Oversharing topic: Ass

So um. It's time for me to admit that I'm a total hypocrite, in the oversharing manner that I normally do. Ok, let me start from the top.

[REDACTED for future modesty :/]

Oversharing Friday

I knew I couldn't stop oversharing for long. This one I'm pretty proud of.

Actually that just totally reminded me of another thing I was going to share. This morning at the Starbucks near my house, I was ordering my coffee, and I realized with a little bit of a shock that the cute Asian barista guy was totally flirting with me. I go there pretty often, and I had kinda gotten a flirty vibe with me in the past, but this time he was totally overt about it-- like he had remembered my drink order from last time, and teased me about ordering a banana... Well, anyway, I mean, he's a cute barista in Chelsea, and I'm sure he gets hit on a billion times a day, and he probably just flirts with everyone, but I had forgotten how flattering it is. I guess that's one of the things that I miss from being single, the ego stroking you get from a total stranger showing interest in you. I am getting plenty of ego stroking from Chris though, so it all evens out. Anyway, the point of this story I guess is that this cute barista was flirting with me. Not gonna do anything, but it is still nice. Heh.

Oversharing about Positions

Ok, so a few posts back I made an offhand comment about trying to find a gay kama sutra... now I'm not trying to burn up the world here but it's just... I can't seem to do the "cowgirl", er "cowboy" position and it's frustrating me. The first time I tried it, it was just incredibly painful, and the second time I just couldn't seem to get the position right.

Like... where am I supposed to put my legs/feet? I don't think I'm doing it right.

The other positions are working fine, this is just one that is eluding me...

OK, I feel awkward now.

Wedding Crap

So as you may know from the premise of the blog, I'm almost 30- and 30 is the age where your friends who are legally allowed to do so start pairing off in legally binding ways.

Here are all the things on my mind due to the weddings in a list because I like lists:

1. One of my good friends from college is getting married this Saturday actually- I'm excited! My old college roommate is coming into town with his girlfriend who I haven't met yet. I already came out to him but this will be the first time we've hung out, and of course he'll get to meet Chris. I'm not bringing Chris, mostly because I RSVP'd +0 way back before I even met him, and I know how much my friend has been stressing over flowers and seating arrangements and chairs, and it's also way too early. Still, we'll hang out the night before with the other guests in town, and maybe after the wedding too.
2. Two of my other super good friends are getting married in November, and due to my newfound status, I got invited to both the bachelor and bachelorette parties! While I probably would have appreciated the strippers at the bachelorette party more, I think I'm still suffering from masculinity perception issues so I am only going to be attending the bachelor party. It will be a little weird, as it will be me and 19 straight guys down in New Orleans, tossing out beads on Bourbon Street and going to strip clubs. If I get a chance, I may check out a gay bar down there by myself (it has the oldest gay bar in the US or something) just to see what it's all about, but of course, I'm going there to hang out with my friend, and really it's more of a drinking thing, and I'm all about that anyway.
3. So the corresponding wedding for those two is in November, back in SF. Now... these are two of my super good friends here and they have met Chris like 5 times now, and totally love him. Again, I already RSVP'd for this wedding +0 before I even met Chris, but I have a feeling my friend may ask me if I'm bringing him, and I don't know what to say there... This brings up a whole new set of anxieties which mandates a SUB-LIST !
   1. The wedding is still 4 months out, and Chris and I have only been dating for 3. Isn't there some rule about how you shouldn't make plans farther out than you've been actually going out? If not, there should be.
   2. Again, this couple has been stressed out about guests and I know they've even had to cut some close friends. I can't imagine them allowing me to bring someone I just started dating in favor of a friend they've known for years.
   3. Bringing a date to a wedding is kind of a serious step, and you can piece together from past blog post how good I am with serious steps...
   4. Beyond the drama of the serious step, it's actually during THANKSGIVING WEEKEND, and it's in SAN FRANCISCO, where my brother lives, and where my parents are going to be coming for THANKSGIVING DINNER with the FAMILY. WAY TOO SOON, RIGHT?

Bah, I always make myself stress out about these things too much. Bed now.

Oversharing Again

So... just curious.

At a certain point in a long term exclusive relationship, do you stop using condoms?

From 'dating' to dating

I figure now that I'm dating someone, it's as good a time as any to delete all those online dating profiles I hate anyway, and I figured now was as good a time as any for a gloves-off review of each site. This is basically going to try to be the comprehensive review I was looking for when I started online dating and I couldn't really find anywhere. [Update hehe as I was writing this I see gawker has done a cursory overview of the same sites... http://gawker.com/5320419/after-craigslist-and-manhunt-here-is-where-gays-will-get-their-clicks]

Overview

So in past posts I might have sounded a little down on online dating, but in all honesty I think it's great. A lot of my friends who don't drink and hate the "circuit" scene in general find it to be a really reasonable alternative, and it is embraced by the gay community in a way that is really unparalleled in the straight dating world. If I were in a more philosophical mood I might wax on about how the very stigmatized nature of our sexuality makes us de-stigmatize other practices that other people might find distasteful...

