Recent News

Met up with one of my oldest friends from back home who just moved to NYC and came out to him. He was really supportive- wants to meet the boyfriend and everything, it was nice. It was cool to catch up with him, he's in a totally different line of work than me. He studied premed undergrad, but then went to music conservatories, and now he's in NYC trying to make his name as a jazz musician. It's crazy and ambitious and it sounds awesome. I went to see one of his shows last night too and it was great. I'm not really a jazz guy, but it definitely made my happy, which is all that matters, right?

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Everything with the bf is going pretty good. Saturday night after a friend's party I couldn't sleep so he stayed up with me for a long time and we just talked about everything. We talked about his life before New York, previous dating life stuff we'd never discussed, and just general history stuff. It was nothing special, but I still like getting to know more and more about him. Again I feel like such a cheeseball, but even right now when I think about him I have to smile. He makes me happy ;).

And we watched porn together on Sunday. It wasn't that weird!

Wedding Crap

So as you may know from the premise of the blog, I'm almost 30- and 30 is the age where your friends who are legally allowed to do so start pairing off in legally binding ways.

Here are all the things on my mind due to the weddings in a list because I like lists:

1. One of my good friends from college is getting married this Saturday actually- I'm excited! My old college roommate is coming into town with his girlfriend who I haven't met yet. I already came out to him but this will be the first time we've hung out, and of course he'll get to meet Chris. I'm not bringing Chris, mostly because I RSVP'd +0 way back before I even met him, and I know how much my friend has been stressing over flowers and seating arrangements and chairs, and it's also way too early. Still, we'll hang out the night before with the other guests in town, and maybe after the wedding too.
2. Two of my other super good friends are getting married in November, and due to my newfound status, I got invited to both the bachelor and bachelorette parties! While I probably would have appreciated the strippers at the bachelorette party more, I think I'm still suffering from masculinity perception issues so I am only going to be attending the bachelor party. It will be a little weird, as it will be me and 19 straight guys down in New Orleans, tossing out beads on Bourbon Street and going to strip clubs. If I get a chance, I may check out a gay bar down there by myself (it has the oldest gay bar in the US or something) just to see what it's all about, but of course, I'm going there to hang out with my friend, and really it's more of a drinking thing, and I'm all about that anyway.
3. So the corresponding wedding for those two is in November, back in SF. Now... these are two of my super good friends here and they have met Chris like 5 times now, and totally love him. Again, I already RSVP'd for this wedding +0 before I even met Chris, but I have a feeling my friend may ask me if I'm bringing him, and I don't know what to say there... This brings up a whole new set of anxieties which mandates a SUB-LIST !
   1. The wedding is still 4 months out, and Chris and I have only been dating for 3. Isn't there some rule about how you shouldn't make plans farther out than you've been actually going out? If not, there should be.
   2. Again, this couple has been stressed out about guests and I know they've even had to cut some close friends. I can't imagine them allowing me to bring someone I just started dating in favor of a friend they've known for years.
   3. Bringing a date to a wedding is kind of a serious step, and you can piece together from past blog post how good I am with serious steps...
   4. Beyond the drama of the serious step, it's actually during THANKSGIVING WEEKEND, and it's in SAN FRANCISCO, where my brother lives, and where my parents are going to be coming for THANKSGIVING DINNER with the FAMILY. WAY TOO SOON, RIGHT?

Bah, I always make myself stress out about these things too much. Bed now.

From 'dating' to dating

I figure now that I'm dating someone, it's as good a time as any to delete all those online dating profiles I hate anyway, and I figured now was as good a time as any for a gloves-off review of each site. This is basically going to try to be the comprehensive review I was looking for when I started online dating and I couldn't really find anywhere. [Update hehe as I was writing this I see gawker has done a cursory overview of the same sites... http://gawker.com/5320419/after-craigslist-and-manhunt-here-is-where-gays-will-get-their-clicks]

Overview

So in past posts I might have sounded a little down on online dating, but in all honesty I think it's great. A lot of my friends who don't drink and hate the "circuit" scene in general find it to be a really reasonable alternative, and it is embraced by the gay community in a way that is really unparalleled in the straight dating world. If I were in a more philosophical mood I might wax on about how the very stigmatized nature of our sexuality makes us de-stigmatize other practices that other people might find distasteful...

When I started I was a little shocked at how ruthlessly efficient the whole process could be, and that was probably the part I was a little less forthcoming with my straight friends when I described the process.

