered, race-wise having grown up in California and living now in NYC, both of which have thriving Asian populations. I was a little stunned in New Orleans not seeing any Asians (except our group, which was predominantly so. For the most part it was fine, but there was some outright racism that I'd really never seen before, but my friend told me is really not uncommon in the south. At one point, a group of us (maybe 10 asian guys) were walking down the street, and this hot dog vendor stopped and bowed mockingly at each of us. It was offensive on this level I'd never even seen before; I would have told him off, but he wasn't even worth my time.

OK, I meant to write more about that, especially in the context of dating, but I'm tired now. More later.

Next Long Weekend

So this weekend isn't officially a long weekend, but I'm actually taking Friday off. A really good buddy of mine is having his bachelor party in New Orleans this week! He's straight, actually, and every other guy in the bachelor party is straight, but it should still be a fun time. While the focus is drinking, I'm sure there are a few titty bars on the agenda too. I actually took the liberty of writing down the names of a few gay bars in the area (I figure if these straight guys with girlfriends and fiances can see tits, I shouldn't feel guilty about seeing some of New Orleans' go-go boys, right?)- I've never been there, and I've heard they have some of the oldest legal gay bars in the country.

As it turns out, last week was some huge gay party there, which is just as well that I missed, lol. Anyway, this weekend should be fun, regardless!

The Rules

Letopho has post starting off on why some guys like straight guys, but it turns into an analysis of the rules we set up for ourselves and why we choose to break them. It's kind of like how you can make all these rules and assumptions for yourself, but when the right guy comes along nothing else really matters.

I was at a bar for cinco de mayo talking to my friend Alex and I found myself a little out of sorts. The thing about this new guy (I need to give him a name, and I've decided it will be "PokerFace")- the thing about PokerFace is he is super sweet. I get the feeling when I talk to him that he is in this for a relationship. As cool as that is, am I ready for a relationship? I just came out 4 months ago and I was just starting to have fun in the gay scene. While the one night stands were not really my thing, I was looking forward to going to Fire Island as a single guy, seeing New York in the summer as a single gay guy, and just having fun with my friends.

Then I remembered we've only gone on one date and I need to chill the fuck out and just enjoy life as it comes. We went to B Bar and had an awesome time. Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone!

Post-date report

So the date went really well! Maybe too well, lol. We'll see.

So we went and saw the movie last night- first things first, the Wolverine movie really sucked (major waste of hot actors). Still, it was just a pretext to go out with this guy and get dinner so for that reason, it's the best movie ever! After the movie, we got some thai food, and again, he just was super nice and cute. The other thing is I found even more things we have in common, like we play the same video games, and it was a little weird almost- like I don't want to date a carbon copy of myself, but at the same time it was also cool to just have so much in common with another guy.

Dinner was really good too, and during the meal we were talking about all these other places (he was suggesting places in Brooklyn and I was suggesting places in Manhattan), and at one point it was weird cause it kind of seemed like we were both shopping places for future dates. Maybe I was reading too much into it, heh. He paid for dinner cause I got the movie tickets, and I protested a bit cause dinner was so much more than the movie, so I said I'd buy drinks at the bar.

So we were in Chelsea, so I joked "I'm sure there's gotta be a place around here where two guys can grab a beer"-- god I'm a cheesy dork on dates. We ended up at G Lounge (I know I know, I go there too often)-

OK wait, I just realized I don't think I ever mentioned one important thing about this guy. So by some strange twist, this guy is actually the first guy I ever kissed. I know it doesn't make sense. I actually mentioned him once in passing already. Basically, the same friend who we met through last week had a party about 3 years ago, and there was a spin the bottle game in which straight girls and guys had already kissed, so when it was my turn to spin the bottle, I got this guy (who was already out), and I had to go through with it and kiss him and pretend I didn't like it and heh. It's cool, we've talked about it since then, and it was one of the icebreakers for us when we first started talking again last week or so.

OK so back to the date- we're at G having a good time drinking beers and sitting on a couch talking, and I'm kind of giddy and feeling a little silly so I chug my beer really fast and he gives me a strange look, and I give him a "hold on" sign. When I'm done with my beer I set the bottle down on the table on it's side, pointing at him, and I kind of smirk and ask him if it brings back any memories (I told you I'm a total cheeseball). He smiles and says "do you want me to kiss you"? So we end up making out at G lounge and it is really hot. I think we both have just been looking forward to this for too long. Then the moment of truth comes, and he asks me if we should go somewhere more private. Of course I am thinking of all your guys' advice but I just decided to live in the moment and I invited him back to my place (I made it pretty clear that I didn't want to go "all the way" though-- geez why do I use the euphemisms of a high school girl?). We make out on my bed for a while and it's pretty good and we end up sucking each other off and it is just really hot. Afterwards we cuddled for like an hour. I was kind of disappointed that he couldn't spend the night but he has work tomorrow, and admittedly, he does live kind of far from me so his morning commute would have been a nightmare.

