OK, I'm Gay. Now What?

A Great Story

2012-01-18T08:47:00.003-05:00

I know I've let this blog lay pretty dead for a while. Got a new job, everything's going great, nothing much to write about. Things have been going great with Chris and my family. I have been pretty content just letting this blog lay dormant, and its kind of nice to have as a historical record of my coming out process. I look back at some of the stuff I wrote and I shake my head at how nervous and neurotic and irrational I seem sometimes, but I really like having it there, because it reminds me how much I've been able to accomplish.

If any of you follow the WTF podcast with Marc Maron, it's a great glimpse into the personal lives of standup comics. Though it's always comics, its not really a comedy show- it usually gets very personal and it gives you a glimpse into the lives of comics when they're not "on". This week Marc Maron featured Todd Glass, a former contestant on comedy reality show Last Comic Standing, a regular featured guest on "Tosh.0", and a staple of the touring comedy circuit; I was already familiar with his work and a pretty big fan. I was really excited to hear him on the show this week, and in the show, he came out professionally!

While coming out stories are a dime-a-dozen these days (which is a good thing), I think Todd's story is really intriguing, because he is 47, and struggled with almost the exact same issues I did. He really does a great job here of just speaking his mind completely honestly and unpacking his entire thought process, and it is eerie how specifically similar my process was to his. He is incredibly honest in going through all of his feelings and tracing the roots of his internalized homophobia, and I really was incredibly moved by his ability to share the details of his personal journey with the world.

Anyway, congratulations to Todd Glass and I wish him all the best!

Strippers!

2011-07-12T09:13:00.003-04:00

Letopho posted about his New York trip, and accused me of being "well-adjusted"! That was a first, I think. Despite my well-adjustedness, I still feel like a bit of a gay noob sometimes, and it leads to odd etiquette questions like, is it weird to go to a strip club with your boyfriend?

Miss Manners was not able to answer my question before this past Sunday, where after a rooftop dinner shared with our friend, with much wine, and other intoxicants, we decided it would be a good idea to check out a strip club. As you can infer from the types of places I dragged Letopho to on his New York tour, despite being generally a good girl, I have a weakness for the really seedy gay bars, go-go boys and the like, but I had never been to a gay male strip club! I have actually been to most straight strip clubs in the city, both from my awkward closeted days, but even afterwards, for friends' birthday parties, bachelor parties, and even a pretty well respected steakhouse/strip club here in New York that was quite an odd experience. I have not had occassion to go to a gay strip club, mostly because there aren't any. There are some venues that do individual nights as a male cabaret, but they're not on odd days, and I had never had the opportunity to check them out. In either case, I figured it was time to lose my gay strip club cherry and check out Le Boyz. I found this flyer here:

And we headed over. Now a few things to note about our experience at this particular club. First things first- everything on that flyer is pretty much a lie. When we got to the door, they were trying to charge us cover, but I showed them the flyer that says "Free Admission". This caused a ridiculous commotion and they had to call 2 people at the door before they grudgingly let us in, and we found that the place was pretty empty, at about 11pm. I don't know if we were too early or too late or whatever, but there were only about 4 strippers in the whole place, of varying quality. The second lie is that the strippers were pretty much nothing like the guys on that flyer, but that's probably pretty common.
As our eyes adjusted to the dim basement, we found that it was not at all like the strip club experience I was expecting. There was no stage show or anything, and it was really just strippers in their underwear walking up to you and aggressively propositioning you for a lapdance, often pulling down their underwear to flash a seemingly unending schlong. These "lapdances" occurred in the corner but in plain sight of the whole room and from where I saw looked less like what I was expecting, and more like grinding their crotch into your face. I definitely got the feeling that this situation could have escalated to more for more money, but it felt really... uncomfortable. It's not JUST because I was there with my boyfriend, but also just it wasn't what I was expecting. I would have liked a stage where I could stuff dollars in a guy's g-string, or maybe a more artistic lapdance, where you're not allowed or expected to grope and lick the dancers.
In either case, despite our initial uncomfortability, we got a little more relaxed when more people showed up, and just like us, for the most part, they just ignored the dancers and treated the place as a normal gay club. We spotted what we believed to be a drag house meeting, where they were all trading some sick moves, and we did our own dancing by the bar and it ended up being a lot of fun, just the three of us.
I wouldn't go back for the Le Boyz event though. Just wasn't a fan of the set up, the door attitude, or the massive hangover on Monday morning...

Under Pressure

2011-06-27T08:19:00.003-04:00

So imagine the pressure a couple feels to get married after being together about 2 years, from friends, family, etc. Now imagine all that pressure, condensed into the span of about 48 hours, and you have my weekend pretty much. Not complaining! It's a good problem to have!

I hope everyone had an amazing pride!

Gym, Marriage Equality

2011-06-21T09:09:00.006-04:00

Been on a bit of a gym kick lately, maybe cause it's nice out, and maybe because I want to go back to that nude beach soon! In addition to going to yoga once or twice, I've started doing some circuit training on weekends. It's from the Men's Health "Jason Statham" workout (pictured above)... Mmmm.

I was hoping to go yesterday and today, but I keep getting roped into the Marriage Equality NY phonebanks, which are right by my work, and it does seem more important than ever to go to and help out. I've been doing that for a few weeks now. We call registered democrats in the districts of undecided NY state senators, and urge them to leave voicemails for their senator in support of gay marriage.

It's a little scary to cold call potentially unfriendly people in upstate new york, but it is nice to be a part of something like this, and I really hope it works out.

Vegas. Baby.

2011-05-10T15:48:00.006-04:00

I was in Vegas all weekend for my college roommate's bachelor party! I was the only gay guy in the group, so the weekend was mostly spent going to overpriced crowded straight clubs and really cheesy strip clubs, but it was really great to hang out with my friends and we had a great time. I even bet the winning horse in the Kentucky Derby so I was up overall for the weekend!

As it turned out, I ended up staying a day longer than my other friends, so my night I was by myself I decided to check out an acrobatic/dance show (La Reve) and the gay nightlife, or what I could find of it. Really, what I would have liked to find was a sleazy gay strip club, but apparently there aren't any! A lot of people recommended Flex lounge, but it was pretty far, and I had heard its not very busy on Sundays.

I got free entry to the Closet Sundays party at the Revolution Lounge at the Mirage, so I decided to go and check out the go-go boys. I hate going to clubs by myself, I even hated it when I was single, but it was actually really fun. I met a really fabulous drag queen, whose name I'm forgetting [looked it up later, it was Lady Kimora], and I provided some financial assistance to some go-go boys in the form of dollar bills in their underwear. When I had arrived it wasn't even very crowded, so I got a great seat at a table, which was a real treat after the weekend of expensive bottle service required at all the straight clubs. As the club got more crowded two other guys sat at the same table, and after that it got less fun...

I had made polite conversation with them at first, but then when it became clear that one of them was in to me, I told him, "Sorry, I have a boyfriend," and I thought that would be the end of it. But instead, the guy got increasingly more awkward, asking me questions like "Why are you here if you have a boyfriend? Why are you drinking a beer if you aren't trying to get drunk?" All in all, the questions started like a normal conversation, but got even a little hostile toward the end. I tried to ignore him, but when he started trying to put his arm around me, I decided I'd had enough and I left the table. All told, I still had a great time at the club, and I wasn't going to let one drunk asshole ruin it.

Later on though, in my best Carrie Bradshaw impersonation, I couldn't help but wonder-- are monogamous coupled gays not invited to the party? I probably should have started my blog post with some sort of explanation for the sparse postings on my part, but a big part of it has to do with the fact that I don't feel the loneliness and closeted misery that was driving me to start the blog in the first place, or the novelty of the gay scene that motivated me to continue posting as a single gay man. I'm incredibly happy in my daily life, but I can't imagine boring someone else with the details of my regular routine. In kind of the same way, the gay social life seems so defined by the hookup culture, that I sometimes feel like I don't belong-- that I'm rude to even be wasting people's time since I'm unavailable.

Anyway, that's silly. Gay men are a community that should be more than who you're able to hook up with at that given moment. A lot of people say that coming out is the beginning of a delayed, accelerated second adolescence, and maybe because I came out so late in life, I rushed through that whole process too, but now that I'm experiencing a broader side of the gay community- the LGBT activism community, the networking group at my work, and I've begun working with gay-community charities in New York such as Green Chimneys and GMHC. As I become more involved in the gay community I am continually impressed by the power of the collective and the unity that I have come to feel from the people I have met and I'm proud to be a part of it.

P.S. I promise to post more than once every 5 months going forward so letopho can stop yelling at me about it :P.
P.P.S. Speaking of gay community and activism, I met Rosie O'Donnell at a Family Equality Council benefit! Did you know she and her partner have adopted 10 kids??

P.P.P.S. Yeah... I don't know what I was thinking with that tie.

President's Day Staycation Spa Elegance

2011-02-21T15:09:00.002-05:00

Pamper Thyself.

Love Story

2011-02-14T18:03:00.002-05:00

Happy V-Day my loves! More importantly, for those of you who have been reading along for the past two years (CRAZY, RIGHT?) this is the anniversary of my big coming out with most of my NY friends! We're celebrating by getting dinner and then going back to the bar where I came out to everyone over a round of tequila shots. I think we're going to commemorate the occasion by, well, doing more tequila shots!

When I look back at this blog and my life and everything that's changed in the past two years, it's been such an intense and rewarding experience, and a big part of that support came initially from this blog and the story I was able to share and get such powerful feedback on, and I wanted to thank everyone again, if I hadn't before.

As a corollary, I read a really interesting review of this book "A Box of Darkness". Well, no way for me to spoil the plot, but it's basically it's a true story- a woman's memoirs after her husband has died and she looks into his possessions and finds gay porn, evidence of homosexual affairs spanning the entire length of their marriage.

Honestly, I don't think I could ever read this book. Part of it is that this woman's story sounds kind of sad to me. Their relationship, which clearly, if it lasted their whole lives, despite his double life, couldn't have been all bad, but it does seem that there was this one way in which she found she had never satisfied her partner. Furthermore, from the excerpt, it sounds like his closetedness drove him to alcoholism, which made him be not such a great partner in other ways as well.

The other part is that, three years ago, when coming out was not an option to me at all, this is probably the type of life I was striving for. I think that stories like this, or Larry Craig, or any of those crazy closeted Republican politicians that turn out to be lifelong closet cases, are the ones that make me take stock and realize that what I was trying to do and trying to be all those years never made sense.

So this is a love story to myself and to anyone out there who has felt that they could never live the life they deserve. I am proud of myself and the people in my life who allowed me to love myself for who I am, and I am happier than I could ever have imagined.

Chinese New Year Resolutions!

2011-02-07T17:33:00.003-05:00

Belated Gong Hay Fat Choy everyone!

I'm taking on a lot of late resolutions this year, so I'm just pretending they line up with the lunar new year so I don't seem lazy :P

So I have been a casual social smoker since college, and I've found quitting to be pretty hard in the past, but I haven't had a smoke in like a month, and I've been more upfront with friends and co-workers to tell them I'm quitting and not to offer me any or even ask me to go downstairs or anything. It's progress.

As part of that general idea, I've also tried to change up my workout plan. I was really good for a while about going to yoga and some of my gym classes, but once the weather got really bad I got pretty bad at it. After the blizzard at the end of December here, I probably didn't go to the gym for 3 weeks, and in the past few weeks I've gone maybe once a week, which isn't really enough to stay in shape (and justify the pricey new york gym membership prices).

I thought I'd try something totally different. I recently bought an Xbox 360 with the kinect camera accessory for the dancing game, and cause I eventually want to get the new Rock Band, and I found they have a few different fitness games too. I went with Your Shape: Fitness Evolved, but there are a few other nearly identical fitness titles. The idea is it tracks your movement with the camera and gives you workouts and critiques your form. It's kind of like P90X or Insanity, but with a little more feedback and some positive incentives in the form of video game achievements and points. It's actually pretty fun! I just got it on Friday, and I've done a little exercising every day since I got it. I'm gonna be tracking my progress, so hopefully I'll have something measurable in a month or so.

I think that I was in the best shape right after I came out- partly because I was dating a lot then and really body-conscious, and also because I loved going to the gay gym in Chelsea and checking out the hot guys. So, I've definitely lost that definition, and I'd love to get back to just being a little more active. Hopefully by basing my workouts at home, I'll be able to keep up my activity levels during these freezing winter months, at least until the weather is nice enough to run and bike outside again.

Chinese Mothers, Aiyyaa

2011-01-08T17:58:00.006-05:00

I keep re-reading this Wall Street Journal entitled "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" desperately searching for some trace of irony, but I can't seem to find it. The author brags about how she has raised her daughters in the Chinese tradition, and feels no qualms about calling her daughter "garbage" to her face, or saying (this is a direct quote!) "Hey fatty—lose some weight." She even apparently crows about her parenting style at dinner parties, which sounds super fun.
She gives a laundry list of the actions her children were prohibited from, which includes:

attend a sleepover
have a playdate
be in a school play
watch TV or play computer games
choose their own extracurricular activities
get any grade less than an A
...

I can't help but think that my mother had a very similar list, which also included

kiss members of the same sex

I don't think that it's any coincidence that there are legions of formerly painfully closeted Asian bloggers out there, and that it took me until I was almost 30 before I had the self-confidence and courage to come out to myself and others. I'm not blaming my parents for my own agency, but this article strikes a little close to home for me.

What a difference a day makes

2010-12-29T12:09:00.003-05:00

The view from my balcony on Sunday:

The view from my balcony on Monday:

Ok, I know I'm the worst blogger in the world, because I haven't been, um, blogging. I wish I could say I've been too busy, but with all the national coverage this snowstorm in nyc has been getting you'd probably figure out that's not true. I've been holed up in my apartment for 3 days, working from home. I only left to drop off drycleaning, which was only across the street, and even that took about 10 minutes just to cross the crazy mountains of snow outside.

So things have been good. My parents included Chris on our family's Christmas card, which was unexpected to say the least. I didn't get to go home for the holidays because I was working, and flights were crazy expensive (and it's just as well that I didn't because I'd probably be stuck in a layover in Denver right now). I did get to skype with them, but it wasn't quite the same- I think I'll try to go back and visit early next year.

Chris and I have been cooking a ton. Mostly cold weather stuff.

He gave me a better Christmas gift than I gave him. Argh.

The thing is, with gay couples that live together, I'm pretty sure that both people get the same amount of use out of any gift item. Example, last year I gave him a North Face jacket that I wear all the time too. He got me a cast iron dutch oven that we both use to cook (and is amazing, for anyone who is debating getting one).

Sorry this post is so late and so boring. I'm really thinking of changing up this blog, maybe freezing this one and moving to tumblr or some new format just to change it up a little... I really loved this format, but I don't feel like I'm in the same place that I was 2 years ago when I started it, and maybe it's time for something completely different...

California Gurls

2010-10-20T10:13:00.004-04:00

WeHo

On my last trip to california, I got to hang out in LA for a few days, and I met up with prolific gay asian blogger letopho! We took two pics together, and though I thought the one above looked better, I'm including the second one:

because you can see the gogo boy's crack, and it looks like there's some strange going down in the photobooth.

Weddings

I also met up with a friend who moved from NY to LA with his bf of 10 years, and they are one of those couples just waiting for gay marriage to be legalized in California now. For their sake I hope it's soon. We ended up talking a lot about gay marriage conventions, which were all new to me since I have never been to one. Topics were things like:

He said both grooms are supposed to wear white? That sounds awful.
I asked, who do you dance with? Your mom or your dad?
Do you have groomsmen or bridesmaids or both?

Obviously the answer is "whatever you want", but it's fun to talk about.

Neither of us had been to a gay wedding, but our friend had been to a lesbian wedding and said they retained most of the traditional elements, except for things like a bouquet toss.

Also, on a somewhat related note, a female friend of mine has asked me to be a "bridesman" at a wedding next year. Is that a thing? Oh well I'll let you know how that goes.

Ghey

So one thing that kind of shocked me in California, and maybe this is just a weird sampling, but I heard 3 grown adults, completely educated, and otherwise non-homophobic people say "That's gay" in conversation. I really can't remember the last time that I heard anyone over college-age in NYC say that. Is that actually ok to say in California, or maybe are people in NY just better at censoring themselves around me?

In one case, a girl said it, and immediately corrected herself awkwardly, unfortunately with "I mean, retarded". /facepalm.

In another case, my friend's ex said it, and she immediately challenged him on it (which I'm glad she did, because it would have been awkward if I had done it, as I barely knew him and he was giving us rides all over town), and he got a little defensive about it.

I'm not super-soapboxy about it, but I more surprised to hear it at all, more than anything else.

It's Getting Better All The Time

2010-10-04T09:14:00.008-04:00

You have to be living under a rock to not have heard about one of the many recent tragic gay suicides that have been in the news so often lately. The story is so templatized by now that it is really scary- high school or college boy gets bullied to the point of suicide. Dan Savage has encouraged people to record video messages to these youths- in his "It Gets Better" project. But damn it, Jim, I'm a blogger, not a videographer.