Sites

• Manhunt
  So Manhunt is the 800 pound gorilla in the gay online dating scene. Wait, that metaphor sucks- because everyone talks about it. While some people complain alot about Manhunt, due to its limited free functions, creepy ownership details, and the perceived destructions of gay social interactions, but I'm a pretty tech-happy guy, and I kind of see Manhunt as a very efficient system that people like to use, even in its free form, and it's really kind of easy to use and fun, if you don't take it too seriously.
  Pros: NUMBERS- at least in my area, MH has the widest userbase by far
  Cons: Seriously crippled free accounts- you can only send a certain number of mails per day and you can't view full resolution pics, which is almost a dealbreaker really.
  Statistics: I conversed with over 10 guys on this site, and met up in person with 4.
• Adam4Adam
  After Manhunt, A4A seems to be the next most recognized and popular system in my area, and the best thing about it is it's free to use. Also, it seemed like the user base was a little more diverse than manhunt.
  Pros: Probably the best non-pay services, including full res picture viewing and unlimited messaging.
  Cons: Limited to 3 photos per profile, which is probably not a terrible thing really.
  Statistics: I conversed with over 10 guys on this site, and met up in person with 3.
• Gay Romeo
  So I joined GR at the recommendation of my European friends; apparently in Europe it is a very good system. However, my experience with it was pretty bad; maybe it's the relative immaturity of the site in the US but many of the profiles are clearly fake (like they use photos of famous actors and models) and there doesn't seem to be any attempt to clean up these fake profiles. Furthermore, every single time I got contacted on that site I felt like I was getting some kind of phishing scam. I didn't really find anything worthwhile there.
  Pros: Ummm, it's good in Europe from what I hear.
  Cons: It's unusable in the US.
  Statistics: I didn't have any real conversations on this site, or meat up with anyone.
• OK Cupid
  So OK Cupid is not exclusively gay, but I found that they do have an active gay community. It is more oriented toward dating than hooking up, and some of my friends reported having great success with that site. I found the quizzes and profiles to be a little too limited, and to be honest, I think it was a little too wholesome for what I happened to be looking for at the time as a guy who just came out.
  Pros: Very nice interface, good userbase.
  Cons: High barriers to actually meeting people.
  Statistics: I conversed with about 5 guys, but it never really went anywhere.
• Lovetastic
  I don't really know what to make of this site- as I only used it for about a week. I saw a lot of ads for it and it seemed like it had a cool interface, but when I got on I found that it has some kind of reputation system, and until you get enough reputation you can only send one mail a day or something. Also, the userbase just seemed really small.
  Pros: Very clean, oriented at a wholesome audience.
  Cons: Weird point system; small userbase
  Statistics: I conversed with one guy on here, but it never went anywhere.
• Gay.com
  So gay.com is another big player in the online dating market, but compared to manhunt and a4a I found the crippled features of the free account to be the worst. You can't even view the thumbnails of the non main profile pics, and I just didn't understand the search functions.
  Pros: Large userbase
  Cons: Crippled free account
  Statistics: I conversed with about five guys on here, but it never went anywhere.

Other Resources

• Realjock
  So Realjock is not really a dating site, but it's a gay men's health and fitness forum that has profiles like a dating site. I actually found their workouts and stuff to be really good, but their forum is a little toxic- people are a little too forward with their prejudices and insecurities right off the bat, but it's not too bad if you know what your'e getting into. I would just read the forums with a grain of salt, and then it's actually a pretty good resource for health and fitness issues, particularly ones pertaining to gay men. I'm not actually cancelling my account there since I still use the forums for stuff like half marathon training suggestions and what not.
• Grindr
  Hehe, as silly as it is, of all the dating sites/apps, I will miss Grindr the most probably. It's pretty new, but grindr is a free application for the iPhone or iPod touch that is basically a super condensed version of adam4adam. You just pick one photo (usually taken arms length with the iPhone camera) and you can write one or two lines about yourself and that's it. Then people can browse profiles near them (using the iPhone's GPS) and you can chat people. It's not really a good system, but it is great fun, especially when your'e bored.
• DList
  So Dlist is also a bit of an enigma to me. When you join it, it definitely does seem like some of the other dating sites, except most of the profiles have public face pics, and it's definitely more of a social sharing platform than necessarily a dating site. In fact, it's like the gay myspace. I don't actually think many people are using it to hook up like mh and a4a but I dunno, maybe I'm wrong. Like RJ, I am not cancelling this account actually, since I've found it to be useful for non-dating stuff; I'm on a group there for a local DJ that I like, as well as a party promoter with some good events.