When I started I was a little shocked at how ruthlessly efficient the whole process could be, and that was probably the part I was a little less forthcoming with my straight friends when I described the process.

Sites

• Manhunt
  So Manhunt is the 800 pound gorilla in the gay online dating scene. Wait, that metaphor sucks- because everyone talks about it. While some people complain alot about Manhunt, due to its limited free functions, creepy ownership details, and the perceived destructions of gay social interactions, but I'm a pretty tech-happy guy, and I kind of see Manhunt as a very efficient system that people like to use, even in its free form, and it's really kind of easy to use and fun, if you don't take it too seriously.
  Pros: NUMBERS- at least in my area, MH has the widest userbase by far
  Cons: Seriously crippled free accounts- you can only send a certain number of mails per day and you can't view full resolution pics, which is almost a dealbreaker really.
  Statistics: I conversed with over 10 guys on this site, and met up in person with 4.
• Adam4Adam
  After Manhunt, A4A seems to be the next most recognized and popular system in my area, and the best thing about it is it's free to use. Also, it seemed like the user base was a little more diverse than manhunt.
  Pros: Probably the best non-pay services, including full res picture viewing and unlimited messaging.
  Cons: Limited to 3 photos per profile, which is probably not a terrible thing really.
  Statistics: I conversed with over 10 guys on this site, and met up in person with 3.
• Gay Romeo
  So I joined GR at the recommendation of my European friends; apparently in Europe it is a very good system. However, my experience with it was pretty bad; maybe it's the relative immaturity of the site in the US but many of the profiles are clearly fake (like they use photos of famous actors and models) and there doesn't seem to be any attempt to clean up these fake profiles. Furthermore, every single time I got contacted on that site I felt like I was getting some kind of phishing scam. I didn't really find anything worthwhile there.
  Pros: Ummm, it's good in Europe from what I hear.
  Cons: It's unusable in the US.
  Statistics: I didn't have any real conversations on this site, or meat up with anyone.
• OK Cupid
  So OK Cupid is not exclusively gay, but I found that they do have an active gay community. It is more oriented toward dating than hooking up, and some of my friends reported having great success with that site. I found the quizzes and profiles to be a little too limited, and to be honest, I think it was a little too wholesome for what I happened to be looking for at the time as a guy who just came out.
  Pros: Very nice interface, good userbase.
  Cons: High barriers to actually meeting people.
  Statistics: I conversed with about 5 guys, but it never really went anywhere.
• Lovetastic
  I don't really know what to make of this site- as I only used it for about a week. I saw a lot of ads for it and it seemed like it had a cool interface, but when I got on I found that it has some kind of reputation system, and until you get enough reputation you can only send one mail a day or something. Also, the userbase just seemed really small.
  Pros: Very clean, oriented at a wholesome audience.
  Cons: Weird point system; small userbase
  Statistics: I conversed with one guy on here, but it never went anywhere.
• Gay.com
  So gay.com is another big player in the online dating market, but compared to manhunt and a4a I found the crippled features of the free account to be the worst. You can't even view the thumbnails of the non main profile pics, and I just didn't understand the search functions.
  Pros: Large userbase
  Cons: Crippled free account
  Statistics: I conversed with about five guys on here, but it never went anywhere.

Other Resources

• Realjock
  So Realjock is not really a dating site, but it's a gay men's health and fitness forum that has profiles like a dating site. I actually found their workouts and stuff to be really good, but their forum is a little toxic- people are a little too forward with their prejudices and insecurities right off the bat, but it's not too bad if you know what your'e getting into. I would just read the forums with a grain of salt, and then it's actually a pretty good resource for health and fitness issues, particularly ones pertaining to gay men. I'm not actually cancelling my account there since I still use the forums for stuff like half marathon training suggestions and what not.
• Grindr
  Hehe, as silly as it is, of all the dating sites/apps, I will miss Grindr the most probably. It's pretty new, but grindr is a free application for the iPhone or iPod touch that is basically a super condensed version of adam4adam. You just pick one photo (usually taken arms length with the iPhone camera) and you can write one or two lines about yourself and that's it. Then people can browse profiles near them (using the iPhone's GPS) and you can chat people. It's not really a good system, but it is great fun, especially when your'e bored.
• DList
  So Dlist is also a bit of an enigma to me. When you join it, it definitely does seem like some of the other dating sites, except most of the profiles have public face pics, and it's definitely more of a social sharing platform than necessarily a dating site. In fact, it's like the gay myspace. I don't actually think many people are using it to hook up like mh and a4a but I dunno, maybe I'm wrong. Like RJ, I am not cancelling this account actually, since I've found it to be useful for non-dating stuff; I'm on a group there for a local DJ that I like, as well as a party promoter with some good events.