Anyone reading this blog has probably experienced gay bullying of some kind. In my case, it was one of the forces that probably kept me in the closet so long; I dated girls in High School because it was the easiest way to dodge accusations-- and that lie got carried out through college and into my adult life. I attended a rigorously academic private school, and even there, anyone who even had rumors about their sexuality became socially stigmatized to near ostracism. By the time I was at college, even at a much more accepting place, I had internalized so much of that fear and self-loathing that I just kept it up. And the rest... well, read the blog.

I know I'm not the most prolific writer out there, but I do hope that this is getting read by people out there that are in the same boat, and are looking for positive examples for people living a normal, actualized life and living without fear. Whether you're in high school, college, or even if you're like I was- a desperately unhappy 28-year old who was trying to figure out how to undo a lifetime of second-guessing, I hope that I am living proof that it does get better.
So after all that, here are my updates. Despite my proclamation of not attending straight weddings in California, I'm still attending a crazy number of weddings in California (photobooth from the most recent one pictured here). Sigh. I make up for compromising my personal politics by eating a lot of tasty hors d'œuvres.

My parents have come around really well- in fact, as I am typing this, they are sleeping in the guest room at Chris and my apartment. They're visiting for the weekend, and it's actually been really great with them. I have also heard through the grapevine that they're much more comfortable telling their old friends about me. And hey, if 60 year old Chinese immigrant parents can proudly tell their friends their son is gay... it's got to be getting better, right?

Coast to Coast

2010-08-30T12:45:00.004-04:00

Haven't posted in a while, just thought I'd drop a note. Just been crazy busy this summer. For all my bravado earlier, I wasn't able to say no to any of the straight weddings I've been invited to, so as a result I'm on my 3rd cali trip this year, with 2 more to go! It's fun, but getting expensive and exhausting! Thank god for in-flight wi-fi.

I haven't taken Chris to any of the family weddings yet, even though he was invited, just because I'm not sure if it's the right time. He's met all my cousins and some of my aunts and uncle's individually, but something about introducing him to the big collective all at once does seem a little daunting. I don't even think this is a gay thing anymore, I think I'm just in long term relationship waters I've never really been in before, and I think probably everyone deals with this. Not in a big rush though, I figure I'll introduce him to the big family when it feels right.

Yesterday at the wedding reception at a big table with my cousins, the inevitable topic of "so, who's next?" came up. A lot of people looked at me suggestively and my cousin asked if that was in our future, but I just shoved more cake in my mouth. Not ready for that one yet. And cake is really good.

New Hood, New Gym

2010-07-26T19:39:00.009-04:00

New Hood!

So when Chris and I moved in together, we actually moved into a new neighborhood. I'm now in the East Village. That means that pretty much everything about this blog is outdated now. I'm no longer in Chelsea; I don't feel like such a noob anymore; I'm out; and I'm already 30. I guess I should update the sidebar at some point but I'm lazy.

New Gym!

So I recently joined a new gym too, David Barton. For those of you who don't know David Barton, they have clients like Anderson Cooper and ads like this:
Did I mention their motto is "Look Good Naked"?

Basically they blatantly cater to the gay clientele. These are the only yoga classes you'll ever see that are 12 guys and 1 girl. It's pretty hilarious. But the gym is really nice, and the yoga instructors and most of the gym bunnies are nice eye candy. I know it's shallow, but I like going to gyms with pretty men in them. For one thing, you get motivated when you see someone with really nice arms or something, and also it gives you something to look at so you don't get bored.
So I've been trying to go to yoga twice a week, and also some of the group fitness classes. These are kind of like indoor boot camp classes. I did one a few weeks ago called "Guns" that was just really intense interval training with dumbell arm workouts. This past weekend I did one called "Rope Burn" that was a jumprope class with interval workouts; that one kicked my ass. It still hurts to go down stairs. I still made it to my yoga class, but it was pain.

I feel like i'm making huge progress though! Maybe its the lighting in the yoga studio, but my arms look huge doing some of the poses. I'm also SOOO close to being able to do a forearm stand. I really think I'm gonna get it within the next two weeks if I can stick with it.

The goal of course, is to go back to the nude beach looking my best. "Look Good Naked" indeed.

Dream Lover

2010-07-24T15:38:00.006-04:00

So I had a dream last night that a Sean Cody model was hitting on me. Specifically, this Sean Cody Model:This is what happens when you watch a lot of porn right before bed, I guess. I remember distinctly in my dream that he wanted to make out with me, and I had to say "No, sorry, I have a boyfriend."

I woke up a bit later and was like... WAIT, that was a dream? AUGH! I tried to go back to sleep but you can never continue like that. Sad times. That could have been one for the ages.

I told Chris in the morning, and he just laughed. For the record, he clarified that dream-hookups are fine. So... Mr. Sandman, if you're reading this blog, bring me a dream Jamie again, some time soon, k?

Castro!

2010-07-21T04:11:00.003-04:00

Hehe, at the suggestions of some friends, I checked out some bars in the Castro tonight on my last night here in SF.

I went to Q bar, which was having Ladies Night, which was appropriate because I was meeting 3 girls there, and they actually got some kind of drink special which was a good way to start the evening. We left when the cute barback took our table away, and the music got too loud to talk.

We went to Toad Hall, but it was kinda dead. Our friends chatted up the bartender who they knew and was kinda flirty with me, but it wasn't worth staying at, so we moved on.

We ended up at Badlands, where we were trying to find their friend a "Pocket Gay" (from what I can tell, this is a twink, just with a better name), and we danced the rest of the night away. Now I have to get up in 5 hours for a conference call. Ugh, now I remember why I hated being single and going out on weekdays before. I'm old.

Visiting SF!

2010-07-19T00:54:00.003-04:00

I took this picture as I was walking through the Castro today, but honestly I haven't had a chance to go to any of the places that have been recommended to me (thanks letopho!). Between work, catching up with friends, and family functions, I've been swamped!

I have to say I do love how cruise-y SF is. You definitely get this vibe when guys are looking you over more in this city than in NY. I'm not looking, but it's still flattering :). I'd like to think it might be because I've been working out more recently (probably gonna post more on that later).

Hoping to check out some gay bars, maybe go-go bars, before I leave?

Baths!

2010-07-17T14:02:00.002-04:00

I'm in San Fran for a week, for a wedding and then cause my brother just had another kid. So after a day of running around the park with my other nephew, my back was killing me. I decided to get a massage. I tried out this place called "Kabuki Springs" in Japantown, mostly because I was intrigued by their communal baths. I had done these in Japan, actually, but this was a little different.

Now, certain days are single-sex, and entirely clothing optional. It's not seedy like a gay bathhouse (although I would estimate that 90% or more of the people there are gay) (and... I totally have been to a seedy gay bathhouse before- story for another time), as there are attendants and a strict no-sex policy. But I do have to say that I did really kind of dig the voyeuristic aspect of the whole thing. For the most part, the guys there were actually really hot.

Oh the massage was nice too :/

What's the Situasian?

2010-07-16T01:36:00.003-04:00

So apparently they're shopping around an Asian version of "Jersey Shore". Ok, stop right there, the idea is stupid. BUT, there's a ridiculously hot guy on it. Peter Le.

Gawker calls him "The Asian Situation". Disgrasian calls him "The Situasian", which is even better.

This guy looks amazing. I could work out for years and stop drinking soda and eating food, and I would not look like that. But fuck it, right? He's hot.

Pride!

2010-06-29T08:21:00.002-04:00

So last year I was indisposed so this was the first year I could really attend pride events, like the parade. It was awesome!

Broadway Bares

So as a sharp-eyed commenter noticed, I was in the audience of Broadway Bares XX, which was HOT! I thought it would be cheesy and show-tuney, and while there was some of that, it was basically the best strip show I've ever been to. If you ever get the chance, I HIGHLY recommend it. I didn't take any pics cause I was shy, but tons of people did.

James Beard Gay Soiree

So I'm also a bit of a foodie, and the James Beard house has an annual cocktail party celebrating gay chefs throughout the city. It was Saturday, the day before pride, and the food was unbelievably good.

My favorite were the cupcakes served by this amazing drag queen, Chocolatina.

She was about seven feet tall.

PARADE!

So I didn't get to attend the parade last year due to a slightly embarassing conflict (go back in the archives if you have to know), but I went this year and it was AWESOME!

And some of the schwag from the parade handouts:

Happy Pride everyone!

Happy Pride!!!

2010-06-25T17:47:00.010-04:00

So excited for pride this year!

Been going to some related events already.

Poconos

So for memorial day our friends organized a rafting trip in the poconos. I was apprehensive, but it ended up being awesome.

Europe

So I mentioned Amsterdam and Belgium, but the good pics are on my friend's camera, and she's still in Europe, so this is one of mine.

Mermaid Parade

So the coney island mermaid parade is not gay-related by definition, but there's definitely alot of queer interest, so it is pretty fun, and seems related to Pride somehow. Chris and I made it out there with some friends and it was super fun.

I want one of these bikes!

Pride Weekend

For pride weekend, we have a lot planned already. We're going to see the soccer game tomorrow, and then we're going to this dinner being thrown that features a lot of notable gay chefs from high-profile restaurants in NYC. Sunday we're going to meet some friends for brunch and watch the parade, and we're doing a BBQ afterwards back at our new place!

Gym

In other news, I've been getting back into working out after moving to the new 'hood and finding a new gym. I'm kind of liking my new one. I'm trying to go at least 4 times a week, 2 of those times being yoga classes. We'll see how it goes...

Happy Pride everyone!

What comment setting to use?

2010-06-16T18:32:00.001-04:00

Back from Amsterdam and Belgium! The pics are on my friend's camera but I'll find a good one for you guys soon.

In the meantime, what setting do you other bloggers use to avoid all the crazy linkspam? I thought by forcing it to be registered users it would be fine, but it doesn't seem to be working. Should I go down to just Google Accounts?

Bleh, Cleaning up all this spam sucks.

Vacay!

2010-06-08T07:27:00.003-04:00

With the stress of the move behind us, we're going on vacation!

Anyone got any recommendations for Amsterdam/Belgium?

Domesticity and stuff and stuff

2010-06-02T15:19:00.006-04:00

Domesticity Update

Chris moved his stuff in last week! We've been living together for about 2 weeks, really, and we had our first party here on Memorial day and it was a total success!

I told my Dad and he didn't sound super thrilled actually, but whatever, I'll let them be. Haven't talked to my Mom directly about it yet.

My new favorite thing

So this is a conversation I've had about 3 times in the past month.

Friend: Wow you guys are moving in!
Me: Yep.
Friend: That's huge! Moving in is like, the gay equivalent of getting married!
Me: [straight face] I would hope that getting married is the gay equivalent of getting married.
Friend: [liberal guilt for the rest of their life].

Hehe. I know, I'm bad.

Speaking of weddings

I have like 7 weddings to go to this year, most in California. It's costing me a fortune in plane tickets, hotels, and gifts. The monetary hit wouldn't feel quite so sharp if it wasn't all in support of such a shamelessly unequal institution. I know this all sounds a little tired, but there it is. So I think starting in 2011, I'm going to be up front with my friends and family and let them know that I just am not going to attend any weddings in states that don't allow gay marriage. I dunno if i'll be able to commit to this for real, but we'll see.

Oh yeah

Anyone have any recommendations on how to stop the ridiculous comment spam? I even turned on the captcha thing and I still get flooded with it.

Movin' right along in search of good times and good news

2010-05-09T12:48:00.002-04:00

We move in next Saturday! Apartment is picked, lease is signed! The place is really sweet, by manhattan standards. Huge, usable kitchen, top floor of an elevator building so no street noise or stomping neighbors above you, new appliances, outdoor space (!), washer/dryer unit IN the apartment (!). Even with all that, the two of us will be paying less combined rent than we did before which is great. It doesn't seem so great right this second when I just had to shell out a 2 month deposit, and I still haven't gotten the deposit from my old apartment back, but it will be really great. I may post a picture once we get the whole place set up, although with the 2 of us moving in, and having to decide who is keeping what, that may be a while.

I met Chris's Mom and aunt yesterday and they are both amazing- I think things are better with my parents too, but I haven't had a chance to tell them about our moving in yet. They have been great about stuff recently, but I never know when I have big announcements like this.

Anyway, that's what's up with me. I dunno what's going on with all these chinese spam commenters.

Start your Engines!

2010-04-20T18:44:00.004-04:00

I'm super obsessed with RuPaul's drag race this season. I think I'm going to have a big viewing party for the Finale next Monday!

My favorite by far is Jujubee, the token Asian. I wasn't that big a fan to tell the truth, as she did this "bowing" thing on the runway that I was taken aback by, but she won me over with her killer reading skills a few episodes back.

So I thought I'd try out this tool http://www.dragulator.com/, promoted by the site. Here's what I came up with:

I may have missed my calling. So I need some help coming up with a drag name, y'all!

[UPDATE: OH! And I forgot to give you guys an update on how the meet and greet with the parents went. It went great! My parents have totally come around. They brought Chris a box of chocolates, and after dinner the second night, my Mom gave Chris a hug! I was super impressed with them (although I'm pretty sure my sister called them up and yelled at them to get them to behave). However it happened, it was amazing, and I'm really happy that they've come around and are still a big part of my life. I'm gonna meet Chris's Mom some time next month]

Updates on everything

2010-03-26T00:15:00.003-04:00

Been super busy with work, and friends visiting, and planning the move and everything. Quick update hit-and-run:

Picked the charities to donate to! I picked HRC and the Empire State Pride Agenda! One cool tool I found when doing this is Charity Navigator, which offers some metrics on how efficiently some charities are run, and suggests similar charities based on their focus.
Chris and I are gonna start looking for places soon! Eep, I gotta start packing, and selling a ton of crap I can't bring myself to move again. I have like 4 boxes of old comic books that really should just not be taking up space in my new apartment.
So my parents are coming in 2 weeks, and I decided to give them the option of whether or not they wanted to meet Chris this visit, and they actually sounded pretty open to the idea! I definitely did NOT mention that we were talking about moving in yet, and I think I'll probably tell them way later, depending on how well the in-person meeting goes.

So that's what's going on with me. Aight, I have to get caught up on my blogs. And my porn.

Happy Gayversary!

2010-03-01T12:46:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm actually a little late on this, but I thought I'd like to thank you all for coming to celebrate my gayversary. My first "coming out speech" was just over a year ago, at the beginning of February last year. What a long, strange, trip it has been.

I've managed to come out to pretty much all of my close family members. There are a few family members that just haven't been easy to contact logistically. I have 2 cousins in Australia that I've always felt close to, but I have had trouble finding convenient times to call, and calling someone out of the blue to come out seems so forced, although I guess I did that a lot. I have also heard, and this is completely not based on my experiences with my cousins, that Australians are in generally more socially conservative? I have never broached this subject with them, and I just don't want to trip some kind of cultural minefield.

In relationship news, I spent the first 3 months of my gay life being a big whore :), and then I met Chris and suddenly became a relationship gay. To be honest, looking back on it, I really probably thought I would be single for over a year, and date more, but I really don't regret any of it. I am really happy in my relationship right now.

Which... brings us to the newest piece of news... Chris and I are going to move in together! We're going to start looking at places when my lease is up in June. I'm so excited! He basically already spends every day at my apartment anyway, and it would be economical and practical, but MORE than that, I CANNOT WAIT to live with him! Ugh, now I'm getting all gushy. Still, it is exciting building a life with someone in a way that, 2 years ago, I had completely blocked myself off to.

The only snag is he still hasn't met my parents. I really think my parents will flip out if I move in with someone they've never met (but to be honest... they're going to flip out anyway, right?). Ugh, I need some advice on how to handle this one.

Holidays and Charity

2010-02-18T08:56:00.003-05:00

So the past two weeks were a blast. My friends cooked a big Chinese New Year feast last week and it was amazing. I won a hundred bucks in my superbowl pool. My sister came to town and I finally saw Wicked. And I probably had about the best valentine's day ever.

So things are going pretty good for me personally. It's also the time of year that my company does charity matching, and since everything's so good for me, I really want to give something back and donate to a charity that is important. I have already donated to a few causes this year. Haiti, a lymphoma society that my friends are running a triathalon for. However, for this, since it's matched and ostensibly from my company, I kind of feel like I should donate to a high profile LGBT advocacy group. I don't really know many. The only ones I know of are GLAAD and Marriage Equality USA. Between the two, I'm kind of inclined to go with Marriage Equality, but are there any other high profile, worthwhile gay advocacy groups I should consider?

Big hugz

2010-01-31T09:41:00.002-05:00

Big hugz to Steve over at Lions, Tigers, and Science Oh My who just came out to his Mom and it didn't go so great.

When I was home over Christmas, there were moments where I felt like things maybe were ok with my Mom and Dad. They clearly were making some attempts to stay involved with my life, but I didn't know how much they wanted to know. Eventually they did ask a few questions about my bf; like where he's from, and what he does for a living (I didn't mention the unemployment, cause... that would not have made him very popular). I really hope it goes ok when I finally introduce him in person, but I should keep my expectations realistic.

I do think I still have a lot of disappointment and a little anger that my parents (my Mom in particular) didn't take my coming out very well, and in general made it all about her. Like I said to Steve, I think one of the hardest parts of growing up is realizing that your parents are imperfect, and that you can only expect so much of them before you get disappointed. My parents will never be the super-supportive PFLAG parents or anything, and if they're actually working hard to accept me for who I am, I have to be able to do the same and accept their slowness to accept change as well.