Conclusion

Gay men may complain about the shallowness of the online dating community but I have to say it is unparalleled in the straight world for its efficiency and directness. If you know what you're getting into, it can be a lot of fun. And stay safe out there, kids.

Another Long Weekend Update

So we spent all of the long weekend together- I was a little worried it would be too much, but now it's Tuesday and I kinda miss just having him around. God I feel like such a cheeseball. Basically I had three different friends throwing house parties all weekend, and I ended up bringing Chris to all of them, so he's met all my friends- I was a little nervous I guess, cause it's one thing to come out to your friends, and then another thing to bring around a guy, but they were all cool and my friends all got along great with him, which was awesome.

And uh, in regards to the technical difficulties mentioned earlier in the blog... those have been since remedied, apparently ;)

I've been planning a big post for a while, but it's taking forever to write, but I hope it will be actually useful to some people... maybe Thursday.

Dinner Date

Well, PF and I spent Saturday through Monday together, other than when I was doing my community service. He's coming over tonight and I'm cooking him dinner! Then we're going to a friend's bbq tomorrow, and I haven't really figured out what we're doing for the rest of the long weekend.

[UPDATE: Weird, I made this post but it never published]

Pride (In the Name of Love)

Heh, so I couldn't get out of my Community Service; they're pretty strict here with the sick days- you have to actually present a Doctor's note to get it postponed, and honestly, after everything that happened to me I didn't want to make waves.

Still, I was determined to make the most of my pride weekend regardless. Saturday after my service work, I got out around 8, met up with PF and got dinner in the West Village. We actually ended up going to the Stonewall Inn, which he had never been to; it was crazy crowded, but not uncomfortably so, actually- we ended up getting a stool at the bar and making out for a bit ;). It was a fun atmosphere in there, and it was kind of nice to get our weekend started at the place that started it all really.

Pretty much every other place in the Village was crowded beyond belief so we went up to midtown to meet up with some of my friends. We ended up at the Ritz- and I got to introduce PF to my good friend Alex; it was also the first time I got to meet Alex's new boy, so it was pretty fun for everyone. We ended up moving back down to the Village actually, and we ended up at The Hangar, which was playing some hip hop, and we drank a little more and danced a lot and it was super fun. I was pretty exhausted though, so I went home with PF and we just passed out. The next morning, we got up early to go to get brunch and then PF had to leave early to get back to his place around 11. I still had 3 hours to kill, so ended up catching up with some of my other friends who were getting brunch near the parade route and getting set up for the parade. I didn't actually get to see any of the parade unfortunately, but I did hang out in the crowd that was gathering around it and feel the atmosphere before I had to go.

The community service itself wasn't so bad- I actually ended up sweeping Times Square, which was kind of a trip, given that I work there during the day. I was a little nervous someone I worked with would walk by, but it was all cool. In fact, when you're wearing a blue jumpsuit and sweeping the floor in Times Square, no one really looks at you at all, which sounds dehumanizing, but it was welcome to me at the time. And as stupid as the whole thing was, I really feel like it could have been so much worse; sweeping up cigarette butts and flyers is a billion times better than the jail cell, and honestly, when I was blacked out I could have done so much worse- In the long run, one night in jail and 2 nights of community service is a small price to pay for learning my limits and hopefully avoiding any such craziness in the future.

Met up again with PF that night, with his co-workers again, who are always fun, and we just wandered around. They showed me the pictures they got to take at the parade, and while it looked like it was fun, it also looked like it had been really long and actually really commercial, which is a little sad. They did get some goodies handed out at the parade though, like a novelty spanking paddle and stuff, heh. We wandered to a few more bars but they were all really crowded to the point of spilling onto the street, and I was exhausted from the two days of work, so PF and I just went home. PF didn't bring any stuff to spend the night, so we ended up just talking a bit; I basically told him I felt like I had grown a lot in the past week as a result of everything that had happened to me, and that despite all the horrible stuff, and the community service, I had one of the most fun weekends I could remember. I asked PF if he still wanted to be my boyfriend and he said yes!

And this PF stuff is getting annoying. His name is Chris. :)

Parents Just Don't Understand

Off the topic of arrests, dating, and general relationship confusion...

