The Byproducts of a Revelation

So I guess when I talk about how I realized I needed to change everything in my life, it wasn't just the sexual orientation and coming out thing. My life was/is a big tangled ball of irrational choices and bad habits that were all supporting each other.

Smoking
So yeah... I was a casual smoker since college, and I would frequently smoke socially. I've made half-assed attempts at quitting, but as a lot of my friends smoke and it's a pretty ubiquitous nasty habit here in New York, it was easy to fall back into the pattern. Anyway, as part of the package revelation, I decided to just completely cut that ridiculous, irrational habit out of my life entirely; I've been pretty successful since the new year started*.

* I did have one moment of weakness and I bummed a smoke outside of G Lounge on Friday, mostly because I was just a gigantic bundle of nerves that whole night. Also, the guy smoking was cute. And had a thick latin accent. This is probably going to be my biggest hurdle to quitting smoking: smoking-hot** guys outside clubs that make me nervous already.

** You see what I did there?

Working Out
So I've always been a pretty athletic guy. I swam for my high school's swim team a few years, and it's been pretty easy to stay active in New York City (most non-New Yorkers are surprised to learn that our city is actually incredibly Bike-friendly if you know where to go).

All of this was well and fine until I ran the marathon two years ago. Now, you'll notice I mention swimming and biking up above, but not running. This is because I'm not a runner. I just find nothing interesting about running. However, I basically was drunk one night and got into a kind of bar bet? And somehow that resulted in three of us signing up for the marathon the next day. Training for the marathon was actually fantastic; I got in probably the best shape of my life since I was 18, and I could basically eat whatever the fuck I wanted and not gain any weight because I was running 5 days a week.

The thing is, after the marathon I got ridiculously complacent. For the first month my feet still hurt from the marathon and I felt a false sense of entitlement still, then after that it had already gotten brutally cold in New York so I had trouble psyching myself into going to the gym. Eventually it had been about 4 months without much physical activity at all, and I realized when I went on vacation last year that for the first time in a long while, I was being self-conscious about my body.

So just around revelation time at the beginning of this new year, I cancelled my old unused gym membership and signed up to a slightly more expensive gym, but one RIGHT near my house. It's literally like 2 blocks away- even if there's a monster snowstorm on the Eastern Seaboard, I still have no excuse not to go. Also, it was an unexpected bonus, but the guys at my new gym are way hotter. Ah, Chelsea.

Eating Well
I guess I blame this one on the marathon too, because once you get used to the ridiculously high calorie and high carb diets you need to train for a marathon, it's difficult to go back to a normal human diet. I've always been good about eating pretty low calorie, high fiber stuff, but I'm also a total foodie, so I value a really good meal and don't mind splurging and working off a big meal the next day.

Anyway, this bullet point is less directed than the other two, but I'm trying to cook more, eat healthier, eat less fried food, find a decent salad place near work, all that stuff.

The Drinking Thing
Hmmm, this is a tough one for me. I'm pretty sure that my bouts of "courage" noted in other posts like my visit to G Lounge were primarily enabled by the miracle drug called alcohol. Not only do I appreciate alcohol as a social enabler, but I also have a taste for fine wines and liquors, particularly in social scenes and with food. Particularly living in New York with the high-class restaurants we have here, there are some culinary experiences that are tailored to go with specific wines and spirits, and I value those experiences highly.

While I'm not planning on cutting alcohol out of my life, I am probably just putting this down here to acknowledge that I can't keep drinking like I'm still in college, it's going to start having more noticeable effects on my body. Anyway, I guess it will be a challenge for me to stay social and try to drink less, but is that really less demanding than any of the other things I'm going through right now? I guess not.

Last post for the night I think

So I think I've read through like a hundred blogs tonight, and it's so unbelievably comforting to hear other people verbalize the fears and assumptions and all my stupid shit that is flying through my head right now. I have so much I want to put down here and don't even know where to start.