Anyway, good luck Steve, please keep us updated.

Home with friends

2010-01-30T10:14:00.003-05:00

I know, I know. Bad blogger.

So I'm up super early on a Saturday because the couple above me had a kid 2 years ago, and now he starts running around at 8am on hardwood floors. Great alarm clock on weekdays. Horrible inconvenience on weekends when you want to sleep off about 4 bottles of wine. Chris and I cooked Steak and Brussels Sprouts for some friends who came over and we watched Project Runway and some other shows. It kind of felt super adult, in some ways, but it was really fun.

We've been doing a good job of keeping up with my one New Year's resolution, which was to save money and cook more. Chris is a really good cook, and it's really fun to plan and execute a meal.

One of my friends visiting said I was "nesting". Ugh, breeders. ;)

Happy (Belated) New Year

2010-01-04T04:29:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to drop a belated New Year wish to everyone! I haven't been blogging at all cause I've been traveling to California, and I did a road trip with my cousins to Vegas for the past weekend!

Vegas was awesome. I went with 16 cousins (including some spouses) and this is the side that I'm fully out to. We always have a good time, and it was even more special to me because it was the first time I'd hung out with everyone in a group setting since coming out to them individually. I know it gets old cause I keep noting on it, but it's really great how nothing has changed with the relationships that were really important to me, other than that I am closer to them, and no longer lying to them. I can't express enough how much better I feel when I talk to them,

Now I'm in San Diego staying with some of them. Looking forward to eating a lot of good food down here, and doing a day trip to LA probably. Woo!

Eh, maybe I spoke too soon.

2009-12-28T07:07:00.003-05:00

Eh, just a few days after I post that I don't feel like a noob anymore, I get handed a bunch of situations that make me feel completely unprepared once again.

First off, my Mom is kind of "two steps forward, two steps back", and not in a Paula Abdul friendly kind of way. Like, I had mentioned to her last time that I was seeing someone, and she didn't seem that interested in hearing more, so I didn't really press the issue. This time she was asking questions about him, like how old he is and stuff. All of this seemed pretty good, and I was kind of happy my Mom was interested in my life again. Then she asked "Has he had previous partners?" She actually said this. I don't know if it was her Asian-ness or the fact that she was a doctor that made her feel entitled to that. I got kind of angry with her, and asked her if she had asked my Sister-in-law that. She doesn't even really have the decency to be embarassed or sheepish about it. Ugh. So they're a work in progress.

The big dilemma for me is coming in the form of family weddings, though. So I took Chris to a friend's wedding in Thanksgiving, and it was really fun. However, now I'm getting invited to a ton of cousin's weddings for this upcoming year. 4 so far, actually (I have a gigantic family). Not really sure what to do here.

My parents haven't met Chris in person. I dunno if a wedding is the right place for all that.
Plus, while I'm out to a lot of the cousins and aunts/uncles on my Mom's side, there are a lot of extended family I'm not. While I don't really care, I really don't want to cause any drama, especially at a cousin's wedding. I know it's lame, but I feel like it's probably better not to bring Chris to those.

So that's kind of lame. I mean, one of the things I love about Chris is that he's really understanding of my general overthinking of everything, and would understand if I'm not comfortable bringing him to all these weddings. It still kind of sucks though :(.

Eh, the first one isn't until April. I have some time to decide I guess.

Catch up

2009-12-24T03:06:00.004-05:00

Haven't posted in forever! I'm so behind on my blogs too! And my porn!

I've just had a string of visitors in town for the past few weeks. It's been fun, but it's been crazy.

The big 3-0

Everyone asks me if I felt like turning 30 was a big landmark, but I feel like I went through all the reassessment when I turned 29 (hence, uh, this blog, and everything that's happened because of it). I had an amazing birthday party with all my straight friends, and my new gay friends. I just got some space reserved at a casual bar in the east village, and people dropped by all night. At one point there were like 40 of my friends there! It's kind of a cliche, but I really do feel like my friends have been such an important part of my whole journey, and I think they were all really excited to be there, this year of all years, for so many reasons. My sister also came into town from DC, and it was the second time she and Chris have gotten to hang out a lot, and it was really fun. She likes him, a lot, which is important to me.

Gift update

So I ended up getting Chris a snowboarding Jacket- we're going to Vermont with some friends to go snowboarding for a 3-day weekend in January and we're really excited! He's never been at all, and doesn't have any snowboarding kit, so I'm gonna try to dig up an old bib and gloves and goggles from home, and I got him a new jacket and gloves for christmas. He got me a Le Creuset Dutch Oven that I've been wanting for a long time; we had discussed gifts like some of you guys suggested, and he basically came out and told me that he was totally stumped on gifts heh. It cooks like a dream (if you cook at all, you probably know Le Creuset), and the nice thing is we can cook more often with it.

Blizzard!

Even if you're in Cali, you probably heard about our little snowstorm, right? Just right after my sister left, my cousin and her husband came to town for a wedding and also crashed with me. They were supposed to fly out Sunday, but because of the Blizzard and the crazy holiday flights, they didn't get a flight out until TODAY. It was really cool to have them the extra days and we got to do more stuff, but it is nice to finally have my apartment back to myself. If just for the porn.

I fly back to Cali today after work! And right after the New Year's, I'm going to Vegas with my cousins! These are the cousins I'm out to. It wouldn't be so weird if I ditched them one night to go to a gay club, but where would I even go? I really just want to see strippers and go-go boys. Now that I'm 30, I'm comfortable being a dirty old man :D. Anyone know a good place?

30, out, not-a-noob

Turning 30, having an awesome boyfriend, and being pretty much out to everyone I know (ok, there's still my Dad's side of the family and some of my high school friends I haven't seen yet this year), I kind of feel like this blog was wildly successful in it's first task! And it's probably time to refocus it. I dunno. Probably with the new year I'll have a new title, about box, and stuff like that.

Ancient History

2009-12-08T00:21:00.004-05:00

The Ex!
So I had a weird conversation with my boyfriend last week after we both got back from our vacations. We had just got back from our vacations and were at our own apartments catching up on TV and blogs and whatnot while talking on the phone. As a joke, I said "did you catch up on your porn?" And he kinda laughed, and then he made the strangest comment. Basically, he said he was browsing one of porn roundup blogs and SAW HIS EX.

Now me, I act like Joe super-cool, and I laugh at that and ask some simple "Really? weird" type questions, but I'm SOOO CURIOUS!

Basically, from other conversations, what I've been able to piece together is:
1) It's a solo thing
2) The guy has a HUGE dick
3) They went out about 7 years ago, so this guy can't be that young
4) He's sure it's him because the guy has a distinctive tattoo.
5) They would have gone out in Virginia, so this guy might be from the south.

I know it's not a lot to go on, but based on the time frame I think it might be this guy... but eh, I think he'd be too young. Eh, still not sure. Maybe this guy? but he's not really solo.

Adding to the list
So this is the creepiest thing I've ever posted, but after seeing New Moon (I KNOW), I would totally add Taylor Lautner to my list except he's JAILBAIT. Gross right?

Nothing has made me feel older than Taylor Lautner. Not even the fact that I'm turning thirty, NEXT SUNDAY ><.

I love my unemployed boyfriend

2009-11-30T08:27:00.002-05:00

So I mentioned a few posts back that Chris recently got laid off, and I haven't really had time to process it, with all the crazy traveling. I think that actually, given that he has his severance to last him the next 2 months, and unemployment benefits, it will actually be really nice.

Him
To tell the truth, he was really stressed at that last job; the hours were bad and he hated it. It's very frustrating to be in a relationship with someone and witness them struggling against an obstacle they can't rise above, so in many ways I think this is gonna be a good move for him.

Also, with the free time, I'm kinda hoping that he'll get back into a regular fitness routine, which had fallen by the wayside with work and stuff. I know it's super shallow of me, but it's nice, right?

Also he's gonna cook for me on Wednesday! Sweet potato gnocchi, a recipe he picked up from his family over thanksgiving break!

Me
His unemployment will also force me to be more cost-conscious with my daily living, which, really, I needed. The recent travel has been AMAZING, but it really has kicked a little dent in my savings. With Chris having more free nights, and being more cost conscious, I'm hoping we will be spending more time cooking and watching movies at home, going to museums (which I get into for free), and going out drinking a little less. With the weather starting to turn cold in NYC, this is a good thing for other reasons.

The gift issue
The one big thing that really gets complicated now is the gift issue. So my 30th birthday is coming up in 2 weeks (ugh), and then Christmas is just 2 weeks after that. I was already really stressed that Chris might get me something super-extravagant for my birthday, and now I'm even moreso. Beyond that, his gift will kinda set the ballpark for Christmas gifts.

What are some good inexpensive ideas for new couples to do gift-wise? We really are not the "make things for each other" crew.

Thankful

2009-11-26T14:04:00.003-05:00

On a day like this it's good to think about the many things in my life I have to be thankful for.

For my Grandmother, who recently passed away, I am thankful for the sacrifices and hardship she took on in life, so that her children and grandchildren could have a better one.
I'm grateful for the rest of my family, who have for the most part, been incredibly supportive.
I'm thankful for my friends.
I'm thankful to be in a relationship with someone as patient and compassionate as my boyfriend.
I'm thankful to have a job, even though I complain about it more than I should.
I'm thankful for the unbelievable smells of homecooked food coming up from the kitchen. I gotta go get some of that!

I'm thankful for my life. It's good to be able to sit back and say that once in a while.

Introducing the BF to the sibs

2009-11-25T07:32:00.002-05:00

Leaving for SF tonight for Thanksgiving, and then Chris is flying in on Friday to attend our friends' wedding on Saturday, also in SF. My sibs wanted to meet him (not ready to introduce him to the parents yet), and 2 of my cousins caught word and wanted in too. I'm really excited to start introducing him to more of my family!

The one minor snag is Chris just got laid off. Like JUST last week, while I was in India. It sucks, but I'm not that concerned- he's a smart guy and I think he'll find a new job soon enough. I am just a little worried about my sibs and cousins hearing that one thing and focusing on it too much. Do you think I'm the worst boyfriend in the world if I ask him to just pretend he didn't get laid off at lunch with my family? I don't really see much downside, and it will keep the conversation from being too awkward, right?

Ugh, I'm so bad at all this.

Who's on your list?

2009-11-23T22:33:00.004-05:00

So other than the wedding, I spent most of my time in India traveling with my old roommate and his girlfriend of two years. We somehow got on the subject of movies that were bad, and he made fun of her for liking The Proposal and I innocently chimed in that I would watch it just for the scenes with Ryan Reynolds naked. My ex-roommate paused and turned to me and said "You like him? What is it about him?"

Apparently, I had stepped in a couple-minefield of theirs, which is their "lists". I have no idea why straight couples do this, but I guess that episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel have their list of exceptionally fuckable celebrities is true in real life. So, Ryan Reynolds is on his girlfriend's list and he's jealous. Still I realized I never really think about it that often and I don't know if I have a list, but I figured I'd try to put one together. This is unordered, and completely superficial. Personality doesn't matter unless it's Christian Bale, who is too psycho to consider fucking.

Ryan Reynolds

So I know I said personalities don't matter, but in this case they kinda do. Ryan Reynolds was already pretty cute in his comedian days, and then he decided to graft his funnyman head onto a super-ripped body for some crappy action movie and blew up into superstardom and my better wet dreams.

Jason Statham

So I'm pretty sure I've already posted this exact picture here, but that's cause it's one of the hotter pictures that's ever existed ever. Jason Statham actually started out as a fashion model before moving into movies, and that's cause he's hot and built like a tank.

Takeshi Kaneshiro

So I surprised my friend's girlfriend with this one. She blurted out "I thought you weren't into Asian guys." I was like, "Uh, why would you think that?" She mumbled something lame about, "Oh, all my gay Asian friends aren't into other Asian guys." I would have been offended by her weird generalization, but this was pretty late in our trip, and I had kind of gotten used to her saying provocative things to get a reaction out of them, so I just told her I was too narcissistic to not like other Asian guys. Like I've said before, I don't know if I really dated enough to have a real type... I kinda tasted the rainbow while I was dating.
Anyway, Takeshi Kaneshiro is sweet hotness on toast.

Patrick Wilson

I would have been on the fence about this one last year, but Watchmen sealed his geek credibility for me, so I'd totally do Patrick Wilson. He's a little bit too-all-american for my tastes, but I'll make an exception. Just this once.

Gabriel Garcia Bernal

This one comes with a bullet. There are some movies/stills where I'm not into him at all, and then there are some where he is stunning. Eh, but what am I saying, I'd do him even if he had a reverse mohawk and was covered in rat droppings.

So that's my list right now, but I'm probably forgetting a few. Sure there are plenty of hot celebrities out there, but the list is for people who make your breath just stop when you see them. Also, in the discussion with my friend's gf, she mentioned a lot of celebrities that I think are like "women-only". Like, I just don't think they have any gay appeal. These are like Colin Firth types. I can see how they're objectively good looking, but they just don't strike that chord there.

Shallowest post ever? Nah, check the archives.

Voyage to India!

2009-11-22T06:38:00.006-05:00

Just got back from India! This picture is from the second out of four (yes, four) nights, called a Sangeet. This is the only night we dressed in traditional Indian attire (called a "Kurta"), the rest of the nights most guys outside of the wedding party wore western suits. To say the wedding was extravagant would be an extreme understatement. In India, parents save up for their kids' wedding like parents might save up for college here. Really, no expense is spared. It was an AMAZING, one-of-a-kind experience. I feel really special to have been a part of it.

In addition to the Kurta, they also had people doing Mehndi. Normally this is only for females, but I'm a little more comfortable bucking traditional gender roles these days, so I got a peacock on my palm. The peacock is the national bird of India, and in addition to that, it opens the door for a lot of "cock on my palm" jokes. Yeah.

So... other than that, travel around India was crazy. I saw the Taj Mahal, which was amazing, of course. In India you are surrounded by people in desperate poverty on a scale you can't even find in the US, which really takes you out of your comfort zone. It's very hard to take problems like your job and your parents that seriously after seeing stuff like that.

The funny thing about India is that you will see men on the street holding hands, and in clubs, men will dance with each other. None of these are signals of homosexuality though; in fact, homosexuality was only decriminalized in India earlier this year, and it is still a very touchy subject. I didn't really get to go around much so I can't really say what the gay scene in India is like, but from what I have heard it is still mostly underground.

Anyway, I'm exhausted! Still have one more wedding to go to this week too!

Vacation!

2009-11-13T11:01:00.001-05:00

I'm so excited! I leave for India TONIGHT! I'm going to see a friend's wedding!

Anyway, take care everyone! Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with all the blogs while I'm away, but it's tough. You guys are all doing a lot!

Happy Halloween!

2009-11-02T00:28:00.003-05:00

This is the before picture. After 3 different parties in Chelsea, the West Village, and the East Village, all while it was kind of sprinkling, we managed to lose a few balloons here and there; I finally ended up giving the whole bunch to a girl who asked for them at the Pyramid club.

Super fun weekend, though. Hope you guys had a great time too! Looking forward to seeing everyone's costumes! Post a link to em in the comments if you got one!

Told the aunts

2009-10-28T08:35:00.002-04:00

They were super cool about it actually. My Mom was even in the room, but she didn't say anything. Eh.

Umm, this is more of a tweet-length post than a blog post, but I've been busy.

Aunts still in town

2009-10-25T07:45:00.004-04:00

but I haven't told them yet. What happened to me? I used to be a pro at coming out, six months ago; I guess I got rusty.

We've had a great weekend, and I was all planning to do it by now, but I just never got the nerve up. It really is going to change a lot of things.

They're out of town for the evening. I guess I'll do it tomorrow.

In other news; I'm hating work in a way I haven't ever felt before. I really just want to get through this year and then quit. It's gotten to the point that I am stressed out about work constantly, even on weekends. Just thinking about my work is making me tense. It's really never been this bad.

Haven't seen Chris in a week, cause the aunts have been in town. I'm gonna see him tonight. It's gonna be great, although I hope I don't spend the whole time just whining about my job and stuff

Updates on gayness

2009-10-23T09:26:00.002-04:00

So having my Mom and her sisters staying at my place hasn't been that bad actually. They're so busy doing touristy things that they're not really nagging me about stuff, and it is nice to have them around.

So I know I'm officially the last gay man on the planet to have seen this, but I really love the Miley Cyrus Fire Island video. It is like an advertisement for gay.

Homeopathic Remedies

2009-10-22T01:28:00.004-04:00

Hm, haven't posted in a while so I thought I'd share a little slice of life, as it were.

For some background, you have to know that I used to smoke a lot of pot. Not really that big a deal. I wasn't like a super drug addict, but back when I had a roommate right after college we would spark up and play mario kart and starcraft and it was fun. I hadn't really smoked at all in a few years. My bf smokes quite a bit, and I kind of haven't liked it for the past few years, so I didn't really partake much, and I have to say I tried not to express my dissatisfaction, but I was kind of a hypocrite in my mind, kinda thinking he was a little old to be smoking pot still.

So last Saturday we went bowling for his friend's birthday, and this is so pathetic, but I somehow pulled my back or something. I know. Yoga twice a week and regular gym visits, and I hurt myself bowling. I really am getting old. So I put on a strong face in front of Chris's friends and I even bowled after it hurt which was even stupider, so when we got back to Chris's place I was in super pain. I tried to sleep it off, but in the morning it still hurt like a bitch. Luckily, my boyfriend was there with his home medicine, blow jobs and pot.