Conclusion

Gay men may complain about the shallowness of the online dating community but I have to say it is unparalleled in the straight world for its efficiency and directness. If you know what you're getting into, it can be a lot of fun. And stay safe out there, kids.

Another Long Weekend Update

So we spent all of the long weekend together- I was a little worried it would be too much, but now it's Tuesday and I kinda miss just having him around. God I feel like such a cheeseball. Basically I had three different friends throwing house parties all weekend, and I ended up bringing Chris to all of them, so he's met all my friends- I was a little nervous I guess, cause it's one thing to come out to your friends, and then another thing to bring around a guy, but they were all cool and my friends all got along great with him, which was awesome.

And uh, in regards to the technical difficulties mentioned earlier in the blog... those have been since remedied, apparently ;)

I've been planning a big post for a while, but it's taking forever to write, but I hope it will be actually useful to some people... maybe Thursday.

Leaps and bounds...

PokerFace and I saw Up on Thursday, and we normally only go on one date a week, but I got a text today to see if I wanted to see a movie with him, his gay co-worker, and his co-worker's boyfriend. This was clearly a relationship escalation. I really didn't know how to deal with something like this... But as much as I kind of want to be single, another part of me wants to give this relationship a shot, and to jump in with both feet. Plus, I was thinking- as long as I don't say I'm his "boyfriend" there's no expectation of exclusivity, so maybe I'm not closing off my options.

I ended up bailing on the movie itself, but meeting up with them for drinks and dinner after. It was actually super fun, his co-worker and his boyfriend were cute and really funny and we all had a good time. Then at one point when they were exchanging work anecdotes, it came out that apparently on Friday PokerFace had told co-workers that he had "a boyfriend" (that would be me, apparently). I don't think I let on how much that freaked me out at dinner, but it definitely was a little weird right? We've never had a conversation about that and he's telling his co-workers that I'm his boyfriend... I really think it's time we had a talk, although I really don't know what my message will be.

Brutal Honesty Sunday

The film festival was excellent. After the double feature PokerFace and I had a nice dinner and headed back to my place.

He's a really good cuddler... I could have done that for hours. I guess we probably did. The next morning I took him to one of my favorite brunch spots, and then we came back and took a nap before he had to head out. We spent about 22 consecutive hours together, which is kind of a first for me. I came 4 times... so it does seem odd for me to be complaining I guess.

I guess I go into these dates hoping they'll answer my questions one way or another but they just bring up more. God, now I'm typing clichés... Time for bed.

Why I am not a top

The comments on my last post kind of got me thinking. I have topped a guy just once and I was terrible at it. I lasted about 30 seconds before I blew my load.

When it comes down to it, the expectations of a top are much higher. A top has to get it up, stay hard, perform right, for long enough (but not too long!). A bottom just has to have a clean ass, which is easier.

I guess I also just like someone to take charge.

Mixed bag

So I had my second date with PokerFace last night- we went to this new pizza place that was really fun and kind of trendy. We came back to my place and I had kind of already determined that I wanted to get fucked that night. We made out for a while and it was a lot of fun.

I know this post is sounding kind of negative, but that's also cause today at work I started getting a sore throat and coughing a lot. Basically in addition to all that, I'm pretty sure that I got a cold from him... I know that's not totally fair but I'm stuck in bed now drinking fluids and chicken soup when the weather is really nice out and I don't need to be fair.

And man, I was really looking forward to getting fucked last night :/

Post-date report

So the date went really well! Maybe too well, lol. We'll see.

So we went and saw the movie last night- first things first, the Wolverine movie really sucked (major waste of hot actors). Still, it was just a pretext to go out with this guy and get dinner so for that reason, it's the best movie ever! After the movie, we got some thai food, and again, he just was super nice and cute. The other thing is I found even more things we have in common, like we play the same video games, and it was a little weird almost- like I don't want to date a carbon copy of myself, but at the same time it was also cool to just have so much in common with another guy.

Dinner was really good too, and during the meal we were talking about all these other places (he was suggesting places in Brooklyn and I was suggesting places in Manhattan), and at one point it was weird cause it kind of seemed like we were both shopping places for future dates. Maybe I was reading too much into it, heh. He paid for dinner cause I got the movie tickets, and I protested a bit cause dinner was so much more than the movie, so I said I'd buy drinks at the bar.