Since I lost my phone, I called my parents to let them know that my old number wouldn't work for a bit, and not to freak out, and I ended up talking to my Mom. Eventually, discussion about my job, family members' health, and the weather dried up and we were left with nothing left to talk about but me.

Like I said, my parents have recently seemed ok with things finally... My mom mentioned she was coming to NY in the fall with one of her sisters, and it occurred to me that I haven't come out to any of them. I asked her if she was comfortable with me starting to tell some of her sisters and brothers, and she just stayed quiet. Finally she asks "How sure are you about this? Are you sure you're not bisexual?" Sigh. #momfail.

But whatever, I told her I was sure, and blah blah blah and we got back to talking about her trip. Then she asks me if I'm dating anyone. Now... ok... maybe I'm expecting too much, but here is what a normal parent/child conversation about relationships is supposed to go, if I'm not mistaken.

Mom: Are you seeing anyone special?
Child: Yeah, kinda.
Mom: What's his/her name?

And here's how mine went:

Mom: Are you seeing anyone special?
Child: Yeah, kinda.
Mom: So you're not being promiscuous?

So I get that she is concerned about my health and great, but it kind of depressed me that she showed no interest in really finding out about what's going in my life, and clearly doesn't want to hear about any specifics. And I'm not going to go forcing it down her throat or anything. Still, it does bother me because I used to be pretty close to my parents and now that is strained. Obviously my expectations for them might have been to high, but I would like them to be interested in my life, and be happy for me when things are going well... I guess I'm worried it's going to be like this forever.

Oh well. I'm getting that out of my mind. Gay Pride this weekend, and while I'm missing big chunks of it to probably pick up trash on the West Side Highway, I still plan on enjoying the rest of it.

Happy Pride everyone!

Shifting Gears

Do you ever feel like life is sending you a message? So sometimes when I'm writing this blog I'm happy for the kind of candor I can only have with strangers; I think I tell you guys shit that I wouldn't tell some of my closest friends, or just stuff I can't say out loud cause it's just what's in my head and it's too much to say to someone I know in person without changing everything. This post is going to be crazy but there's just no easy way to summarize what's happened to me this past weekend with any kind of grace, so here goes.

Saturday
I met PokerFace for dinner in Brooklyn on Saturday- we fooled around at his place first, went to this really cool local restaurant, then a bar to get beers, and then back to his place. I had been worried it might be awkward but it wasn't, it was a lot of fun, and it felt really comfortable. I spent the night at his place.

Sunday
We got brunch in the morning and I went home and did my run.

That night I met up with my gay friends downtown, and I kind of had a crush on one of my friend Alex's friends, so when he had to leave for a date, I hung around to chat up his friend a bit. That somehow led to me getting way too drunk. I don't think I did anything that embarrassing at the bar (that I can remember) but here's where the story goes nuts. I mean, I was drunk- like blackout awful drunk. And... when I came to... I was in lockup in a police station.

So my arrest I've pieced together from the officer's account, and apparently I was in some kind of shouting match with a cabbie, and somehow police got involved and I was refusing to pay the fare (it was $3.80!) and I got belligerent or something. Anyway, I guess I got processed and took a mug shot and I don't remember any of it until I was sitting in a lockup and getting fingerprinted. And I was stupid drunk.

They cuffed me again, and moved me to another precinct for overnight holding, and I was in a tiny cell by myself with just a wooden board and a metal toilet. They told me I would get processed in the morning and I should be out of there by 8:30. I fell asleep.

Monday
At 8 they woke us up with sausage biscuits and cokes from mcdonald's. Then they came and called people to go to the court to see a judge, and they called everyone except me. The officer said my paperwork must still be in transit, but that I should be out by noon at the latest. They said I couldn't make my phone call until my paperwork was processed.

I sat in that cell for hours; I read my property claim ticket front and back probably 10 times, and tried not to read the crazy grafitti on the cell walls from previous occupants. OK, I'm getting sick just describing it again, but basically it was hell. I had no concept of when I'd get out and as the time stretched on I was convinced my paperwork had been lost. The officer only came by every few hours, and he never had any details. I've never felt more disgusted in myself than at that moment. I had dark thoughts, which I just never want to face again.

At 3pm, they finally called me out, and put me in another lockup room with about 5 other guys also waiting for their court appearance. We were there for about another and a half. At this point, they served us more food, which I guess we were supposed to have gotten around noon, but they forgot, so they were cold hamburgers- it didn't really matter because I was starving.