The blow job was really good, but the pot was (and it feels incredibly trite to say this about recreational drugs) amazing. I felt fucking fantastic. It was like all the muscles that had tensed up around my back just suddenly let go of all of the tension right around there. I'm a total lightweight, so it only took like 2 hits, but I suddenly went from not being able to move to floating around his apartment. So, yeah, I guess I'm reversing my recently judge-y opinion. Yay for Weed!

Last post for me for a while. Like I said, my Mom and Aunts are in town and that's it's whole own mess. I never really got to talk to my Mom about if she was cool with me coming out to them so I dunno how this is gonna go down :/ Wish I had some more of that back medication right about now.

Visitors

2009-10-10T15:06:00.004-04:00

So I've been going crazy the past week cleaning and organizing my apartment. It's actually really empowering; I can actually see the floor of my closet now, and I've donated about 4 giant bags of clothes to the Salvation Army. I'm also going to the Container Store like a junkie, getting different kinds of boxes for my shelves, so things aren't just piled there. It looks pretty great, and I'm not even done yet.

The main reason for this is I have a ton of family visitors staying with me starting next week. I live in a studio apartment in Manhattan, so it's not huge to begin with, so any space I can create by throwing out old crap will be greatly noticed when I have 2 or 3 extra people sleeping here. The first wave is my Mom and 2 of my aunts though. I haven't come out to my aunts yet, although I really want to. I kind of indicated to my Mom that if the topic comes up I'm just going to tell them, but she got really quiet and changed the subject. Dunno if I have to bring that up again, but I don't want to just end up springing it on her in front of them. Ugh. Why is it that I feel like the jerk here?

After that, I have some cousins staying with me, and they're cool so it should be a lot of fun. After that I go on a world trip vacation for 2 weeks to see 2 different sets of friends getting married! Should be tons of fun.

In other news, Chris and I bought a beer making kit at a flea market and on Thursday we got together at his giant Brooklyn apartment to start the brew. It was SUPER fun, although it took way longer than I expected, and I didn't get home til 2AM and we didn't even get to have sex! Still, it was an awesome fun date, and I hope our beer turns out drinkable! I could totally see this being a fun thing we do every other month or so.

Recent News

2009-10-07T08:49:00.003-04:00

Met up with one of my oldest friends from back home who just moved to NYC and came out to him. He was really supportive- wants to meet the boyfriend and everything, it was nice. It was cool to catch up with him, he's in a totally different line of work than me. He studied premed undergrad, but then went to music conservatories, and now he's in NYC trying to make his name as a jazz musician. It's crazy and ambitious and it sounds awesome. I went to see one of his shows last night too and it was great. I'm not really a jazz guy, but it definitely made my happy, which is all that matters, right?

Everything with the bf is going pretty good. Saturday night after a friend's party I couldn't sleep so he stayed up with me for a long time and we just talked about everything. We talked about his life before New York, previous dating life stuff we'd never discussed, and just general history stuff. It was nothing special, but I still like getting to know more and more about him. Again I feel like such a cheeseball, but even right now when I think about him I have to smile. He makes me happy ;).

And we watched porn together on Sunday. It wasn't that weird!

More Parental stuff...

2009-09-28T00:19:00.003-04:00

This is kind of a continuation of the last post. I think the reason why the whole coming out stuff has come back into the fore is that I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with my parents recently, and how it has changed.

Last week I got a call from one of my close friends who lives in SF who was in tears. Her mother was diagnosed with an incurable, terminal illness, and has only months left to live. In addition to being heartbroken for her, it also just reminded me the recent loss of my grandmother. We talked for a long time, and I tried to keep a brave face on the phone, but as soon as she was off the phone, I broke down from all the emotion.

I feel like it would be a disservice to my grandmother and my friend if I didn't take this as a call to action of my own. I love my parents, and I am lucky to have them in such great health. I really wish I could just call them up and talk, but it has been so stilted recently. I haven't told them about my boyfriend, because the last time I mentioned seeing someone to my mom, she was so cold that I just didn't want to deal with her anymore.

I am so happy right now with where my life is, compared to a year ago, and I wish that I could share that happiness with my parents in a way that they could appreciate. It would be easy for me to say "this is their problem, not mine" and feel superior, but I think I am going to have to swallow my pride and work with them through this, even if the conversations are going to be terrible and make me feel horrible.

Incomprehensible

2009-09-25T18:37:00.004-04:00

Earlier this week there was an episode of Glee in which a kid comes out in High School and is accepted by his peers for his confidence and individuality. Today the NYtimes magazine had a piece about coming out in middle school which is completely incomprehensible to me. I'm amazed at these kids today, but at the same time I have to be a little bewildered by it. I know everyone's different, but honestly at the age of 12? I don't think I even knew what gay was. I probably wasn't really aware of my own sexuality (especially to have the confidence to rule out bisexuality or just being a phase), until I was at least 15.

I actually don't think I had my first crush on a boy until 16 actually. Up until that point it was just pretty pictures on the internet.

Regardless, it's nice to know that the younger generation is more accepting. I can't help but read these stories and wonder why I couldn't have had the balls to come out when I was in high school, or at least college, and if my life would have been less miserable. While I'm sure that is true, it also comes with the realization that I would be a very different person today, I would definitely have different friends, and everything about me would have been affected. And I like who I am and where I am, so I guess all things considered, it all worked out for the best.

It's 1AM

2009-09-25T01:03:00.002-04:00

and I love him.

I mostly only get to see him on weekends. We'll usually spend one night in the week together, but other nights we talk on the phone. We said good night about half an hour ago. I was just lying here in bed trying to go to sleep and all I want to do is call him back and tell him I love him again. It's too late and he's probably already asleep.

So I'm telling you.

Business as usual

2009-09-20T15:15:00.003-04:00

After we had exchanged 6 words total, I was worried that things would change. I'm happy to say that things haven't! Everything's been pretty awesome. We spent all weekend going to friends' birthday parties, and the awesome thing is that I really like his friends and my friends really like him, and it's all a lot of fun. It makes for a crowded social calendar, but I can't complain.

Well, I can't say nothing has changed. I find myself grinning stupidly at times. I went shopping after yoga today and I almost bought these ridiculous heart-shaped ramekins:

I had a momentary vision of baking eggs for him on a Sunday morning. Then I snapped out of it and turned and ran. Barf, right?

I wish I had more pictures to share with you guys other than the vomit inducing ramekins. One of the bday parties we went to was for one of his gay friends and it was at a Gogo Bar in the East Village. It was super fun. At one point, I got Chris to slip a dollar into a gogo boy's underwear, which he did but he made a face. Hehe. There was also this IMPOSSIBLY endowed gogo boy that we spent all night just trying to figure out the physics of it. He let one our female friends actually reach under his towel and touch it at one point, and she assured us it was all-too-real. I am going to have nightmares about that one. Seriously, I wish I had pictures. It was like, beyond porn.

Speaking of which, the porn thing came up again, although very casually. I was at his place, and his porn on his computer is just right there, next to his downloaded episodes of "Mad Men". So first of all, I was relieved that it was pretty much the same stuff I looked at. Nothing crazy; not exclusively Asian porn (which would have been a red flag). Second, I was struck by how open he was about it. Being closeted for so long, my computer porn is locked down like Fort Knox. They will find the lost city of Atlantis before they find my porn. I guess it struck me that I probably don't have to be as crazy cautious as I have been with it... But I probably still will be hehe.

Anyway, things are going pretty great! The weather has been amazing, so I'm going to go meet the boyfriend for an outdoor bbq in about an hour.

Words

2009-09-18T10:56:00.003-04:00

I drunk dialed him last night and he said it. At least I think he did. It was almost offhand.

I didn't say it back cause I was drunk.

I'm seeing him tonight.

Not sure if I'm gonna say it.

Sorry if this post is weird. I'm a little stunned and a lot hungover.

Oversharing topic: Ass

2009-09-16T00:15:00.005-04:00

So um. It's time for me to admit that I'm a total hypocrite, in the oversharing manner that I normally do. Ok, let me start from the top.

[REDACTED for future modesty :/]

Bromance; Race

2009-09-15T00:18:00.002-04:00

One of my big problems with blogging is that if I take a break for a while, all these things I want to talk about start piling up, and then when I finally sit down at the keyboard I want to give each topic that's been germinating it's fair share of time, but then the post becomes a monster. Well, here goes, I'll try to keep it succinct.

The Bachelor Party
This weekend was my friend E's bachelor party! I've known this guy for like 5 years now and he and his fiance are two of my closest friends in NYC now. They were the first NYC residents I came out to (Identified in this post as Friend Couple #1). Y'know though, after my parents, I think that one of the relationships that I feared would change most was the relationships I had with my straight guy friends. I always knew that they would be "cool with it" but I guess I always worried they would treat me different going forward. After this weekend I feel ashamed for not giving them enough credit. This weekend I was totally just one of the guys, and even though they all knew I was gay (even some of these guys that I never met before), it wasn't awkward, and it was fun. There was some ribbing about me sneaking off to gay bars, and they made me get a lap dance from a girl (which was actually fun, and she was a really good sport about it). Mostly it was just drinking and bonding, and mostly making the groom's life hell, cause that's what bachelor parties are all about right?

They even let me throw some beads at this guy underneath our balcony for showing me his ass, heh. Ah, New Orleans.

I did break away from the hetero-fest a few other times too, especially while they were getting series' of lapdances, to check out the gay go-go bars too heh. I figure if they get to see female strippers, I can see cute brazilian boys in their underwear. It was pretty much the same thing as up here, but I do think I attracted a lot of attention, both from the go-go boys, and the other patrons, just cause I was Asian. It was nothing untoward or creepy actually, but that and an offhand comment in one of letopho's recent posts got me thinking alot about my next topic which is:

Race
So I have been pretty sheltered, race-wise having grown up in California and living now in NYC, both of which have thriving Asian populations. I was a little stunned in New Orleans not seeing any Asians (except our group, which was predominantly so. For the most part it was fine, but there was some outright racism that I'd really never seen before, but my friend told me is really not uncommon in the south. At one point, a group of us (maybe 10 asian guys) were walking down the street, and this hot dog vendor stopped and bowed mockingly at each of us. It was offensive on this level I'd never even seen before; I would have told him off, but he wasn't even worth my time.

OK, I meant to write more about that, especially in the context of dating, but I'm tired now. More later.

Next Long Weekend

2009-09-10T08:51:00.003-04:00

So this weekend isn't officially a long weekend, but I'm actually taking Friday off. A really good buddy of mine is having his bachelor party in New Orleans this week! He's straight, actually, and every other guy in the bachelor party is straight, but it should still be a fun time. While the focus is drinking, I'm sure there are a few titty bars on the agenda too. I actually took the liberty of writing down the names of a few gay bars in the area (I figure if these straight guys with girlfriends and fiances can see tits, I shouldn't feel guilty about seeing some of New Orleans' go-go boys, right?)- I've never been there, and I've heard they have some of the oldest legal gay bars in the country.

As it turns out, last week was some huge gay party there, which is just as well that I missed, lol. Anyway, this weekend should be fun, regardless!

Sleeping in fail!

2009-09-07T09:58:00.004-04:00

OK. I'm having an amazing weekend, but it was slightly marred by the fact that I forgot to turn off my work alarm that goes off M-F so I woke up at 8 today. Chris was able to get back to sleep and I felt bad keeping him up by fidgeting in bed, so I decided to go to the bakery and get some stuff for breakfast. Only I got here and they open 2 hours later for labor day I guess...

So to recap the weekend... Chris slept over Friday and we didn't do much- we just played some video games. On Saturday we met up with some friends for brunch which somehow got turned into a whole day of drinking on my steps and then margaritas and then dinner. I also went to the Barney's sale and bought a really cute blue striped Hugo Boss suit for $450! I have like 3 more weddings to attend this year so I figured a new suit was in order.

Sunday was the beach day! I had never gone to Sandy Hook but it was definitely the nicest beach near NYC that I've been too. The ferry to get there is only 45 mins, but it is a little pricey at 40 bucks round trip per person. We brought our own beer, wine, and sandwiches, and we met up with my super good friends who were celebrating their 1 year anniversary that day! Chris and I had been joking all weekend about whether or not we'd actually take off our clothes, but honestly I never thought in a million years I'd do it. So when we got there, and I realized it wasn't all creepy old men (and there were actually some HOT guys), I just decided to go for it, and Chris and our friends eventually followed suit... or... lack therof. It was really funny at first, both the weird sensation of being totally naked on a windy beach, as well as the panorama of naked bodies of all shapes and sizes, but the novelty wore off and it just became comfortable. Toward the end of the day, we realized that the people wearing the suits actually stood out more than the nudes. SO MUCH FUN. We're definitely going back the first weekend of next summer! Here's the only photo of me I feel comfortable posting, heh. Feel free to be distracted by my beautiful friends in the background.

We got back and between all the alcohol and the exertion of swimming in the ocean and all the sun, we just passed the fuck out. I managed to rally to meet some friends for drinks that were visiting from out of town, but only for like a beer, and then we headed back home.

OK I'm dumb, I just realized that this bakery is closed for labor day. Bah. Uhh, here's another oversharing picture. Yup! That's Chris!

Last thoughts before the long weekend!

2009-09-04T18:33:00.001-04:00

Long Weekend! So excited!

So I think we're going to go to this gay beach in NJ (Sandy Hook) on Sunday, and a bunch of our gay friends are coming too. I haven't actually decided if I'm going to go nude when we're at the optionally nude section, but just in case I trimmed my pubes :P. I had been getting a little lazy with that anyway. Only problem is I think I gave myself a hitler moustache... May need a touchup...

Other thing... I think I'm gonna give Chris my key. No big deal right? It seems like a big deal when I think about it sometimes. Oh well. Onward!

Do you share your porn?

2009-09-04T08:40:00.003-04:00

Do you share your porn collection with your significant other/boyfriend? Do you share your porn collection with anyone?

I kind of think it would be hot to watch porn with my bf, but then again... LIST OF ANXIETIES! GO:

having just come out this year, it's also something that I kept such an intensely guarded secret, I think it would make me anxious having someone else looking at my collection.
I also wonder if my porn collection reveals any subconscious biases... For example I don't have a lot of Asian representation, but part of that is kind of that there's not a lot of Asians in porn to begin with.
I would also worry that he would infer things about my preferences based on the movies and the guys in them. I think the worst thing would be if he felt like I was more turned on by the guys in the porn than him.
The truth is, I haven't been watching that much porn since I came out really; I haven't really needed it like I used to... but I still download some of the vids from my old favorite sites, almost like keeping up with and old friend, lol. I'd also hate for my bf to think that I've needed them to jerk off with these past 3 months, cause I've probably only jerked off like... twice in the past 3 months. (On a digression, I have no guilt about jerking off in a relationship or anything lol, I just haven't really needed it or felt like it). Augh TMI again?

At some level I think it would be funny/hot, but like everything... I freak out thinking about this kind of stuff. And I can't pass up the opportunity to make another list.

Oversharing Friday

2009-09-04T00:59:00.004-04:00

I knew I couldn't stop oversharing for long. This one I'm pretty proud of.

Actually that just totally reminded me of another thing I was going to share. This morning at the Starbucks near my house, I was ordering my coffee, and I realized with a little bit of a shock that the cute Asian barista guy was totally flirting with me. I go there pretty often, and I had kinda gotten a flirty vibe with me in the past, but this time he was totally overt about it-- like he had remembered my drink order from last time, and teased me about ordering a banana... Well, anyway, I mean, he's a cute barista in Chelsea, and I'm sure he gets hit on a billion times a day, and he probably just flirts with everyone, but I had forgotten how flattering it is. I guess that's one of the things that I miss from being single, the ego stroking you get from a total stranger showing interest in you. I am getting plenty of ego stroking from Chris though, so it all evens out. Anyway, the point of this story I guess is that this cute barista was flirting with me. Not gonna do anything, but it is still nice. Heh.

Upcoming weekend plans

2009-09-02T08:53:00.003-04:00

On a lighter note now, things with the bf are going really great.

We've gotten into a routine now where we meet at my apartment mid-week once or twice and cook dinner, watch TV, and have sex. I talk to him pretty often every day, either on IM or on the phone. Then on weekends, he'll come over here or I'll go over there and we'll hang out all weekend.

With the long weekend coming up, we toyed with the idea of doing a short vacation; I actually called a few B&B's in Fire Island, but they were all booked on such short notice. I think we'll maybe try to do that in September. Instead, we're going to staycation in Manhattan or Brooklyn, and do a beach day trip to either Sandy Hook in NJ, or Cherry Grove on Fire Island for all of Sunday. I think I'm kinda proud of myself for not getting freaked out about a vacation together like I have about everything else.

In memory

2009-08-31T08:38:00.003-04:00

Lot has happened the past few weeks so I haven't gotten to post much.

In short, my grandmother passed away about two weeks ago, and I had to go back to SF last weekend for the funeral. I don't really wanna talk about that much, so I'm not gonna, but I will just say, she was 89 and her death was not unexpected; she lived an amazing wonderful life, and I'm grateful and humbled by everything she accomplished in her life so I could have a better one.