So, that's pretty much it. I wasn't as chaste as I had hoped, but I had a really good time on my first date, and we have tentative plans to go out again on Thursday. I thought a little more about the waiting, and I rationalized hooking up on our first date by the fact that we've met up a few times in group settings that were... date-like, and it has been built up for both of us so much that it would have just been really frustrating to not hook up, but I kind of understand the waiting thing too now. I kind of would like to have him accept a second date without expecting a hookup, so I know he's really into me, but to be honest, after the first 3 hours of the date and the other times, I'm pretty confident that he is. Also, it's not like I gave away everything... that's for next weekend lol. Short story is I had fun and I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

Update...

OK... I'm a bad blogger. I come out, my life becomes pretty awesome, and I get too busy meeting cute boys to write stuff down here. I still have been following all the great blogs that I started reading when I was deciding to come out though, and I read this post from Doug and it just broke my heart because I was so there. It just reminded me why I wanted to start this blog in the first place- not just that I wanted to have a journal of my experiences, but that I felt like I had received so much strength from the online community, and that simply reading about other people going through the same thing as me back in January helped me get through a really rough time in my life. If writing stuff down here can help anyone else, then I kind of feel maybe I'm paying it forward.

So... where to start... since the last time I posted a billion things have happened, almost all of them incredibly amazing and postiive.

1) Coming out: Since I last posted, I've pretty much come out to all my close friends in all my social circles, the cousins I am close to, and my immediate co-workers. Everyone has been amazingly supportive, some have been not-so-surprised (my one friend said that she suspected it because I hadn't gotten laid in 3 years and I never complained about it), but what surprised me is how people open up to me after I come out to them. It even happens with completely unrelated topics- I think it's just that when I was in the closet people could feel this blocked off energy from me, and after I opened up to them, they opened up to me about their personal lives and everything. I have started to network in the gay community, and I have some awesome gay and lesbian friends now that I just have so much fun with when I go out. I have lived in New York for 11 years, and suddenly the whole city is new to me again. It's pretty fun.

2) The parents: Umm, I already just typed this story up as a comment on doug's post, so I think I'll just paste it here as a quote. Wall of text go:

Doug, I read your post and it just rang like a crystal bell in my head. I read about your nightmare and I just had chills down my spine because I was totally there too. I'm also Chinese, originally from California, with religious parents/family. I identified myself as gay around 14 or so, and I just put it away in a box and decided it was something I could never have. I actually just came out and started dating men in February (at the age of 29), and I came out to my parents in March, so it was all very sudden. And honestly, I'm not gonna lie, coming out to the conservative Chinese parents was pretty awful.

First of all, they were visiting me (I live in New York now), and of course they had to stay in my apartment even though I live in a tiny studio, and cook in my tiny kitchen because that's what my Mom has to do. They were staying with me for 4 days and I decided I was going to come out to them in person so it had to be then. I came out to them on the second day, and they became just stereotypes. My Dad just decided he suddenly had to take some unrelated business phone calls and just tried not to deal with the situation. My Mom just stared at the wall and started crying. This was pretty much the whole first night. The second night, my Mom started asking me the really weird questions, like if I was molested as a child, or if this was because she was a working mother when I was growing up. On the third day, I decided I had indulged her hand-wringing and "why-me" questions, so I told her - "You can analyze my childhood and wonder what you did wrong as much as you want, but let's just be clear here-- what you're doing there is wishing that you had a different son. I'm what I am, and that's pretty much it." She was kind of sullen for the rest of the time, but my Dad actually surprised me and started saying the right things about how he wanted me to be happy and he wanted to be a part of our lives. My Mom and I were strained for a while after.

The really good part of the story comes last Sunday actually; my Mom just called me out of the blue to talk (we hadn't really spoken much since they were here) and she wanted to know how I was doing, if I was dating, etc. She said she wanted me to be happy, and then (and I quote) "and we want to make sure you're being safe in your dealings." I know it sounds horrible and mildly homophobic, but in the context it was really sweet. And also, I'm trying to convince my circle of friends to start using "dealings" as a euphemism for rough gay sex. (Usage: "I got dealt last night"). I'll let you know how that goes.