So we were in Chelsea, so I joked "I'm sure there's gotta be a place around here where two guys can grab a beer"-- god I'm a cheesy dork on dates. We ended up at G Lounge (I know I know, I go there too often)-

OK wait, I just realized I don't think I ever mentioned one important thing about this guy. So by some strange twist, this guy is actually the first guy I ever kissed. I know it doesn't make sense. I actually mentioned him once in passing already. Basically, the same friend who we met through last week had a party about 3 years ago, and there was a spin the bottle game in which straight girls and guys had already kissed, so when it was my turn to spin the bottle, I got this guy (who was already out), and I had to go through with it and kiss him and pretend I didn't like it and heh. It's cool, we've talked about it since then, and it was one of the icebreakers for us when we first started talking again last week or so.

OK so back to the date- we're at G having a good time drinking beers and sitting on a couch talking, and I'm kind of giddy and feeling a little silly so I chug my beer really fast and he gives me a strange look, and I give him a "hold on" sign. When I'm done with my beer I set the bottle down on the table on it's side, pointing at him, and I kind of smirk and ask him if it brings back any memories (I told you I'm a total cheeseball). He smiles and says "do you want me to kiss you"? So we end up making out at G lounge and it is really hot. I think we both have just been looking forward to this for too long. Then the moment of truth comes, and he asks me if we should go somewhere more private. Of course I am thinking of all your guys' advice but I just decided to live in the moment and I invited him back to my place (I made it pretty clear that I didn't want to go "all the way" though-- geez why do I use the euphemisms of a high school girl?). We make out on my bed for a while and it's pretty good and we end up sucking each other off and it is just really hot. Afterwards we cuddled for like an hour. I was kind of disappointed that he couldn't spend the night but he has work tomorrow, and admittedly, he does live kind of far from me so his morning commute would have been a nightmare.

So, that's pretty much it. I wasn't as chaste as I had hoped, but I had a really good time on my first date, and we have tentative plans to go out again on Thursday. I thought a little more about the waiting, and I rationalized hooking up on our first date by the fact that we've met up a few times in group settings that were... date-like, and it has been built up for both of us so much that it would have just been really frustrating to not hook up, but I kind of understand the waiting thing too now. I kind of would like to have him accept a second date without expecting a hookup, so I know he's really into me, but to be honest, after the first 3 hours of the date and the other times, I'm pretty confident that he is. Also, it's not like I gave away everything... that's for next weekend lol. Short story is I had fun and I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

Brainpan Dump

Even though I'm no longer anonymous, there are some things that are easier to shout into a void on the internet than talk to you about with your friends. As I'm writing this post, I'm pretty uncomfortable, cause there's definitely stuff in here I'm not very proud of, and it makes me sound pretty crass, even though I think at heart I'm a romantic, idealistic guy. Still, here's me being honest:

I'm weird about sex
So while my last big update was about how smooth my life is going, and in general it is, there are definitely areas that I can work on. I think because I'm new and don't really know the customs, I keep accidentally sending mixed signals to guys I sleep with. So I've had anal sex with four guys so far now, and of the four of them, I've only kept in touch with one.

The first guy was basically a rebound. I had "dated" and hooked up with a different guy, but that guy was looking for a serious relationship and I just wasn't into him, so the same night that we "broke up" I met up with some friends at a bar, and I met this new guy who was in the same social circle. We were just talking at the bar and having a good time, but I didn't even think I was flirting-- at the end of the night he asked if I wanted to share a cab back, even though he doesn't live anywhere near me. I was a little drunk and a little horny so I said yes. He came back to my place and we fucked, and it was the first time I'd ever been penetrated (god that sounds so clinical). It was pretty painful, but I was prepared for it. Anyway, given that it was a drunk hookup at a bar, and I really had nothing in common with this guy, I thought it was hoping it would just be a one night thing and I'd leave it at that. Still, I think I sent mixed signals by letting him stay over, offering him a toothbrush, offering him food and whatnot-- maybe I'm wrong, but these all seemed like common courtesies in straight world, but I don't know if they were meant to carry over to gay world. Anyway, about two hours after he leaves my place the next day, he tries to add me to facebook, which first of all I'm just not a fan of anyone adding me to facebook when they've only met me once, and second of all, I had spent the whole night talking to him about how this guy I had been dating had been too clingy. I ignored the facebook invite, but he texted me again that same day. This is totally immature of me but he was the first guy I ever slept with, and it was painful, and I didn't know how to deal with any of it, so I ignored the text too. The weirdest part was about a month later, he found my adam4adam profile, and messaged me there! That's when I had to just let him know I wasn't interested in anything further with him, and I sent him a message through that site telling him so, and I left it at that. I wish that had been the end of it, but I'm a little ashamed to say I saw him at a club the other day and I pretended not to see him. I kind of wish I had been more mature and said hi just so it wouldn't be awkward (we have mutual friends) but then again, I don't think this guy and I were communicating on the same wavelength, so maybe it's just best that I keep my distance.