Much love, everyone.

Posting for Post's Sake

2009-08-09T23:43:00.003-04:00

1) This post is mostly so the embarassing sex positions post won't be up top..

2) Things with Chris are going really good. He had a party at his new place yesterday and I invited some of my friends too, although the embarassing part is I started getting Asian flush, which I normally never get, but when I do get it is all over my body and really kinda gross. Still his friends and my friends got along which is always fun.

3) We're throwing around the idea of a trip of some kind... I think it would be fun to just go back to Fire Island with him, or maybe we might just do something more casual like a day trip to a beach... I kind of hate overplanning stuff, but it's kind of inevitable at this stage huh.

4) So since I totally overshare on this blog and I kind of cling to the thin veil of security through obscurity, I was totally jostled today when I was browsing pictures on Letopho's blog and found that we have a mutual friend. It's a small world after all... Despite the fact that I have my picture and use real names on my blog, I feel like I can be super frank about a lot of stuff (sex, relationships, neuroses) that I wouldn't tell anyone I know in real life just cause it's all strangers on the internet. Still, I guess since the bubble of bloggers I read are mainly of similar background to me both ethnically and geographically, it's not that surprising after all. I'm still a little spooked though. I may start taking down some pictures ^^.

Oversharing about Positions

2009-08-07T09:00:00.002-04:00

Ok, so a few posts back I made an offhand comment about trying to find a gay kama sutra... now I'm not trying to burn up the world here but it's just... I can't seem to do the "cowgirl", er "cowboy" position and it's frustrating me. The first time I tried it, it was just incredibly painful, and the second time I just couldn't seem to get the position right.

Like... where am I supposed to put my legs/feet? I don't think I'm doing it right.

The other positions are working fine, this is just one that is eluding me...

OK, I feel awkward now.

Steve MacIssac

2009-08-03T10:42:00.005-04:00

Not the normal fare of this blog but a friend tipped me off to the artwork of Steve MacIssac and I thought I'd share it.

I love the strong line work, but I also like how he draws all different sorts of guys and body types, and combines strong visual storytelling techniques with minimalist dialogue, and sometimes just strong graphic layout to get a message across.

Wedding Crap

2009-07-28T23:23:00.008-04:00

So as you may know from the premise of the blog, I'm almost 30- and 30 is the age where your friends who are legally allowed to do so start pairing off in legally binding ways.

Here are all the things on my mind due to the weddings in a list because I like lists:

One of my good friends from college is getting married this Saturday actually- I'm excited! My old college roommate is coming into town with his girlfriend who I haven't met yet. I already came out to him but this will be the first time we've hung out, and of course he'll get to meet Chris. I'm not bringing Chris, mostly because I RSVP'd +0 way back before I even met him, and I know how much my friend has been stressing over flowers and seating arrangements and chairs, and it's also way too early. Still, we'll hang out the night before with the other guests in town, and maybe after the wedding too.
Two of my other super good friends are getting married in November, and due to my newfound status, I got invited to both the bachelor and bachelorette parties! While I probably would have appreciated the strippers at the bachelorette party more, I think I'm still suffering from masculinity perception issues so I am only going to be attending the bachelor party. It will be a little weird, as it will be me and 19 straight guys down in New Orleans, tossing out beads on Bourbon Street and going to strip clubs. If I get a chance, I may check out a gay bar down there by myself (it has the oldest gay bar in the US or something) just to see what it's all about, but of course, I'm going there to hang out with my friend, and really it's more of a drinking thing, and I'm all about that anyway.
So the corresponding wedding for those two is in November, back in SF. Now... these are two of my super good friends here and they have met Chris like 5 times now, and totally love him. Again, I already RSVP'd for this wedding +0 before I even met Chris, but I have a feeling my friend may ask me if I'm bringing him, and I don't know what to say there... This brings up a whole new set of anxieties which mandates a SUB-LIST !
1. The wedding is still 4 months out, and Chris and I have only been dating for 3. Isn't there some rule about how you shouldn't make plans farther out than you've been actually going out? If not, there should be.
2. Again, this couple has been stressed out about guests and I know they've even had to cut some close friends. I can't imagine them allowing me to bring someone I just started dating in favor of a friend they've known for years.
3. Bringing a date to a wedding is kind of a serious step, and you can piece together from past blog post how good I am with serious steps...
4. Beyond the drama of the serious step, it's actually during THANKSGIVING WEEKEND, and it's in SAN FRANCISCO, where my brother lives, and where my parents are going to be coming for THANKSGIVING DINNER with the FAMILY. WAY TOO SOON, RIGHT?

Bah, I always make myself stress out about these things too much. Bed now.

Oversharing Again

2009-07-26T23:53:00.001-04:00

So... just curious.

At a certain point in a long term exclusive relationship, do you stop using condoms?

First Relationship Insanity...

2009-07-24T18:52:00.004-04:00

So in a lot of ways my relationship with Chris is my first one ever. Everything's going really good, but there are still some things that I'm a total noob about and I am just dealing with as they come up. So, post warning: this is where I use my blog as a platform to blurt out all the weird neurotic things that have been bouncing around in my head the past month or so.

First of all, I had a billion friends over these past two weeks now that the weather in NYC is getting good. My tiny studio apartment basically became a hostel for anyone I went to elementary school with. The last weekend I had 3 other dudes sleeping in my apartment, and not in the way that would normally get me complimentary blog comments. Still, I managed to hang out with Chris here and there, but not as much and not as 1-on-1 as the previous two weekends, and it was pretty good. My friends all love him, which is nice.

But here are all the things that are lurking in my mind, basically because I'm a 29 year old in the first real, honest relationship I've ever been in, and that is supposed to happen when you're 17.

I'm trying to find a good balance between hanging out a lot, and monopolizing his time. He works really late, and I sometimes get pouty when he doesn't come over and I feel really needy at times like that and I hope I do a good job of keeping that to myself. He cancelled on Monday drinks with me and a lot of my friends because of work stuff, which I was kinda bummed about because a ton of my friends were there and wanted to meet him... but he had hung out with me and other friends like, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, and the Monday thing was pretty last minute, so I really don't blame him for it. I just don't really know what to do with that vaguely disappointed feeling I got there.
To make up for it, on Wednesday, which was the last night one of my guests was in town, he picked up the check at our "going away" dinner for her, which was us two, my guest, and our mutual friend. This was at The Standard Grill in the meatpacking district, which isn't like SUPER expensive, but it definitely isn't cheap. I was kind of stunned awkward at the gesture, and I think I made some sort of awkward joke to my friends about working it off in trade later that night. It was incredibly sweet, but again I'm retarded with that kind of thing. Still, not as awkward as I'm making it sound, and I've definitely picked up the tab sometimes when it was just the two of us but still. It was very sweet and I'm overanalyzing it I know.
So I actually bought these two t-shirts for the The Big Gay Ice Cream Truck which is awesome, and if you wear the shirts you get a discount or something, and I couldn't decide whether to get the truck or the cone (as my friend put it, one implies "lick me", one implies "ride me"), and they're both cute so I just bought both on a whim and figured I'd give one to Chris (we're the same size). Then after I got them it struck me that I had not only just bought him a gift, but that they were MATCHING shirts, and so because I'm a freak they have been sitting on my shelf in the fedex envelope I got them in. Last time Chris was here he even asked curiously what was in the envelope and I think I said it was a gift for my nephew. I'm weird, I know...
Unrelated to him, I think it's the first article of clothing I've bought that declares my homosexuality. I mean, I own pink t-shirts, tight jeans, and a white belt, so it's not like I'm trying to dress straight, but it just struck me that this is the most out item I own. Shirt's pretty awesome though, right?
The PDA thing- I think the first time we met up with Chris's friends on the street one time and they kissed hello and I kind of balked at kissing Chris in public I felt a little weird. I know it is paranoid, especially in Chelsea, but you never know who's looking and judging and I know that sounds retarded. I've definitely gotten more comfortable with it- after Pride especially. Last weekend when we were out with all my friends at a straight bar (The Bowery Electric, though, so not a totally straight bar I guess) I kissed him on the dance floor... and then I did the "Womanizer" dance on him... there were a lot of tequila shots involved. I do worry I'm a little too makeout-y now heh (not cause of the gay thing, but just cause of the general couple thing... I always feel my straight couple friends are very cool about not making out in front of others in a big crowd and I should do the same?).

Well... I guess that was a big ball of crazy. I mean, if that's all I have to complain about here on my blog I guess things are going pretty good. I'm helping Chris move apartments tomorrow (his old landlord was a dick trying to raise his rent in this economy), and I'm meeting him for pizza tonight and helping him pack. Still training for the half-marathon-- although missing 2 long runs cause of tourist visitors these past two weeks and probably missing one this weekend cause of Chris moving has made me consider dropping it.

Have a good weekend everyone!

From 'dating' to dating

2009-07-23T08:44:00.003-04:00

I figure now that I'm dating someone, it's as good a time as any to delete all those online dating profiles I hate anyway, and I figured now was as good a time as any for a gloves-off review of each site. This is basically going to try to be the comprehensive review I was looking for when I started online dating and I couldn't really find anywhere. [Update hehe as I was writing this I see gawker has done a cursory overview of the same sites... http://gawker.com/5320419/after-craigslist-and-manhunt-here-is-where-gays-will-get-their-clicks]

Overview

So in past posts I might have sounded a little down on online dating, but in all honesty I think it's great. A lot of my friends who don't drink and hate the "circuit" scene in general find it to be a really reasonable alternative, and it is embraced by the gay community in a way that is really unparalleled in the straight dating world. If I were in a more philosophical mood I might wax on about how the very stigmatized nature of our sexuality makes us de-stigmatize other practices that other people might find distasteful...

When I started I was a little shocked at how ruthlessly efficient the whole process could be, and that was probably the part I was a little less forthcoming with my straight friends when I described the process.

Sites

Manhunt
So Manhunt is the 800 pound gorilla in the gay online dating scene. Wait, that metaphor sucks- because everyone talks about it. While some people complain alot about Manhunt, due to its limited free functions, creepy ownership details, and the perceived destructions of gay social interactions, but I'm a pretty tech-happy guy, and I kind of see Manhunt as a very efficient system that people like to use, even in its free form, and it's really kind of easy to use and fun, if you don't take it too seriously.
Pros: NUMBERS- at least in my area, MH has the widest userbase by far
Cons: Seriously crippled free accounts- you can only send a certain number of mails per day and you can't view full resolution pics, which is almost a dealbreaker really.
Statistics: I conversed with over 10 guys on this site, and met up in person with 4.
Adam4Adam
After Manhunt, A4A seems to be the next most recognized and popular system in my area, and the best thing about it is it's free to use. Also, it seemed like the user base was a little more diverse than manhunt.
Pros: Probably the best non-pay services, including full res picture viewing and unlimited messaging.
Cons: Limited to 3 photos per profile, which is probably not a terrible thing really.
Statistics: I conversed with over 10 guys on this site, and met up in person with 3.
Gay Romeo
So I joined GR at the recommendation of my European friends; apparently in Europe it is a very good system. However, my experience with it was pretty bad; maybe it's the relative immaturity of the site in the US but many of the profiles are clearly fake (like they use photos of famous actors and models) and there doesn't seem to be any attempt to clean up these fake profiles. Furthermore, every single time I got contacted on that site I felt like I was getting some kind of phishing scam. I didn't really find anything worthwhile there.
Pros: Ummm, it's good in Europe from what I hear.
Cons: It's unusable in the US.
Statistics: I didn't have any real conversations on this site, or meat up with anyone.
OK Cupid
So OK Cupid is not exclusively gay, but I found that they do have an active gay community. It is more oriented toward dating than hooking up, and some of my friends reported having great success with that site. I found the quizzes and profiles to be a little too limited, and to be honest, I think it was a little too wholesome for what I happened to be looking for at the time as a guy who just came out.
Pros: Very nice interface, good userbase.
Cons: High barriers to actually meeting people.
Statistics: I conversed with about 5 guys, but it never really went anywhere.
Lovetastic
I don't really know what to make of this site- as I only used it for about a week. I saw a lot of ads for it and it seemed like it had a cool interface, but when I got on I found that it has some kind of reputation system, and until you get enough reputation you can only send one mail a day or something. Also, the userbase just seemed really small.
Pros: Very clean, oriented at a wholesome audience.
Cons: Weird point system; small userbase
Statistics: I conversed with one guy on here, but it never went anywhere.
Gay.com
So gay.com is another big player in the online dating market, but compared to manhunt and a4a I found the crippled features of the free account to be the worst. You can't even view the thumbnails of the non main profile pics, and I just didn't understand the search functions.
Pros: Large userbase
Cons: Crippled free account
Statistics: I conversed with about five guys on here, but it never went anywhere.

Other Resources

Realjock
So Realjock is not really a dating site, but it's a gay men's health and fitness forum that has profiles like a dating site. I actually found their workouts and stuff to be really good, but their forum is a little toxic- people are a little too forward with their prejudices and insecurities right off the bat, but it's not too bad if you know what your'e getting into. I would just read the forums with a grain of salt, and then it's actually a pretty good resource for health and fitness issues, particularly ones pertaining to gay men. I'm not actually cancelling my account there since I still use the forums for stuff like half marathon training suggestions and what not.
Grindr
Hehe, as silly as it is, of all the dating sites/apps, I will miss Grindr the most probably. It's pretty new, but grindr is a free application for the iPhone or iPod touch that is basically a super condensed version of adam4adam. You just pick one photo (usually taken arms length with the iPhone camera) and you can write one or two lines about yourself and that's it. Then people can browse profiles near them (using the iPhone's GPS) and you can chat people. It's not really a good system, but it is great fun, especially when your'e bored.
DList
So Dlist is also a bit of an enigma to me. When you join it, it definitely does seem like some of the other dating sites, except most of the profiles have public face pics, and it's definitely more of a social sharing platform than necessarily a dating site. In fact, it's like the gay myspace. I don't actually think many people are using it to hook up like mh and a4a but I dunno, maybe I'm wrong. Like RJ, I am not cancelling this account actually, since I've found it to be useful for non-dating stuff; I'm on a group there for a local DJ that I like, as well as a party promoter with some good events.

Conclusion

Gay men may complain about the shallowness of the online dating community but I have to say it is unparalleled in the straight world for its efficiency and directness. If you know what you're getting into, it can be a lot of fun. And stay safe out there, kids.

Another Long Weekend Update

2009-07-07T23:24:00.002-04:00

So we spent all of the long weekend together- I was a little worried it would be too much, but now it's Tuesday and I kinda miss just having him around. God I feel like such a cheeseball. Basically I had three different friends throwing house parties all weekend, and I ended up bringing Chris to all of them, so he's met all my friends- I was a little nervous I guess, cause it's one thing to come out to your friends, and then another thing to bring around a guy, but they were all cool and my friends all got along great with him, which was awesome.

And uh, in regards to the technical difficulties mentioned earlier in the blog... those have been since remedied, apparently ;)

I've been planning a big post for a while, but it's taking forever to write, but I hope it will be actually useful to some people... maybe Thursday.

Dinner Date

2009-07-02T08:26:00.006-04:00

Well, PF and I spent Saturday through Monday together, other than when I was doing my community service. He's coming over tonight and I'm cooking him dinner! Then we're going to a friend's bbq tomorrow, and I haven't really figured out what we're doing for the rest of the long weekend.

[UPDATE: Weird, I made this post but it never published]

Pride (In the Name of Love)

2009-06-30T00:37:00.003-04:00

Heh, so I couldn't get out of my Community Service; they're pretty strict here with the sick days- you have to actually present a Doctor's note to get it postponed, and honestly, after everything that happened to me I didn't want to make waves.

Still, I was determined to make the most of my pride weekend regardless. Saturday after my service work, I got out around 8, met up with PF and got dinner in the West Village. We actually ended up going to the Stonewall Inn, which he had never been to; it was crazy crowded, but not uncomfortably so, actually- we ended up getting a stool at the bar and making out for a bit ;). It was a fun atmosphere in there, and it was kind of nice to get our weekend started at the place that started it all really.

Pretty much every other place in the Village was crowded beyond belief so we went up to midtown to meet up with some of my friends. We ended up at the Ritz- and I got to introduce PF to my good friend Alex; it was also the first time I got to meet Alex's new boy, so it was pretty fun for everyone. We ended up moving back down to the Village actually, and we ended up at The Hangar, which was playing some hip hop, and we drank a little more and danced a lot and it was super fun. I was pretty exhausted though, so I went home with PF and we just passed out. The next morning, we got up early to go to get brunch and then PF had to leave early to get back to his place around 11. I still had 3 hours to kill, so ended up catching up with some of my other friends who were getting brunch near the parade route and getting set up for the parade. I didn't actually get to see any of the parade unfortunately, but I did hang out in the crowd that was gathering around it and feel the atmosphere before I had to go.

The community service itself wasn't so bad- I actually ended up sweeping Times Square, which was kind of a trip, given that I work there during the day. I was a little nervous someone I worked with would walk by, but it was all cool. In fact, when you're wearing a blue jumpsuit and sweeping the floor in Times Square, no one really looks at you at all, which sounds dehumanizing, but it was welcome to me at the time. And as stupid as the whole thing was, I really feel like it could have been so much worse; sweeping up cigarette butts and flyers is a billion times better than the jail cell, and honestly, when I was blacked out I could have done so much worse- In the long run, one night in jail and 2 nights of community service is a small price to pay for learning my limits and hopefully avoiding any such craziness in the future.