On Having The Revelation
I don't know if everyone has this moment, but I had a moment on my birthday at the end of last year where it hit me that I have to come out, I have to fix my life. The revelation came as a result of a bunch of factors. Cue a list (geez I think I have a list addiction):

First, I'm at that age where my really close friends are all getting married, and it's not about me worried about being lonely so much, as me seeing two people genuinely in love; I think a long part of my delay comes from a deep-seated cynicism that is kind of par for the course in New York. I don't know if I actually believed in love, but I think I'm starting to come around to it...

Second, my Grandmother is really sick; to be honest I think she has only months to live. She had a stroke last year and can't really talk anymore, but I had a moment when I was visiting her in the hospital right after New Year's, and she held my hand and was trying to tell me something. I still don't know what that is, but everything about it was screaming to me that I had to fix my life right then and there.

On Coming Out
So I haven't come out to anyone yet, but there was a moment after Christmas where I almost came out to my Dad. As I mentioned before, after visiting my Grandmother in the hospital, I was completely overcome with emotion. My Dad was driving me back and I completely burst in to tears. I had the strangest sensation that I had to tell him everything right then and there, but I held my tongue. I don't know if this was a complete copout, but I was second guessing myself, and of course I was terrified, but I also didn't want to bypass my grief for my Grandmother by bringing other stuff into the mix. I dunno, it was a strange moment for me.

On Meeting Guys
Well, I always feel shallow when I talk about this kind of stuff, especially after the heavier stuff early in the post, but since I guess my attraction to guys is at the very core of this entire thing, I guess it's relevant.

So my one experience at a gay bar before "The Revelation" was in Austria last year. I was there by myself, and decided for my vacation I'd be true to myself and visit some of the gay bars there. Now, being temporarily out on a vacation is kind of terrifying in dimensions I hadn't even anticipated, the first being the language barrier of course, and the second being general touristy fears of shady characters. Still, I was pretty lucky cause in the very first bar I went to (Village Bar), I found some British and Australian expats who were all totally friendly and cool, and became my impromptu gay guides for the night. We ended up at this terrible club with awful music and horrible lights (it was called "Why Not") and it was honestly the most fun I've had in years. We spent the whole night drinking, making friends, talking to a few guys, and it was just an amazing experience. I have to think this was probably one of the most positive experiences I can attribute toward making my decision, so I guess it's not all just fear and anxiety.

I went to G Lounge in Chelsea on Friday for the first time, even though I've walked by it for years and always been curious. While it was definitely more stressful than my Austria trip, it was still exciting to be putting myself out there finally after obsessing about it for so long. I talked to this really cute guy in line, and I probably sounded completely high because I was so anxious, but he was a good sport about it, and we just shot the shit for a while and talked about other gay bars. Inside the bar, I had this strange feeling that this one guy was checking me out, so I went up to talk to him, and he gave me this attitude-face, so... I guess I was wrong there. Oh well. I was kind of mortified, and pretty drunk at this point, so I was planning on turning tail and getting out of there, but then these two really cute black guys (JJ and Shane? I think were their names) beckoned me over, and we started talking and talking; I didn't mention the whole newly coming out thing cause I wanted to sound kind of worldly, does that make me lame? Anyway, they were in a relationship together, and SUPER YOUNG (I don't think they were actually 21), but they were just awesome people to talk to and it was just great to have a real conversation for once, yknow? I should have probably exchanged e-mails or phone numbers, but oh well.

After that night out I think I'm going to try to be a little more proactive in planning to meet people, both to expand my network of gay friends, and to meet guys. I like computers, so I think I'm gonna be more bold in using tools like twitter and this blog to find places to go. I'm also gonna try one of those online dating sites. I'm kinda nervous about the traditional sites (like, here's my picture and my info, message me if you like me), as I'm not out to my friends yet, and it's just scary to think that that information would be floating out there, but I think I'd be comfortable doing one of those online speed dating sites. Is that crazy? Anyone have any recommendations?

A Billion Questions Unanswered
There's still so much I can't visualize about this process, but the blog is helping, I think.