And I can't stress enough how important the support network is going into the coming out. If you have family members that you're out to before, like siblings or close cousins, having them to talk to before and after to temper the parental craziness is important. I had my brother and sister on speed dial during the whole thing, and they were awesome.

Anyway, sorry for the monster comment. I just wanted to let you know that the Chinese parent thing can go both ways. Of course they have had our lives planned out since we were 8 years old, and make dramatic proclamations whenever we veer from the path, but they do it because that's how they think it's the best way to show they care about you. When you do decide to come out to them, make sure you give them their space, but make it clear that it is not a negotiation and that it's something you are comfortable with. When you're coming out to them, it's because you love them and you want to share your life with them, and they will accept you for that

I am going back to Cali in May and that's going to be the first time I see them in person since they were here in New York, but I'm kind of thinking the worst is behind me. Like Doug, I used to have straight up panic attacks in the middle of the day, where a rush of images would come to my head and I would imagine my family and friends finding out about me, and there are days where it made me just want to double over and collapse. I don't have days like that anymore.

I've talked to a lot of my new gay friends about this, and honestly, no one has the "Lifetime Movie" coming out story where their parents are amazing and supportive. It's almost universal that your parents are going to disappoint you a little in this space, and that's just cause they're from a different generation and culture, and because they have such specific plans for their kids that suddenly change. I'm starting to have faith that my parents are coming around though, and I think they are going to be happy for me. I may hold off on the PFLAG t-shirts for a bit though...

3) The Sex... So... since the last time I posted, I've gotten around to meeting a lot of cute boys in bars and after 15 years or so of oppressed sexuality, I've definitely unleashed it in a pretty rapid way. Man, I have no idea how to type this without sounding like some big whore. Basically, in the urbandictionary vernacular I laid out in my blog comment, I've dealt, I've been dealt to, I've tried it all. It's been fun. I've been safe of course, and I'm kind of picky, but it has been so much fun :D. I don't know if I'm ready to go and type out every vein and detail, but maybe another time...

4) The Relationship... So, this is the hard part. On every dating site and "dating" site, they ask you what you're looking for and I have to think that if they're honest, pretty much everyone is looking for the same thing. It always bothered me when people said they're "looking for an LTR". I mean, an LTR is just an R that has lasted an LT. I think I would say that I am looking to meet guys to date, and that if I meet someone I really connect with, of course I'm going to continue dating them. Right? I definitely am a pretty monogamous guy though- I know I'm the exception here, but I just don't think I can be one of those people in an open relationship. I'm totally fine right now meeting guys and having sex without commitments, but when I do meet the right guy and we start dating, I'm not going to want to fuck other guys, and I'm thinking the right guy for me will feel the same. OK, so I've laid out my simple definition of a relationship prospect, and it took longer than I thought but oh well.

Well anyway, I kind of met my first relationship prospect on Thursday, but I probably messed it up. I was out with my super gay bestie Alex, who is teaching me how to vogue (!) and we were at this bar that has a gay night on Thursdays (Aspen). It was getting really fun around midnight, there were a lot of cute guys, and there were 2 for 1 drink specials. Anyway I'm getting us a round and walking them back to our table when a guy gives me the look, and I kind of smile back at him as I'm walking by and he tracks me a little with his head. He has great eyes and something about that look just made me happy. So, I bring our drinks and I talk to Alex and he tells me I should just go talk to that guy (and Alex also wants to meet his cute friend hah). I go over and kind of nudge his chair with my foot and when he turns around I introduce myself (I know, I know, I'm like a high school girl at a dance). Anyway, we get to talking for a while, and he's really funny and cute, and I'm a little drunk, and suddenly I grab his head and we start making out on the dance floor for a while. He makes it a point to say that he's looking for a relationship and not a hookup, and that's when I actually start considering it. I hadn't really been in "relationship looking" mode this whole time, but this is really the kind of guy I would want to date. I am a little embarrassed now that I have been sticking my tongue down this stranger's throat (BY THE WAY HE WAS A REAAALLY GOOD KISSER), but it is still fun. He give me his number and we say good night.