Finally I met with my legal aide and he said since it was a first offense and such a petty charge, he would ask to have it reduced to an "ACD", which I forget what it stands for, but basically if I don't get arrested in 6 months, the charge is expunged from my record. I have to serve 2 days of community service, which is, unfortunately on this weekend... gay pride weekend here in NYC.

So the other thing is I lost my phone. Now I don't know if I lost it in the cab, at the bar, or if it was confiscated and lost at the police station, but that's that. It's just a phone, I'm not going to sweat it.

I got home, took a long shower, called my boss (who was more relieved to hear from me than mad, thank god), and then my BFF, who had sent me an email because she thought it was weird for me to not talk to her or respond to her texts.

Then I called PokerFace. I told him what happened and I was practically in tears. I asked him to come over. He came over and was just amazing. He just listened to my story without judgement, and was completely sympathetic and I mean, just awesome. We watched some stupid movies and tv shows, and ordered in some Indian food. I didn't think I'd be in the mood for anything, but after we made out a bit, and my mind was off the whole day, I got pretty horny, and just wanted to think of something normal, so we jerked each other off. We watched some more TV, and went to sleep, but I was having trouble- not only did things keep reminding me of the cell, but I also had bruises on my wrists from the handcuffs, and on my elbows and ribs, I guess from the arrest. I felt like a jerk for keeping him up, but he was totally understanding and eventually I did fall asleep. We woke up in the morning, took a shower, and got breakfast together.

Summary
So that was my weekend, including the worst night of my life that turned into the worst day of my life. And what have I learned? I need to fucking grow up. Enough with the binge drinking and pathetic attempts to win the meaningless approval of strangers.

More importantly... I know now that I don't deserve him, but I want PF to be my boyfriend. I almost blurted this out when he was staying over, and I started to think that when I tell him I want it to be special- and not some trauma-induced needy bullshit that doesn't mean anything.

So... like I said before- do you ever feel like life is sending you a message, and in a way that you just can't ignore anymore? I'm pretty sure the message I got is that I'm a fucking mess.

(no I can't read his) Poker Face

Ok so back to the actual story. PF comes over and I pretty much give the speech verbatim like I typed it out. [Alex C: I thought about doing it after dinner, but it was weighing on my mind so heavily I just wanted to get it off my chest]

He nodded a lot and said he understood that I was new to all this and wanted to try out more stuff before settling down, and he was comfortable moving slower. His actual paraphrase was "got it, you don't belong to anyone", which sounded a little more to the point, but... whatever works, I guess.

After the talk we went to a cool tapas joint in Chelsea, but there was a crazy wait so while we were waiting we walked up to the new High Line park here, which is awesome. Among other things, it's a really popular make out spot for gay couples, so... PF and I did that a bit. Then we went back to the restaurant and our table was ready- we got really good tapas and split a cheap bottle of Jumilla wine. It was really a great meal and conversation was great and everything. We got back to my place and had a really intense oral session that was really hot and took a shower together, and then went to sleep. Around 2am, though, I woke up a bit and noticed PF was still awake, and he said he was just having a bit of trouble sleeping, and around 5am I woke up again to him getting dressed. He said he just wasn't feeling well and thought he should head home, so I said ok and saw him out. The next morning I texted him to see if he was feeling better and he said he actually took the day off work, and it didn't have anything to do with the conversation or anything. I was as up front and honest as I could be with him, so even though I thought him leaving early on Wednesday was a little weird, I'll take what he says at face value; other than that everything on our date was great.

We have plans to get dinner tomorrow, and hopefully he'll have processed it all more and maybe we'll talk about it more, but despite the little apprehensions, I am still looking forward to the date!

An ominous portent?

Alternative Title: "Oops, I did it again".

[So all this stuff happened on Wednesday, but between having the talk, training for the half-marathon, and dinging 80 in World of Warcraft, I have no time to post!]

So a little background- during my posting hiatus at the end of february, the first guy I hooked up with was this guy I met at a bar and we hit it off, and whatever. He was a little younger than me (24), which given my 0 sexual experience seemed like a good match. On the 3rd date (we had fooled around but not had sex), he asked me "where is this going?" And knowing that I wasn't ready for a relationship, I told him I was just looking to fool around and not looking for a relationship, and he was, so things ended there. For the sake of anonymity we'll call him D.