Met up again with PF that night, with his co-workers again, who are always fun, and we just wandered around. They showed me the pictures they got to take at the parade, and while it looked like it was fun, it also looked like it had been really long and actually really commercial, which is a little sad. They did get some goodies handed out at the parade though, like a novelty spanking paddle and stuff, heh. We wandered to a few more bars but they were all really crowded to the point of spilling onto the street, and I was exhausted from the two days of work, so PF and I just went home. PF didn't bring any stuff to spend the night, so we ended up just talking a bit; I basically told him I felt like I had grown a lot in the past week as a result of everything that had happened to me, and that despite all the horrible stuff, and the community service, I had one of the most fun weekends I could remember. I asked PF if he still wanted to be my boyfriend and he said yes!

And this PF stuff is getting annoying. His name is Chris. :)

Parents Just Don't Understand

2009-06-26T00:25:00.003-04:00

Off the topic of arrests, dating, and general relationship confusion...

Since I lost my phone, I called my parents to let them know that my old number wouldn't work for a bit, and not to freak out, and I ended up talking to my Mom. Eventually, discussion about my job, family members' health, and the weather dried up and we were left with nothing left to talk about but me.

Like I said, my parents have recently seemed ok with things finally... My mom mentioned she was coming to NY in the fall with one of her sisters, and it occurred to me that I haven't come out to any of them. I asked her if she was comfortable with me starting to tell some of her sisters and brothers, and she just stayed quiet. Finally she asks "How sure are you about this? Are you sure you're not bisexual?" Sigh. #momfail.

But whatever, I told her I was sure, and blah blah blah and we got back to talking about her trip. Then she asks me if I'm dating anyone. Now... ok... maybe I'm expecting too much, but here is what a normal parent/child conversation about relationships is supposed to go, if I'm not mistaken.

Mom: Are you seeing anyone special?
Child: Yeah, kinda.
Mom: What's his/her name?

And here's how mine went:

Mom: Are you seeing anyone special?
Child: Yeah, kinda.
Mom: So you're not being promiscuous?

So I get that she is concerned about my health and great, but it kind of depressed me that she showed no interest in really finding out about what's going in my life, and clearly doesn't want to hear about any specifics. And I'm not going to go forcing it down her throat or anything. Still, it does bother me because I used to be pretty close to my parents and now that is strained. Obviously my expectations for them might have been to high, but I would like them to be interested in my life, and be happy for me when things are going well... I guess I'm worried it's going to be like this forever.

Oh well. I'm getting that out of my mind. Gay Pride this weekend, and while I'm missing big chunks of it to probably pick up trash on the West Side Highway, I still plan on enjoying the rest of it.

Happy Pride everyone!

Shifting Gears

2009-06-23T23:16:00.003-04:00

Do you ever feel like life is sending you a message? So sometimes when I'm writing this blog I'm happy for the kind of candor I can only have with strangers; I think I tell you guys shit that I wouldn't tell some of my closest friends, or just stuff I can't say out loud cause it's just what's in my head and it's too much to say to someone I know in person without changing everything. This post is going to be crazy but there's just no easy way to summarize what's happened to me this past weekend with any kind of grace, so here goes.

Saturday
I met PokerFace for dinner in Brooklyn on Saturday- we fooled around at his place first, went to this really cool local restaurant, then a bar to get beers, and then back to his place. I had been worried it might be awkward but it wasn't, it was a lot of fun, and it felt really comfortable. I spent the night at his place.

Sunday
We got brunch in the morning and I went home and did my run.

That night I met up with my gay friends downtown, and I kind of had a crush on one of my friend Alex's friends, so when he had to leave for a date, I hung around to chat up his friend a bit. That somehow led to me getting way too drunk. I don't think I did anything that embarrassing at the bar (that I can remember) but here's where the story goes nuts. I mean, I was drunk- like blackout awful drunk. And... when I came to... I was in lockup in a police station.

So my arrest I've pieced together from the officer's account, and apparently I was in some kind of shouting match with a cabbie, and somehow police got involved and I was refusing to pay the fare (it was $3.80!) and I got belligerent or something. Anyway, I guess I got processed and took a mug shot and I don't remember any of it until I was sitting in a lockup and getting fingerprinted. And I was stupid drunk.

They cuffed me again, and moved me to another precinct for overnight holding, and I was in a tiny cell by myself with just a wooden board and a metal toilet. They told me I would get processed in the morning and I should be out of there by 8:30. I fell asleep.

Monday
At 8 they woke us up with sausage biscuits and cokes from mcdonald's. Then they came and called people to go to the court to see a judge, and they called everyone except me. The officer said my paperwork must still be in transit, but that I should be out by noon at the latest. They said I couldn't make my phone call until my paperwork was processed.

I sat in that cell for hours; I read my property claim ticket front and back probably 10 times, and tried not to read the crazy grafitti on the cell walls from previous occupants. OK, I'm getting sick just describing it again, but basically it was hell. I had no concept of when I'd get out and as the time stretched on I was convinced my paperwork had been lost. The officer only came by every few hours, and he never had any details. I've never felt more disgusted in myself than at that moment. I had dark thoughts, which I just never want to face again.

At 3pm, they finally called me out, and put me in another lockup room with about 5 other guys also waiting for their court appearance. We were there for about another and a half. At this point, they served us more food, which I guess we were supposed to have gotten around noon, but they forgot, so they were cold hamburgers- it didn't really matter because I was starving.

Finally I met with my legal aide and he said since it was a first offense and such a petty charge, he would ask to have it reduced to an "ACD", which I forget what it stands for, but basically if I don't get arrested in 6 months, the charge is expunged from my record. I have to serve 2 days of community service, which is, unfortunately on this weekend... gay pride weekend here in NYC.

So the other thing is I lost my phone. Now I don't know if I lost it in the cab, at the bar, or if it was confiscated and lost at the police station, but that's that. It's just a phone, I'm not going to sweat it.

I got home, took a long shower, called my boss (who was more relieved to hear from me than mad, thank god), and then my BFF, who had sent me an email because she thought it was weird for me to not talk to her or respond to her texts.

Then I called PokerFace. I told him what happened and I was practically in tears. I asked him to come over. He came over and was just amazing. He just listened to my story without judgement, and was completely sympathetic and I mean, just awesome. We watched some stupid movies and tv shows, and ordered in some Indian food. I didn't think I'd be in the mood for anything, but after we made out a bit, and my mind was off the whole day, I got pretty horny, and just wanted to think of something normal, so we jerked each other off. We watched some more TV, and went to sleep, but I was having trouble- not only did things keep reminding me of the cell, but I also had bruises on my wrists from the handcuffs, and on my elbows and ribs, I guess from the arrest. I felt like a jerk for keeping him up, but he was totally understanding and eventually I did fall asleep. We woke up in the morning, took a shower, and got breakfast together.

Summary
So that was my weekend, including the worst night of my life that turned into the worst day of my life. And what have I learned? I need to fucking grow up. Enough with the binge drinking and pathetic attempts to win the meaningless approval of strangers.

More importantly... I know now that I don't deserve him, but I want PF to be my boyfriend. I almost blurted this out when he was staying over, and I started to think that when I tell him I want it to be special- and not some trauma-induced needy bullshit that doesn't mean anything.

So... like I said before- do you ever feel like life is sending you a message, and in a way that you just can't ignore anymore? I'm pretty sure the message I got is that I'm a fucking mess.

(no I can't read his) Poker Face

2009-06-19T17:56:00.000-04:00

Ok so back to the actual story. PF comes over and I pretty much give the speech verbatim like I typed it out. [Alex C: I thought about doing it after dinner, but it was weighing on my mind so heavily I just wanted to get it off my chest]

He nodded a lot and said he understood that I was new to all this and wanted to try out more stuff before settling down, and he was comfortable moving slower. His actual paraphrase was "got it, you don't belong to anyone", which sounded a little more to the point, but... whatever works, I guess.

After the talk we went to a cool tapas joint in Chelsea, but there was a crazy wait so while we were waiting we walked up to the new High Line park here, which is awesome. Among other things, it's a really popular make out spot for gay couples, so... PF and I did that a bit. Then we went back to the restaurant and our table was ready- we got really good tapas and split a cheap bottle of Jumilla wine. It was really a great meal and conversation was great and everything. We got back to my place and had a really intense oral session that was really hot and took a shower together, and then went to sleep. Around 2am, though, I woke up a bit and noticed PF was still awake, and he said he was just having a bit of trouble sleeping, and around 5am I woke up again to him getting dressed. He said he just wasn't feeling well and thought he should head home, so I said ok and saw him out. The next morning I texted him to see if he was feeling better and he said he actually took the day off work, and it didn't have anything to do with the conversation or anything. I was as up front and honest as I could be with him, so even though I thought him leaving early on Wednesday was a little weird, I'll take what he says at face value; other than that everything on our date was great.

We have plans to get dinner tomorrow, and hopefully he'll have processed it all more and maybe we'll talk about it more, but despite the little apprehensions, I am still looking forward to the date!

An ominous portent?

2009-06-19T08:24:00.001-04:00

Alternative Title: "Oops, I did it again".

[So all this stuff happened on Wednesday, but between having the talk, training for the half-marathon, and dinging 80 in World of Warcraft, I have no time to post!]

So a little background- during my posting hiatus at the end of february, the first guy I hooked up with was this guy I met at a bar and we hit it off, and whatever. He was a little younger than me (24), which given my 0 sexual experience seemed like a good match. On the 3rd date (we had fooled around but not had sex), he asked me "where is this going?" And knowing that I wasn't ready for a relationship, I told him I was just looking to fool around and not looking for a relationship, and he was, so things ended there. For the sake of anonymity we'll call him D.

So, I was prepping for my date and talk with PokerFace on Wednesday, and literally 10 minutes before PokerFace arrives, D calls me and is just chatting about his life and his work and whatever, and I'm totally confused. We've barely spoken at all since February, and he left cause he wants a relationship, and all of a sudden he's just calling me to hang out? Especially given that I was expecting PF over and was still going over the talk in my mind, I kind of just let him know that nothing had really changed since last time, but if he wanted to hang out as friends that would be cool. But... it was just weird timing right? This is pretty much the only other guy I've ever gone on more than 2 dates with, and the first guy I had to have a talk with of any kind. I couldn't tell if this was a good sign (hey I was mature in that conversation too and no one got hurt!) or a bad sign (apparently the last time I had this talk, it didn't stick).

Crap, now I'm late for work. I'll get to the post-talk with PokerFace in another post later today.

The Talk

2009-06-17T18:10:00.000-04:00

Well Poker Face is coming over in about 2 hours and I am waiting for my iPhone software to download and I'm going to go for a quick run before he gets here, but I thought I'd lay out my points from before into a planned script for tonight. It's not that I want to give a canned speech, but I know I'm going to get nervous when he gets here and there are some key points that I don't want to miss so here goes. Also some of these

"Hey- before we go to dinner, there's something I wanted to talk about. I have something on my mind and I kind of need to get it off my chest, so just hear me out here.

So, I don't know if you realized this, but during dinner on Sunday with your co-workers you were telling this story and you called me your boyfriend. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not like totally against that, it just kind of startled me because we've never really talked about that, so it was kind of a shock. To be honest, it wasn't just that, it was also all the talks about rafting trips and what our plans were for pride and 4th of July and stuff. I just felt like suddenly everything is moving faster than I thought and I don't know if I'm ready for it. So the thing is, I really like you, but I just came out 4 months ago really, and I'm turning 30 at the end of this year. This probably sounds selfish, but the thing is, this is my only chance to be a young, single gay man, and I had my own plans for this summer that I was looking forward to.

I really like you, and I thought this was going really good, just keeping it casual and going slow, but I know that probably wasn't really fair to you- and instead of having a mature conversation with you about our relationship, I just kind of let it go on without talking about it. I thought about it after Sunday and having a boyfriend does sound really great and it's something I want eventually, but I just know that right now I don't have the maturity for that, and I can't rush that. I am still at the phase where I want to be able to go out with my friends to a club, and flirt with the bartender or a cute guy if I want, and not feel guilty about that. I know that makes me sound like I want it all, but that's really all I'm capable of right now.

I totally get it if this is not what you want or if you think I led you on. I mean, you came out 8 years ago, and probably went through all this a long time ago and you're in a really different space than me. If you're not totally disgusted by me, I still want to date you- and after the summer or so, maybe we could reevaluate things and see where we are.

So, that's it, I just had to let you know where I am, emotionally and stuff.

[Q&A period goes here]

[If he still wants to have dinner with me, then that goes here]

[If that goes, well, more sex]."

And that's where my my mind goes of course. I wonder if he's seen that doctor yet...

Can't sleep

2009-06-16T01:04:00.000-04:00

It's 1am and I have just been lying here trying to go to sleep... and it's been on my mind all day at work. I have to talk to PokerFace. This thing is just moving too fast and it's pretty clear to me now that we are both moving at very different speeds.

Independence
I'd have to say my biggest fear of being in a relationship now is that I kind of just want to be single now. I just came out two months before I met PF and suddenly he is calling me my boyfriend and I feel like I didn't even get to experience single life. At the very least, I wanted to experience the whole summer and I had planned to go to all these parties with my friends and maybe flirt with guys and all of these plans were for me as a single man. Even though I do like PF, I just feel like I really need to be single at this phase in my life, and I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship. Even beyond that, if I don't experience this summer the way I had wanted to, or even give myself the opportunity to, I will probably end up resenting PF for that, as irrational as that sounds.

Buyer's Remorse
Also, while I do enjoy my time with PF, there are definitely things about him that bother me. Of course there's the sex stuff I won't shut up about... but there are other things too. Some are easily fixable (I'm not crazy about his fashion sense, sometimes his hair and his facial hair are a little weird), some are not really a big deal (he gets a little sweaty when we're making out which is sometimes a turnoff, and I wish he worked out more). Then there are the ones that may be a dealbreaker in the long term. The main thing is he's totally passive when it comes to decision making, whether it's about dates or what to order, or everything. While it sounds great that he's always like "oh we can do whatever you want to do", it kind of makes me wonder what the point of being on a date with him is at all.

The Good Stuff
But I go back and forth on this... This morning I was pondering a long term relationship with him, and I could envision it. It was kind of nice, even though it was all just a weird reverie in my head. We have a lot of common interests, we have good conversations, and he is incredibly sweet. But again, because he just goes along with whatever I say, I have a hard time telling sometimes if we are on the same page or if he is just being passive again. I definitely want security and someone who understands me, but it has to be the right guy, and there are times when I just don't think he's it, and other times where I think he might be. I guess that's why I'm still up and typing this now.

The Options
So I have to meet him in person some time this week, and I am going to lay out how I think we're moving too fast and he's rushing me in ways that are kind of freaking me out; I think I'll definitely tell him that I need to be independent, at least to the point that I had things planned for this summer as a single guy that I want to do still, and I don't want to have to feel guilty about it. I mean, he came out and dated and stuff 8 years ago, and I just did it. I'm just not on the same page as him, maturity-wise, and as much as that sucks, it would suck worse if I just lied to myself and him about it and pretended I was all cool with everything when I'm not.

The thing is, I don't know if I want to tell him I want to slow things down and see other people and still see him and reevaluate it at the end of the summer... or if that's just bullshit and if I should just cut it off before we both end up getting in further and getting more hurt... And that's why I'm still up typing and no closer to getting to a conclusion or to sleep. I think I'm going to watch some DVR'd tv...

Leaps and bounds...

2009-06-15T01:07:00.001-04:00

PokerFace and I saw Up on Thursday, and we normally only go on one date a week, but I got a text today to see if I wanted to see a movie with him, his gay co-worker, and his co-worker's boyfriend. This was clearly a relationship escalation. I really didn't know how to deal with something like this... But as much as I kind of want to be single, another part of me wants to give this relationship a shot, and to jump in with both feet. Plus, I was thinking- as long as I don't say I'm his "boyfriend" there's no expectation of exclusivity, so maybe I'm not closing off my options.

I ended up bailing on the movie itself, but meeting up with them for drinks and dinner after. It was actually super fun, his co-worker and his boyfriend were cute and really funny and we all had a good time. Then at one point when they were exchanging work anecdotes, it came out that apparently on Friday PokerFace had told co-workers that he had "a boyfriend" (that would be me, apparently). I don't think I let on how much that freaked me out at dinner, but it definitely was a little weird right? We've never had a conversation about that and he's telling his co-workers that I'm his boyfriend... I really think it's time we had a talk, although I really don't know what my message will be.

Brutal Honesty Sunday

2009-06-07T23:39:00.001-04:00

The film festival was excellent. After the double feature PokerFace and I had a nice dinner and headed back to my place.

He's a really good cuddler... I could have done that for hours. I guess we probably did. The next morning I took him to one of my favorite brunch spots, and then we came back and took a nap before he had to head out. We spent about 22 consecutive hours together, which is kind of a first for me. I came 4 times... so it does seem odd for me to be complaining I guess.

I guess I go into these dates hoping they'll answer my questions one way or another but they just bring up more. God, now I'm typing clichés... Time for bed.