The next morning I woke up still smelling like his cologne. Why is that SO HOT? Anyway, I had to confer with my gay oracles and straight girl friends to decide how I was going to ask him out, and I was actually walking on air the whole morning (it didn't hurt that Friday here was absolutely gorgeous weather). It was kind of like I'd never felt before. I met up with one of my best girlfriends for lunch and we basically decided I should be direct and just text him and tell him it was nice to meet him and ask him out for Saturday Night. I was sitting there with my finger on the send button, and I realized that I wasn't going to feel the euphoria anymore as soon as I hit send. It was kind of sad, but I think I indulged myself long enough to take it in. Anyway I sent the message, and then I agonized for the next few hours- he finally got back to me after work hours, and he said it was nice to meet me too but he couldn't hang out this weekend cause he was busy with friends in town (AND HERE'S THE STUPID PART: I KNEW THIS. I MET HIS FRIENDS AT THE BAR AND THEY WERE VISITING AND I KNEW THIS). But what bummed me out is he didn't suggest a follow-up. If he was really into me, I think he would have said something to the effect of making plans in the future. I still replied that he should have a good weekend and that he should text me next time he's free, but I think it's probably over. I blew it, but I learned a lot (and I made out with a cute guy in a bar, I really am not complaining that much).

And the good thing is that last night I met another cute guy (a friend of a friend), and I think he may be into me. I'm kind of going to take this slow and let him make the first move... and maybe I'll wait til an actual date to stick my tongue down his throat. Maybe.

5) This is kind of unrelated, but I love Yoga! I think I never went before cause I thought it would sound too gay and blow my cover, but I've gone like 3 times and it's awesome (and lets be honest, it features hot guys in sleeveless shirts bending over). It's like an intense workout that makes you sweat and works your muscles, but when you're done with it, your spine is perfectly aligned and you feel like you've gotten a deep tissue massage and taken a nap. It's crazy good. I'm about to go to another yoga class in like 2 hours.


So, that's my super-omni update if anyone is even still following. Sorry I have been such a bad blogger, but my life has been a crazy whirlwind lately. Thanks for reminding me why I started this though, Doug, and best of luck in everything. I'm gonna try to post more regularly now, although now that I'm pretty much out, I think I'm just another gay guy on the internet heh... Maybe I should change the name of the blog.

Diff

So it's 3:30 on Friday night and I just got back from a very cruise-y gay club in New York with some friends. I guess a lot has happened since the last time I posted.

So of course the first thing on my mind these days is coming out. I have started telling my New York friends. For the most part, they have been less surprised than my friends back home and my family, I guess because they see me on a more regular basis, and had noticed my dating dry spell these past few years. It's been pretty rough on my schedule, but I've been pretty much scheduling dinners and brunches with friends wherever I can fit them in.

The rest of my time has been spent exploring the New York gay scene. I have started hanging out with my only gay friend in the city, who has been an absolute godsend. Not only is he giving me valuable advice about dating and sex that I really wouldn't be hearing elsewhere, but he also came out at a late age, and he is very helpful as a sounding board for all the stuff I can't tell everyone else or I'm scared to ask. He also has started showing me around the gay bars and clubs in NYC which has been really fun, even though I've been pretty shy. I went to two bars today, the first was pretty tame, just a bunch of guys in a room, and some friendly banter and glances everywhere. The second was a dark, cruisey bar full of shirtless guys making out. To be honest, I thought it would be scary, but it was pretty exciting. At one point a guy reached down my pants, which I wasn't really ready for, but was also fun in it's own way. I don't know if I'm explaining it right, it wasn't really as seedy as it sounds, but I definitely could have gone home with someone from there if I wanted.

It's not what I'm looking for now, but it's nice to know it's there. Maybe in the future. For now I'm definitely looking for something a little more wholesome...

One foot

When I was a kid I had a large hallway closet with a sliding door and a mirror along the entire face of it. If you slid the door open and positioned yourself halfway in the closet, your reflected image would complete the half of your body outside of the closet and you could perform visual tricks like make it look like you were floating. It was a stupid memory, but I remember spending hours with my sister doing this.

Anyway, I'm one foot out of the closet right now. I've told my siblings and two of my really close friends, and I'm just scheduling in more people to tell. It's kind of stressful cause I didn't realize that I'd want it to move this fast, and now I realize that my parents aren't visiting til the end of the month, and it's going to be three weeks of still trying to control this information. I really do want to tell them face to face, but I'm not sure if I can wait that long.

On the networking side... I am having some fun with OkCupid, gotten some replies back from some cute guys, and messaging them back. If anything, it seems like that site may be a little on the too-squeaky-clean end of the spectrum, but it feels pretty safe, and that's good for me right now. GayRomeo seems much more physically oriented, which would be fine, except it also seems really undirected. I am getting messages from escorts in Vegas and married guys in Ghana, which doesn't really seem like it's what I'm looking for right now.