So, I was prepping for my date and talk with PokerFace on Wednesday, and literally 10 minutes before PokerFace arrives, D calls me and is just chatting about his life and his work and whatever, and I'm totally confused. We've barely spoken at all since February, and he left cause he wants a relationship, and all of a sudden he's just calling me to hang out? Especially given that I was expecting PF over and was still going over the talk in my mind, I kind of just let him know that nothing had really changed since last time, but if he wanted to hang out as friends that would be cool. But... it was just weird timing right? This is pretty much the only other guy I've ever gone on more than 2 dates with, and the first guy I had to have a talk with of any kind. I couldn't tell if this was a good sign (hey I was mature in that conversation too and no one got hurt!) or a bad sign (apparently the last time I had this talk, it didn't stick).

Crap, now I'm late for work. I'll get to the post-talk with PokerFace in another post later today.

The Talk

Well Poker Face is coming over in about 2 hours and I am waiting for my iPhone software to download and I'm going to go for a quick run before he gets here, but I thought I'd lay out my points from before into a planned script for tonight. It's not that I want to give a canned speech, but I know I'm going to get nervous when he gets here and there are some key points that I don't want to miss so here goes. Also some of these

"Hey- before we go to dinner, there's something I wanted to talk about. I have something on my mind and I kind of need to get it off my chest, so just hear me out here.

So, I don't know if you realized this, but during dinner on Sunday with your co-workers you were telling this story and you called me your boyfriend. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not like totally against that, it just kind of startled me because we've never really talked about that, so it was kind of a shock. To be honest, it wasn't just that, it was also all the talks about rafting trips and what our plans were for pride and 4th of July and stuff. I just felt like suddenly everything is moving faster than I thought and I don't know if I'm ready for it. So the thing is, I really like you, but I just came out 4 months ago really, and I'm turning 30 at the end of this year. This probably sounds selfish, but the thing is, this is my only chance to be a young, single gay man, and I had my own plans for this summer that I was looking forward to.

I really like you, and I thought this was going really good, just keeping it casual and going slow, but I know that probably wasn't really fair to you- and instead of having a mature conversation with you about our relationship, I just kind of let it go on without talking about it. I thought about it after Sunday and having a boyfriend does sound really great and it's something I want eventually, but I just know that right now I don't have the maturity for that, and I can't rush that. I am still at the phase where I want to be able to go out with my friends to a club, and flirt with the bartender or a cute guy if I want, and not feel guilty about that. I know that makes me sound like I want it all, but that's really all I'm capable of right now.

I totally get it if this is not what you want or if you think I led you on. I mean, you came out 8 years ago, and probably went through all this a long time ago and you're in a really different space than me. If you're not totally disgusted by me, I still want to date you- and after the summer or so, maybe we could reevaluate things and see where we are.

So, that's it, I just had to let you know where I am, emotionally and stuff.

[Q&A period goes here]

[If he still wants to have dinner with me, then that goes here]

[If that goes, well, more sex]."

And that's where my my mind goes of course. I wonder if he's seen that doctor yet...

Can't sleep

It's 1am and I have just been lying here trying to go to sleep... and it's been on my mind all day at work. I have to talk to PokerFace. This thing is just moving too fast and it's pretty clear to me now that we are both moving at very different speeds.

Independence
I'd have to say my biggest fear of being in a relationship now is that I kind of just want to be single now. I just came out two months before I met PF and suddenly he is calling me my boyfriend and I feel like I didn't even get to experience single life. At the very least, I wanted to experience the whole summer and I had planned to go to all these parties with my friends and maybe flirt with guys and all of these plans were for me as a single man. Even though I do like PF, I just feel like I really need to be single at this phase in my life, and I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship. Even beyond that, if I don't experience this summer the way I had wanted to, or even give myself the opportunity to, I will probably end up resenting PF for that, as irrational as that sounds.

Buyer's Remorse
Also, while I do enjoy my time with PF, there are definitely things about him that bother me. Of course there's the sex stuff I won't shut up about... but there are other things too. Some are easily fixable (I'm not crazy about his fashion sense, sometimes his hair and his facial hair are a little weird), some are not really a big deal (he gets a little sweaty when we're making out which is sometimes a turnoff, and I wish he worked out more). Then there are the ones that may be a dealbreaker in the long term. The main thing is he's totally passive when it comes to decision making, whether it's about dates or what to order, or everything. While it sounds great that he's always like "oh we can do whatever you want to do", it kind of makes me wonder what the point of being on a date with him is at all.