The second guy I met at a bar and we had some sexual chemistry, but again very little in the way of personal connection- still, I was eager to get more sexual experience, and I think he was cool with that. I was still a little wary from my first bottoming experience, so I topped the first time. This guy didn't spend the night, and I think we were both upfront and clear about what we wanted, and that's why we were able to stay in contact. We met up again about a week later and I bottomed, and he was really patient with me and I really enjoyed the experience. We hooked up a third time about a week later, and I still keep in touch with this guy. I think it's probably a good example of a pretty functional fuck buddy relationship.

The third guy I met on manhunt, and we just met up at a bar, and then went back to my place and fooled around. I wasn't really sure I wanted to have sex with someone I just met, so we just messed around that night, but we met up again the next night and he topped me. I really enjoyed this one too. Neither of us really expected more, and I haven't talked to him or heard from him since then.

The fourth guy was from adam4adam, and we were just messaging one day after work and decided to meet for drinks. Now the thing about this guy is that I knew from the moment I met him that I wasn't really going to be that into him. He just wasn't my type. Still, I was really horny and I ended up sleeping with him that night. It kind of became a repeat of the first guy all over again; he kept texting me after (like... 3 times the same night after he left my place with no response from me), and it was a big turn off. Also, the sex just wasn't that good.

Basically I feel like when I've had unemotional sex, then right after it happens I just feel kind of guilty about myself and I want the guy to leave so I don't have to deal with it. It's really not healthy. I really think I just need to stop hooking up randomly and try to actually date guys. I don't really regret these experience building encounters I've had, but as with everything else in my rapid education, I think it's time for me to grow up.

I'm a slutty drunk
Hm, I guess that would be kind of obvious from the previous section, but I often cringe when I recall my actions from the night before when I'm drunk. I tend to get really physical with guys and I will make out with guys at the drop of a hat when I'm drunk. It's not a good thing, and not something I should be proud of.

Related to the previous two: I don't think I'm one of those gay guys who can hook up with their friends like it's no big thing
So, my friend Alex is a super good friend of mine, and one of the first gay friends I had after I came out. He is just an awesome, funny guy, and he was a great support to me during my coming out and introducing me to the gay scene. One night we were just drunk and texting each other (and I was a little depressed about unrelated work stuff) and I think he instigated it but our texts got kind of flirty. One thing led to another and I basically invited him over to fool around. Long story short, it was kind of like with the other guys- as soon as I came, I kind of wanted him to leave, and I felt really guilty about it. I did end up letting him spend the night, but I just felt awful and I don't think I slept well that night at all.

I was really worried I had just fucked up our friendship, which really sucked- I think I was cagey and avoided him for about a week. Finally our mutual friend's birthday came up, and I saw him there, and we ended up having a great time and everything was back to normal again. The other day, I wanted him to come out to a really late party, but he mentioned that because his place was so far, he would only be able to come to the party if he could crash at my place (this is true, he lives really far). I think old me would have just dropped the subject, but I decided that I really wanted to keep Alex as a friend and not let anything stand between us, and so I brought up with him my anxieties and how I thought hooking up was a mistake, and he was TOTALLY COOL about it. We ended up having a great time at the party, and he slept over at my house with no funny business and no anxiety.

On the plus side, I now have a really close friend who has already seen me naked so I had him critique my manhunt profile :P.

I'm all about the kissing
I'm just all about kissing. That is what gets me. If someone can't kiss well, I can't even think about getting in bed with them.

WTF?
Oh and here's a WTF moment. So at that party I went to with Alex, there was this one guy who I kept meeting eyes with all night and was kind of cute, and at one point we ended up talking and exchanging numbers (and I was drunk so I was really flirty and touchy... cause i'm a slut). Anyway, he texted me that same night, and then again that next morning! Then he asked if he could add me to facebook (and like I said above... I'm pretty guarded about my facebook) but I said fine because I figured it wouldn't hurt to see more pictures of this guy in different lighting. However, when I got the invite I clicked over to his profile and he is IN A RELATIONSHIP. UGH. Honestly I have no problem with guys in an open relationship (although it's not for me, and I will never hook up with anyone that I know is already in a relationship because that's drama I don't need), but seriously if you're just trying to hook up with a guy, why all the texting and chasing? Why add me to facebook?? I don't understand some guys.

I'm gonna try to date date
So after all that, I really think it's time for me to grow up a bit and try to go on some date dates. I'm seeing that cute guy from last Friday at a mutual friend's party tomorrow and I'm SOO excited. I'm like a stupid 15 year old schoolgirl. I actually e-mailed him on Monday to see if he was coming on Thursday and he replied saying he was coming and "I'm looking forward to seeing you again." I think i may have actually squealed. I know. I actually picked out a shirt to wear on Thursday after doing my laundry and set it aside. That was on Tuesday... Seriously, I know.

Update...