Suspense

2009-06-03T20:02:00.000-04:00

I had a strange thought today- when I got home from the gym on Monday I was kinda horny and I had a whole batch of new porn on my computer so I jerked off. It was pretty good. I realized today that that was the first time since I started dating PokerFace that I had jerked off (No... I'm not like a girl crossing off days on her calendar).

It wasn't like a conscious jerking-off-abstinence, I just always was anticipating getting off with PokerFace, and because of the Fire Island trip, this was the first time I'd gone over a week without seeing him (not counting when I was sick, and who wants to jerk off when they have cold sweats?).

I'm certainly not one of those weirdos who thinks jerking off is cheating, and like I said last time, I don't even know if I'm in a stage in a relationship where I'd even consider fucking another guy cheating. Still, it was just something that struck me today... when I was at the gym again. Heh.

Don't worry, I'm gonna hold off til my date with Pokerface on Saturday... We're going to see some of the movies at the LGBT film festival here in New York. There's something exciting about the suspense. Despite all our strange encounters and my misgivings about being in a relationship, I still get rock hard every time I see him in person. Looking forward to Saturday, even if it is for extremely shallow reasons... ;)

The weekend

2009-06-02T21:14:00.000-04:00

So Fire Island was super fun! I went to an underwear party and made out with a stranger, which were pretty much my only two goals for the weekend. I didn't do anything further, although there were definitely opportunities. The weird thing about Fire Island is that everyone is staying in large houses with huge groups of friends, normally at least 2 people to a room. In addition, most of the houses have strict rules about guests, so if you're going to hook up with someone, it's either outside in the woods or in like a jacuzzi or something. Or it's totally blatantly in the middle of a bar, which I saw a bit of. In either case, I wasn't really willing to go further than making out with some guy and some underwear groping, but in terms of Fire Island, I was extremely chaste.

So now I'm back in NYC and back to my regular shtick. I'm seeing PokerFace this weekend (I think we're going to the big LGBT film festival here this weekend), but I think if we don't have sex I may just call this whole thing off. It's not even just about the sex actually. It's just in general I wish PokerFace was a little less complacent. Like when we go out I always end up picking the place, and even ordering the food if we're sharing, because he always says he wants whatever I want. While that's all very sweet it also makes me a little bored. I need him to be more of a top in a few aspects I guess...

I know it's not really the same thing, but I've been getting some flirty mails on some of the dating sites recently, and even though I never really find what I'm looking for on those sites, it's still fun to play the game. One guy wants to go on a date, but I haven't said yes or no yet. I know it's hardly like PokerFace and I are exclusive, but I still feel like it would be weird to juggle. I'm not sure I can date more than one guy at a time and be true to myself about it.

Weekend fun

2009-05-27T23:26:00.000-04:00

So in a short interlude from my dating puzzlements... I'm going to Fire Island this weekend! A good friend of mine booked rooms at a B&B in the Pines (the gay section of Fire Island) and we know people staying in houses and bungalows there that are having parties and it should be SUPER fun.

I've never gone before but the descriptions I've gotten make it sound like something in between a 24x7 outdoor gay beach party and an organized orgy. In either case, I am super excited to go. I don't leave til Friday but I've already started packing swimwear and condoms lol. I don't even know what the weather is going to be like, but I don't think it will actually matter that much.

So excited!

Long Weekend Update

2009-05-26T00:21:00.001-04:00

This post is so long it needs big bold headers!

Lest you think this blog has turned purely into the erectile dysfunction daily, I am remembering my roots a little bit and catching you guys up on some of the other events in my life.

Visiting family
So i've pretty much come out to all the cousins on my mom's side and they've been super cool. One of my older cousins was visiting this weekend with her husband and we met up with my other cousin that lives in New York and we all had an awesome time going out to some new restaurants and bars. We talked a little about my experiences coming out to the other cousins and if I was ever going to come out to the older generation, but for the most part we just had a great time hanging out with each other which was what it was all about.

Coming out
Other than the cousins, I also got a last minute call from an old high school friend who was visiting town for a wedding and wanted to get a bunch of our old friends together for lunch on Sunday. So, that was an opportunity to come out to all them. Again, pretty normal- all my friends are liberal and live in big cities so there aren't really any surprises there.

Fourth Date
So the last bit of info is I did have my fourth date with PokerFace last night, and I spent the night at his place for the first time. So, he said he still wasn't ready to try fucking me again, so I was a little disappointed, but we still had a lot of fun. Still, I'm not sure where it's going. I ended up mentioning my Fire Island trip to him, and I really don't know what that's going to entail or not.

The main thing is that, four dates, plus being a really good friend of a really good friend makes it a little complicated... I definitely feel like it would be bad to keep stringing him along if I'm not that into him, but it's hard for me to separate the sex stuff out from everything else. I like hanging out with him... but I really don't know if I want more than that right now.

Bleh. Anyway, I'm looking forward to my upcoming little trip. Among other things, between starting yoga and training for the half marathon, I'm in awesome shape and I'm looking forward to showing off a little on the beach :P

Why I am not a top

2009-05-23T09:18:00.000-04:00

The comments on my last post kind of got me thinking. I have topped a guy just once and I was terrible at it. I lasted about 30 seconds before I blew my load.

When it comes down to it, the expectations of a top are much higher. A top has to get it up, stay hard, perform right, for long enough (but not too long!). A bottom just has to have a clean ass, which is easier.

I guess I also just like someone to take charge.

Hrm.

2009-05-22T08:21:00.001-04:00

Happened again. I told him it's not a big deal and it's not- I really just want him to not be so nervous and we can just take things in time. He was just so nervous and sweaty on top of me. It was a little gross. Still, we ended up blowing each other, showering, cuddling and watching TV which was fun. I just don't know how long this can go on.

It's hard for me to separate my frustration with the physical problems from my other issues which is just I don't know if I should be in a relationship now. I think we're going to go out on another date on Sunday, and this time we're going over to his place- so maybe he'll be more relaxed?

I also have a trip to fire island planned with some friends next weekend. I really have no idea what to expect, but I'm looking forward to it. From what I've heard it's just a 24x7 outdoor gay party. I haven't told PokerFace... I don't think I'm gonna.

3rd Date

2009-05-20T07:41:00.001-04:00

3rd date is tonight. I'm really looking forward to seeing him, even after all that! I've just been out of commission being sick and out of town and everything. I just want to make out with a dude, yknow?

I think maybe in past dates I've been a little too pushy and tried to force stuff to happen. I'm just gonna let things go where they go this time, I guess...

Ugh

2009-05-13T11:44:00.000-04:00

So I'm just getting over my cold today, and I ended up having to cancel my date with PokerFace tonight... Even though I'm feeling better now, my throat is still really sore and I'm probably communicable still and I just don't think it would be any fun. I'm gone this weekend, so our tentative plans are to talk on Monday and maybe hang out next Tuesday or Wednesday. So maybe this cold came at the right time... I kind of got what I wanted in that we slowed down a little bit.

It's cool, I just got Netflix instant play set up which was the only thing keeping me sane since I was sick all weekend. I fucking love Weeds.

Mixed bag

2009-05-08T17:46:00.001-04:00

So I had my second date with PokerFace last night- we went to this new pizza place that was really fun and kind of trendy. We came back to my place and I had kind of already determined that I wanted to get fucked that night. We made out for a while and it was a lot of fun.

I know this post is sounding kind of negative, but that's also cause today at work I started getting a sore throat and coughing a lot. Basically in addition to all that, I'm pretty sure that I got a cold from him... I know that's not totally fair but I'm stuck in bed now drinking fluids and chicken soup when the weather is really nice out and I don't need to be fair.

And man, I was really looking forward to getting fucked last night :/

Speaking of which...

2009-05-06T13:37:00.000-04:00

After I gave the boy his code name, on some other blog I saw this awesome homage to Lady Gaga's Poker Face. It starts out pretty amazing, but around 3 minutes it reaches truly sublime levels. I'll let you enjoy this for yourselves:

The Rules

2009-05-06T01:32:00.000-04:00

Letopho has post starting off on why some guys like straight guys, but it turns into an analysis of the rules we set up for ourselves and why we choose to break them. It's kind of like how you can make all these rules and assumptions for yourself, but when the right guy comes along nothing else really matters.

I was at a bar for cinco de mayo talking to my friend Alex and I found myself a little out of sorts. The thing about this new guy (I need to give him a name, and I've decided it will be "PokerFace")- the thing about PokerFace is he is super sweet. I get the feeling when I talk to him that he is in this for a relationship. As cool as that is, am I ready for a relationship? I just came out 4 months ago and I was just starting to have fun in the gay scene. While the one night stands were not really my thing, I was looking forward to going to Fire Island as a single guy, seeing New York in the summer as a single gay guy, and just having fun with my friends.

Then I remembered we've only gone on one date and I need to chill the fuck out and just enjoy life as it comes. We went to B Bar and had an awesome time. Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone!

Post-date report

2009-05-04T08:33:00.000-04:00

So the date went really well! Maybe too well, lol. We'll see.

So we went and saw the movie last night- first things first, the Wolverine movie really sucked (major waste of hot actors). Still, it was just a pretext to go out with this guy and get dinner so for that reason, it's the best movie ever! After the movie, we got some thai food, and again, he just was super nice and cute. The other thing is I found even more things we have in common, like we play the same video games, and it was a little weird almost- like I don't want to date a carbon copy of myself, but at the same time it was also cool to just have so much in common with another guy.

Dinner was really good too, and during the meal we were talking about all these other places (he was suggesting places in Brooklyn and I was suggesting places in Manhattan), and at one point it was weird cause it kind of seemed like we were both shopping places for future dates. Maybe I was reading too much into it, heh. He paid for dinner cause I got the movie tickets, and I protested a bit cause dinner was so much more than the movie, so I said I'd buy drinks at the bar.

So we were in Chelsea, so I joked "I'm sure there's gotta be a place around here where two guys can grab a beer"-- god I'm a cheesy dork on dates. We ended up at G Lounge (I know I know, I go there too often)-

OK wait, I just realized I don't think I ever mentioned one important thing about this guy. So by some strange twist, this guy is actually the first guy I ever kissed. I know it doesn't make sense. I actually mentioned him once in passing already. Basically, the same friend who we met through last week had a party about 3 years ago, and there was a spin the bottle game in which straight girls and guys had already kissed, so when it was my turn to spin the bottle, I got this guy (who was already out), and I had to go through with it and kiss him and pretend I didn't like it and heh. It's cool, we've talked about it since then, and it was one of the icebreakers for us when we first started talking again last week or so.

OK so back to the date- we're at G having a good time drinking beers and sitting on a couch talking, and I'm kind of giddy and feeling a little silly so I chug my beer really fast and he gives me a strange look, and I give him a "hold on" sign. When I'm done with my beer I set the bottle down on the table on it's side, pointing at him, and I kind of smirk and ask him if it brings back any memories (I told you I'm a total cheeseball). He smiles and says "do you want me to kiss you"? So we end up making out at G lounge and it is really hot. I think we both have just been looking forward to this for too long. Then the moment of truth comes, and he asks me if we should go somewhere more private. Of course I am thinking of all your guys' advice but I just decided to live in the moment and I invited him back to my place (I made it pretty clear that I didn't want to go "all the way" though-- geez why do I use the euphemisms of a high school girl?). We make out on my bed for a while and it's pretty good and we end up sucking each other off and it is just really hot. Afterwards we cuddled for like an hour. I was kind of disappointed that he couldn't spend the night but he has work tomorrow, and admittedly, he does live kind of far from me so his morning commute would have been a nightmare.

So, that's pretty much it. I wasn't as chaste as I had hoped, but I had a really good time on my first date, and we have tentative plans to go out again on Thursday. I thought a little more about the waiting, and I rationalized hooking up on our first date by the fact that we've met up a few times in group settings that were... date-like, and it has been built up for both of us so much that it would have just been really frustrating to not hook up, but I kind of understand the waiting thing too now. I kind of would like to have him accept a second date without expecting a hookup, so I know he's really into me, but to be honest, after the first 3 hours of the date and the other times, I'm pretty confident that he is. Also, it's not like I gave away everything... that's for next weekend lol. Short story is I had fun and I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

Date night!

2009-05-03T11:04:00.000-04:00

So he called me and we talked for a while yesterday just really quick to figure out the details for the movie tonight, and dinner afterwards. I wish we could have talked more but I have friends who I was meeting for brunch, so I had to go. Still, I think tonight will be really fun.

And as per the advice on the last post, I don't think I'm going to take him home... but if that's the case, why have I spent the last hour cleaning my apartment...

Blush

2009-05-01T01:47:00.000-04:00

So I went to my friend's party tonight and the guy was there, and at first we didn't get to talk much cause there were so many people around, but once it thinned out I got to sit next to him and we talked a lot and it was really cool.

He's a computer geek, like me, and we like the same stuff like comic books and sci-fi, and everything, but most importantly, he is SUPER sweet. Like the sweetest guy I've ever met. First of all, there were two other people named "Will" at the party, and I like to joke about how I I like to be the only "Will", and he said "don't worry, you're the only Will I want to talk to tonight". When he said it, I was just kind of speechless, and so I just kind of smiled and toasted him with my beer.

We made tentative plans to see a movie or something on Sunday and I gave him my number. I am gonna try hard not to be too slutty, but we'll see heh.

I really like him :D. OK now I feel like a 15 year old girl writing in her diary so I should go to bed now.

Brainpan Dump

2009-04-30T00:51:00.000-04:00

Even though I'm no longer anonymous, there are some things that are easier to shout into a void on the internet than talk to you about with your friends. As I'm writing this post, I'm pretty uncomfortable, cause there's definitely stuff in here I'm not very proud of, and it makes me sound pretty crass, even though I think at heart I'm a romantic, idealistic guy. Still, here's me being honest:

I'm weird about sex
So while my last big update was about how smooth my life is going, and in general it is, there are definitely areas that I can work on. I think because I'm new and don't really know the customs, I keep accidentally sending mixed signals to guys I sleep with. So I've had anal sex with four guys so far now, and of the four of them, I've only kept in touch with one.

The first guy was basically a rebound. I had "dated" and hooked up with a different guy, but that guy was looking for a serious relationship and I just wasn't into him, so the same night that we "broke up" I met up with some friends at a bar, and I met this new guy who was in the same social circle. We were just talking at the bar and having a good time, but I didn't even think I was flirting-- at the end of the night he asked if I wanted to share a cab back, even though he doesn't live anywhere near me. I was a little drunk and a little horny so I said yes. He came back to my place and we fucked, and it was the first time I'd ever been penetrated (god that sounds so clinical). It was pretty painful, but I was prepared for it. Anyway, given that it was a drunk hookup at a bar, and I really had nothing in common with this guy, I thought it was hoping it would just be a one night thing and I'd leave it at that. Still, I think I sent mixed signals by letting him stay over, offering him a toothbrush, offering him food and whatnot-- maybe I'm wrong, but these all seemed like common courtesies in straight world, but I don't know if they were meant to carry over to gay world. Anyway, about two hours after he leaves my place the next day, he tries to add me to facebook, which first of all I'm just not a fan of anyone adding me to facebook when they've only met me once, and second of all, I had spent the whole night talking to him about how this guy I had been dating had been too clingy. I ignored the facebook invite, but he texted me again that same day. This is totally immature of me but he was the first guy I ever slept with, and it was painful, and I didn't know how to deal with any of it, so I ignored the text too. The weirdest part was about a month later, he found my adam4adam profile, and messaged me there! That's when I had to just let him know I wasn't interested in anything further with him, and I sent him a message through that site telling him so, and I left it at that. I wish that had been the end of it, but I'm a little ashamed to say I saw him at a club the other day and I pretended not to see him. I kind of wish I had been more mature and said hi just so it wouldn't be awkward (we have mutual friends) but then again, I don't think this guy and I were communicating on the same wavelength, so maybe it's just best that I keep my distance.

The second guy I met at a bar and we had some sexual chemistry, but again very little in the way of personal connection- still, I was eager to get more sexual experience, and I think he was cool with that. I was still a little wary from my first bottoming experience, so I topped the first time. This guy didn't spend the night, and I think we were both upfront and clear about what we wanted, and that's why we were able to stay in contact. We met up again about a week later and I bottomed, and he was really patient with me and I really enjoyed the experience. We hooked up a third time about a week later, and I still keep in touch with this guy. I think it's probably a good example of a pretty functional fuck buddy relationship.

The third guy I met on manhunt, and we just met up at a bar, and then went back to my place and fooled around. I wasn't really sure I wanted to have sex with someone I just met, so we just messed around that night, but we met up again the next night and he topped me. I really enjoyed this one too. Neither of us really expected more, and I haven't talked to him or heard from him since then.

The fourth guy was from adam4adam, and we were just messaging one day after work and decided to meet for drinks. Now the thing about this guy is that I knew from the moment I met him that I wasn't really going to be that into him. He just wasn't my type. Still, I was really horny and I ended up sleeping with him that night. It kind of became a repeat of the first guy all over again; he kept texting me after (like... 3 times the same night after he left my place with no response from me), and it was a big turn off. Also, the sex just wasn't that good.

Basically I feel like when I've had unemotional sex, then right after it happens I just feel kind of guilty about myself and I want the guy to leave so I don't have to deal with it. It's really not healthy. I really think I just need to stop hooking up randomly and try to actually date guys. I don't really regret these experience building encounters I've had, but as with everything else in my rapid education, I think it's time for me to grow up.