The Good Stuff
But I go back and forth on this... This morning I was pondering a long term relationship with him, and I could envision it. It was kind of nice, even though it was all just a weird reverie in my head. We have a lot of common interests, we have good conversations, and he is incredibly sweet. But again, because he just goes along with whatever I say, I have a hard time telling sometimes if we are on the same page or if he is just being passive again. I definitely want security and someone who understands me, but it has to be the right guy, and there are times when I just don't think he's it, and other times where I think he might be. I guess that's why I'm still up and typing this now.

The Options
So I have to meet him in person some time this week, and I am going to lay out how I think we're moving too fast and he's rushing me in ways that are kind of freaking me out; I think I'll definitely tell him that I need to be independent, at least to the point that I had things planned for this summer as a single guy that I want to do still, and I don't want to have to feel guilty about it. I mean, he came out and dated and stuff 8 years ago, and I just did it. I'm just not on the same page as him, maturity-wise, and as much as that sucks, it would suck worse if I just lied to myself and him about it and pretended I was all cool with everything when I'm not.

The thing is, I don't know if I want to tell him I want to slow things down and see other people and still see him and reevaluate it at the end of the summer... or if that's just bullshit and if I should just cut it off before we both end up getting in further and getting more hurt... And that's why I'm still up typing and no closer to getting to a conclusion or to sleep. I think I'm going to watch some DVR'd tv...

Leaps and bounds...

PokerFace and I saw Up on Thursday, and we normally only go on one date a week, but I got a text today to see if I wanted to see a movie with him, his gay co-worker, and his co-worker's boyfriend. This was clearly a relationship escalation. I really didn't know how to deal with something like this... But as much as I kind of want to be single, another part of me wants to give this relationship a shot, and to jump in with both feet. Plus, I was thinking- as long as I don't say I'm his "boyfriend" there's no expectation of exclusivity, so maybe I'm not closing off my options.

I ended up bailing on the movie itself, but meeting up with them for drinks and dinner after. It was actually super fun, his co-worker and his boyfriend were cute and really funny and we all had a good time. Then at one point when they were exchanging work anecdotes, it came out that apparently on Friday PokerFace had told co-workers that he had "a boyfriend" (that would be me, apparently). I don't think I let on how much that freaked me out at dinner, but it definitely was a little weird right? We've never had a conversation about that and he's telling his co-workers that I'm his boyfriend... I really think it's time we had a talk, although I really don't know what my message will be.

Brutal Honesty Sunday

The film festival was excellent. After the double feature PokerFace and I had a nice dinner and headed back to my place.

He's a really good cuddler... I could have done that for hours. I guess we probably did. The next morning I took him to one of my favorite brunch spots, and then we came back and took a nap before he had to head out. We spent about 22 consecutive hours together, which is kind of a first for me. I came 4 times... so it does seem odd for me to be complaining I guess.

I guess I go into these dates hoping they'll answer my questions one way or another but they just bring up more. God, now I'm typing clichés... Time for bed.

Suspense

I had a strange thought today- when I got home from the gym on Monday I was kinda horny and I had a whole batch of new porn on my computer so I jerked off. It was pretty good. I realized today that that was the first time since I started dating PokerFace that I had jerked off (No... I'm not like a girl crossing off days on her calendar).

It wasn't like a conscious jerking-off-abstinence, I just always was anticipating getting off with PokerFace, and because of the Fire Island trip, this was the first time I'd gone over a week without seeing him (not counting when I was sick, and who wants to jerk off when they have cold sweats?).

I'm certainly not one of those weirdos who thinks jerking off is cheating, and like I said last time, I don't even know if I'm in a stage in a relationship where I'd even consider fucking another guy cheating. Still, it was just something that struck me today... when I was at the gym again. Heh.

Don't worry, I'm gonna hold off til my date with Pokerface on Saturday... We're going to see some of the movies at the LGBT film festival here in New York. There's something exciting about the suspense. Despite all our strange encounters and my misgivings about being in a relationship, I still get rock hard every time I see him in person. Looking forward to Saturday, even if it is for extremely shallow reasons... ;)

The weekend

So Fire Island was super fun! I went to an underwear party and made out with a stranger, which were pretty much my only two goals for the weekend. I didn't do anything further, although there were definitely opportunities. The weird thing about Fire Island is that everyone is staying in large houses with huge groups of friends, normally at least 2 people to a room. In addition, most of the houses have strict rules about guests, so if you're going to hook up with someone, it's either outside in the woods or in like a jacuzzi or something. Or it's totally blatantly in the middle of a bar, which I saw a bit of. In either case, I wasn't really willing to go further than making out with some guy and some underwear groping, but in terms of Fire Island, I was extremely chaste.