OK... I'm a bad blogger. I come out, my life becomes pretty awesome, and I get too busy meeting cute boys to write stuff down here. I still have been following all the great blogs that I started reading when I was deciding to come out though, and I read this post from Doug and it just broke my heart because I was so there. It just reminded me why I wanted to start this blog in the first place- not just that I wanted to have a journal of my experiences, but that I felt like I had received so much strength from the online community, and that simply reading about other people going through the same thing as me back in January helped me get through a really rough time in my life. If writing stuff down here can help anyone else, then I kind of feel maybe I'm paying it forward.

So... where to start... since the last time I posted a billion things have happened, almost all of them incredibly amazing and postiive.

1) Coming out: Since I last posted, I've pretty much come out to all my close friends in all my social circles, the cousins I am close to, and my immediate co-workers. Everyone has been amazingly supportive, some have been not-so-surprised (my one friend said that she suspected it because I hadn't gotten laid in 3 years and I never complained about it), but what surprised me is how people open up to me after I come out to them. It even happens with completely unrelated topics- I think it's just that when I was in the closet people could feel this blocked off energy from me, and after I opened up to them, they opened up to me about their personal lives and everything. I have started to network in the gay community, and I have some awesome gay and lesbian friends now that I just have so much fun with when I go out. I have lived in New York for 11 years, and suddenly the whole city is new to me again. It's pretty fun.

2) The parents: Umm, I already just typed this story up as a comment on doug's post, so I think I'll just paste it here as a quote. Wall of text go:

Doug, I read your post and it just rang like a crystal bell in my head. I read about your nightmare and I just had chills down my spine because I was totally there too. I'm also Chinese, originally from California, with religious parents/family. I identified myself as gay around 14 or so, and I just put it away in a box and decided it was something I could never have. I actually just came out and started dating men in February (at the age of 29), and I came out to my parents in March, so it was all very sudden. And honestly, I'm not gonna lie, coming out to the conservative Chinese parents was pretty awful.

First of all, they were visiting me (I live in New York now), and of course they had to stay in my apartment even though I live in a tiny studio, and cook in my tiny kitchen because that's what my Mom has to do. They were staying with me for 4 days and I decided I was going to come out to them in person so it had to be then. I came out to them on the second day, and they became just stereotypes. My Dad just decided he suddenly had to take some unrelated business phone calls and just tried not to deal with the situation. My Mom just stared at the wall and started crying. This was pretty much the whole first night. The second night, my Mom started asking me the really weird questions, like if I was molested as a child, or if this was because she was a working mother when I was growing up. On the third day, I decided I had indulged her hand-wringing and "why-me" questions, so I told her - "You can analyze my childhood and wonder what you did wrong as much as you want, but let's just be clear here-- what you're doing there is wishing that you had a different son. I'm what I am, and that's pretty much it." She was kind of sullen for the rest of the time, but my Dad actually surprised me and started saying the right things about how he wanted me to be happy and he wanted to be a part of our lives. My Mom and I were strained for a while after.

The really good part of the story comes last Sunday actually; my Mom just called me out of the blue to talk (we hadn't really spoken much since they were here) and she wanted to know how I was doing, if I was dating, etc. She said she wanted me to be happy, and then (and I quote) "and we want to make sure you're being safe in your dealings." I know it sounds horrible and mildly homophobic, but in the context it was really sweet. And also, I'm trying to convince my circle of friends to start using "dealings" as a euphemism for rough gay sex. (Usage: "I got dealt last night"). I'll let you know how that goes.

And I can't stress enough how important the support network is going into the coming out. If you have family members that you're out to before, like siblings or close cousins, having them to talk to before and after to temper the parental craziness is important. I had my brother and sister on speed dial during the whole thing, and they were awesome.

Anyway, sorry for the monster comment. I just wanted to let you know that the Chinese parent thing can go both ways. Of course they have had our lives planned out since we were 8 years old, and make dramatic proclamations whenever we veer from the path, but they do it because that's how they think it's the best way to show they care about you. When you do decide to come out to them, make sure you give them their space, but make it clear that it is not a negotiation and that it's something you are comfortable with. When you're coming out to them, it's because you love them and you want to share your life with them, and they will accept you for that

I am going back to Cali in May and that's going to be the first time I see them in person since they were here in New York, but I'm kind of thinking the worst is behind me. Like Doug, I used to have straight up panic attacks in the middle of the day, where a rush of images would come to my head and I would imagine my family and friends finding out about me, and there are days where it made me just want to double over and collapse. I don't have days like that anymore.

I've talked to a lot of my new gay friends about this, and honestly, no one has the "Lifetime Movie" coming out story where their parents are amazing and supportive. It's almost universal that your parents are going to disappoint you a little in this space, and that's just cause they're from a different generation and culture, and because they have such specific plans for their kids that suddenly change. I'm starting to have faith that my parents are coming around though, and I think they are going to be happy for me. I may hold off on the PFLAG t-shirts for a bit though...