I'm a slutty drunk
Hm, I guess that would be kind of obvious from the previous section, but I often cringe when I recall my actions from the night before when I'm drunk. I tend to get really physical with guys and I will make out with guys at the drop of a hat when I'm drunk. It's not a good thing, and not something I should be proud of.

Related to the previous two: I don't think I'm one of those gay guys who can hook up with their friends like it's no big thing
So, my friend Alex is a super good friend of mine, and one of the first gay friends I had after I came out. He is just an awesome, funny guy, and he was a great support to me during my coming out and introducing me to the gay scene. One night we were just drunk and texting each other (and I was a little depressed about unrelated work stuff) and I think he instigated it but our texts got kind of flirty. One thing led to another and I basically invited him over to fool around. Long story short, it was kind of like with the other guys- as soon as I came, I kind of wanted him to leave, and I felt really guilty about it. I did end up letting him spend the night, but I just felt awful and I don't think I slept well that night at all.

I was really worried I had just fucked up our friendship, which really sucked- I think I was cagey and avoided him for about a week. Finally our mutual friend's birthday came up, and I saw him there, and we ended up having a great time and everything was back to normal again. The other day, I wanted him to come out to a really late party, but he mentioned that because his place was so far, he would only be able to come to the party if he could crash at my place (this is true, he lives really far). I think old me would have just dropped the subject, but I decided that I really wanted to keep Alex as a friend and not let anything stand between us, and so I brought up with him my anxieties and how I thought hooking up was a mistake, and he was TOTALLY COOL about it. We ended up having a great time at the party, and he slept over at my house with no funny business and no anxiety.

On the plus side, I now have a really close friend who has already seen me naked so I had him critique my manhunt profile :P.

I'm all about the kissing
I'm just all about kissing. That is what gets me. If someone can't kiss well, I can't even think about getting in bed with them.

WTF?
Oh and here's a WTF moment. So at that party I went to with Alex, there was this one guy who I kept meeting eyes with all night and was kind of cute, and at one point we ended up talking and exchanging numbers (and I was drunk so I was really flirty and touchy... cause i'm a slut). Anyway, he texted me that same night, and then again that next morning! Then he asked if he could add me to facebook (and like I said above... I'm pretty guarded about my facebook) but I said fine because I figured it wouldn't hurt to see more pictures of this guy in different lighting. However, when I got the invite I clicked over to his profile and he is IN A RELATIONSHIP. UGH. Honestly I have no problem with guys in an open relationship (although it's not for me, and I will never hook up with anyone that I know is already in a relationship because that's drama I don't need), but seriously if you're just trying to hook up with a guy, why all the texting and chasing? Why add me to facebook?? I don't understand some guys.

I'm gonna try to date date
So after all that, I really think it's time for me to grow up a bit and try to go on some date dates. I'm seeing that cute guy from last Friday at a mutual friend's party tomorrow and I'm SOO excited. I'm like a stupid 15 year old schoolgirl. I actually e-mailed him on Monday to see if he was coming on Thursday and he replied saying he was coming and "I'm looking forward to seeing you again." I think i may have actually squealed. I know. I actually picked out a shirt to wear on Thursday after doing my laundry and set it aside. That was on Tuesday... Seriously, I know.

Oh, Hai, I'm Will.

2009-04-25T09:42:00.000-04:00

Oh and since I'm pretty much out, this whole anonymity thing seems a little unnecessary right? Like, if one of my friends found this blog I'd be mildly mortified, but honestly I don't even post the good stuff, so whatever. Maybe some day I'll get racy and post my Jason Statham fanfic, but until then I can take the mask off.

Since I don't feel like a Noob anymore, I've changed my blogger handle from "ChelseaNoob" to "Will", and I put up a picture from my recent trip to Brazil. My sister was able to take a picture of me with a rainbow! It seemed appropriate.

Update...

2009-04-25T08:54:00.001-04:00

OK... I'm a bad blogger. I come out, my life becomes pretty awesome, and I get too busy meeting cute boys to write stuff down here. I still have been following all the great blogs that I started reading when I was deciding to come out though, and I read this post from Doug and it just broke my heart because I was so there. It just reminded me why I wanted to start this blog in the first place- not just that I wanted to have a journal of my experiences, but that I felt like I had received so much strength from the online community, and that simply reading about other people going through the same thing as me back in January helped me get through a really rough time in my life. If writing stuff down here can help anyone else, then I kind of feel maybe I'm paying it forward.

So... where to start... since the last time I posted a billion things have happened, almost all of them incredibly amazing and postiive.

1) Coming out: Since I last posted, I've pretty much come out to all my close friends in all my social circles, the cousins I am close to, and my immediate co-workers. Everyone has been amazingly supportive, some have been not-so-surprised (my one friend said that she suspected it because I hadn't gotten laid in 3 years and I never complained about it), but what surprised me is how people open up to me after I come out to them. It even happens with completely unrelated topics- I think it's just that when I was in the closet people could feel this blocked off energy from me, and after I opened up to them, they opened up to me about their personal lives and everything. I have started to network in the gay community, and I have some awesome gay and lesbian friends now that I just have so much fun with when I go out. I have lived in New York for 11 years, and suddenly the whole city is new to me again. It's pretty fun.

2) The parents: Umm, I already just typed this story up as a comment on doug's post, so I think I'll just paste it here as a quote. Wall of text go:

Doug, I read your post and it just rang like a crystal bell in my head. I read about your nightmare and I just had chills down my spine because I was totally there too. I'm also Chinese, originally from California, with religious parents/family. I identified myself as gay around 14 or so, and I just put it away in a box and decided it was something I could never have. I actually just came out and started dating men in February (at the age of 29), and I came out to my parents in March, so it was all very sudden. And honestly, I'm not gonna lie, coming out to the conservative Chinese parents was pretty awful.

First of all, they were visiting me (I live in New York now), and of course they had to stay in my apartment even though I live in a tiny studio, and cook in my tiny kitchen because that's what my Mom has to do. They were staying with me for 4 days and I decided I was going to come out to them in person so it had to be then. I came out to them on the second day, and they became just stereotypes. My Dad just decided he suddenly had to take some unrelated business phone calls and just tried not to deal with the situation. My Mom just stared at the wall and started crying. This was pretty much the whole first night. The second night, my Mom started asking me the really weird questions, like if I was molested as a child, or if this was because she was a working mother when I was growing up. On the third day, I decided I had indulged her hand-wringing and "why-me" questions, so I told her - "You can analyze my childhood and wonder what you did wrong as much as you want, but let's just be clear here-- what you're doing there is wishing that you had a different son. I'm what I am, and that's pretty much it." She was kind of sullen for the rest of the time, but my Dad actually surprised me and started saying the right things about how he wanted me to be happy and he wanted to be a part of our lives. My Mom and I were strained for a while after.

The really good part of the story comes last Sunday actually; my Mom just called me out of the blue to talk (we hadn't really spoken much since they were here) and she wanted to know how I was doing, if I was dating, etc. She said she wanted me to be happy, and then (and I quote) "and we want to make sure you're being safe in your dealings." I know it sounds horrible and mildly homophobic, but in the context it was really sweet. And also, I'm trying to convince my circle of friends to start using "dealings" as a euphemism for rough gay sex. (Usage: "I got dealt last night"). I'll let you know how that goes.

And I can't stress enough how important the support network is going into the coming out. If you have family members that you're out to before, like siblings or close cousins, having them to talk to before and after to temper the parental craziness is important. I had my brother and sister on speed dial during the whole thing, and they were awesome.

Anyway, sorry for the monster comment. I just wanted to let you know that the Chinese parent thing can go both ways. Of course they have had our lives planned out since we were 8 years old, and make dramatic proclamations whenever we veer from the path, but they do it because that's how they think it's the best way to show they care about you. When you do decide to come out to them, make sure you give them their space, but make it clear that it is not a negotiation and that it's something you are comfortable with. When you're coming out to them, it's because you love them and you want to share your life with them, and they will accept you for that

I am going back to Cali in May and that's going to be the first time I see them in person since they were here in New York, but I'm kind of thinking the worst is behind me. Like Doug, I used to have straight up panic attacks in the middle of the day, where a rush of images would come to my head and I would imagine my family and friends finding out about me, and there are days where it made me just want to double over and collapse. I don't have days like that anymore.

I've talked to a lot of my new gay friends about this, and honestly, no one has the "Lifetime Movie" coming out story where their parents are amazing and supportive. It's almost universal that your parents are going to disappoint you a little in this space, and that's just cause they're from a different generation and culture, and because they have such specific plans for their kids that suddenly change. I'm starting to have faith that my parents are coming around though, and I think they are going to be happy for me. I may hold off on the PFLAG t-shirts for a bit though...

3) The Sex... So... since the last time I posted, I've gotten around to meeting a lot of cute boys in bars and after 15 years or so of oppressed sexuality, I've definitely unleashed it in a pretty rapid way. Man, I have no idea how to type this without sounding like some big whore. Basically, in the urbandictionary vernacular I laid out in my blog comment, I've dealt, I've been dealt to, I've tried it all. It's been fun. I've been safe of course, and I'm kind of picky, but it has been so much fun :D. I don't know if I'm ready to go and type out every vein and detail, but maybe another time...

4) The Relationship... So, this is the hard part. On every dating site and "dating" site, they ask you what you're looking for and I have to think that if they're honest, pretty much everyone is looking for the same thing. It always bothered me when people said they're "looking for an LTR". I mean, an LTR is just an R that has lasted an LT. I think I would say that I am looking to meet guys to date, and that if I meet someone I really connect with, of course I'm going to continue dating them. Right? I definitely am a pretty monogamous guy though- I know I'm the exception here, but I just don't think I can be one of those people in an open relationship. I'm totally fine right now meeting guys and having sex without commitments, but when I do meet the right guy and we start dating, I'm not going to want to fuck other guys, and I'm thinking the right guy for me will feel the same. OK, so I've laid out my simple definition of a relationship prospect, and it took longer than I thought but oh well.

Well anyway, I kind of met my first relationship prospect on Thursday, but I probably messed it up. I was out with my super gay bestie Alex, who is teaching me how to vogue (!) and we were at this bar that has a gay night on Thursdays (Aspen). It was getting really fun around midnight, there were a lot of cute guys, and there were 2 for 1 drink specials. Anyway I'm getting us a round and walking them back to our table when a guy gives me the look, and I kind of smile back at him as I'm walking by and he tracks me a little with his head. He has great eyes and something about that look just made me happy. So, I bring our drinks and I talk to Alex and he tells me I should just go talk to that guy (and Alex also wants to meet his cute friend hah). I go over and kind of nudge his chair with my foot and when he turns around I introduce myself (I know, I know, I'm like a high school girl at a dance). Anyway, we get to talking for a while, and he's really funny and cute, and I'm a little drunk, and suddenly I grab his head and we start making out on the dance floor for a while. He makes it a point to say that he's looking for a relationship and not a hookup, and that's when I actually start considering it. I hadn't really been in "relationship looking" mode this whole time, but this is really the kind of guy I would want to date. I am a little embarrassed now that I have been sticking my tongue down this stranger's throat (BY THE WAY HE WAS A REAAALLY GOOD KISSER), but it is still fun. He give me his number and we say good night.

The next morning I woke up still smelling like his cologne. Why is that SO HOT? Anyway, I had to confer with my gay oracles and straight girl friends to decide how I was going to ask him out, and I was actually walking on air the whole morning (it didn't hurt that Friday here was absolutely gorgeous weather). It was kind of like I'd never felt before. I met up with one of my best girlfriends for lunch and we basically decided I should be direct and just text him and tell him it was nice to meet him and ask him out for Saturday Night. I was sitting there with my finger on the send button, and I realized that I wasn't going to feel the euphoria anymore as soon as I hit send. It was kind of sad, but I think I indulged myself long enough to take it in. Anyway I sent the message, and then I agonized for the next few hours- he finally got back to me after work hours, and he said it was nice to meet me too but he couldn't hang out this weekend cause he was busy with friends in town (AND HERE'S THE STUPID PART: I KNEW THIS. I MET HIS FRIENDS AT THE BAR AND THEY WERE VISITING AND I KNEW THIS). But what bummed me out is he didn't suggest a follow-up. If he was really into me, I think he would have said something to the effect of making plans in the future. I still replied that he should have a good weekend and that he should text me next time he's free, but I think it's probably over. I blew it, but I learned a lot (and I made out with a cute guy in a bar, I really am not complaining that much).

And the good thing is that last night I met another cute guy (a friend of a friend), and I think he may be into me. I'm kind of going to take this slow and let him make the first move... and maybe I'll wait til an actual date to stick my tongue down his throat. Maybe.

5) This is kind of unrelated, but I love Yoga! I think I never went before cause I thought it would sound too gay and blow my cover, but I've gone like 3 times and it's awesome (and lets be honest, it features hot guys in sleeveless shirts bending over). It's like an intense workout that makes you sweat and works your muscles, but when you're done with it, your spine is perfectly aligned and you feel like you've gotten a deep tissue massage and taken a nap. It's crazy good. I'm about to go to another yoga class in like 2 hours.

So, that's my super-omni update if anyone is even still following. Sorry I have been such a bad blogger, but my life has been a crazy whirlwind lately. Thanks for reminding me why I started this though, Doug, and best of luck in everything. I'm gonna try to post more regularly now, although now that I'm pretty much out, I think I'm just another gay guy on the internet heh... Maybe I should change the name of the blog.

Diff

2009-02-14T03:24:00.000-05:00

So it's 3:30 on Friday night and I just got back from a very cruise-y gay club in New York with some friends. I guess a lot has happened since the last time I posted.

So of course the first thing on my mind these days is coming out. I have started telling my New York friends. For the most part, they have been less surprised than my friends back home and my family, I guess because they see me on a more regular basis, and had noticed my dating dry spell these past few years. It's been pretty rough on my schedule, but I've been pretty much scheduling dinners and brunches with friends wherever I can fit them in.

The rest of my time has been spent exploring the New York gay scene. I have started hanging out with my only gay friend in the city, who has been an absolute godsend. Not only is he giving me valuable advice about dating and sex that I really wouldn't be hearing elsewhere, but he also came out at a late age, and he is very helpful as a sounding board for all the stuff I can't tell everyone else or I'm scared to ask. He also has started showing me around the gay bars and clubs in NYC which has been really fun, even though I've been pretty shy. I went to two bars today, the first was pretty tame, just a bunch of guys in a room, and some friendly banter and glances everywhere. The second was a dark, cruisey bar full of shirtless guys making out. To be honest, I thought it would be scary, but it was pretty exciting. At one point a guy reached down my pants, which I wasn't really ready for, but was also fun in it's own way. I don't know if I'm explaining it right, it wasn't really as seedy as it sounds, but I definitely could have gone home with someone from there if I wanted.

It's not what I'm looking for now, but it's nice to know it's there. Maybe in the future. For now I'm definitely looking for something a little more wholesome...

One foot

2009-02-11T00:01:00.001-05:00

When I was a kid I had a large hallway closet with a sliding door and a mirror along the entire face of it. If you slid the door open and positioned yourself halfway in the closet, your reflected image would complete the half of your body outside of the closet and you could perform visual tricks like make it look like you were floating. It was a stupid memory, but I remember spending hours with my sister doing this.

Anyway, I'm one foot out of the closet right now. I've told my siblings and two of my really close friends, and I'm just scheduling in more people to tell. It's kind of stressful cause I didn't realize that I'd want it to move this fast, and now I realize that my parents aren't visiting til the end of the month, and it's going to be three weeks of still trying to control this information. I really do want to tell them face to face, but I'm not sure if I can wait that long.

On the networking side... I am having some fun with OkCupid, gotten some replies back from some cute guys, and messaging them back. If anything, it seems like that site may be a little on the too-squeaky-clean end of the spectrum, but it feels pretty safe, and that's good for me right now. GayRomeo seems much more physically oriented, which would be fine, except it also seems really undirected. I am getting messages from escorts in Vegas and married guys in Ghana, which doesn't really seem like it's what I'm looking for right now.

I also went to another gay bar, this one as kind of a singles mixer, but the crowd was way older than I expected, and I still felt awkward so I didn't really stay that long. I am going to hang out with one of my gay friends on Thursday and we're going to go to a bar in Chelsea somewhere, so I'm actually really looking forward to that, if just to be able to start talking about all of this stuff face to face with another gay man.

The flood

2009-02-08T22:04:00.000-05:00

So, two more today, it's starting to feel like this coming out thing is reaching a momentum, which is good, but kind of terrifying. I came out to an old high school friend who is also gay today, and he had some good advice, as well as was just a great sounding board for my weird fears and everything.

I also came out to my brother and his wife, which was also good. I hadn't really been anxious about them because they have always been super supportive, but it was still a little nerve wracking. They also gave me some advice on how they think I should approach the parents, which I'm still not sure about.

Other than that, at the advice of my gay high school friend (who is about my entire gay friend network at this point), I'm going to try signing up for a few of the free gay dating sites with headshots, and see how that goes. Any suggestions on which ones are good? The ones I was looking at were Gaydardate, OkCupid, and GayRomeo, based on the fact that they're all free and seem to be pretty established.

Hoping this isn't a huge disaster.