So now I'm back in NYC and back to my regular shtick. I'm seeing PokerFace this weekend (I think we're going to the big LGBT film festival here this weekend), but I think if we don't have sex I may just call this whole thing off. It's not even just about the sex actually. It's just in general I wish PokerFace was a little less complacent. Like when we go out I always end up picking the place, and even ordering the food if we're sharing, because he always says he wants whatever I want. While that's all very sweet it also makes me a little bored. I need him to be more of a top in a few aspects I guess...

I know it's not really the same thing, but I've been getting some flirty mails on some of the dating sites recently, and even though I never really find what I'm looking for on those sites, it's still fun to play the game. One guy wants to go on a date, but I haven't said yes or no yet. I know it's hardly like PokerFace and I are exclusive, but I still feel like it would be weird to juggle. I'm not sure I can date more than one guy at a time and be true to myself about it.

Long Weekend Update

This post is so long it needs big bold headers!


Lest you think this blog has turned purely into the erectile dysfunction daily, I am remembering my roots a little bit and catching you guys up on some of the other events in my life.

Visiting family
So i've pretty much come out to all the cousins on my mom's side and they've been super cool. One of my older cousins was visiting this weekend with her husband and we met up with my other cousin that lives in New York and we all had an awesome time going out to some new restaurants and bars. We talked a little about my experiences coming out to the other cousins and if I was ever going to come out to the older generation, but for the most part we just had a great time hanging out with each other which was what it was all about.

Coming out
Other than the cousins, I also got a last minute call from an old high school friend who was visiting town for a wedding and wanted to get a bunch of our old friends together for lunch on Sunday. So, that was an opportunity to come out to all them. Again, pretty normal- all my friends are liberal and live in big cities so there aren't really any surprises there.

Fourth Date
So the last bit of info is I did have my fourth date with PokerFace last night, and I spent the night at his place for the first time. So, he said he still wasn't ready to try fucking me again, so I was a little disappointed, but we still had a lot of fun. Still, I'm not sure where it's going. I ended up mentioning my Fire Island trip to him, and I really don't know what that's going to entail or not.

The main thing is that, four dates, plus being a really good friend of a really good friend makes it a little complicated... I definitely feel like it would be bad to keep stringing him along if I'm not that into him, but it's hard for me to separate the sex stuff out from everything else. I like hanging out with him... but I really don't know if I want more than that right now.

Bleh. Anyway, I'm looking forward to my upcoming little trip. Among other things, between starting yoga and training for the half marathon, I'm in awesome shape and I'm looking forward to showing off a little on the beach :P

Hrm.

Happened again. I told him it's not a big deal and it's not- I really just want him to not be so nervous and we can just take things in time. He was just so nervous and sweaty on top of me. It was a little gross. Still, we ended up blowing each other, showering, cuddling and watching TV which was fun. I just don't know how long this can go on.

It's hard for me to separate my frustration with the physical problems from my other issues which is just I don't know if I should be in a relationship now. I think we're going to go out on another date on Sunday, and this time we're going over to his place- so maybe he'll be more relaxed?

I also have a trip to fire island planned with some friends next weekend. I really have no idea what to expect, but I'm looking forward to it. From what I've heard it's just a 24x7 outdoor gay party. I haven't told PokerFace... I don't think I'm gonna.

3rd Date

3rd date is tonight. I'm really looking forward to seeing him, even after all that! I've just been out of commission being sick and out of town and everything. I just want to make out with a dude, yknow?

I think maybe in past dates I've been a little too pushy and tried to force stuff to happen. I'm just gonna let things go where they go this time, I guess...

Ugh

So I'm just getting over my cold today, and I ended up having to cancel my date with PokerFace tonight... Even though I'm feeling better now, my throat is still really sore and I'm probably communicable still and I just don't think it would be any fun. I'm gone this weekend, so our tentative plans are to talk on Monday and maybe hang out next Tuesday or Wednesday. So maybe this cold came at the right time... I kind of got what I wanted in that we slowed down a little bit.

It's cool, I just got Netflix instant play set up which was the only thing keeping me sane since I was sick all weekend. I fucking love Weeds.