3) The Sex... So... since the last time I posted, I've gotten around to meeting a lot of cute boys in bars and after 15 years or so of oppressed sexuality, I've definitely unleashed it in a pretty rapid way. Man, I have no idea how to type this without sounding like some big whore. Basically, in the urbandictionary vernacular I laid out in my blog comment, I've dealt, I've been dealt to, I've tried it all. It's been fun. I've been safe of course, and I'm kind of picky, but it has been so much fun :D. I don't know if I'm ready to go and type out every vein and detail, but maybe another time...

4) The Relationship... So, this is the hard part. On every dating site and "dating" site, they ask you what you're looking for and I have to think that if they're honest, pretty much everyone is looking for the same thing. It always bothered me when people said they're "looking for an LTR". I mean, an LTR is just an R that has lasted an LT. I think I would say that I am looking to meet guys to date, and that if I meet someone I really connect with, of course I'm going to continue dating them. Right? I definitely am a pretty monogamous guy though- I know I'm the exception here, but I just don't think I can be one of those people in an open relationship. I'm totally fine right now meeting guys and having sex without commitments, but when I do meet the right guy and we start dating, I'm not going to want to fuck other guys, and I'm thinking the right guy for me will feel the same. OK, so I've laid out my simple definition of a relationship prospect, and it took longer than I thought but oh well.

Well anyway, I kind of met my first relationship prospect on Thursday, but I probably messed it up. I was out with my super gay bestie Alex, who is teaching me how to vogue (!) and we were at this bar that has a gay night on Thursdays (Aspen). It was getting really fun around midnight, there were a lot of cute guys, and there were 2 for 1 drink specials. Anyway I'm getting us a round and walking them back to our table when a guy gives me the look, and I kind of smile back at him as I'm walking by and he tracks me a little with his head. He has great eyes and something about that look just made me happy. So, I bring our drinks and I talk to Alex and he tells me I should just go talk to that guy (and Alex also wants to meet his cute friend hah). I go over and kind of nudge his chair with my foot and when he turns around I introduce myself (I know, I know, I'm like a high school girl at a dance). Anyway, we get to talking for a while, and he's really funny and cute, and I'm a little drunk, and suddenly I grab his head and we start making out on the dance floor for a while. He makes it a point to say that he's looking for a relationship and not a hookup, and that's when I actually start considering it. I hadn't really been in "relationship looking" mode this whole time, but this is really the kind of guy I would want to date. I am a little embarrassed now that I have been sticking my tongue down this stranger's throat (BY THE WAY HE WAS A REAAALLY GOOD KISSER), but it is still fun. He give me his number and we say good night.

The next morning I woke up still smelling like his cologne. Why is that SO HOT? Anyway, I had to confer with my gay oracles and straight girl friends to decide how I was going to ask him out, and I was actually walking on air the whole morning (it didn't hurt that Friday here was absolutely gorgeous weather). It was kind of like I'd never felt before. I met up with one of my best girlfriends for lunch and we basically decided I should be direct and just text him and tell him it was nice to meet him and ask him out for Saturday Night. I was sitting there with my finger on the send button, and I realized that I wasn't going to feel the euphoria anymore as soon as I hit send. It was kind of sad, but I think I indulged myself long enough to take it in. Anyway I sent the message, and then I agonized for the next few hours- he finally got back to me after work hours, and he said it was nice to meet me too but he couldn't hang out this weekend cause he was busy with friends in town (AND HERE'S THE STUPID PART: I KNEW THIS. I MET HIS FRIENDS AT THE BAR AND THEY WERE VISITING AND I KNEW THIS). But what bummed me out is he didn't suggest a follow-up. If he was really into me, I think he would have said something to the effect of making plans in the future. I still replied that he should have a good weekend and that he should text me next time he's free, but I think it's probably over. I blew it, but I learned a lot (and I made out with a cute guy in a bar, I really am not complaining that much).

And the good thing is that last night I met another cute guy (a friend of a friend), and I think he may be into me. I'm kind of going to take this slow and let him make the first move... and maybe I'll wait til an actual date to stick my tongue down his throat. Maybe.

5) This is kind of unrelated, but I love Yoga! I think I never went before cause I thought it would sound too gay and blow my cover, but I've gone like 3 times and it's awesome (and lets be honest, it features hot guys in sleeveless shirts bending over). It's like an intense workout that makes you sweat and works your muscles, but when you're done with it, your spine is perfectly aligned and you feel like you've gotten a deep tissue massage and taken a nap. It's crazy good. I'm about to go to another yoga class in like 2 hours.


So, that's my super-omni update if anyone is even still following. Sorry I have been such a bad blogger, but my life has been a crazy whirlwind lately. Thanks for reminding me why I started this though, Doug, and best of luck in everything. I'm gonna try to post more regularly now, although now that I'm pretty much out, I think I'm just another gay guy on the internet heh... Maybe I should change the name of the blog.