I also went to another gay bar, this one as kind of a singles mixer, but the crowd was way older than I expected, and I still felt awkward so I didn't really stay that long. I am going to hang out with one of my gay friends on Thursday and we're going to go to a bar in Chelsea somewhere, so I'm actually really looking forward to that, if just to be able to start talking about all of this stuff face to face with another gay man.

Last post for the night I think

So I think I've read through like a hundred blogs tonight, and it's so unbelievably comforting to hear other people verbalize the fears and assumptions and all my stupid shit that is flying through my head right now. I have so much I want to put down here and don't even know where to start.

On Having The Revelation
I don't know if everyone has this moment, but I had a moment on my birthday at the end of last year where it hit me that I have to come out, I have to fix my life. The revelation came as a result of a bunch of factors. Cue a list (geez I think I have a list addiction):

First, I'm at that age where my really close friends are all getting married, and it's not about me worried about being lonely so much, as me seeing two people genuinely in love; I think a long part of my delay comes from a deep-seated cynicism that is kind of par for the course in New York. I don't know if I actually believed in love, but I think I'm starting to come around to it...

Second, my Grandmother is really sick; to be honest I think she has only months to live. She had a stroke last year and can't really talk anymore, but I had a moment when I was visiting her in the hospital right after New Year's, and she held my hand and was trying to tell me something. I still don't know what that is, but everything about it was screaming to me that I had to fix my life right then and there.

On Coming Out
So I haven't come out to anyone yet, but there was a moment after Christmas where I almost came out to my Dad. As I mentioned before, after visiting my Grandmother in the hospital, I was completely overcome with emotion. My Dad was driving me back and I completely burst in to tears. I had the strangest sensation that I had to tell him everything right then and there, but I held my tongue. I don't know if this was a complete copout, but I was second guessing myself, and of course I was terrified, but I also didn't want to bypass my grief for my Grandmother by bringing other stuff into the mix. I dunno, it was a strange moment for me.

On Meeting Guys
Well, I always feel shallow when I talk about this kind of stuff, especially after the heavier stuff early in the post, but since I guess my attraction to guys is at the very core of this entire thing, I guess it's relevant.

So my one experience at a gay bar before "The Revelation" was in Austria last year. I was there by myself, and decided for my vacation I'd be true to myself and visit some of the gay bars there. Now, being temporarily out on a vacation is kind of terrifying in dimensions I hadn't even anticipated, the first being the language barrier of course, and the second being general touristy fears of shady characters. Still, I was pretty lucky cause in the very first bar I went to (Village Bar), I found some British and Australian expats who were all totally friendly and cool, and became my impromptu gay guides for the night. We ended up at this terrible club with awful music and horrible lights (it was called "Why Not") and it was honestly the most fun I've had in years. We spent the whole night drinking, making friends, talking to a few guys, and it was just an amazing experience. I have to think this was probably one of the most positive experiences I can attribute toward making my decision, so I guess it's not all just fear and anxiety.

I went to G Lounge in Chelsea on Friday for the first time, even though I've walked by it for years and always been curious. While it was definitely more stressful than my Austria trip, it was still exciting to be putting myself out there finally after obsessing about it for so long. I talked to this really cute guy in line, and I probably sounded completely high because I was so anxious, but he was a good sport about it, and we just shot the shit for a while and talked about other gay bars. Inside the bar, I had this strange feeling that this one guy was checking me out, so I went up to talk to him, and he gave me this attitude-face, so... I guess I was wrong there. Oh well. I was kind of mortified, and pretty drunk at this point, so I was planning on turning tail and getting out of there, but then these two really cute black guys (JJ and Shane? I think were their names) beckoned me over, and we started talking and talking; I didn't mention the whole newly coming out thing cause I wanted to sound kind of worldly, does that make me lame? Anyway, they were in a relationship together, and SUPER YOUNG (I don't think they were actually 21), but they were just awesome people to talk to and it was just great to have a real conversation for once, yknow? I should have probably exchanged e-mails or phone numbers, but oh well.

After that night out I think I'm going to try to be a little more proactive in planning to meet people, both to expand my network of gay friends, and to meet guys. I like computers, so I think I'm gonna be more bold in using tools like twitter and this blog to find places to go. I'm also gonna try one of those online dating sites. I'm kinda nervous about the traditional sites (like, here's my picture and my info, message me if you like me), as I'm not out to my friends yet, and it's just scary to think that that information would be floating out there, but I think I'd be comfortable doing one of those online speed dating sites. Is that crazy? Anyone have any recommendations?

A Billion Questions Unanswered
There's still so much I can't visualize about this process, but the blog is helping, I think.