Turn your head and cough... it's time for sex history.

So PlanetX asked me asked me about my past gay experiences, and the answer is almost none.

Guys
So I mean, as far back as I can remember, I was always more interested in looking at naked guys than naked girls. As a computer saavy kid, it was easy to find sites catering to gay men, and I was fascinated with every aspect. I would spend hours reading gay stories from newsgroups (some very good and some very, very bad).

I guess the one homosexual experience I had growing up was this one time I brought playboys to a friends house when I was sleeping over, and we jerked off together. I'd never seen another guy's dick in real life. At one point, he turned to me and asked if we should try giving each other blow jobs, and I was kind of stunned. First of all, the guy was one of my really good friends growing up, and second, I knew I wasn't attracted to him. So I just played it cool and told him I didn't wanna try it, and we just jerked off. The funny thing is, that guy came out in college, and though he had a pretty dramatic disowning by his really religious parents, they've since patched things up and he's doing really well.

Beyond that, I just tried to keep my head low. I had a few crushes on guys in high school, but I never really let myself pursue them, as I was terrified of being discovered. Which brings us to the:

Girls
I suppose the reason this whole thing went on for so long, is that I guess on the Kinsey scale, I'm not a full 6. I'm probably something like a 5, and it took me from the age of 16 to about 26 to realize that 5 was not close enough to 3 for me to be able to sustain it. I basically kept finding myself in situations where aggressive girls hit on me and I didn't have the guts or the decency to turn them down.

I had a steady girlfriend in High School, she basically asked me out a few weeks after I transfered to the new school, and we dated, but we never went further than oral sex. So yes, I ate pussy, and no, it's not that bad. The thing is, the entire time we dated, I made a conscious effort to stop the gay stuff. I deleted all my computer porn and scrubbed the hidden bookmarks file I had with all my gay interest sites. Other than a few moments of weakness, I tried to be a good straight boyfriend. We split up because in the end we just weren't that into each other, for various reasons.

My first sexual relationship with a girl was Freshman year of college, where we met outside a frat party and she complimented my shirt. Like I said, I had trouble turning down aggressive women, particularly in front of friends, so I ended up hooking up with her that night. We fooled around for a few months, and all I remember mostly is that she gave the fucking worst hand jobs in the world. Eventually we progressed to full intercourse, and the whole time I had to think about male torsos I'd seen on the internet to stay hard. We fucked a few more times, and it eventually came out from a mutual friend that she was still seeing her ex-boyfriend back at home; it was almost a relief to have an acceptable reason to dump her.

So for the rest of college and a few years after, I dated girls, but never let it get serious enough to get physical beyond making out and some fooling around. My second sexual experience came when I was actually out of the country for work in Canada. I was put up in a hotel for a week, and somewhere between boredom and loneliness I got picked up at a bar near my hotel and we went back to her place. Of all my sex experiences with girls, this was probably the easiest for me, as there was no pressure if I couldn't perform; I'd never see this girl again. So it wasn't terrible, but again the whole time I had to think of dicks.

The thing about New York is that after a certain time, the fact that I was a reasonably attractive, professionally successful single man with nice shoes did not go unnoticed by my single female friends, and female friends of my coupled friends who were desperate to match everyone up. It really got to the point where I would see a friend of a friend maybe making eyes at me, and I would think to myself "Oh god, am I going to have to fuck her?" I got set up on dates with some really attractive, successful, and great women, and I had to find a way to end dates early without triggering the suspicions of my friends. In retrospect, it is probably one of the meaner things I've done.

My last sexual experience was on my birthday three years ago, when a friend of a friend was in town and came to my party. Pretty much everyone I knew was there, so when this cute girl asked me to dance, I couldn't say no. Eventually we ended up at my place, and between the booze and my complete lack of sexual interest in her at this point, I wasn't even able to stay hard. It was basically a disaster, and my only saving grace is she was too nice to tell our mutual friend about it.

Celibacy
So the last few years I've just avoided emotional and sexual contact at all pretty much. I used the aforementioned tactics to dodge set-ups, all the while denying my homosexuality to the one or two people that asked me about it. I was still consuming gay porn from the internet at a voracious rate, and I was too terrified to list my picture on a profile for gay dating for fear of being discovered. At one point I found myself responding to a craigslist ad for anonymous sex with a guy who was cheating on his girlfriend. When I think back on it now, it was probably one of the most ridiculous and dangerous things I can think of- I gave this complete stranger my address and waited for him to come over. He actually never showed up but I really think it was for the best.

I wonder if I had allowed myself to go down the other path, if I'd have ended up eventually an old Republican Senator, tapping on bathroom stalls. Hey, they gotta start somewhere.

* Oh, I almost forgot, but I have kissed exactly 2 guys in my life. The first was four years ago at a spin the bottle party in Brooklyn. The second was a random guy in Austria.